~All I wanted was to get drunk and find a hook up. If Jared loves it so much it must be fun and easy after all. And I needed it. I was so frustrated waiting for this conversation for two months and it turned out the worst way possible. Of course.~
And that is exactly what I did.
After half a bottle I threw my shorts and top off and got into a tiny little, black lace dress I have bought years ago but never wore it.
It was so pretty and beautiful but on my freckled, pale body it created such a contrast. But my chest looked so firm in the tight V-neck of the dress and I was drunk and angry, so I wanted it. The end had lace on it what barely brushed my knees.
I retouched my make-up while I finished the other half of the bottle then just threw on my white high heels and didn't even care about waiting for uber, I sat into the first taxi I could get which was rather easy thanks to my outfit.
I texted my co-worker, James from the taxi.
"Want to meet up today?"
In a minute he was typing what calmed me a bit because right now I was just sitting in a taxi, aimlessly driving around.
"Great to hear from you. I just finished up work, what about later this evening?"
I frowned looking at the clock for the first time in a long time just to see it is only 5 in the evening.
"I am already in a taxi; I can go to yours let's have a preparty."
I wrote, my knees bouncing up and down feeling nervous about my boldness, but when you are tipsy, and you know that the guy likes you it is easier to take some steps further.
My text was followed by a bunch of smileys and an address.
"You know I was actually just thinking about you today; wondering how I didn't see you at Universal," he shouted out from the bathroom as he got changed.
I was just walking around his apartment looking at the small details on display, trying not to look too drunk. I already got a glass of whiskey what didn't help, though.
"Yeah, I... wasn't feeling well..." I sighed looking at a picture of him holding a guitar. He was an aspiring musician.
"What was wrong?" he asked as he walked out.
He wore black suit pants and a white button-up shirt.
He was skinny, less masculine, but had thick, black shoulder length hair what caught my eyes immediately. His shiny greenish blue eyes looked like they change color from time to time.
"Nothing," I spun around to face him sipping from my whiskey looking at him innocently.
"Already work sickness?" he chuckled "You just started."
I just shrugged stumbling in my own feat as I tried to take another step and he made sure I stayed vertical by grabbing my forearms.
"You drunk already?" he chuckled amazed peeking at my half empty whiskey glass as he helped me sit down onto the couch.
"I might have drank before as well," I whispered pulling him next to me with a light smile.
"Feeling sick, huh?" he smiled caressing my hair at the back of my head.
"You look beautiful today," he said seriously, and I blushed immediately looking down, but he held up my head by my chin gently. "You should keep your head up."
I looked into his eyes with a light smile and just leaned to him to kiss him hungrily.
He leaned back quick by surprise looking at me but then just chuckled and leaned forward again now kissing me slower and, in a bit more "formal" way.
"So... does this mean a yes to a date?" he looked happy but honestly confused. "What about that guy you had to sort things out with?"
"It's dealt with," I cut him off and kissed him once again.
I was not lady like at all; I was pushy and needy and just a tiny bit desperate.
I was ready to enjoy this night to the fullest and thanks to my boldness he threw away the formalities too as he let free way to his hands while started kissing me more passionate.
It didn't take long to be laying on the couch, James on top of me when he started kissing that sweet spot on my neck.
That spot Jared so passionately played with.
Having Jared on my mind for this split second was like a sober call.
I saw his face in front of me, his eyes piercing through mine, I felt his touches. I heard his voice in my ear and I just realized whoever is on top of me now getting the green light, is not the one my body is aching for.
Suddenly even the perfume was foreign and just by thinking of sleeping with someone I don't even know made me shiver.
I tried to convince myself that Jared does this almost on a daily, there must be something good about it.
But I couldn't.
And maybe that's why we are not meant to be with each other. I need the relationship to get intimate, whilst he despises it.
I gulped as I looked up to the ceiling and suddenly hot tears ran through my cheeks down by my ears, into my neck, where James must have felt them because all of a sudden, he stopped looking down at me.
"Avery, you alright? What's wrong?" panic settled onto his face as he pulled more away.
"N... nothing, I'm sorry... I am so sorry James I just..."
"I guess that clearing things up with the guy didn't work out that well, did it?" he asked bitterly as he sat up.
"I'm so sorry, James, it's just... I just wanna get over him, I want to be free from him..." I cried burying my face into my hands.
He grabbed my arms and pulled me up to sit and poured me another whiskey.
"There you go," he pushed it into my hand. "And now give me the address of that jerk so I can go and beat him to the ground," he stated half joking half serious as I just drank up desperately.
Looking down just now realizing the fact that even my current job is only thanks to Jared. It wasn't me at all.
"I just want to go back to Scotland," I mumbled, tears still falling from my eyes, into my lap.
"Just rest for now," he offered, hugging me from the side.
"No," I shook my head. "No, I still wanna go out, let's go out!" I asked looking at him as I tried to wipe away my tears.
"But then no more crying," he smiled sadly, caressing my face.
I nodded, taking a deep breath.
I was a wreck.
And I felt so ashamed like never ever before.
It was only nine in the evening when my drunkenness took the best of me. James was desperate to catch up, maybe because then he can handle me better. In one minute, I was having fun and in the other I would cry.
I was sitting outside the bar on the pavement, with my back against the wall. Legs crossed I was smoking with James when I got a message from Shannon.
"Where are you? I am at your place, wanted to come say hi."
I frowned and tried to type.
"Black Rose barr gethtin hammerd."
My typing was horrible already and had to close one of my eyes to not see double.
"Don't move!" he sent, and I smiled to James.
"Shannon is coming to join us," my smile was genuine but pairing it up with my look of cried down mascara and eyeliner it was rather trashy.
"Sure," he chuckled lighting up another cigarette.
After some time; twenty minutes or so, a big black car stopped on the street right in front of us and the passenger side's door swung open.
"Avery, come on in right now," I heard Shannon's voice, though I didn't see his face.
I stood up to my wobbly feet and grabbed my high heels what were laid down next to me and looked down at James.
"See you tomorrow at work," I grinned, and he laughed.
"We will see about that," he winked, and I threw myself into the car shutting the door behind me and blew out my air as I tried to caress my locks back into place from my face.
For like five minutes the car was silent just the quiet sound of the radio was heard as Shannon drove through the mostly empty streets of the outskirts of LA.
"It's great to see you," I smiled at him and he forced a smile back at me.
"What the hell were you up to out there?" he asked bit outraged.
"Partying," I shrugged, "meeting new people, finding some friends, you know building up my life.
"I don't want to sound like a dad, Avery, but it doesn't look like this is the way to build up your life," he scolded as he sent me a side look of pity.
"Yeah well, I am so sorry you rich and famous rockstar, some people have it different," I spat.
My arguing skills were definitely low and did not make much sense.
Shannon just nodded, eyes glued to the road and did not comment more.
When we arrived at my apartment, I opened the door and stumbled through it, throwing my high heels down in the middle of the hallway and made my way to the kitchen to grab some more drink from the fridge.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Shannon walked after me. "Don't you have work tomorrow?
"Don't you have somewhere to be? You said hi, you can go."
I opened the wine while kept looking at him annoyed and took a long sip.
"This is where I have to be," he said crossing his arms on his chest looking at me in disapproval. "Jay called me to check on you, since you were distraught when you left, he said."
I laughed out then shook my head in disbelief.
"Yeah, sure. Well I am fine," I opened my arms. "But I feel honored that he sent you to stalk on me," stated ironically.
"He was on the move already to a talk show shooting, and out of the blue he cancelled two interviews for the weekend; he is going to be off to climb," he said as he walked to me and took the wine out of my hands.
"Good for him, tell this to Olivia and now give that back to me," I hissed trying to grab it away.
"No, Avery, you had enough. Tell me what's wrong instead."
His voice was firm; made me stop trying then looked up to him.
"Like you don't know," I huffed glancing at him then walked past the kitchen counter and set onto the couch in the living area.
"Tell me, please. Let me help. I have never seen you like this. You are the statue of calmness, the ambassador of smiles, the mother of all of us, basically," he smiled and instead of sitting next to me he sat down in front of me to the small wooden coffee table, our knees touched.
I looked at him and just thinking about today's conversation with Jared tears stung my eyes again.
"I... this co-worker of mine got me upset today," I said slowly.
"How come?" he asked gently.
"He... he once told me he wants me... that he likes me or something... and I was just fine before that but then... things happened and I got caught up. I am a passionate person Shannon, you know," I said desperately. "And it's not like I get to... like someone that easy... and now he... he doesn't want me anymore or... he might like me because I do everything for him but... he might just..." I swallowed back my tears and started to whisper ashamed, "He might doesn't want to be seen with me in public... I'm... I'm not that pretty like all the others he likes and... I honestly don't even know what I was waiting, he... is so handsome and so confident unlike me," I shrugged looking away as those stray tears ran down my cheeks. "It would never work out anyway. We are living in two different worlds."
Shannon grabbed my hands and squeezed them hard making me look at him.
He seemed angry.
"Avery don't EVER think about this again. That you are not as pretty or not good enough for a person. I am hundred percent sure that guy has tremendous amounts of flaws, and I am sure you know it as well. And he probably knows it too. And it's only you thinking bullshit things like he must not want to seen with you in public, Avery, please..." he shook his head.
He spoke so clearly and firm probably because I seemed so drunk but he wanted to get these things into my mind.
I didn't say anything just looked away broken.
"And just don't give up yet," he started softly. "Your co-worker is now going to be off for a huge climb in the great outdoors this weekend to gather his shit finally," he smiled knowingly, and I looked at him like a deer caught in headlights.
I wanted to say something, but nothing came to my mind.
Shannon just sat next to me and pulled me into a protective hug resting his chin on my head.
"Your heart is so kind, makes me sad to see it getting hurt. When you finally would be able to find your path, he comes and fucks it all up; it makes me wanna tear him apart."
I couldn't say anything to that. I just blinked tiredly hugging Shannon weakly, his arms calming me down.
In the last five years I didn't have a relationship lasting longer than four months. They all got jealous of the guys, or me travelling around with them. I was so busy, I didn't really care but in the last year or so I have been so lonely. With Jared, I had every minute of mine scheduled; I didn't have to deal with it that much. But being home alone after work is the worst ever.
"I'm sorry Shannon for being a pain in the ass," I mumbled leaning my head onto his shoulder.
"It's all good. Most people go through this. You just didn't have time for yourself until now," he smiled pulling away. "Wanna go to bed?"
"Yeah," I sighed rubbing my face.
"First go wash up," he chuckled. "Your face is a mess."
"Yeah, I'll take a shower first," I said standing up. "Sorry for... being a jerk..."
"Stop apologizing," he said rolling his eyes. "I'M sorry about my fucking idiot brother," he sighed shaking his head and I looked away blushed.
I knew that Shannon knew but I liked it more when he acted like it is just my co-worker we are talking about.
Shannon left and I went to take a shower and once in bed I fell asleep in a minute.
The next morning, I woke up to my alarm and although James sent me a message that no way, he is going in to work today, I did get up and go.
I felt terrible but the last thing I wanted was to sit home all alone for the whole day. It's Friday anyway; I am going to have the whole weekend for that.