Okay, I'll admit I was a little FREAKED OUT! THERE WERE THREE MEN IN THE COMPUTER LAB!! At first I thought they were janitors. But soon it became quite obvious they weren't.
"This is it, boys! Our biggest heist yet," said a short, dumpy guy in a cheap green suit. He had ugly sideburns and a lopsided toupee that looked like a very large and dirty groundhog had crawled on top of his head and DIED. "Time to graduate from amateur pickpockets to professional burglars."
"Now, THAT'S what I'm talking about, Ralph!" exclaimed a tall, skinny guy with a bandanna tied around his head. "I'm gonna buy a camera and a ton of new video games with my cut of the cash! Then I'm gonna quit my job flippin' burgers and post videos of me playing games on YouTube. I'll be a millionaire in no time!"
"Tucker, how are you gonna make money from that?!" Ralph glared. "I know! Just ask complete strangers to send you twenty dollars in the mail and then sit back and watch the money pour in!"
Tucker scratched his head. "Um, actually, I hadn't figured it out yet. But your idea is genius! If I asked one million people to send me twenty dollars, I'd have, like, um . . . twenty million dollars, right?"
"WRONG!!" Ralph growled. "Because nobody would be STUPID enough to send an IDIOT like you money just 'cause you asked for it!"
"Speaking of stupid idea, can somebody tell me why we're at a SCHOOL?" asked a big muscular guy with spiked black hair, wearing a jean jacket. "What are we stealing, math books? You both know I failed math, right? I'm not that good with numbers! My favorite subject was lunch. I always got straight As in lunch. Actually, I'm really hungry right now. I could eat a horse!"
Were these guys serious? They seemed like characters from a Saturday-morning cartoon.
"Moose, you're ALWAYS whining about being hungry!" Tucker said. You're just a two-hundred-pound baby, dude!"
"Tucker, don't start with me . . . !" Moose shot back.
"Both of you, shut your TRAPS!" growled Ralph.
"Well, I think we should've robbed that Queasy Cheesy pizza place we passed on the way over here," Moose said. "If we'd used the drive-through window, we would've gotten the money in sixty seconds! And if they make you wait longer than that, you get a FREE cheese pizza! I saw the commercial on TV!"
"I saw that commercial too!" Tucker exclaimed. "And if you buy ten-piece buffalo wings, you get an order of extra-spicy wings for FREE! Man, I LOVE extra-spicy wings!"
"Quit yapping about food and FOCUS!!" Ralph yelled angrily as his toupee flopped around on his head like it was trying to escape. "IF I WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH TWO CLOWNS, I WOULD HAVE GONE TO THE CIRCUS!!"
"Sorry, boss!" Moose and Tucker said glumly.
"Listen up! I'm going to explain this one LAST time," Ralph said through gritted teeth. "This school has thirty-six brand-new computers, each worth a small fortune! And there's no security. Do you know what that means?!"
"Are you kidding?!" Tucker said excitedly. "That means I can update my Facebook page from here! You should see the latest pictures I took of my cat, Mr. Fuzzybottoms! Yesterday was his birthday!"
"Forget your stupid CAT!" Moose grumbled. "Let's just get this job over with. I get cranky when I'm hungry! I just wish I'd brought a snack. I'm STARVING, guys!"
"Well, STARVE on your OWN time!" Ralph snarled. "You're on MY clock now. Start moving these computers into the hall!"
WHOA!! These guys were actually planning to STEAL all of the school's new COMPUTERS!! . . .
"All this talk about CANDY and CAKE is just making me even HUNGRIER!" Moose whined.
"Actually, I'm starting to get hungry too," Tucker admitted.
"So how about we call Queasy Cheesy? I've got a coupon in my pocket for thirty percent off a dozen cheesy breadsticks," Moose said.
"Dude! I'm in!" Tucker exclaimed. "Hey, Ralph! You want some cheesy breadsticks?"
"SURE! Let's just give away our location! And if we're lucky, we'll get ARRESTED and the pizza delivery guy will be able to ID our FACES as the perpetrators in the police lineup! All because you two BONEHEADS decided you wanted cheesy breadsticks!!" Ralph shouted sarcastically. "But the good news is, after we get a ten-year sentence, THEY'LL SERVE YOU PIZZA IN PRISON!!!"
Tucker blinked in disbelief. "Wait a minute! Pizza?! In . . . PRISON?!!"
I was like, DUH! You go to PRISON for burglary!
"What is it, Einstein?!" Ralph taunted. "Having second thoughts?"
"I'm just thinking. If there's pizza in prison, I could order Mighty Meat Monster. Or maybe sausage with pepperoni and green peppers. Last week I had ham with pineapple and mushrooms. That was delish!"
"And prison food is free, right? Can you imagine hot, cheesy FREE pizza?!" Moose drooled.
Ralph shook his head in complete disgust. Then he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.
"Both of you . . . just stop talking, okay? STOP! TALKING!" he growled as his face turned beet red. "THE NEXT PERSON WHO OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH IS GONNA GET SOMETHING TO EAT! A KNUCKLE SANDWICH! GOT THAT?!!"
Moose and Tucker frantically nodded, their mouths shut so tightly, it looked like they'd been sucking on tubes of superglue. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Then suddenly . . .
BEEP-BEEP!
BEEP-BEEP!
BEEP-BEEP! . . .
The three men froze as their eyes darted nervously around the room—they clearly were afraid they'd somehow set off a burglar alarm.
Actually, the burglar alarm sounded really familiar. And, weirder yet, it seemed to be coming from very close by.
I looked down at my wrist and gulped.
OH, CRUD!!
I couldn't believe this was actually happening to me. That's when I very awkwardly muttered . . .
I'd been spotted by the burglars!! My cover was blown!
Let's just say they were NOT happy to see me.
I didn't move a muscle as my heart pounded in my ears like the bass in my favorite rap song. I was SO scared, I almost pooped my pants right there inside that vent! FOR REAL!
The three men slowly approached, staring up at me like I was a caged monkey at the Westchester Zoo or something!
"Yeah, Moose, you're right!" Tucker whispered gruffly. "There IS a kid up there!"
"I don't know WHO he is or WHAT he's doing. But, guys, I know ONE thing for sure . . . !" Ralph snarled menacingly.
"What's that, boss?" Tucker and Moose asked.
"When I get my hands on that kid . . .
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