Author's Note: I missed you. Sorry for any grammatical errors. I'm a bit rusty!
"Just Hold On" - Steve Aoki, Louis Tomlinson
Nikki's POV
I swung back and forth, imagining myself flying amongst the birds. The aroma of freshly bloomed roses planted especially for me on our 7th anniversary calms my heart. Our home in Northern England is by far where I feel the most at home. I'm finally free from my demons.
"Mummy, look!"
The loveliest boy in the whole world excitedly points over at a bunny hopping across the garden. His white fur matching the likes of a certain White Rabbit who was late for a very important date in last night's bedtime story. The spitting image of me in a sweet and curious five year old boy makes my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. He may look like me, but his sweet disposition is from his daddy.
"Let him be, little monkey. He's late for a very important date!" I rubbed my tummy over my sundress.
"Did they kick?! My sissies?!" Little Monkey comes running full speed towards me, palms out ready to feel his already mischievous siblings.
"They're moving about. Be gentle with mummy, okay?" I place his little hands on my tummy. His face lights up at the slight flutters and a major kick that makes me grip the swing. These girls are gonna be footballers.
Harry walks out with his camera at the ready. I smile over at him. He's still a walking daydream in a plain white tee and gray joggers.
"They're kicking, Mr. Photographer. Get over here. They're trying to kill me!"
In a flash he appears next to me with concern written all over his face.
"Don't joke about that, love. I almost lost you last time." He bends down to kiss my tummy. "Be nice, girls. Don't make me come in there!"
Harry's dad voice makes me giggle. I run my hands through his hair. His glossy eyes look up at me in both wonderment and fear.
"I'm not going anywhere, okay? I promise."
"Angel? Are you awake? I hear you mumbling...you better not go anywhere!" I hear a familiar panicky voice speak quietly into my ear. Soft lips kiss my face over and over along with another annoyed voice telling him to give me space. A small giggle bubbles out of me.
"Little monkey?" I mumble, half in dream world transcending back into my reality with a throbbing headache.
"Who are you calling little?" Harry gasps, my eyes opening in time to find a blurry Louis smacking him upside the head.
"She calls you Little Monkey?" Liam breaks out into giggles.
"Harry is a bit monkey-like, but now we know he's a little one!" Niall joins in with the giggle party.
"All of you fuck right off. Nikki, sweetheart, are you with us?" Louis shoves Harry out of the way.
I blink slowly. I felt much like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz when she wakes up to her family after a trippy dream. My hand goes to my flat stomach. I'm not pregnant with twins and my little monkey is missing.
I feel sadness the moment I look over at Lou's sad and tired face. I piece together my reality, grabbing his hand.
"Oh, Louis. I'm so sorry." I croak out. I felt guilty that he was here at my side after crashing the fucking car. He lost his whole world only hours ago.
He squeezes my hand in response. A small smile shows his appreciation. The gesture of him being here, all of them really, shows what stand out guys they all really are.
"And I'm sorry I crashed the car, baby." I sniffle looking over at Harry. He looks like a puppy with his tail between his legs when Louis had shoved him out of the way.
"The Range Rover is fine, my darling. Niall's car is a bit damaged, but—"
My eyes widen at the giggling duo in the corner.
"Niall?! I crashed into you?! Oh my god!!! I'm so sorry! Are you hurt?!" I try to get up, but both Harry and Louis stop me. Good idea, I feel a bit woozy.
"I'm fine! It was actually my fault. I slammed my breaks to avoid hitting a white bunny rabbit." He scratches the back of his neck with a remorseful look on his face.
"He still hit the bloody critter. At least rabbits are lucky." Liam shrugs in deep thought.
"Yeah. Lucky." Louis rolls his eyes. "Sorry about these fools. How are you feeling?"
Harry sneaks his way to my other side in order to hold my other hand. His face turning into more of the likes of Grumpy Cat because Louis is taking away his thunder. I squeeze it gently knowing that once we're alone he'll be an absolute mess.
"My head hurts, but I guess that's to be expected. Thank you." I look down, embarrassed of the situation. It doesn't matter how we got here, I still feel incredibly guilty. I shouldn't be overshadowing the reason we're supposed to be together—to support Louis.
"No operating heavy machinery for awhile, alright?" Louis grins and kisses my forehead. "We'll meet ya at the house then? They said if she wakes and everything is good that she won't have to stay overnight." He glances at Harry with a nod, snapping at Liam and Niall to follow him. They both hug and kiss my cheeks before following a sassy Louis out the door.
Harry practically whimpers once we're alone, climbing into the bed with me to properly hold me to him. I feel his racing heart beating against my cheek. I'm shushing him to calm him down, much like a mother, I feel the need to bite my tongue after such a vivid dream where I actually a mumma.
"I was fucking scared. There was a lot of blood and you weren't waking up..." He shamelessly cries into my hair. "I'm sorry I distracted you with all that marriage talk. It's stupid. Don't marry my stupid ass."
"Harry, shut up. I'm marrying your stupid ass and you know it." I kiss his jaw, scratching at the light stubble with my fingertips. "Should we tell someone I'm awake? And...get more drugs for my head. All the drugssss." I pat his cheek.
"Uh huh. All the aspirin, you mean? I'll be right back." He wipes his tears away, glancing back at me twice on his way out the door.
Well, he's no fun.
+
+
Turns out Harry was right and the Range Rover only suffered a few dents and scuffs on the front. He drove us over to Louis's after I was dispatched a few hours later. I caught sight of my reflection and groaned. I had a big bandage on my head, dark circles under my eyes, and my hair was an absolute mess.
I kind of dreaded showing up at Lou's house like this. I tried covering my bandage with my hair, but then it ended up covering half of my face. I kept fidgeting to the point that Harry held both of my hands down onto my lap. His gentle singing of whatever came on the radio lulled me to sleep.
I woke up in an unfamiliar bedroom. I turned on the bedside table lamp to find my Motrin and a glass of water. Posters of the Doncaster Rovers football team cluttered the wall along with various musicals and right there, smack on the closest door was my 18 year old self staring back at me.
I took two aspirin and examined the poster out of curiosity. It almost seems like a lifetime ago. I was deeply in love with someone else, drunk and high every night, completely lost and out of control. I barely made it out alive, but I'm still here and better than ever.
I gingerly touch my bandage. I suppose that I'm almost better than ever.
I poke my head out into the hall. The house was dark and eerily quiet. I'm not sure what time it is or how long I was asleep. I wander into the living room to find the boys asleep in various positions, all surrounding Louis who is clutching a beer bottle in his slumber. I smile softly at Harry who is cuddled into his side like a sweet baby. The two bicker the most out of the bunch, but they're also the softest towards each other.
I'm a bit out of place and not sure what to do with myself. When there's a death in my family or a close friend's family, I try to find subtle ways to make myself useful. I notice that mundane everyday tasks become abandoned in the devastation and stress of it all. It's important to have your time to grieve. Let someone else do the cleaning and whatever else needs to be done. It's the least I can do.
I start by picking up the beer bottles, including the one in Louis's hand. It would've been smarter if I had located the kitchen first because I roamed around the house twice with my hands full. I then had to do some serious Matrix moves to get to the recycling without dropping everything.
"Shit, shit, shiiit!" I whisper yell to myself. I successfully get everything into the bin, but slip and fallback into someone's arms.
"Is the concussed Nicole Samson really doing house chores right now?" Louis laughs with a shake of his head. He steadies me back on my feet then grabs a liquor bottle from the counter.
"I just wanted to help out and—"
"Of course...um...thanks, but my life's a mess so just leave it, yeah?" He takes a swig of the golden brown liquid as I experience a strange sense of déjà vu.
I nod apologetically. I'm far too familiar with a messy life and I don't know Louis well enough to chastise him in his own kitchen. Everyone has their own way of grieving. Not one for small talk, I start wiping down the stove with my nervous energy.
"You don't remember when we first met...do you?"
I stop my neurotic scrubbing at the sound of his voice. This isn't the first time a conversation has started like this for me.
"In Sydney...last year...when Harry and I started seeing each other." I say casually, trying to calm that inner voice of complete panic. The fear was creeping in; there's a reason he's bringing this up.
My eyebrows raise at the clank of the bottle being placed on the counter.
"I stayed with your Uncle James for awhile before Harry and I got a place of our own in London." His voice was gentle as if he was comforting me even though I felt like a vulnerable lamb. "You came into the house one night. James was working late and Harry and I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie."
"Oh fuck..." I covered my face, mortified. I already knew where he was going with this.
"I thought someone broke in because I heard glass breaking. Harry sleeps through everything, so I covered him with a blanket and went to investigate. I found you drunk and bleeding. Ya dropped a bottle of whiskey and were trying to clean it up." Louis walks to me and moves my hands away from my face. "I'm not trying to embarrass you, love. Just listen."
I nod in the hopes that somehow, SOME WAY, this has an ending tied up in a pretty pink bow.
"I was starstruck. I stood there like a proper arse with my mouth wide open. I remember you squinting at me and saying, 'Fuck, James. When did you lose weight?!'" He laughs at the memory.
I give a small smile. I have no memory of this. I was such a black out drunk and on drugs. My heart sank at the thought of a younger Harry innocently asleep. Maybe he would've thought differently of me if he had seen what I was really like.
"I cleaned up your cuts while you cried, mumbling over and over about your dad and how you missed him. You were so broken and lost. It made me realize that fame doesn't fix everything. Sometimes it makes everything much more painful, doesn't it?"
"I'm so sorry you had to see me like that. I'm trying so hard not to be that girl anymore." I pinched at my arm. Louis held my hands in his.
"It's okay, love. You were coping the only way you knew how, just like I am now. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just always think back to that day when shit gets hard because I'm a bit of a fan and realized how alike we were. This pinching thing you do? I do it, too." He shows me his arms. I shake my head at the bruises with tears in my eyes.
"Oh, Louis..."
Tears filled his own eyes. Most people would've judged me if they had met me the way Louis had, but we were kindred spirits. The broken ones look out for each other.
"I know this may sound weird or whatever, but I need help. You've been doing so well...it's inspiring, sweetheart. I've really been having trouble since last year and--"
I hug him before he can finish. He didn't have to go into the details now. I already knew he was struggling with substance abuse and depression.
"I'm here for you, whatever you need okay?" I whisper, clinging onto Lou while he cried into my hair.
"Mum tried to hold on. She was scared of the path I was going on. I don't want to disappoint her." He sniffled. "I don't want to disappoint my son or my sisters. I'm supposed to set an example!"
"First of all, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. You need to prioritize yourself like your mental health, your physical health. That's ultimately your responsibility and no one else's. It's self respect. Damn, I think therapy actually worked. Look at me giving advice!" I lighten the mood, smiling softly when Louis lets out a soft giggle.
"Yeah, not too shabby." He boops me on the nose. "Boop."
Normally, I would find that condescending, but Louis is allowed to have unlimited boops.
+
+
Days after a tearful funeral and heavy hearts, I stood backstage with the boys where it all first began. Louis wanted to cancel his scheduled appearance, but his mum wanted him to go on and perform. He was doing this for her and the song "Just Hold On" was absolutely gorgeous and fitting. I didn't know her, but I felt her love for him everywhere and in the way others spoke about her.
Harry had been quiet and contemplative over the past few days. He hasn't said it out loud, but I know he has lost someone who was a lot like another mum to him. I showered him with quiet affection when we were alone together. Sometimes being there and holding onto each other was all we needed.
"Sometimes I forget how beautiful you are." Harry croaks out when he sees me. I showed up separately, not wanting to cause an unwanted media frenzy. I had on a basic black pantsuit and tried to part my hair to cover my small head injury.
"Oh, you forgot?" I pretend to be offended.
"Only for a second, promise." He brushes my hair aside to kiss my poorly concealed head wound. "I love you."
It's the first time he's said it in a few days, but I understood.
"I love you, too." I kiss his jaw once. Twice. Three times. He hates when I don't do it three times because then it would be incomplete.
I stood back while the boys conversed and caught up with familiar faces from throughout their career. Louis seemed overwhelmed with love. He deserves the world and despite the circumstances of how we had gotten closer, I'm glad that we have. I can tell that it's the start of a beautiful friendship.
The room suddenly goes silent. I barely noticed since I was playing Peek-a-boo with Louis's son. I was puzzled at the stillness in the room. You would be able to hear a pin drop. Everyone's heads were turned towards the side entrance.
"Hi guys." Zayn stood apprehensively in front of everyone. My heart squeezed in my chest. I knew it took everything for him to face them after all this time.
The sea of people parted as Louis walked forward. The moment the two locked eyes, it was a release of pent up emotions.
"Zayn."
"Louis."
The two embraced with choked up tears. It meant everything that Zayn showed up. The other boys joined in for a group hug. I made sure to take a picture for my own keepsake because perhaps this would be the only real One Direction reunion for years to come.