The sight of Erwin heading towards us with his pack of ravenous titans was enough to strike terror into my heart. Not because of the danger to myself, but to Reiner, Bertholdt, and both Ymir and Krista.
Even with his abnormalities and brute strength, a hoard that size was life-threatening, but I knew that, even if it was just for a short while, I had to pull back. Going down before I could speak to him properly wasn't an option.
Sasha and Connie flanked me as we slowed a little, hoping to avoid getting caught up in the swarm.
"(Y/N), I think you should maybe pull back!" Sasha said worriedly, watching me hurry to clean up my tear stains.
"Yeah, you're looking majorly traumatised! We can handle this, y'know?! You don't have to push yourself!"
Shaking my head, I kept my eyes on Reiner's back as the hoard closed in, watching as he leaned into it, using his armored shoulder to charge. My fists closed right around the loose strands of Boy's flaxen mane.
"Mind your own hide! This isn't even c..close to pushing anything..!"
Oh, but it was. My vision was doubling more often than not, and I could feel a bout of the shakes coming on. Sweat was gathering upon my skin like beads of glass, feeling too hot for it to be considered normal.
It was then than Erwin galloped past me, as tense as anything, gritting his teeth.
"SOLDIERS DISPERSE! GET AWAY FROM THE TITANS!" He ordered in a roar, and my first instinct was to follow him. Boy snorted as I directed his head to turn, and I silently apologised to the poor creature for putting so much on his shoulders. The others followed suit, halting once we were a decent way away from the chaos.
Jean was by my side again, and his gaze lingered on me for an almost uncomfortable amount of time.
"Fall back, (Y/N). That's...an order." He said is so flatly, I would have either laughed or punched him square in the kisser if I had been myself. Instead, I just looked dead ahead.
"Recheck your rank, you idiot..."
He's just looking out for me...So were Connie and Sasha...but...I can't turn back now. I'm so close...
"It was worth a shot, right..?" Jean responded quietly, turning his attention to Reiner, as he began to scream out thundering cries as the titans attempted to drag him down. It shook me to the core, hearing that sound. My tongue was nearly being halved between my teeth as I sat helplessly atop Boy, who was uneasily shifting his weight between his front legs. "What is this..? Is this hell..?"
"No, but it will be..!" Erwin burst through those of us who sat stationary, raising his blade as he charged ahead. "All soldiers, FORWARD!" There was no hesitation on my part, and I let loose a short, guttural growl as I kicked Boy into action, seeming to snap the other soldiers out of their daze.
I know it would be counted as insubordination if I killed the titans around them...but...
"ADVANCE..!" From the moment Erwin ripped out his battlecry, time seemed to move at a snail's pace. Right beside me; so close, blood began to spray like water from a broken pipe. The man was lifted up and away, still ordering people to charge in a strained, almost wild voice as the titan continued to run. "EREN IS STRAIGHT AHEAD! ADVANCE!" The terror I felt was overwhelming as I battled between the two choices I had. Rescue Erwin, or reach Reiner.
He said...to advance...It's what he wanted..!
"Y..YOU HEARD HIM! ADVANCE!" I repeated the last words I had heard from the Commander, kicking into an unbeatable speed, straight towards my target, as the others hesitated. Titans were coming from every direction, but I put all of my faith into my closest friend. Boy dodged and weaved through grabbing hands and snapping jaws, and I just held on for dear life, praying for my head to seal itself back up, even if it was just for a few minutes.
I barely even noticed Mikasa fly over my head as I got close enough, but before she even swung her blades back, I knew she was going to miss. Reiner and Bertholdt; wherever they had came from, knew what they were doing. They were trained for this. That was why I barely batted an eyelid when Mikasa ended up falling into the hands of an eager titan.
"SOMEONE, GO GET 'ER!" I yelled, sounding more pissed off than concerned, and Jean hurried to her rescue. For a moment, I returned to my senses, incredibly impressed when the boy slashed into the titan's eyes, but i quickly slipped back into hazy confusion, focusing back on Reiner.
It's too much with all these titans in tow...I can't get close enough without posing as a risk for the lot of us..!
Growling loudly, I tore away from the mayhem, a few hundred yards away to an area without titans, just so I could gather myself. My breath was too fast and ragged, barely filling my lungs, and even my tongue felt like it was shaking. I couldn't take much more of anything, and I slumped over Boy's neck, praying that a few moments would help me.
"Th..that's it..! I'm not letting you do this anymore..!" Jean came to a skidding halt a few feet away, his mare prancing her feet as she nickered loudly. "You're gonna end up dying from exhaustion before a fucking titan gets you at this rate!"
"Don't...start..." I muttered, hissing as I threw myself into a painfully straight posture. "How do you know...what's good for me..?"
"That's my opinion, at least! You're concussed, for God's sake! I can see your fucked up pupils from here, idiot!" Jean snapped right back, raking a hand down his sweaty face and heaving a long, frustrated sigh before his tone softened. "You've done enough...More than your fair share...Just lean on us, okay?" He walked his horse right up to us, and I flinched.
"Just...lean on me a little, okay? All of us..."
Eld's haunting voice weaved through my mind, and I shook my head frantically, tugging at my scraggly (H/C hair.
"JUST SHUT UP, El...JEAN!" It hurt to have almost made that mistake. I didn't want to be angry at the copperette, who was just trying to keep me alive. It was selfish of me not to take that into account, but it couldn't be reined in.
"No, this is fucking ridiculous! I've had it with you, (Y/N)! Ever since we met, you've been acting like some suicidal little shit, not thinking about how anyone else feels about it! You bet your life to the Commander, you didn't even hesitate in Trost, you took on a whole fucking pack of these motherfuckers on your own, just hours ago! D..dammit, I don't get it! I don't get how Marco and I could fa-" He froze as his eyes flickered to the sky, and before I knew it, he was ripping me off of Boy's back; a tangle of the stallion's mane tearing, and throwing me into the air. "WATCH OUT!"
It was like that day in the titan forest. The overwhelming panic set in, but instead of hearing that godforsaken crack, I heard a ground-shaking boom.
It took so much energy to try and land on anything but my head, but there had still been damage. The force of my landing caused my vision to blur, and my ears began to ring like pitched church bells, never ceasing. When the dust settled, my heart seemed to fall with it, when I saw Jean sprawled on the ground, unmoving.
N..no...no no no no..!
Spinning my head around; uncaring of whatever permanent damage could come with any more movement, my jaw clenched at the sight of Reiner, prying the titans from his body and pitching them like balls, just as that Beast Titan had done with Mike's horse.
Reiner...this...was your fault...
"(Y/N), you gotta move..!" Instinctively, I struggled with whoever grabbed me by the scruff and threw me over the rear of their horse, even once I realised it had been Connie. The titan who had landed where we had been standing was rising to its feet, and we were fleeing to the treeline.
"F..fuck...off..!" I slipped and scrambled to turn myself around to face it, now sitting backwards with my back against Connie's. "T..take me...closer..!" When he heard the metallic sound of me pulling my blade from its sheath, Connie gulped loudly, though it sounded so quiet to my ringing ears.
"You're a lunatic! A..and don't you dare say that it's an-"
"THAT'S AN ORDER, SPRINGER..!"
I don't care..! Jean's dead because of Reiner..! Because of that titan..! I'll kill it! I'll rip it to pieces..!
"Fuuuuuuuuck..!" Connie wailed his cusses as he changed course, charging towards the eleven meter class that was jogging to join us halfway. "I shouldn't even be listening to you!" His complaints were unheard as I set my doubled sights upon the titan's head, swallowing back all of my panic and dread as I launched the anchor.
The tricep was where it caught, and I inwardly screamed at myself for being so pathetic at such a time. Despite my miss, I reeled myself in anyway, screaming so hard that my throat lost all of that burning feeling to numbness. A slash to its back, a nick to the back of its head. I couldn't aim for shit in the state I was in. Eventually, after numerous hacks and battle cries, I stopped, clinging from where my blades sank into its teres muscles, pressing my head hard against its skin.
Die...die...please, just die..!
"-iot! Absolute idiot..!" I yelped as my head was pulled back, and I caught a glimpse of my horrific reflection when a sword passed between my face and the titan's back, severing the cords to my hand pieces. Connie grunted as he pushed back off, carrying me like a sack of grain under his arm as he landed back upon his horse, fleeing at top speed towards the treeline.
I..I'm done...I can't...I can barely move...
"Is she okay?!" Armin worried over me as Connie dismounted, gently placing me beside a body of warmth. Turning my head, I caught the glimpse of the slow rise and fall of a chest before travelling my squinting gaze further up. Jean's eyes were closed, but he was breathing. He was alive.
"D..don't scare me like that...b..bastard..." I whispered to him under my breath, though I wasn't even sure anything came out of my mouth. Connie set back out, but Armin remained, a hand on each of us as he lowered himself closer to the ground behind the greenery.
"E..Eren's free..! This'll be over soon...It's gotta be..." The blond caught my eye when he looked down, and his brow creased. "(Y/N), you're freezing...and your eyes..."
I know...I'm at the end of my rope...but...
I felt like I had failed. I hadn't been able to reach Reiner and Bertholdt. I hadn't been able to save Erwin. If I hadn't been in the way, Jean wouldn't have been knocked out cold. I shouldn't have been a part of the mission to begin with.
Sitting up was almost impossible, and once I had, I felt like I was going to be sick. Armin fussed over me, but stopped the moment I swatted his hands away.
"Don't worry...I'm just...gonna call my horse..." I rasped, groaning in pain as I climbed to my feet. "F..focus on Jean...please..." Placing my fingers in my mouth, I whistled loudly, causing my head to spin due to the use of precious air.
Nothing.
Again, I ripped out a whistle, waiting for a few long minutes.
Still nothing.
He's probably too far away to hear...Everything is so loud...Dammit!
Carefully, I stepped closer to the edge of the brush, peering out over the hellish landscape of demons and death. Even with my vision failing me, I could spot my Boy. His horizontal body of brown and gold writhing and kicking a distance away from the bloodshed.
I didn't even hesitate. Gearless, and running on adrenaline alone, I began to run. The burning sensation that had accompanied each breath had returned, along with a white dapple to my vision. If a titan spotted me, that was fine. If I got devoured on my way, that was fine. At least I wouldn't have abandoned the one living being that meant most to me.
I dropped to my knees when I finally reached him, (E/C) eyes growing as wide as they could have ever been as I realised everything all at once. The first thing I noticed was his large, panicked eyes, showing too much white. Lower, lower, I saw just why that was. His front leg; the left, was gnarled like tangled wire. The snapped bone was barely contained beneath his skin, and a deep, seeping wound accompanied it.
What shattered me the most, was the soft, affectionate whinny Boy released once he noticed my presence. It was as though he was saying "finally, you're back", and it killed me. He tried to stand, but there was no way that he would ever manage that again. His neck lifted from the ground, trying to reach me, and I shook myself out of shock to crawl around behind him, kneeling and pressing my face into his mane.
"Sh..shhh...H..hey...it's okay, buddy Boy...I'm here...It's okay, n..now..." I whispered, feeling the tears begin to drip down and dampen that flaxen hue I had spent countless hours of my life fawning over. From where I was leaning, I could feel a foreign bump in his spine, against my knee, telling me that it wasn't just his leg alone that had forsaken him.
I...can't...
Boy settled against me, his breath evening out as I nuzzled hard into his warm skin. I wasn't deaf to the roars around me, nor the way the air stilled when one outdid the rest, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to make sure my Boy was calm and loved, just as he deserved to be. I swore hours had passed, but I knew that calm couldn't last forever.
"(Y..Y/N), we gotta-" Connie stopped himself as he pulled up abruptly, realising how I would have been feeling. Anybody who knew me would have understood that this scenario would have been my tipping point. "Hey...I'm sorry...but we have to go, (Y/N)...You can't stay behind with him..."
I know...
"We're retreating...We got Eren...and Reiner and Bertholdt aren't moving anytime soon...We need to go..."
I know...
"Do...you want me to...put him out of his misery...?" That was when I pulled back from my horse, meeting Connie's pitying eyes.
"M..me..." I never thought I would have to do such a thing. My hands trembled pathetically as I pulled one of my spare blades from my gear-box, feeling the steel cut into my enclosed palm. Looking down at Boy, I watched his dark, knowing eyes roll back to meet mine, and he puffed out a hot snort of air, followed by a weak nicker.
This was never meant to happen...
I didn't care how little time we had. Connie was free to leave me and retreat whenever he wished, but I knew the caring man wouldn't do such a thing. Slowly, I shuffled further up to Boy's face, leaning down and kissing at the quivering warmth of his temple.
"I..I love you, Boy...You...w..were so brave..." I sniffed, leaning back and holding the blade in place of where my lips had just touched. "Y..you can rest now...o..okay..? You're such a good Boy..."
Say hi to everyone for me...
When I felt the blade reach the earth below, I choked out a staggered gasp, throwing myself back from the horse's body, but not without feeling the beginning of its death rattle. My exhalation synced with his final release of oxygen, and everything became still.
I shouldn't have come after them...
"H..hey..." I barely reacted when Connie called to me. "...I'm sorry...but we gotta go..."
I...know...
A short while of me not moving later, Connie dismounted, murmuring his apologies as he picked me up, placing me upon his horse before mounting again and kicking off. I desperately clung to his wait, cheek pressed into his back as I stared at the passing landscape, which was littered with corpses. My vision failed me one last time as the armored titan came into view, fighting against ravenous jaws alongside another.
As my body began to shut down, I turned my face into the material of Connie's shirt, feeling more tears drizzle down my face and onto the saddle.
Reiner...I still can't believe...that you're the bad guy...
.
.
.
.
**DUH
Okay okay, I'm sorry! Couldn't resist.
Anyway, fuck my entire asshole, that hurt to write/draw. I loved Boy so much. He's based off a horse that belonged to my father's friend, named Boyd.
Anywho, this arc is finally over! Now we can delve back into budding emotions and steer clear of most of the hardcore angst!
Also, yeah, I jumbled people's positions up and timings and shit, but I'm going off pure memory here sksk***