When I woke up, I was laying down upon rattling wood. There was no canopy above me, only vast, blue sky...
...and I could hear the aggressive shouting of men and women alike.
"MADE SUCH A FUSS AND BACK BEFORE LUNCH, HUH?!" Someone yelled viciously. "JUDGING BY THOSE POUTY FACES, THEY AT LEAST MANAGED TO BLOW OUR TAXES!"
Shut up...You don't know anything...
"Captain Levi, sir! Thank you for taking such good care of my daughter! I'm Petra's father! There's something I would like to discuss with you before I find her..!"
When I heard that name, I also heard that sound. The sharp, distinct crack of a skull, and the splintering noise of that damned tree trunk. The crunching of the gravel beneath the wheels of the wagon was almost triggering, as it was so painfully similar.
"Eren, you need to rest."
Eren...Jaeger...
His name made my blood boil, and I used every shred of energy, suffering through the intense pain in my left shoulder, to sit up. He was behind me, in another wagon. Bruised, bandaged, and flanked by his ravonette guard dog. Even in the crippled state I was in, I wanted to leap over the edge and kill him.
How...Why does he get to..?
"J..JAEGER!" The break in my voice stung my throat as I screamed out at him, and a heavy silence fell upon both the convoy of defeated soldiers and the citizens around us. "WH..WHY DID YOU GET TO SURVIVE?! WHY...DID YOU GET TO MAKE THAT FUCKING CH..CHOICE..?!"
His wide, crystal eyes stared at me, filled with so many emotions. Fear, regret, pain...and pity, as Mikasa moved in front of him protectively. I hated that look above all others.
"Forgive me, but I will have to find you later, Mr. Ral, as I also have something regarding your daughter to discuss...but I need to tend to something beforehand." I heard Levi utter a hurried apology to Petra's father, and then he was beside me, leading both Mire and Boy along the road.
His eyes looked sunken in his skull, and his mouth was a razor sharp line that split his face in two.
"A..and you..." I whispered, feeling the words I wanted to scream at him building up in my scorching throat.
"If you're able, climb onto your horse. I need to talk with you." He said bluntly, casting his eyes downward.
Talk...Yeah, right...You passed us by...you didn't even stop...You refuse to grieve..!
I looked to Boy, who was craning his neck over the side of the wagon, puffing warm air towards me as he checked that I was alright. With a shaky sigh, I stood up, barely managing to stay on my feet before I eased myself over the stallion's back. Levi pulled us away slowly, and the crowd parted, as if scared for their lives as he neared them. It didn't stop the slandering curses and shouts, but that's all they could manage.
I kept my eyes squeezed shut, timing the pulse I felt through my horse's skin as we walked on, and trying my hardest to hang on with only one arm in commission. I didn't want to talk, but I knew that if I had remained back there; so close to the one at fault, I would have murdered him.
"Are you able to dismount?" Levi prompted me to open my eyes, and I realised we were not too far from the old barracks, in a silent backstreet, cloaked in shadows. It was morbidly dreary, and it fitted the situation. With no response, I carefully began to slide off Boy's side, baring my teeth as I felt hands lightly guide me from behind.
"Don't touch me..!" I hissed, quickly switching from aggression to pain when I tried to throw him off with my shoulders.
My injury was strapped tightly, with my arm to my chest, but I could handle the hurting if it meant he would get away from me. Levi backed away immediately, watching with dull eyes as I finally made it to the ground, still leaning on Boy for support.
"(Y/N), you all fought well...I know it may seem like it was pointless, but i-"
"It was pointless..!" I cut him off in an instant, sick of people giving me their pathetic excuses. "N..no matter what shitty justification you give me...that's not gonna change..." I fixed my glare on the deep brown of Boy's coat, silently pleading that the man would give it up.
"I understand where you're coming from." Levi mumbled, kicking at the ground lightly with his boot. "I believed in them. I still believe in them...but we can't undo what has been done, (Y/N). We just have to push on, for the sake of everybody else." I was struggling to keep myself together. Every moment of that battle was playing on repeat in my head, and I couldn't take it.
"Then...why did you go past us..? You...didn't even stop...to check if they were alive..." I was completely aware that what I was saying was laying the guilt on him, but that's what I wanted. I wanted him to feel horrible. I needed him to drown in that feeling.
Levi didn't speak for a while, and I could tell that he was trying to choose the right words to say.
"You saw them...There was no way that any of them could have survived that..." It hurt to know that he was right. If it had been anybody else, I likely would have done the same. Except, it wasn't. It was Oluo...it was Petra...it was Gunther...and it was Eld...
"H..hey...Ackerman..?" My voice surprised me when I spoke. It was almost a laugh, but it was so painfully twisted, it seemed to startle the both of us. "Y'know...Eld and I...were gonna get m..married when we came back..?" Once that first tear slipped past the threshold, that was it. Before I knew it, I was crumpled in a heap on the ground, punching the pavement with my available hand, splitting the knuckles clean open.
When I felt Levi's touch, my first response was to shove him away, but he wouldn't accept that this time around. Instead, he forced my head against his chest, gripping my hair firmly, but not hard enough to cause me any physical pain.
"Scream. Cry. Punch me. Whatever you need to do, you do it, kid..." He murmured, and that was when I heard the anguish in his tone. It was well hidden, and considerably hardened, but it was there.
I need...I need...
I did exactly as he told me. My good arm reeled back, and then it moved in...to curl around his neck. The sobs that wracked through my body burned my lungs and throat, sending violent shivers and jolts through my body, and Levi just knelt there, letting me use him as I wished. It took him a while; likely because my choice had come as a shock to him, but he eventually allowed his arms to surround me in a loose embrace.
"We need to get you to the infirmary. I'm headed there myself, so I suppose I'll escort you." He spoke up after a while, pulling me to a stand with him, but not once letting go. "Afterwards, I want you to get some food and go to bed. You're welcome to stay in Eld's room, if that would help you in some way..."
Since when...we're you so understanding..? This doesn't make any sense...I want to hate you...but...
I couldn't. There was no way I could hate Levi, and it made me despise myself. I had gone ahead and pinned the blame on him when he was suffering, too. I just couldn't see it out in the open.
"Levi..." I sniffled out his name miserably, withdrawing my arm from his neck. "...how long will it take until I can keep these feelings locked away..?"
His reaction was the complete opposite of what I had expected. His hand came down heavy on top of my head, and he jerked it up so I was staring straight into his misty, lacklustre eyes.
"If you are to ever follow a single one of my orders, let this be it...You are not to lock anything away. Do you understand me, brat..?" He sounded so urgent, and it scared me. I couldn't understand why he was trying to deter me from it, because it seemed so much easier to me. I didn't want to feel anything.
"U..understood...but...disregarded..." I whispered, turning to place a hand on Boy's haunches. "Let's just go...I don't wanna dwell on this right now...I can't..." Seeming to understand, Levi heaved a sigh before taking hold of Mire's reins.
"Whatever...Can you walk, or do I have to throw you up on that shitty horse of yours?"
Asshole...
"I'll be fine...I just hurt everywhere, that's all..." I muttered, eyeing the way he favoured a certain leg when he took a step. Now I understood why he was on his way to the infirmary. " You engaged the titan, huh..?" The last thing I wanted to do was talk, but I at least needed to know that he got to her. I wanted her to have at least sustained some sort of injuries, if not death.
"Yes." He replied shortly, leading the way through the backstreet towards the barracks, where the medic was located. "I had to make sure the brat stayed alive..."
Jaeger...
Gritting my teeth, I didn't say anything more as we both limped along like a pair of lowly dogs, heads down and tails tucked between our legs. It felt like such a disgrace to be called a scout on this day, and I knew there would be more to come.
We'll find you, traitor...and when we do...I'll land the finishing blow...
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The mess hall was much emptier than it usually was. The typical fill were either grieving or dead, and it showed. I hadn't wanted to come, but the medic had insisted I at least try to eat something.
I was suffering from a severe dislocation of the shoulder, severe strain to the ligaments of my back, a possible ruptured spinal disc, deep lesions to my right side, as well as major shock, which, in itself, wasn't at all a major shock. The medic explained that I needed to take it easy, and I wasn't to train or do any rigorous activities for several weeks, or I would risk permanent damage.
The damage to my shoulder was already permanent, but as long as I took care of it, it would only be a little worse than it had been before. I was wrapped in so many bandages, and I knew I looked completely pathetic, but the only real damage I felt was emotional. Crying out a minor fraction of my pain with the captain had helped me to harden up for a while, so I was currently sitting by myself in the middle of the mess hall, prodding the starchy bread roll upon my tray.
I could feel them all before they reached my table, but I didn't bother trying to move. That would just spur more questions that I didn't want to answer. They sat down; one by one, but nobody spoke a word. Connie sat to my right, and Jean to my left, with Reiner, Sasha and Bertholdt across from me. Both Krista and Ymir were there, too.
A sad, sorry bunch of shit...
"S..so...you got beat up real bad, (Y/N)..." Sasha was the first to speak up, and my fists balled beneath the table. " Did you get caught up in that wave of titans too..?"
They...don't know yet..?
Shaking my head, I swallowed my grief like a bitter pill, jabbing my tongue against the points of my teeth.
"No. I was in the squad protecting Jaeger, remember..?" It was pretty pointless hoping they would have understood by that alone. Eren had supposedly been carted away by the military police, so they wouldn't have gotten the chance to speak to him beforehand, and Levi wasn't one to gossip.
Of course they don't know...
"Oh, wow! You guys faced off with the female titan, didn't you?! We heard about it! Man, even Reiner, Armin and Jean almost got crushed by her! Your squad is so cool!" Connie said in an awestruck shrill, which made something in my mind snap.
"Was." I didn't mean it to come out so viciously, but I could only speak through my teeth, as they wouldn't part. I was getting sick of silences, but another one swept over the table like the coldest winter.
"W..wait...wasn't your boyfriend-"
"Yes." I cut Sasha off before she could finish, curtly pushing my tray towards her and looking up. "He's dead."
"(Y/N)...I'm so sorry..." Krista's soft, angelic voice sounded like she was close to tears, but it made me feel even worse. She had no reason to cry. She hadn't even known them.
"Is there anything we can do for you? I mean...we're all here if you need to talk..." Reiner offered gently, reaching out across the table for my hand, which I snatched away so fast that it sent a painful sting up my back.
"No. I don't ever want to talk about it. Period." I was starting to shake, and the last thing I needed was to suffer another breakdown in front of them. Levi was one thing, but I would never cope with so many people smothering me. I stood up in a rush, again tweaking my injuries, but before I could step away from the table, Jean reached out and grabbed my shirt.
"(Y/N)...that isn't healthy..." He wasn't looking at me, but I could see the concern in his honeyed eyes. I knew where he was coming from. He and I had spoken about Marco that night, back in their shared room, but this was different. I had loved Marco, dearly, but he hadn't been the one person I was about to dedicate the rest of my days to. He hadn't been the man I had dreamed of having children with, and living a peaceful life in the country with. Eld had been a completely different love, but it had been lost all the same.
"Let go of me, Kirstein..." The sharp that ripped through my throat was guttural, and I caught the collective flinch that rushed through the people seated around us. He didn't budge, now having turned to glare deep into my hollow (E/C) eyes.
"Jean..." Reiner spoke again, warning the boy to back off. Begrudgingly, Jean released the material of my shirt, and, ignoring the throbbing ache of my body, I marched right out of the mess hall, towards the one place I hadn't been yet.
For once, I didn't hesitate outside Eld's door, and quickly opened it, barely through the threshold when I froze solid. There was a woman in there, quite a bit older than myself, carefully folding clothes and sniffling quietly. She jumped upon my abrupt entry, and hurried to wipe away thr stray tears on her cheeks.
"O..oh, I'm sorry, dear...I'll be done in a moment..." She gave me a heartwrenching smile, and I swallowed back my grief again.
She's a relative...A mother...
"N..no...take your time, please...I'll...just come back l..later..." I went to retreat out the door.
"Wait..! W..wait...Please forgive me if I'm mistaken...but...you wouldn't happen to be (Y..Y/N), w..would you..?" I didn't dare take a step more, hesitantly turning back around and nodding slowly.
"Y..yeah...That's my name..." I murmured, panic swelling through my system when her tears started up again. The woman raced over to me and took my good hand, wrapping it in her slightly larger, very warm ones.
"I'm..I'm so sorry, sweetheart..! M..my son wrote me letters almost every day about you..! Thank you..! Thank you for making my darling Eldy so happy, before he..!" She sobbed as she pulled me into a kindly embrace, and my heart was barely functioning.
This...is Eld's m..mother..?
"M..Mrs Jinn...I..I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry I couldn't save him..." I whimpered, starting to temporarily kick down the wall I had built over the last few hours. "I...couldn't do a..anything...and it's..." My eyes grew to the size of dinner plates when she pulled back, grabbing my face in her hands and shaking her head frantically.
"D..don't you dare say it was your fault! You and the young captain are not to blame! Y..you hear me, sweetheart?! It was that wretched titan!"
...and Jaeger...
"P..please..." Mrs. Jinn pulled me along carefully towards the bed, where she was gathering Eld's belongings. "...call me Verena...and take whatever you wish from his things, please..! You gave him so much more to live for, (Y/N)...I can't even begin to thank you..."
I had never known a mothers touch, nor a mother's grief. My own had been selfish and hardened, uncaring and cruel, but Eld's was nothing like that. I had remembered him telling me little stories from his childhood, about how he and his mother would often venture out into the rural expanses of Wall Maria, picking flowers and having picnics with his late father and elder sister. I couldn't begin to even imagine her pain, but I knew there was one thing I had to offer her. I peered up at her with a tearstained face, squeezing her hand in mine.
"M..Mrs...I mean...Verena...Would...you like to talk about him with me...?"
.
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***I'm not getting over Eld anytime soon. I got myself more attached by writing all of this shit.***