[JANE POV.]
❝ it's a long way through the cold day, why do I need besides what I, recoil and lay besides, why do I need that ! ❞
━ CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.
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MY HEART drops at the sight of him.
it's not like I don't remember what his eyes look like, but now, looking into them for the first time in months, I feel every ounce of passion and emotion I had spent so long trying to scrape out of the hollows of my bones come rushing back all at once with the final twang of the band's guitar, knocking me off of my feet so effortlessly, so easily, just the same as if I were looking at him for the very first time all over again—how does one look manage to do this to me?
more importantly, why in the hell is he here?
the intermingling of our eyes having its very own conversation through just the contact of a look was enough to block out the bustle of music and screaming kids surrounding me, applauding the last song on the set list. I barely even catch the echo of ben's voice seeping into each corner of the venue, announcing that the band will be taking a short intermission before continuing on with the show.
I'm too busy wondering if he's really standing there, or if it's just a figment of my imagination, a remaining piece of the idealized mike wheeler I had made up in my head for all those years come to life. if it's just a visual ghost of the way he left me and how I've been trying to murder the thought of him from my brain.
but as he began walking towards me,
I realized that this wasn't some illusory figure that had somehow manifested from the flood of fights and unrequited pain he had forced me under. this was real. he was real.
"jane."
his voice came out soft and poignant, drenched in a sense of sincerity and sorrow all at once, slapping me awake from the nights I had spent tossing and turning, trying desperately to rid him from my mind.
"mike," I breathed back, feeling a rattling pang enter my system, spreading throughout the premises of my flesh and drawing a hitch to my breath, "what–what are you doing here?"
"my, uh, my friends. they dragged me here," he replied, his eyes suddenly flickering back and forth at our surroundings, his gaze wandering about like a lost child tottering through gravity.
"your friends?" I questioned, not even noticing the way my voice had begun shaking at the seams.
"yeah," he mumbled, "kind of. troy, lucas, james, and uh, max."
"oh," I uttered, my own focus shifting from the boy's face to down to my feet for the first time since we had first locked eyes.
"max and I—we're not–she's with lucas now. we're all...friends," he stuttered, as it seemed he was almost desperate to let an explanation slip.
"oh," I repeated, still in enigmatic shock at his very presence and the very existence of our exchange.
what the hell was I even doing?
I had sworn that last night we fought never to speak to him again. and yet here I was, flustered and fallen apart, my arms and lungs spread open in opposite directions once more for him to reach inside my chest and take my heart for his own.
no. no more.
I had changed now. I was no longer the insecure scared little girl desperate for acceptance and a boy who would never pour himself into me like the way I had invested every inch of myself into him. I was tired of begging people to love me. I had spent too long trying to put myself back together after the way he had picked me apart limb my limb, tearing away at each tendon and muscle with the words of still loving her staining his tongue.
I didn't want to hurt anymore.
"hey! what'd you think?"
the voice came out of seemingly nowhere as an arm rested around my shoulders, my head spinning around like a dreidel to catch sight of the voice's owner.
"it was...great! you did so well!" I exclaimed when my eyes met ben's, my body sinking into his as I wrapped my arms around his waist and gave him a quick yet sincere embrace.
"hey, who's this?" he asked nonchalantly, jutting his chin upwards in mike's direction, his arm still fallen over my shoulder.
mike wheeler's face seemed to hold nothing.
it was like he was in a state of catatonia, his eyes glazed over like all light had fled the confines of his deep brown irises, his features statued and immobile except for the slight quiver of his bottom lip, barely noticeable yet prominent to only those who knew him as well as I did.
"this is mike," I began, gesturing towards the boy with a dainty hand, "he's an old...friend."
"what's going on mike," ben extended his hand out to him, the familiar friendly smile painted across his face, "I'm ben. you enjoying the show?"
I watched as mike took ben's hand in his slowly, shaking it harshly with intent, his focus still strong-held onto my face rather than ben's as his husky voice departed from his lips, "yeah, I am. you, uh, you mind if I borrow jane for a second?"
my heart almost twisted at the awkward air looming in the atmosphere, coiling itself around each inch of the three of us glaring at each other in almost a dissociated state of reality.
"yeah," ben said, his eyebrows perking upwards at mike's question as his arm hesitatingly departed for my shoulder, "yeah sure."
"cool, thanks," mike awkwardly nodded at him, clearing his throat softly at ben's arm leaving my body. something about the dorky way he spoke sent a rush of memories down my hippocampus, a nostalgic sense of the old, awkward, grangily yet perfectly nerdy mike wheeler filling my system. god, how I missed that guy. that was the mike I had fallen for in the first place, anyways.
I walked in the opposite direction, following mike as he lead me towards the exit of the concert venue, giving ben a small parting smile in reassurance. I was fully aware just how much I shouldn't have even spoken to mike in the first place, after swearing off any interaction with the boy who had destroyed me and any hope I had left over and over again, but something about the way he looked at me...the way our eyes locked across the room as the concert lights danced about our faces, the otherworldly bodies bouncing to the rhythm of the music that pounded and pulsed at every surface and eardrum in sight. it was like a force unbeknownst to man—a need.
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[MIKE POV.]
A COOL gust of air rushed towards the pair of us as the door to the concert venue clicked behind jane.
somehow, the scene seemed as if it were strangely familiar; the two of us standing across one another, the damp air bustling about us as the trees blew softly in the distance, stars speckling the sky and bringing just enough light so that I could see the curves and edges of her face. it reminded me of that night at the park all those years ago where we had snuggled up under a tree, draped in my father's corduroys as she lay her head on my shoulder and asked if I thought she was pretty.
so much had changed since then.
so many regrets and mistakes I had made.
"so?" she questioned, her head tilting in confusion as the wind swirled delicately at our skin, the autumn air blossoming around us.
"I just..." I started, not even sure where I was going, "I just wanted to talk."
"about?" she asked again, the panic settling in as I realized I had asked to get her alone for no reason at all, other than the fact that I didn't want to be interrupted any longer by that boy.
that boy.
"who was that?" the words suddenly sprung from my mouth.
"who was who?"
"that guy. the one in the band—" I searched my mind for his name, as it had come and gone so quickly amidst the confusion and shock of seeing him put his hand over her shoulder.
"ben?" she answered for me.
"yeah, him."
"he's..." my irritation grew, lurching in the pit of my stomach as I watched a tiny smile form on her petal lips at the thought of this...other guy. "he's a friend..a friend I made."
"a friend?" I repeated, trying as hard as possible to push my agitation back against my teeth.
"yeah. we used to go trick or treating together, way back before you and I met."
something about the fact that she had known this boy way longer than she had known me sent a burst of panting angst drilled into my flesh, as i clenched my fist harder to attempt to control just how much I wanted to combust into flames. why was I so damn angry?
"oh," I uttered, my eyebrows furrowing as my gaze flickered down to my feet.
"are–are you okay, mike?" she asked me, stepping closer in proximity, causing my heart to skip a beat.
"yeah, I'm fine," I lied, bringing my eyes back to hers. I hadn't noticed until now how small she was in comparison, as I looked down at her tiny face, gazing up at mine in slight concern.
"so, is he like, your boyfriend?" I asked, the words slipping out past my lips like soap.
jane inhaled in what seemed like surprise at my question, stepping back slightly (to my disappointment).
"I...I'm not sure–well–see it's–we haven't really officially—"
"so he basically is," I cut her off, knowing that once she started rambling she wouldn't stop.
"we have...a thing."
"yeah."
"yeah."
I turned away from her, leaning my back up against one of the nearby trees, and began reaching for a cigarette in my jacket pocket. it had continued being a bad habit with the influence of troy and james, anyways.
"hey–" jane intercepted, striding nearer to me, "don't do that. it's bad for you."
"yeah, no shit," I muttered, putting it between my teeth anyways.
"yeah, it's bad for me too if I'm around," jane protested, snatching it out of my mouth and tucking it into her own pocket. "secondhand smoke kills."
"well you won't be around me for much longer, huh? since we aren't friends anymore."
the words seemed to puncture her to silence, as I watched her eyes widen at the sounds evacuating my mouth, her breath hitching in disbelief.
"you're forgetting who's fault that is. just don't," she began, her voice sharp and commanding, "don't do that. we aren't fucking twelve years old anymore. I thought we moved past that–matured a little."
"it's been what jane–three, four months since we last talked? and you already have a boyfriend? why couldn't you get one when I was with max? why'd it have to be now?"
"what are you even saying? why are you starting something again? why do we always have to fight?" she shook her head, words nabbing at me like leeches, "I didn't want a boyfriend back then. you know why–
"all I wanted was you."
my heart stops at that sentence, the shock of how quickly she'd move past all that had happened hitting me like a wall of bricks.
"and now?" I walk closer to her, hands in my pockets, "you've just...moved on?"
"I had to...right? you wouldn't have wanted me, anyways. life went on without you, mike. of course it did. what we had...our friendship, or whatever that mess was—that was an ending. not the end."
"and what if I wanted you now?" I uttered, the words cracking through painfully as I realized the pounding in my chest, my eyes shut in immense hate for myself and all I had done to her. I was such a damn fool, and here I was, begging to be taken back, knowing that she had hurt exactly as I was, but double the span of time, and double the pain.
I had hurt her. I had hurt her so badly, and I had been too much of a fucking idiot to realize it.
my eyes opened again to see her standing even closer to me than before, close enough that her head was tilted upwards just to make eye contact. and then through the illuminated moon, I saw a sparkle, a tear, trickling down her face like it was crawling towards the ground, her eyes sincere and filled with loss.
"mike," she whispered, her own voice festered with cracks, "you have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that."
my heart jumped at her words as I brought my hand up to her cheek, wiping softly at the remnants of her tears with my thumb, a smile forming on my lips as she grinned at my touch.
"but it's too late."
the world came crashing down, buildings and trees and all, toppling over one another like a black hole were sucking out all life of a lively world I had once known in which jane ives wanted nothing in life but me to be in it. and now...that was gone. I had lost her.
my fingers departed from her cheek as tears began streaming down my own, my movements statued into one place as I once again entered a state of catatonia, immobile and simply...existing.
"I'm going to california after high school. I've been accepted into UCLA..." her words fizzled into nothing but marbled speech, blurred at the ends and fuzzy at others. everything around me seemed to fall dull, transfixing into shapes and lines and noises—nothing made sense anymore.
"...maybe if you're ever in LA,"
the sounds came back to me, slightly less warbled as her face once again came back into vision. I watched as if it happened in slow motion as her fingers reached towards me, coming into contact with my face and cupping the side of it, sending an electrifying force down my spine. slowly but surely, she got on her tip toes, her face slowly leaning toward mine, her lips brushing the side of my other cheek softly as she slid just toward my ear, as her petaled lips remained just inches away from it as jane whispered—
"look me up."
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hello everyone!! <3
I'm back from my recovery break after season 3. honestly I'm still not over it but I have to get back to writing at some point!
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I assure you the story is NOT over yet but I hope you like where it's going! please leave me ur comments and reviews because they really do influence the story and help me know what you like to see/gives me motivation to continue. (:
thank you for all ur love, support, comments, votes, and follows!! it means the absolute world. also PLEASE check out my other book APATHY if you haven't! it's a fillie au that I'm sure you'll enjoy if you like this book.
see you soon!
—sonorabee (cyn ᴗ̈ )