When did I start denying my own feelings?
January 01, 2019
After waking up to that kind of news, I didn't know what to do. I didn't see how they reacted or if they even moved from their beds. I just stared at my phone, contemplating if I should read the whole article.
For almost I didn't know how long, I stared at nothing. My heart was still aching. And I was clueless on the reason why.
Maybe it's aching for Jennie? For what I heard last night? For the band's reputation? In fear of disbandment?
No. No, Lisa. The last two reasons were selfish and not true at all.
How dare you think that way when your friend is probably scared out of her wits right now?
With a heavy heart, I decided to read the article. They provided images and proofs about the secret dates and the gifts from each other. With every proof and picture, my heart got heavier and heavier.
How was Jennie coping with this? How did she manage to hide this to us for this long?
I realized that we really can't know everything about a single person, no matter how hard you try. We try to dig deeper and deeper, pouring everything we have on the process but we only manage to scrape the surface of one's self and life.
The secrets of one single person is infinite, swirling inside their souls, wrapping themselves in one's DNA, which made it harder to know and find out
I tried to be as open as I am to them but I guess they can't do the same. I smiled bitterly.
A family shouldn't keep secrets, huh?
However, I also realized that Dispatch is such a shitty company. Invading personal matters, publishing every dirt and grime they see on an idol and call falling inlove a scandal.
Falling inlove?
My heart dropped at the thought. Jennie is fucking inlove and her, probably first relationship was announced to the whole world a few hours ago.
Oh gods, no. No time for blaming Jennie.
I woke from my daydream and dashed outside. I didn't care if I didn't wash my face or brushed my teeth.
I saw Jisoo and Chaeyoung infront of the television, just staring at the black and dead screen.
"Hey..."
"Hey." They both said in unison. I sat on the single couch adjacent to them and stared at the television too.
"Where's Jennie?" I asked the two who probably looked as disheveled as me.
"Probably called by YG." Chaeng averted her gaze to her hands but I noticed that there were tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
Jisoo released a deep breath before turning to us, "I'm guessing we all read the same news?"
We nodded forlornly, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we did."
"Did any of you know- like... about this?" Chaeng whispered.
I shook my head then turned towards Jennie's bedroom door. "No. Did you?"
They both shook their heads, "No. But I thought something was up since she disappeared most of the time."
Jisoo rested her head on the couch then closed her eyes. "I noticed that too but I thought it was for her Solo promotion or something."
We heard the front door open and saw Jennie emerge from it. Her sad eyes turned confused for a moment before eyeing us with a look of amazement.
"Was it really me who was involved in a dating scandal just now," she quoted the word scandal before smirking, "or was it you, guys? You all look horrible."
We all stood up and ran towards her. We bombarded her with questions but she ducked away from us and playfully covered her nose. Her gummy smile was showing.
"I know you're eager for me to spill the tea but please, oh dear heavens, clean yourselves up first. You all look like crap and smells like it too."
We all nodded before going to our own rooms and Jennie went to hers.
I quickly took a bath, probably the fastest one I ever had and brushed my teeth too rapidly that my gums bled.
I moved quickly, not because I want to hear the details but I saw right through her façade. I went out of my room and peeked inside the living room and kitchen but no one was there.
Maybe they're not done yet so I decided to went straight to Jennie's door. I stood outside, contemplating if I should knock now or wait for the others but I immediately twisted the knob open when I heard silent whimpers inside.
The first thing I noticed was the darkness. The lights were off and the thick drapes covered the window that no light was able to enter.
"Jennie..." I saw her silhouette when my eyes adjusted to the darkness. She was on the corner of her bed, head on her knees and her body was shaking slightly.
I went near her and rubbed her back, comforting her. "I'm here, Nini. Shh."
She suddenly hugged me, her warm body enveloping my cold one then she cried harder. Her hug was too tight but I didn't mind. I will never.
"Lisa, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean t-to..." her voice cracked and hitched here and there but she kept apologizing, and didn't stop for her to breathe. Her breathing was short and very ragged, like mine when I'm having my attacks.
"Shh.. it's okay. I understand."
"I never meant... I shouldn't have... I'm sorry. I screwed up."
My heart felt like lead and my tears were also threatening to fall. Seeing her in this state breaks my heart and crushes my soul.
Gone was the confident Jennie and the intimidating Jennie. What was left was a broken exterior and a very very fragile girl inside.
"Jennie, listen to me okay?" I cupped her face and wiped the tears away. But no matter how many times I tried, fresh ones still fell from her eyes. "It's not your fault that you f-fell inlove."
Jennie's inlove. Dating. Officially.
I mentally slapped myself and bit the sides of my cheek to stop these thoughts from entering my head. Eventually, I tasted blood but thankfully, the thoughts stopped. I released a breath of relief.
She shook her head, "No, Lisa. Listen. I-" she choked and cried harder. I didn't stop comforting her, telling her that it's gonna be okay, that the three of us will stay by her and that she shouldn't worry.
A little while later, Jisoo and Chaeyoung entered. When they saw the state Jennie was in, the two started crying.
We tried our best to stop her from apologizing and comforted her until she calmed down.
Her body was leaning on me and I was repeatedly combing her hair with my hands. Her body relaxed and her breathing became shallow.
Now that I saw her up close, I noticed that the bags under her eyes were bigger and darker, meaning she didn't get enough sleep for days or even weeks prior to this issue.
She probably knew about this beforehand, YG probably scolded or warned her. Maybe that explains her weird behavior last night and the day before.
I gently laid her down and she sighed. The crease on her forehead finally evened out. There were stains of her tears on her face yet, she still looked gorgeous.
I figured why my heart was aching and it's indeed because of Jennie. Seeing her hurt, being close to her hurt, knowing someone owns her heart hurt.
It even hurt breathing the same air as hers.
But it doesn't matter, I will always be here to protect you and support the things you love and makes you happy.
You're a family to me. We're sisters and I will never ever let them hurt you again.
I wiped her cheek again for a lone tear escaped. I sighed. We're family but why does these words kept echoing in my head and crushing my heart repeatedly?
Jennie's inlove. Dating. Officially. Family. She's family.
--
I sighed then opened my eyes. The whole dating issue was my eye opener but I refused to believe that I was hurt because of it and denied my feelings even further.
Instead of moving forward, I was bound to the past, chained by my denials.
Instead of helping myself move on from the moment I realized I like her, I stopped myself from believing and doing something about it before it's too late.
And now, am I too late to stop this?