WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?
I’m falling so hard for him it should have my knees trembling with fear. It should make me want to put some distance between us, take things at a much slower pace. That was out of the question. I found myself spending as much time with him as possible. And the fact that Sein had a thing for surprises didn’t help the matter, not that I minded. It actually put us together as much as possible, usually unexpected. If he called and asked what I was doing then he had something in mind and I never knew about it until it was happening. He had a thing for up and going, spontaneous like nothing I expected. One Tuesday afternoon we drove all the way to South Jersey to eat at a chain restaurant that wasn’t in the north. All because I saw a commercial and groaned at how good the food looked.
We spent a lot of time in the city also. He knew the city more than I did. Usually I only went there for business purposes and it was an in and out thing, not for “fun” like Sein did. During his years at NYU he said he would take the subway, got off at random stops and just explore the place. He used to get lost on purpose just to be able to find his way around. We spent some evenings at the park, Battery Park, I think it was called and then some nights we went to the Regal Cinema near the park. I instigated the first couple make out sessions but we started acting like adults, eventually.
It was a Thursday Evening and Sein had Friday and the following week off. The two weeks after he got back from Miami were spent working and working with the same client. It was “a matter of finalizing everything,” Sein had said. He worked hard for it. I felt proud of him and at the same time I felt like I had no need to be. I knew he’d get it done. I guess I felt proud because of how driven he was and how he always seemed to be successful and remained humble. I admired him
He was something to be scared of. You give your heart to a man like Sein and you gave him more power over yourself than you’ve ever had. He could take you and twist you and make you into anything he wanted to, and you’d have no choice but to be molded. I wasn’t afraid of him. If anything, I was scared of me, for him.
Sein: Wanna come to the city? I’m having drinks with my friends to celebrate.
Me: Sure.
Sein: Take the path around 6pm, or whenever you’re free. I’ll meet you outside. Just let me know when you’re about to get on the train.
Me: K.
I could practically see Sein rolling his eyes and I found amusement in that. That’s his least favorite letter in the whole alphabet all because of texting.
I didn’t get out of the office until 6:15pm. By the time I got home it was almost 7pm, and when by the time I showered, got dressed, and took a cab to the station it was nearly 8pm. Sein told me where to get off the train and when I climb the stairs to the street he was right there, head down texting on his phone.
“Hey, you,” I said. Sein looked up, a beatific smile on his face. I kissed him gently on his lips and then he grabbed my hand, threading his fingers through mine.
“Hi, thanks for coming.”
“Anytime. You smell like alcohol,” I commented.
Sein grinned. “Yeah, didn’t have much of a choice. Everyone’s waiting to meet you.”
I made sure to pay attention to where we were going. If there was alcohol involved I wanted to know how to get my ass home. I’ve never been that wasted but it doesn’t hurt to be safe. It wasn’t until we were crossing the street that I realized what Sein said.
“Everyone’s waiting to meet me? Who’s everyone?”
“It’s okay…just my friends—if they say anything to embarrass me, don’t listen.”
We went to a bar and Sein walked all the way to the back, hand in mine until we sat down. He introduced his friends but the music was so loud that I barely heard anything. There was only one girl, and seven guys, including Sein and I.
“Luna,” she whispered in my ear as she passed me a shot. “It’s Washington Apple, good shit.”
They were loud and everybody was up in each other’s space trying to hear each other out. I was suddenly thrust into a game of Q and A by his friends until Sein told them to back off. He seemed a bit overprotective in that moment but I honestly didn’t mind. The questions though, turned less personal and more curious.
The guy sitting opposite Sein leaned over and said something to him. Sein tensed first and then he shrugged. He pulled is cellphone out of his pocket and turned into between his thumb and index fingers for what seemed like forever. He put the phone back and then took it out again.
“I’ll be right back,” he whispered in my ear. He was gone for awhile before he texted me.
Sein: Why didn’t you tell me?
The message was attached to a picture of me and next to my company logo.
Me: Does it matter?
Sein: That you didn’t tell me? Yes. Is it not important to you?
This isn’t a conversation I want to be having right now, I thought to myself, taking a deep breath.
Me: Of course it is. I wasn’t hiding it from you.
Sein: Oh. I thought you were because that would mean you didn’t trust me...
I smiled at that.
Me: Get back in here. I just bought you and your friends a bottle. It’s almost done.
Sein seemed uneasy when he finally made it back to the table but one kiss on his lips changed that. His friends cooed at him, much to his embarrassment. The night continued with rambunctious conversations and laughter. The highlight of my night was when Luna had went to use the ladies room and a guy touched her breast on purpose and she kneed him in the groin then pushed him over. Her friends didn’t even bat an eyelash when that happened. They knew she’d take care of herself. She was fierce and strong and her mop of curly hair and sweet smile that made her look younger than she was would make anyone think otherwise.
It was an early night because unlike Sein, his friends had work Friday morning. He was drunk but manageable. He handled himself well, actually. I just made sure I was holding onto him whenever we had to cross the street.
“I think we’ve become exclusive and hadn’t really noticed it,” Sein commented as we waited for the train.
“Lets have this conversation when your head is a little clearer, hmm?”
Sein nodded. I thought he agreed but it only took a few more seconds for him to start talking again. “I know what I’m saying. I know I’m a little drunk, too, not stupid. I’ve dated a lot these past couple months and before I even officially met you, I felt more for you than I’ve felt for anybody else in a really, really long time.” He stepped closer to me. “I want to be with you, Max. If it’ll make you feel better, then yeah, let’s have this conversation in the morning.” There was a sudden chill in the tunnel.
When the train stopped in Hoboken and we stood, Sein stumbled a bit. It wasn’t a drunk stumble either and for a second he looked confused as if he didn’t know where he was. Weary of this, I took his arm and placed it around my neck as I placed my own arm around his waist.
“Dizzy?” I asked.
“I don’t remember if I ate anything apart from breakfast,” he said instead of answering me.
Shit. “Do you want to go back to my place—I have spare rooms? I can whip up something for you to eat.”
“I don’t want mac and cheese.”
I guffawed, embarrassingly so, and almost took us both to the ground.
We took a cab back to my place. I avoided letting Sein climb the stairs. I went up and brought some sweats and t-shirt to him and showed him the washroom. While he was changing I got eggs, milk, bacon, the box of pancake mix (because I can’t imagine the damage I’d do making pancakes from scratch), a bottle of water for him, and went to work.
“I can help.” I eyed him skeptically. “It’s been way over an hour since I had my last drink. I’m barely tipsy, I promise…it’s ‘cause I didn’t eat.”
“‘Kay. Have some water though.”
“Thank you. You know, I think you text me that on purpose just ‘cause I hate it.”
“Text you what?”
“The actual letter ‘K’. Infuriating.”
I smirked at him.
He looked good in my clothes. They actually fit him properly even though he had more muscles than I did, from what I’ve seen. I haven’t seen much. I wish I did. It has happened more than once where we were kissing and my need to take things further was physically and emotionally painful that I had to pull away and put space between us.
It’s been too long since I’ve been with someone properly. There were a couple times when I went out with friends and I gave into the need to be touched and sucked until I came. I could count on my fingers how many times I allowed that to happen. That wasn’t me and I usually felt dirty after, like I did something wrong. Two consenting adults fucking in a bathroom stall wasn’t doing anything wrong, I knew that but I didn’t like that.
I liked knowing that I would wake up to the person the next morning, or at least see them soon after. I liked intimacy and being able to memorize the different sounds, expressions, and movements the other person’s body made without it being weird or unacceptable or too soon. And then there were the other times I thought I would hear from the person after and I didn’t. And then there were the times when I realized it was one-sided and all I had to offer was a good fuck to some desperate man that needed just that. Sad thing was I knew better but I gave in anyway. I made myself think of a reason for it to be okay.
It was nice to know that Sein felt the same way I did about being with another person. We didn’t want something for the moment, yet we believed in living in the moment. What we wanted were many moments for as long as possible, and in this moment, preferably with each other.
We finished eating and I showed Sein where the toothbrush and towels were. I needed to talk to him but I was the one that wanted to wait until morning, so I showed him the rooms and let him pick the one he wanted after I pointed out Simon’s. The only person that could stay in there was my dad because he understood Simon best and knew that if he shuffled the air too much Simon would know.
At 2:39pm I got out of bed and went downstairs for a cup of hot chocolate. To my surprise, Sein was there, standing by the counter as he waited for the kettle. I stopped in the shadows and watched him. His hands moved from where he had them crossed over his chest and then he moved them to rest on the countertop, a small rhythm created by his finger tips shortly after. His hair was a mess like he had been running his hands through them every second and one foot of the sweats was bundled up close to his knee.
I made sure to make some noise as I walked into the kitchen. “Couldn’t sleep?” He hummed and shook is head. “Me either. I—”
“Can I ask you something?” Sein cut me off.
“Sure,” I answered. I went and stood next to him, my back against the counter so that we were looking at each other.
“I know what we agreed on, right? But I’m not going to keep falling for you and then…”
It’s like I was inside his head and I knew exactly what he was going to say. “No. I do want to be with you. I was scared it was the alcohol talking.”
“Even if it was I think my actions alone speak more than I ever could say to you. And I can say a lot, trust me.”
“You’re right and I’m sorry.” I took Sein’s hands and pulled him to stand in front of me, my arms going around his waists as I pulled him closer to me. “I want to be with you.”
That smile was back and then I was tightening my arms around him to bring him closer for a kiss. His lips were demanding as usual and his mouth tasted like peppermint. He wrapped his arms around my neck in a possessive way that made my knees a little weak. I could feel the warmth from his body seeping through my clothes as he pressed against me, his tongue delving into my mouth. I sucked on his tongue, moving my hands across his back in firm yet gentle caresses. Sein loved being touched. He loved having my hands all over him. He made these soft appreciative sounds in his mouth whenever I did.
I decided that it was okay now to give into my need to do some of the things I really wanted. Moving my hands down, I lifted his shirt and teased the skin above the waistband of the sweats for a little bit before moving up to familiarize his back with my palms and fingertips. Sein shuddered when I took a bit of the pressure off of my hands to ghost along his back, his teeth nipping my bottom lip, eliciting a sweet sound from me. My hands were right by his hips. I didn’t think as I moved them a couple inches and grabbed his ass, squeezing to pull him flush against me and bit his lip right back.
Sein moaned softly, pulled away and said, “I like that.”
Noted.