*Song above: Tokyo Ghoul - Unravel (Acoustic Cover) by Nour Khan | 東京喰種-トーキョーグール-
~
-HER-
I feel the floor of the graveyard under me as I drop to my knees and try to fight the sick feeling inside me as I cry my heart out.
"So this is where you've been coming all this time?" His voice slices through the silence of the graveyard, making the hair at the back of my neck stand up. I lift my head to find his hooded figures standing in front of me, looking almost the same as in the vision. Though he is a lot muscular now and more powerful.
My breath gets caught in my chest, solidifying my insides. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I am shivering visibly. My breath is coming out in front of my face like a white cloud while I look up at him. The heat of my body is melting the snow beneath me, soaking the fabric of my clothes.
The night air ruffles my hair as he slowly takes his hood down to reveal his face. His silver eyes bore into me. They are cold, passive, haunting but at the same time beautiful. The expression on his face is stern and regal.
Suddenly, I am being transported back to the night when I cursed out to his statue in a drunken state. That night I had his statue in front of me but tonight, it's him. As fear starts to creep inside me, I feel the seventeen years old me coming to life. All the emotions and memories start to play in front of my eyes, reminding me again of all the things he is capable of.
His hard gaze makes me feel so small, inferior and vulnerable. I am overwhelmed by this struggle inside me. There are two parts of me playing tug of war with my conscience. I cannot decide whether to go back to fear and loath him like the seventeen years old me used to do or to move on from that and start to nurture the small amount of affection for him that has somehow managed to sprout in my seemingly dead heart.
There's a surge of emotions and thoughts in me, it's drowning my logical part. I squeeze my eyes shut as I try to swim to the surface of the sour thoughts and memories. I am holding back my tears. It's taking all in me to not to break down in front of him. It's not like he hasn't seen me crying but I don't want him seeing my emotions getting the best out of me.
"I......I don't believe in you," Is the thing that I say next without even realizing it. My ears are ringing. I don't know if it's my imagination playing games but suddenly, our surrounding seems to have changed. We are in the ruins back in my pack. He is standing where his statue has been while the ruins of his once glories palace shadow behind him, resembling his rough and dark past.
"Isn't this what you said that night?" He asks. His voice is low and husky. It sounds like the chime of the wind, almost non-existential. For a moment, I thought he didn't speak at all. I gulp my thoughts and fears down as I stand up on my feet.
He watches me closely, not caring for the shift of the scene around us. We're not in the graveyard anymore and again, I am not his queen. I am just me. In my old clothes, in my old body, my insides wrapped in my old thoughts yet I am more me. I am the Nefret I never knew.
"We're back...." I whisper.
"You are no god. Just a self-obsessed, obnoxious, unworthy, mortal man who called himself a god," He speaks and it doesn't take me long to realize that he is repeating my words from that night. There are these unknown guilt and pain in his eyes. Words won't be able to capture them. "Guess you were right," He adds.
My chest weights down with my own words coming out of his mouth. "I... -"
"You don't deserve to be called a god! You don't deserve anything!" As he continues to repeat my words, his voice becomes stronger, laced with his unexpressed emotions. It's shaking me up from inside. The words that I used once to question him are hurting me more now.
"I was drunk, Arle-"
"But are you now?" He asks sternly. All the emotions are gone. He resembles a breathing statue.
"No, but-"
"Did you have fun seeing me like that?" He asks and a tear escapes my eye. I am being stabbed by my own words. I am hurting over the things I never knew could affect me so badly. Vesta lets out a painful howl inside me. She is suffering from the misery of something she wasn't a part of. She feels guilty for a mistake she didn't commit.
"No," I let out a small sob as tears start to stream down my face.
"You know what I am now. I am sure you wouldn't want to do anything with me now. Isn't this what you wanted? A reason to be away from me. You've found yourself a reason now. I am a bad man. You shouldn't be with me but I know you knew it beforehand. After all, I –"
"Yes, of course. I need a reason to get away from you and since I have found one, I wouldn't want to do anything with you. I'd want to run away and never see you again but will you let me do that? NO! BECAUSE YOU ARE A GREEDY MAN WHO THINKS OF HIS OWN NEEDS AND IS ALWAYS READY TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO GET WHAT HE WANTS! YOU CARE FOR ME BECAUSE I AM A WAY FOR ISHTAR TO HURT YOU AND ALSO FOR THIS DUMB, FVCKED UP MATE PULL! I am sure, if it wasn't there then you wouldn't have bothered to-" I vent out the feelings I thought died a long time ago but here I am. He interrupts me as he says:
"Yes, you're right. I wouldn't have bothered to spare a single thought to you. Wouldn't have bothered to bend so many rules to keep you alive hadn't it because of this fvcking bond!" He spits as he turns on his heels and walks away, leaving me behind and taking all the illusions away. I am left standing in the graveyard with a shattered heart and a whole mess of emotions.
"I don't believe you..."
~
It's after midnight when I enter his wing. I've been out running after we fought. I tried my best to leave it behind but when I ran though the dead forests, it followed me like a shadow. The turmoil is still inside me and I am afraid if I see him again then I'll burst into flames and consume everything.
Why am I even going there? I find myself questioning this when I find myself near his bedroom. When I find it locked from inside, I storm away. He doesn't want to see me and neither do I. Heck, I don't even want to be here.
My legs end up carrying me to the kitchen. It's empty when I enter the place. I look at the shelves loaded with jars full of snacks.
I want something sweet. I want some chocolate. I spot the jar of chocolate chips placed on a shelf way above my head. I stand on my toes to get to it but still, it's far away from me. I try to jump and reach for it. With every jump, I reach closer to frustration rather than reaching closer to the jar.
Suddenly, my mind starts to replay the memory we had together here in the kitchen. When I was hungry he bought me here at night and ... and...we... I let out a frustrated cry as my eyes start to swell with tears. I swallow a sob and shake the sudden feeling away. No matter what happened just a few hours ago, a part of me wants to go to him and makeup to him. I want to talk to him, cuddle up with him and sleep... oh, FVCK IT! I DON'T LIKE HIM ANYMORE! HE'S ...HE'S...I...I hate him. A tear escapes my eyes when I realize that it's the other way around. I don't hate him, I like him and that's the worst part of this situation.
I wish I could stop feeling like this for him. I want it to end but the thought of ending what had started between us seems so hurtful. It pains me. A lump starts building in my throat, signaling another emotional breakdown. I try to swallow it down but it's too strong and intense. I end up finding a dark corner in the kitchen and crying there all night.
When dawn hits, I hear voices in the kitchen and feel some commotion so I sneak out of the place and end up going for another run. I let Vesta take control as she runs as fast as she could. The trees pass by us in a blur and wind whooshes past my ears as her legs carry us away from him.
Today, it's snowing heavily and I feel so tired and sleepy. I come across a cave. After some inspection and finding it safe for a shelter, I end up curling there and taking a nap.
I woke up around afternoon when my stomach felt emptier than his heart. I stretched and went out looking for a hunt but soon realized that everything is dead here.
IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!
I cursed him for an hour or so for his kingdom being dead. I ended up sleeping more and woke up at dusk. I was both surprised and disappointed that he didn't come looking for me. This only proves one thing: he meant what he said. He doesn't really care for me. I am just a way for him to ... to... Vesta lets out a painful moan as I cry internally.
He doesn't want me anymore? Now, what do I do with the feelings that I have for him? What do I do with his mark? Heck, what do I do with myself now? I wanted to die but he ... he ... gave me a new life. He gave me things I could have never dream of... he's so bad. He's so bad for being that good to me.
I questioned his capability of changing a man's destiny. Turns out, he could do it for real and now, it hurts so much. He gave me hope. He gave me a reason to live and now he took it away. He ended the meaning of everything.
I hate this. I hate him. I hate how I feel for him. It's all because of the mating pull. I want this to go away somehow so that I can be free of these feelings. If there wasn't this mating bong then I'd have run away. I'd have disappeared. I'd have never existed.
Wait a minute!
There's a way to end it all. Vesta is shocked at my thoughts and so am I but it has to be done. I am sick and tired of this...
...
sorry for the delay. Got stuck in some work.
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-Benita