I helped Nalani make breakfast for all of us after she and Makani woke up. Spending time with them in their simple home and watching Nalani and Makani interact with each other had filled me with a strange longing for something similar. Those feelings were dangerous though since obviously my subconscious was a lot more bold than I was.
My cheeks heated up a little bit as I thought of how I woke up cuddling Paul's arm as if it was Piplup or Mirageon. Paul had seemed slightly annoyed, but he hadn't really commented on it and I wasn't brave enough to apologize again.
Shaking my head at the memory I grinned as little Nani tugged on one of the small strings that hung from my shirt down to almost my knee. Reaching down I tickled her sides and she giggled delightedly, dashing away from me and hiding behind her mom's legs. I wanted to bring out my pokemon and let her play with them, but the trailer was so small already that I didn't want to impede on their space any more than we already were, so I resisted.
After breakfast was over we said our goodbyes and I followed Paul out of the trailer home, waving sadly to little Nani. Since we had left our mudsdale behind we started the day and a half trip to Tapu Village on foot. We stopped briefly to let out our pokemon and feed them but Paul returned his as we continued walking. I left my pokemon out at first, but as the day got increasingly warmer they all seemed to be losing energy so I returned them to their Pokeballs as well. The sun was merciless today and I eventually took off my beanie and began to use it as an ineffective fan.
"Do you want to take a break?" Paul asked suddenly and I looked over at him and smiled tiredly.
"That'd be great. I can't believe how hot it is. It's October already!" I complained and Paul shrugged, not seeming to mind the heat.
He walked off the path and I followed him through the trees until we came to the large river we had camped along last time we were here. I knelt next to the river and dipped my hands in, sighing with pleasure as the cool water washed over them. Paul knelt down and scooped a small handful of water and took a drink before splashing his face and arms with the rest.
"Are you ready for lunch?" I asked him and he nodded.
"Okay, I think we have some onigiri left," I said and stood up.
Paul stood up too but he looked out at the river as if expecting to see an interesting pokemon about to breach the river's surface. A wicked idea came to my mind and before I could lose my nerve I casually walked behind Paul, rummaging through my backpack for my food storage. Once I was in position though I dropped my backpack and shoved Paul's back. He yelled in surprise, and managed to keep one foot on dry ground, but his other foot fell into the river with a splash and I laughed triumphantly.
"Is that how we're doing it then?" Paul asked, turning around and giving me with an evil smirk. A sense of foreboding filled me and I took a cautious step back as I tried to stop my laughter.
"N-no. I'm sorry, that was childish," I spluttered amidst giggles and backed up slowly as Paul pulled his soaked shoe from the river and began walking towards me.
"Paul, stop! No!" I squealed, turning to try and run away but Paul was too fast.
Before I knew what was happening he grabbed me around my waist with one arm, then scooped my feet off the ground as he looped his other arm under my knees. I pushed against his solid chest in protest as Paul marched me over to the river and to my shock he stepped into the river and began walking out until the water came up to his waist. I glanced down at the river below me and then up at Paul's face and he gave me a self-satisfied smirk.
"You wouldn't..." I protested, glancing down at the water below me again.
Paul gave me a wicked grin, held me away from his body, and then dropped me without warning. I sucked in a breath as I hit the water and submerged, grateful that I had already taken off my beanie so it didn't float away. Getting my feet under me I stood up, gasping for breath and pushing my hair out of my face. Paul folded his arms and smirked at me, cocking one eyebrow up in a superior expression.
"Don't start a battle you can't win," he said smugly and I scoffed.
"Who says I've lost?" I shot back and smacked the the river's surface, spraying water into Paul's smug face. He threw his arms up in surprise and his eyes flashed as he reciprocated with a splash twice as big. I yelped in surprise and soon we were in an all-out water fight.
Paul was obviously at an advantage with his bigger size, but I was determined to get him as wet as I was. Grinning widely as an idea came to me I let loose a barrage of small splashes as I moved closer to him. To my delight, Paul was laughing as I advanced and I wondered if I had ever seen him so relaxed. As he rubbed his eyes to clear the water from them they suddenly widened as I lunged, hooking my arms around his neck.
"Checkmate," I proclaimed with satisfaction and I tugged, using all of my body weight to pull both of us down into the water.
As Paul crashed into the river with me I let go of him and quickly stood up spinning around in triumph and laughing happily as Paul popped up from the water and flipped his head, pushing his dripping bangs out of his eyes. I grinned widely and was about to gloat when my eyes met Paul's and I realized that the relaxed, happy expression he'd had just a second ago was now gone, replaced with one of his expressionless masks. Frowning, I slowly lowered my arms and tilted my head as I looked at him inquisitively.
"Everything okay, Paul? Did I hurt you?" I asked worriedly and Paul looked away from me.
"I'm fine. We're wasting time though; we should dry off and head out again," he stated bluntly as he began to walk towards the edge of the river.
Confused, I moved to block his path, and once again he looked away from me.
"Seriously, what happened? We were having fun," I pointed out as I moved through the river to look at him closer, wondering what caused such an abrupt mood swing.
"And we're done now," Paul said flatly as he turned to move around me.
I reached out and grabbed his arm and I was actually a little surprised when he came to a stop, although he still wouldn't look at me.
"Are you moping because I dunked you in the water?" I asked, holding onto his arm and I was surprised when his muscles tightened under my grip.
"I am not moping," Paul growled, still looking resolutely away from me.
A strange anger flooded through me and I took a step closer to him. Reaching up I placed a hand on his face and firmly turned it so that I could look into his eyes. They widened with obvious surprise and I felt all of my anger melt away as I realized that his eyes weren't filled with annoyance, but instead they looked almost... panicked. Without really thinking I let go of his arm and slowly rested my hand against his other cheek as I gazed into his eyes.
"What are you doing?" Paul asked in barely more than a whisper and I saw his adam's apple move up and down as if he was having difficulty swallowing.
"I... don't really know," I whispered back, slowly running my left thumb along his cheekbone.
Paul closed his panic-stricken eyes and let out a shuddering breath as we stood in the river. I studied his face, wondering what exactly I had been trying to do when I made him look at me. Almost as if my body knew what my mind didn't, I began to slowly close the distance between Paul and me.
Paul's eyes opened and he stared at me as I inched my way closer, until there was hardly any space between us. A thrill of happiness went through me when Paul didn't pull away, but continued to stare into my eyes. Emotion swirled in his eyes, going from panic to disbelief to anger to... something else. I once again stroked his cheek with my thumb and he slowly closed his eyes again.
"Dawn..."
Shivers went down my spine as Paul breathed out my name, his voice sounding vulnerable and unlike anything I'd ever heard before. I think I might need to worry now, I thought absently as the bubble I had encased my feelings for Paul in suddenly popped. Admiration, frustration, the need to improve, the desire for his approval, attraction, annoyance, all of it escaped, and the overarching feeling that I could only describe as love came rushing through me.
Silently I closed the gap between us. Paul took a quick breath through his nose as I leaned gently against his chest and his brow furrowed, but he didn't move away from me or open his eyes. Leaving my left hand to cup his cheek I slowly reached up with my right hand and brushed my fingers through his dripping bangs. Paul flinched slightly but he still didn't pull away.
"Paul... I... I think..."
Paul's eyes flew open and for the first time, I realized that I had risen up on my tiptoes and was mere inches away from him. His eyes once again were swirling with a mix of emotions and he suddenly let out a low growl and closed the gap between our lips.
My eyes widened as his shut tight and strong arms wound around me, one around my waist and the other around my back with his hand pressed tightly against my neck. I had never kissed anyone before but I knew that I didn't want him to stop. Hesitantly I moved my lips apart just a fraction and let out a small whimper as Paul's lips immediately captured my bottom lip. I felt his teeth gently nip my lip and strange sensations exploded through me. Biting my bottom lip was something I did often, but having Paul bite it was a completely different experience and I closed my eyes, winding my arms around his neck as Paul crushed me against him and deepened the kiss.
As we kissed his arm left my neck and he bent down, prompting me to bend back and separate slightly from his chest as both of his arms wrapped around my waist. Suddenly his arms tightened, locking me into position and he pulled me up so that I was now at his height and my feet were dangling in the water.
The sensation of Paul's lips and body against mine flooded my mind but somewhere in the back of my thoughts, I felt bad that he was having to lift me up like this so I pulled my legs up and wrapped them around his waist. Paul let out a small noise as I anchored myself and continued to kiss him passionately.
I didn't know which of us broke off the kiss but we were both panting heavily as we struggled for breath. As my mind cleared of the sensation of being kissed by Paul and kissing him back I realized that one of my hands was buried in Paul's hair, while one of his had slipped underneath my shirt and was pressed firmly against my back, and the other was still wrapped around my waist.
Feeling exhausted and thrilled at the same time I leaned my forehead against Paul's and let out a slow, shaky breath. Paul's breathing had calmed as well and I frowned when he removed his hand from my spine and moved his head back from mine. Pulling back only slightly I looked at Paul and my heart seemed to drop into my stomach as I saw the look of regret on his face.
"Let go, Dawn," he whispered huskily and I shivered.
"I don't want to," I whispered back, wishing that he would stop looking like he had just tried to kill me instead of kiss me. Paul removed his arm that was wrapped around my waist but then gently placed his hands on my sides.
"Please."
I bit my bottom lip, which was still tingling from the sensation of Paul's strange caresses, but slowly I unhooked my legs from around his waist. Paul held onto my sides and gently lowered me down until my feet were once again touching the riverbed. My hands slid from around his shoulder and his hair down to his chest where I gripped a small handful of the shirt that I bought him in my fists, feeling like if I let go he would disappear and I would wake up to find I was dreaming.
"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, noticing that Paul hadn't removed his hands from my waist yet.
Paul stared into my eyes with that terrible look of regret and I felt like my heart was going to turn into dust.
"Everything," he said quietly and I swallowed uneasily. "I shouldn't have done that. I am really sorry, Dawn."
"Why are you apologizing?" I asked, feeling torn between wanting to cry and wanting to punch him.
"I've been trying to be good. I told myself that I can't ever touch you like this and then at the first opportunity I... lost control. I'm sorry," Paul said before lowering his hands from my sides and turning away. I tightened my grip on his shirt though, terrified of the depth of his regret.
"Paul, I don't understand. If you couldn't tell from a few minutes ago I really like you," I said firmly and Paul's eyes snapped back to me, wide with shock. "Are you sorry because you don't feel the same and you feel bad for leading me on?" I forced myself to ask.
Paul frowned, taking a small step back but I stepped with him, refusing to part from him.
"Don't say that Dawn," Paul said with a slight edge to his voice and I glared up at him.
"Don't say what?" I asked, my heart pounding against my chest so hard I was afraid that Paul might be able to feel it.
"Don't say that you like me," he clarified, taking another step back and I once again moved through the water and closed the distance between us.
"Why not? Because you hate me? Well, that won't change the fact that I like you," I snarled, wondering why my voice sounded so angry when really my insides were crumbling like a mini torterra was inside me using Earthquake.
"I don't hate you," Paul said through gritted teeth, trying to back away again but I continued to follow him, the river sloshing around our bodies. "But you shouldn't like me, Dawn. It will only end badly for you."
"Why? Because you won't return my feelings?" I choked out, and then squeaked as Paul's hands exploded from the river and gripped my shoulders.
"Just stop it, Dawn! I'm trying to protect you," Paul growled and anger flared through me.
"From what? If you don't want me around then just say it!" I yelled angrily, gripping his shirt tightly in my hands and wishing I was strong enough to shake him.
"I'm going to be Champion, Dawn!" Paul yelled, gripping my shoulders and pushing me back from him.
My fingers slid through his slippery shirt material and I slowly lowered my hands into the river as he bowed his head between us while gripping my shoulders hard enough to make me wince.
"I know that..." I said, trying to keep my voice calm as I fought back tears. "I told you I would help you in any way that I could, didn't I?"
Paul shook his bowed head jerkily before straightening and meeting my eyes with a look so filled with pain it took my breath away.
"My mom supported my dad in his dream of becoming a champion. But as soon as he made it, he stopped coming home. He was so busy with helping Sinnoh that he didn't have time to be with his family."
Paul's voice sounded pleading as he described what his childhood had been like and I listened to him silently.
"It's not that I dislike you, Dawn," he said with misery in his tone "You are the only person I've ever met that makes me feel like there is more to the world than just strength."
The tears I'd been trying to hold back began to swim in my eyes but I desperately tried to keep them from falling as Paul's grip on my shoulders slackened.
"But I made a promise to my mom that I will become a pokemon champion. And I made a promise to myself that I would never do what my dad did and leave behind the people I love to fulfill that dream." His eyes seemed to be swimming with pain, regret, and sadness and I could hardly even breath as he bore his heart to me. "So please don't say that you like me. Because I can't be with you like that."
Paul dropped his hands from my shoulders and looked away from me. My thoughts were reeling from the revelation that Paul's dad had been Sinnoh's last pokemon champion, and that he had practically abandoned his family to pursue his dream. Seeing Paul in so much pain tore at my insides, but a stubborn resistance burned inside me and I took a small step closer to him, although I didn't touch him.
"You are not your dad, Paul," I said firmly and he looked at me with tiredness in his eyes "And I am not your mom. Why do you think we would have the same experience as they did just because you want to be a champion?"
"I don't expect you to understand..." he started to say but I cut him off.
"No, you're the one that doesn't seem to understand. Do you really think that I would stay home waiting for you to visit when you can?" I asked, trying to feel insulted instead of the terror that was bubbling up at the thought of Paul pushing me away like this. Paul shook his head.
"Being a champion takes a lot of time, Dawn," Paul said and I frowned at him.
"I've been traveling with you for almost three months now. You don't think I could keep up with you as a pokemon champion?" I asked angrily and Paul glared at me.
"And what happens when you want to have a family?" he asked and I blinked in shock. "I saw how you were with Nani. It's normal to want to have a family, but if you are with me then I'll just end up leaving you alone and you'd be just like my mom: crying everyday as you raised children by yourself."
"We aren't even dating yet. Why are you worried about something so far in the future?" I asked in honest surprise and Paul glared at me.
"Being a champion isn't a one-year job, Dawn. This is going to be what I do for the rest of my life and I am not going to drag you after me when I know I can't be there for you," Paul snapped.
I didn't think I had ever heard a sweeter sentiment in my entire life and yet it made me feel as if he had taken a knife and plunged it into my gut.
"So because of the slight chance that you will hurt me in the future, you refuse to be with me now even though we love each other?" I asked, not even caring that I might be jumping the gun and using the "L" word.
Paul flinched visibly at my question and he turned his back to me but didn't try to move away.
"It's better this way, Dawn," he said quietly.
I lifted a wet hand to my head and tried to force my brain to come up with a solution. For a split second I hated Paul and his sense of honor that kept him bound to his promise with his mom. But the moment passed and I began to try and piece together what Paul was really concerned about. Somehow I needed to prove to him that I would be able to keep up with him as a champion and that if things did go well and we decided to get married that I would be strong enough to be without him as he went around as the region's champion.
A crazy idea came to me and I searched for anything else, but I couldn't find any other solution. Steeling myself I waded through the river towards Paul's familiar and precious figure. I saw his back stiffen as I walked toward him but I went around him and planted myself in front of him, looking up at him until he finally met my eyes.
"Are you planning on challenging the pokemon league?" I asked and he blinked.
Confusion filled his face as he gazed at me but he slowly nodded. Letting a sigh escape through my nose I held onto my elbows to try and keep myself steady.
"I'll forget about the kiss," I said, feeling my throat clench and nearly choking on the words but I plowed on. "We only have two more battles before we both complete the island challenge and qualify for the pokemon league so we might as well travel together until those are over."
I could see him getting ready to argue and I glared at him. Silently telling him to let me finish.
"After we finish the island challenge then we will part ways," I said flatly and Paul looked relieved so I quickly continued. "The pokemon league will be in March. Until March we won't see each other... but I will enter the pokemon league with you, and if I beat you then you have to let me stay with you for as long as I choose," I said firmly and his purple eyes widened even further before they narrowed and to my surprise, HE took a step closer to me.
"Don't do this, Dawn. You know you can't beat me..." he started to say and I took a challenging step closer to him, folding my arms and glaring up into his beautiful amethyst eyes.
"And what if I can? If you're so sure that you can win then what do you have to lose?" I asked sarcastically.
I knew this was a dumb wager, but I didn't know any other way for him to see me as being strong enough to be able to stay by his side. And that was what I wanted more than anything in the world. Paul glared down at me with frustration but I saw a slight hesitation in his expression and hope leaped up into my throat.
"If we do this..." he said, seeming to struggle to even speak. "Then you have to promise you will forget about me when I beat you," he said, his voice turning firm. I scoffed.
"I can't make a promise like that," I retorted vehemently but my anger softened and I slowly let my arms fall down to my sides. "But if you win I promise I won't try to come after you," I said miserably and Paul sighed.
"You are really stubborn," he said tiredly.
I smiled sadly at him and extended a hand towards him.
"Do we have a deal?" I asked softly.
Paul met my eyes for several seconds before he hesitantly reached out and took my hand firmly in his. "Deal," he echoed softly.
The tears I'd been pushing back finally sprang to my eyes. I ducked my head down, trying to hide them from Paul, but when he tried to let go of my hand I gripped it tighter. Tears slipped down my cheeks and plopped into the river as I tried to convince myself to let go of his hand.
After a few seconds to my shock Paul closed the distance between us and pulled me into a gentle hug. I wrapped my arms around his chest and tried desperately to envision a future where I could hug Paul whenever I wanted... instead of seeing him turn and leave me behind for forever.
"I'm so sorry, Dawn," Paul whispered as he held me in his arms. "I'm sorry."
A/N Ooohhhh boy. I am so nervous to see your reactions to this chapter... Hopefully you didn't hate it :S Thank you as always for reading!!