I like Jennie Ruby Jane Kim. Or liked. Or I don't know.
I never wanted to think about it anymore that's why I kept on denying and denying. The thought that the more I would lie to myself, the more it would become believable and make myself forget about my feelings.
The continuous denial and lying was to make myself be convinced that whatever I feel or felt was only a fleeting feeling and didn't develop into something frightening... something more uncontrollable.
Chaeyoung knows it, too. But I didn't give her my confirmation. I remember when we were in her room, when she told me she knew everything. And gods, I didn't believe her until I heard her say it.
~~
She didn't speak nor move from where she were. She just stood there, looking at me.
My heart grew heavier by the second. With one final deep breath, I asked her, "Just how much have you noticed?"
She offered me a soft smile and the glint on her eyes were gone, replaced with the gentle twinkle and sympathy. The innocent and caring Chaeyoung was back but my heart squeezed at this sight. This bothered me. And it bothered me a lot.
"Everything."
I made sure to keep my gaze unfaltering before steadying my voice. "And how'd you know?"
"I have my eyes, Lisa. They're clear. 20/20 in vision, or that's what I believe my eyesight would be. And I have my brain, too. Connect this with that and voila. Answers. Only a fool wouldn't notice the things going on around this dorm."
My heart drummed against my chest, scared of what would happen next or what she would say next. "You have no proof, Chae."
Her eyebrows raised, the echo of her mocking laugh resonated deep within me.
"Of what? For what, exactly? Entertain me and tell me what you're thinking, Lisa."
I scowled, getting mad at her way of conversing with me. "Don't play dumb with me. We both know what you're implying."
She shook her head and gave me a smile, "I'm not the one playing dumb here, and you know that."
"Rosie! Stop, okay?"
There were a lot of emotions going through me that I didn't notice my breathing was getting heavy. I gripped my hair and pulled its roots. I'm tired. I don't want this conversation to continue.
"Hey, Lisa! Lisa. Breathe. Calm down." Her voice was full of panic, her eyes alert.
I'm hyperventilating. Oh gods. Not again. Please, no. I shake my head at her, panic striked me that it made my breathing heavier.
She slapped me just to get my focus and attention and when she did, she instructed me how to even my breathing again.
"Slowly breathe, Lisa. Inhale then exhale. Okay. Just close your eyes and follow my breathing."
When I was able to relax, I heard Chaeyoung release a deep breath. I felt so weak so I leaned on the wall beside me.
"I'm sorry." I said meekly at her. I was also embarassed by the fact that I was the one who attacked her but she ended up helping me.
"No. I'm sorry but we need to talk this out, okay? Are you okay now?"
I touched my chest to feel the beats returning to normal. I nodded and she sat down beside.
"Do you want some water, Lisa?"
"No. I'm fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go off like that."
"It's okay, Lisa. I triggered your attacks twice now, don't you want to consult a doctor about it?"
I shook my head, "I'm fine, Chaeng. It's not that bad anymore but please don't tell anyone about this. You're the only one who knows. Yeah?"
"I won't but," she sighed. "Lisa, take your time to figure out your feelings, okay? I'll try not to probe anything anymore if it makes you uncomfortable but please, help yourself."
"I don't know where to start, Chaeng. I'm lost."
"I know, it's because this is new to you. You're on unfamiliar territory and I'm here to help you sort it out. Would you let me help you?"
I wanted to shake my head because asking for her help was like confirming whatever she's thinking but she's my bestfriend and I trust her.
"Yes." I mumbled.
"I think this is the root of everything, Lisa. So listen to me and decide for yourself if you want to do it, okay?"
I nodded. "Sort your feelings out for Jennie."
I was about to protest but she shushed me, "I know. This sounds absurd but I've seen how you act towards her, how vocal you are when asked about her, and how you get shy and awkward when she's around. If it's just a crush, or if you like her, or heck, if you already love her, you should know about it."
I kept my mum. "Lisa, if you know where you stand then it'll be easier for you to know when to move forward or if you're moving backwards. You need to realize it, okay?"
I gulped, feeling the tension coming back. This was all too much. I can't handle this. "I need to go out, Rosie. I need to breathe."
I felt her hand rub my back, comforting me. "You'll be okay, Lisa. Breathe. No pressure, okay? I'll stop. Go."
I quickly stood up and stopped for a moment because I suddenly became dizzy. Gladly, Chaeng was there to support me. "I'm fine."
"Are you really?"
"I will be."
"I'm here, okay?"
When I was at the door, I glanced back at her and smiled. "Thank you, Chaeng."
"No problem."
I was about to close the door when she called me again, "Lisa?"
"Hm?"
"Nobody will know about this. I got you."
I smiled at the déjà vu. "I owe you one, Rosie."
~~
"What are you still doing there, Lili?"
"What?"
"You've been gone for like 30 minutes now since manager dropped us off."
"I did? Woah."
Her gaze became calculating, "Were you here all along? Where's unnie?"
I scratched my head. I didn't know I was spacing out for 30 minutes outside our dorm. "She left already. I spaced out for a moment. Let's go inside."
When we got inside, we decided to join the two who were eating the take outs. "What did she tell you, Li?"
I pulled the chair beside Chaeyoung and Jennie sat beside Jisoo which was the seat across from me. "Who?" Chaeng asked.
"Manager-unnie told me that she has something to say to Lisa. Her face was serious so I thought maybe Lili was in trouble."
"Oh? Unnie's face became serious? That's not good, Lisa." Jisoo said as she was munching on her chicken. Jennie clicked her tongue and offered her a tissue.
"You're a messy eater, unnie. Speak when you've swallowed your food."
Jisoo playfully saluted at her which earned a giggle from Jennie.
I averted my gaze and focused on the carton of chicken near Chae.
"So, what did she say to you?"
"Nothing."
"That doesn't look nothing to me. Go on. Tell us."
Manager-unnie's words resonated inside my mind. The scene kept on repeating over and over again that I momentarily closed my eyes to remove it.
She knows. Chaeyoung knows. Is there someone who knows about it as well?
Was I too obvious? Did my body language screamed the truth? Did my eyes gave me away? How can they all know?
I pinched the bridge of my nose when I felt the throbbing of my head.
I heard them call me and when I opened my eyes, I saw them looking at me.
I felt Chaeyoung's hand intertwined with mine beneath the table and she gave it a soft squeeze. "Are you okay?
"Was it that too serious?"
"Are you in trouble?"
They asked at the same time. Keep a façade on, Lisa. Go on. You wouldn't want them to notice too, right?
I smiled then let go of Chaeyoung's hand to put it above the table. I intertwined my own fingers to stop myself from fidgeting.
"It was nothing, to be honest. She just told me that I shouldn't frequent shops like those anymore."
No one would notice you're lying. I kept repeating this inside my head. No one should notice. Please.
I looked at Jennie then at Chaeyoung and almost gulped when their eyes were seizing me up. As if asking themselves if I was saying the truth. However, Jennie's eyes lit up then became sad again.
"So, we need to formulate a plan on how to convince CEO Yang about that."
Jisoo stopped eating then wiped her mouth with a napkin, "Convince the rat with what?"
And so, Jennie told them her plan in which they all agreed.
"You took your time planning, unnie." Chaeyoung regarded Jennie with a smirk.
However, Jennie was oblivious to this that she smiled at her, "Of course, I did. I owe Lili a lot and this is nothing compared to what she did for me."
My heart thumped and Chaeyoung gave me a side glance. "Right. That's nice, showing some love to our maknae. Lisa, you surely loved this idea?"
Noting the sarcasm on her voice, I coughed before pinching her sides. She silently yelped and I glared at her.
Where was this going, Chaeyoung? What are you planning to do?
"Isn't Jenduekie the sweetest?" Jisoo bopped Jennie's nose with her sauce covered finger that she slapped her hand away.
"That's gross, unnie!" Jennie's nose scrunched up in disgust as she wiped the sauce off of it.
Jisoo pouted. "But you still love me, right?"
I tried to remove my gaze away from them but I was too late when I saw her blush. Jennie's blushing because of Jisoo. Wow.
I faked a laugh then stood up. "Hey, since we bought the food, you two should be the one to clean the plates. Okay? Later, servants!"
I heard Jisoo groan while Jennie's laugh echoed inside the kitchen. I felt Chaeyoung's gaze on my back but I kept walking towards my room. I locked the door and plopped on my bed.
Once my body hit the soft matress, I released a breath of relief.
Now that I have accepted my feelings for Jennie, until when can I endure the needles on my chest?
Until when will I pretend to be blind to their sweetness? Until when will I pretend that it doesn't hurt?
Until when will I hide?
Lisa Manoban, just be strong. Okay?