Chapter 28: Reality Ruined My Life
*Haley's P.O.V.*
Niall and I were laying on our bed, my body wrapped in his adoringly protective arms. The only thought running through my mind was I don't deserve him. Yet, I knew I would never let him go if it was up to me. No girl in their right mind would. Hell, no guy in their right mind would give up Niall Horan. He kissed my nose, breaking the tranquil, still silence we had previously been laying in. I crunched up my face automatically making him smile down at me. My heart warmed, adoring the feeling of being adored, but there was a sour twist as almost an after taste. I looked away, still ashamed. I sure hope it doesn't stay like this forever, I thought desperately, hating the guilt that shadowed me everywhere I went. I felt a finger on my chin guide my face to turn back around, forcing me to stare into the grey, misty blue depths of Niall's gaze. "Babe, what can I do to make you feel better?" he asked, putting on the most adorable, persuasive pout I'd ever seen. I smiled a bit at his sincerity, but I could only think of a few things that would cheer me up.
"You could either rewind to before Louis and I kissed, rewind to before I... resorted back to my old ways," I suggested, averting his gaze. Even if it was a supportive look, I still just couldn't look him in the eye while letting him down. Thinking about it, that's all I really was; a letdown. I stared down at my hands, playing with my nails as more thoughts of self-loathing seeped into my mind.
"Halez?" Niall called softly, bringing me out of the dark waters of my hatred for myself and onto the shores of reality with his sweet accent. I looked up at him, ridding my face of all emotion. "Is there anything possible that I can do to cheer you up?" he specified, grinning slightly. I smiled back, my stare falling back to my pale pink fingers.
"You could get Julia to not hate me... And you could somehow stop me from hating myself..." I trailed off, mumbling that last part. It was probably going to take quite a while before I was even fine with myself again. Suddenly, I was under Niall, his sweet lips pressed to mine. I was shocked at first, but then I began to kiss back. I mean, it's not like I was going to reject his kiss. I cherished every single one. He unfortunately retracted his mouth from mine, though it was probably for the best in that certain situation that thing hadn't gotten too heated. He stared down at me with watery blue eyes, just making the remorse that much worse.
"Don't say that," he pleaded, "ever again. Ever. You can't hate yourself; you're too damn perfect. And Julia doesn't hate you either, you're best friends! She's quite mad at you probably, yes, but she doesn't hate you," he said, stroking my cheek gently. My heart warmed, and I wanted to believe him so badly, but I just couldn't bring myself to. I hated myself, despised myself even, and it was going to take more than a simple sentence to turn that around. I appreciated his efforts, don't get me wrong, but I was stuck in the state of mind that I was a horrible person. In that moment, I was my own worst enemy. I had managed to make my best friend hate me, my other best friend feel awkward around me, and the love of my life cry. You can't really expect me to be pleased with myself.
"Even if she doesn't hate me, I still hate me," I mumbled, averting his gaze. I was aware that that statement might have hurt him, but I was just being honest.
"Do you know how much it hurts me to hear you say that?" he replied. The amount of pain in his voice made me look up. It was like a punch in the stomach, seeing the cute little frown on his face and the water on the surface of his eyes. "It makes me feel like I've failed," he admitted. I sighed, staring sorrowfully up into his baby blues. My right hand caressed his cheek, my left resting on his hip. I brought my lips to his, kissing him passionately for a short moment before pulling back. The last thing I wanted was for him to think all this was his fault.
"You know none of this was your doing," I whispered, truth pouring out of my words. His rosy lips parted as he began to reply, but there was a knock on the door before he got the chance to say anything. "Come in!" I called as Niall rolled himself off of me. The pale door swung open, revealing a concerned looking Harry.
"Halez, can I talk to you for a second?" he requested, his darting green eyes suggesting he was asking for Niall's permission more than my own. Niall pressed a quick peck to my cheek before leaving the room as Harry entered, neither of them even waiting for me to say anything. Oh, okay, I thought to myself indignantly. Usually I would've commented, but Harry seemed pretty concerned. He sat down on the messy bed, the sheets awry, and crossed his legs. I mimicked his position facing him.
"So guess what?" he started, a smile playing at his bright pink lips. There was a light shining in his emerald eyes, so I assumed his news was good.
"What?" I asked eagerly, my eyebrows raising. I smiled encouragingly at him, partly just because I was happy to be in his presence; I hadn't spent half as much time with him as I should have the past few months I had been living with him. After all, he was the reason I had a place to go. Realizing how much of an ungrateful bitch I was made the revulsion for myself increase, but I continued smiling at him nonetheless, bringing my mind back to where my body was. I was honestly intrigued, waiting intently as he grinned, allowing a moment of suspenseful silence as he searched for the right words. His smile was completely smug, almost smitten. The slight pink of his cheeks hinted that what he was about to say might be love related.
"Well, Megan and I cleared things up," he announced, making me smile as he proved my suspicions to be true. "Well, kind of..." he trailed off, his childish smile fading a bit. I kept the grin on my face.
"Well that's good!" I beamed, trying to stay positive. "So what did you decide?" I asked, keeping the conversation going. It had been much too long since Harry and I had a real, deep conversation. Sure we bantered a lot, but we never spent much quality time together.
"We decided we're going to take it slow," he answered, a smile creeping its way onto his face. I let out an "aww", finding it adorable how obviously he cared for Megan. Meggy had never actually been in a real relationship before, so that was also quite exciting. Not to mention that this would most likely end Harry's hook up rampage, which I was more than thrilled about. "Honestly, I think that's the best way to go," he continued, "I mean, we're both still pretty shaken..." He didn't even need to explain what they were upset over; it was quite clear he was referring to Dani. He lifted his pale chartreuse eyes, meeting my gaze with a new sense of remorse. "I miss her," he whispered. I kneeled forward and hug tackled him so that I was in his arms, my face buried in his neck. He wrapped his arms around my torso, holding me protectively. It reminded me of when we were little and Billy would tell scary stories in the dark, how Harry and I would hold each other in fear. Except this time we weren't scared of what could happen, we were afraid of what did happen. Thinking about it, Dani was always smiling. The only signs of her wanting to end it were the faint white lines on her left wrist and on her thighs, which were only visible in the summer and while changing before gym. It just proved that anyone of us could be suffering without any of the rest of us noticing. And that scared me.
Tears began welling in my eyes as the body below me began shaking ever so slightly. I hated it when Hazz cried, absolutely hated it. He was my rock, so when he broke it was almost like the floor fell out from beneath my feet. I lifted my face, the young man in front of me looking like a vulnerable little child. I wiped a tear from his cheek as one rolled down my own cheek. He sniffled, looking me in the eye. "I don't want to lose you, Halez," he uttered, catching me off guard.
"What would make you think you're losing me?" I asked, cocking my head to the side as my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Sure, I was quite upset with myself, and I felt like I deserved to be wounded, but Harry didn't know that... did he? Was it obvious?
"I was talking t-to Lou after I talked with M-Megan," he began shakily, my heart sinking and cheeks flaming at the mention of Louis' name. If Harry noticed, I guess he decided not to say anything. "I asked him what happened, how it happened," he continued, retaining his composure as he went on, "and he said he was comforting you. He explained how you were both aiming for each others' cheeks and how everything sort of spiraled out of control from there." He paused before saying what came next, allowing me too much time to remember the terribly wonderful kisses Louis and I shared. I bit my lip as they began to tingle. "But what I want to know is why he was comforting you," Harry stated. I felt the color drain from my face as my eyes widened in horrified guilt. The Oreos I had just shared with Niall suddenly felt very heavy in my stomach. I couldn't let Harry know I had made myself throw up; he had seemed so proud when I stopped, and now he would just worry even more.
"I-I'm on my period," I muttered, trying my best to seem embarrassed. "I was just being emotional over nothing," I lied, badly apparently.
"Haley," Harry stated, not buying any of my shit. "I know you. When you cry over nothing, you do it alone." His eyes bore into mine, practically staring into my soul until I sighed in defeat.
"I... I was getting hate," I whispered truthfully. Sure it wasn't the entire truth, but it wasn't a lie. I sat back as Harry sat up, studying my face. I looked around the room, examining my nude nails and staring out the window. I just wanted to look at anything other than his steady, knowing gaze. I felt a hand on my knee, but I still wouldn't meet his gaze.
"Haley, look at me," he coaxed. Eventually I just faced him, the sadness in his Kelly green eyes hitting me in the gut like a ton of bricks. You are such a terrible person, the voice in my head screamed, all you do is hurt the people you love. I looked away again, the voice breaking me, but Harry's slender finger forced me to look at him again. He took my hand in his free one and said, "Listen, I know how hard hate is to deal with, especially at first. But I can tell something else is bothering." His low, gravelly voice was so persuasive, and it made me realize how much I wanted to just spill everything, let all of my emotions out.
"But it's not just them who hate me, Hazz! I hate me too!" I wailed throwing myself into his arms. They instantly locked themselves around me and squeezed, holding me tight. "All I do is hurt people and fuck everything up," I sobbed, tears stinging threateningly in the back of my eyes.
"Haley. Don't say that. Please, don't you dare think that way," he begged unstably in my ear. My heart broke at the tone of his voice.
"See?" I exclaimed. "I'm hurting you. I hurt Niall. I hurt Julia. I hurt Louis. I just created this whole mess. God, I'm such a fuck up," I rambled, the pressure in my skull making my head ache as I stubbornly refused to let myself cry.
"Haley, I'm only hurting because you're hurting, same with Niall. He's over the you and Louis thing, he understands. What's getting to him is the fact that you feel like this. We're hurting because we love you and want to make you feel better," Harry explained. I knew he was trying to make me feel better, but somehow it just made me feel worse.
"Exactly! I'm just a problem. All I do is cause problems for everybody. You'd all be better off without me," I said before I could fully digest what I was saying. Harry pulled back, holding me about a foot away from his face as he stared me sternly in the eye.
"You don't mean that," he stated. It kind of seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than me. "You wouldn't do that to me. You wouldn't leave me. You wouldn't leave us." His usually strong voice broke as tears welled up in his clouded jade orbs. He shook his head vigorously as I bit my trembling lip. "You don't mean that." I knew I had no choice. I had to tell him.
"Harry," I whimpered, my voice raising at least two octaves, "I did it again." His eyes widened in terror, tears sliding freely down his heated cheeks.
"Did you..." he started almost unable to finish. "Did you make yourself...sick?" he croaked, obviously not wanting to believe it. My face crumpled unattractively as I nodded, guilt and shame showering me as he pulled me into another embrace, gripping me even tighter than before as his tears soaked my shoulder. Not that I was in any place to complain; his shoulder was pretty wet from my tears as well.
"You're perfect. I love you. You're beautiful. You don't need to do that. I love you," he mumbled as we rocked back and forth in each others' arms, his voice raspy. His words made my insides hurt, as if I were caving in on myself. All I wanted to do was puke. "I love you."
"I love you too, Hazz," I whispered, my voice just strong enough for the words to carry. I wrapped my arms even tighter around his neck, practically holding on for dear life. In a sense, I was. He pulled back, wiping his eyes. I could tell he was trying to compose himself, but he was still shuddering. It scared me, honestly. Harry was usually very good about keeping in tears.
"I think we need to wipe the slate clean," he said, taking my hands in his. I felt so safe and secure in his hands, the way they were so warm and strong and mine fit in them so easily. He truly was the best cousin a girl could ever have. I nodded in agreement, not trusting my voice. "Can you promise me you won't do that again? Please, please don't scare me like that?" he pleaded. I nodded again, forcing the corner of my lips to rise.
"I promise," I whispered, going in for one last hug.
Guilt churned in my stomach, knowing very well that that promise was one that could be easily broken.
***A/N***
Song of the day: The heart wants what ot wants - Selena Gomez ♥
^ my life.
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Take care, z. :)