Fifteen

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LIFE

            Sunday I went to church with my father and Simon. After church we had lunch then we stopped at a drive-thru for some sandwiches before going back to my father’s place to make dinner. Dad asked me if I could invite Sein over for dinner and I told him no. I told him I haven’t seen or spoken to him in a week. I told him that things were complicated.

            I saw the disappointment on his face. That was another reason I didn’t want them to meet each other. Dad would have seen how happy we were together and he would be happy that I wasn’t alone anymore. I knew that something would go wrong and I knew that I would take that away from him. I told him I was sorry. He looked surprised before he told me he was happy that I was happy, even if things didn’t work out, and that I had nothing to be sorry about. It’s just life.

            Simon didn’t say anything. He had the ability to speak volumes in silence so I left him. I knew how close they got to each other and I saw how quickly Simon warmed up to him and got close to him. Simon wasn’t social but he could be friendly, and when he made a friend that person meant a lot to him. I felt guilty. A part of me wished they had never met but that’s just the part that hated seeing the way their faces fell. Dinner was quiet.

            I drove home, changed into comfortable clothes, and tried to ignore the fact that I picked clothes he had worn. I made cocoa in the giant mug Simon got me and worked myself to exhaustion until I could barely keep my eyes open. I didn’t want to lie in bed and think about anything or anyone.

            I woke up early and went to the office. I worked and worked and I think my employees hated me a little. The more I worked the more work they had to do. Seemed fair. Once home, I played music and sang the lyrics. I worked while I ate.

            Tuesday. Repeat. I had fallen into my old routines and a part of me didn’t mind at all. Sunday morning I found myself unwilling to get out of bed, unwilling to do anything. Dad called.

            “I’m fine. Just need to think.”

            Monday, I canceled a presentation I had and then I went out and ran for hours. My feet felt sore when my bare feet touched the floor. I ate some frosted flakes so I wouldn’t fall over while I showered.

            With my head back, I relaxed underneath the water for a few minutes. My breathing was the only thing I focused on. In…out. Then I let my mind slip. I had so many questions. Sometimes I felt as if I were dreaming, unable to wrap my mind around the situation I found myself in. Sometimes I wondered if Sein and I had met before when we were teenagers before the thing happened between me and Daniel. And I had wondered too, how it was that they were related. Then I remembered what Sein told me in one of our many lazy mornings together.

            “From what I know. When my mom lived here she used to work for my father, they had an affair, only at the time she thought she was having a fling with her boss. Turned out he was married and next thing my mom knew she was meeting a woman that was as pregnant as she was. We moved to Spain after I was born. When my father’s wife found out she tried to get in contact with us but only so I could have a relationship with my father. So I traveled back and forth for holidays and breaks. When I moved here permanently for school it all just went downhill from there. My sister is not my mom’s daughter, neither is she my father’s wife’s daughter and she’s the youngest one. I couldn’t respect him after that but I love his wife very much. She always treated me well, better than my father ever did, so when I say I spend a lot of time with my family I’m talking about her. I don’t know why some women stay with men like my father. My aunt is the same way, and so are a lot of cousins. He’ll get his. I probably have more siblings that I don’t know about.”

            Sein had his mom’s surname. If it were his father’s something would have definitely clicked. What would’ve happened if I knew? Sein and I would have been over before we began because I couldn’t have kept it from him. That’s the best and worst-case scenario. I wouldn’t have known how beautiful he was inside and out, best-case scenario. I wouldn’t have known how beautiful he was inside and out, worst-case scenario.

            I sent him a message because I just couldn’t spend another night without some kind of closure.

            When are we going to talk?

            His response was immediate.

            Is now a good time? Can I come over?

            There won’t ever be a good time for this, I thought to myself but I responded with a simple yes. When he finally got there and I let him inside, it was like meeting someone for the first time, someone I just didn’t click with. I would say it was like meeting him for the first time but meeting him for the first time was like being kissed by summery winds. Now, it was like being slapped in the face by bitter winter wind.

            “How are you?” He asked. I shrugged. “Really?”

            “I don’t know,” I shrugged again. “I’m confused. I feel lost. How are you?”

            “I’ve been better.”

            I hate small talk. “If it were up to me we would’ve both been okay,” I said honestly. “But since that’s not up to me…”

            He looked like I punched him. “I’m sorry.”

            “You didn’t do anything. It’s just life, my life. I feel like I should be apologizing for bringing you in my bad luck. We talked about this and I know something was bound to happen sooner or later.”

            “Am I allowed to talk about him?”

            I took a deep breath and let it out. “If it’s about how he loves me just…” I didn’t even have the words.

            “You left. He didn’t get a chance to fix—”

            “So it’s my fault that he embarrassed me to the point that my dad happily moved us across the country?”

            “I’m not blaming you,” Sein sighed. “I’m not blaming anyone. I’m trying to stay neutral. What I’m saying is you moved on because you were able to let it go. He had to live with something he never got a chance to even apologize for. That destroyed him and I was witness to that. He can’t even say your name.”

                “Like I’ve told you, that’s not my problem. He did that to himself. He’s not even gay!” I yelled.

            “No, he’s not,” Sein said, so much calmer than he looked. Actually, he looked dejected. “He’s pansexual. He grew up in a home with a hypocritical catholic father that got so angry when Daniel told him about his sexuality that there was a dent in the wall the shape of my brother’s head. His mother feared for his safety that she sent him all the way to Spain. All this happened in his freshman year too. I tried to be there for him but I wasn’t able to. It wasn’t me, or my mom, or his mom that he did wrong. We just couldn’t fix it. He knew he was different most of his life and he had no one. He was lost too.”

            Young me would've felt bitter and thought he deserved it. But the person I became knew better. The person I became was more understanding. The person I became felt sad for him.

             “I didn’t know.”

            “But I know, Maxwell. And that’s why I can’t be with you.”

            “I know.” He nodded. “Could you…could you not cut Simon out of your life? You mean a lot to him.”

            “As long as he still wants to talk to me.”

            “Thank you.”

            Goodbye.

A/N

Be patient, my lovelies. More to come.

Didn't read through. Sorry for typos. 

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