After the third shot and our at least fourth beer each, the small underground bar of Edinburgh became our playground.
The four of us laughing, singing, dancing and chatting with strangers. Not many people recognized the boys and if they did, we just bought them drinks and invited them over to our table.
This was the most fun I had, and most definitely the most drunk I've been in a long time.
I didn't even know when was it when we were back into Jared's hotel room, and to tell the truth I had a black spot in my memory from the way from the bar until I was suddenly standing in the balcony of the hotel room with a glass of red wine in my hand.
I had to grab the cordon of the balcony as I tried to look down; everything was spinning around me. I took a sip from my wine then placed it onto the small table what was standing in the corner. I put a cigarette in my mouth as I dug after my lighter in my front and back pockets, when the door slid open aggressively and Jared literally fell out to the balcony.
"There you are!" he sang then a frown appeared on his face and stumbled closer just to pick the cigarette out of my mouth and with a simple move of his wrist he threw it from the balcony.
"Heeey..." I whined looking after it.
"The smell finally left you, don't smoke that shit it makes me wanna puke... even more than I already feel like puking anyway," he mumbled, and I rolled my eyes.
"Fine whatever, that was my last one anyway," I huffed.
"Jared took another sip from the wine bottle and when he lowered it, I saw a drop of wine traveling through his stubble onto his chin.
I chuckled and stepped closer ready to wipe it away but as soon as my hands were too close to his face, he grabbed my wrist hard.
"Avery, stop, you just keep touching me the whole day!" he snapped, still keeping my wrist in his strong grip.
I stopped in surprise, didn't know what to say to that.
"I'm... I'm sorry Jared it's just... I'm happy to see you and... it's not like you ever looked bothered, I thought you don't mind but sorry, I'll stop." I stated still in shock.
Yes, I might have been a bit braver, but it always looked like it's a good way to comfort him and this is just how I showed I cared. I thought he knew.
"I am bothered lately," he stated more quietly. "Lately these hands..." he peeked to my hand in his grip, "the touches.... I just want more when you touch me. And I... I want you to stop it before I lose my fucking mind!" He hissed legit angry, even squeezed my wrist even more.
"What?" all that came to my mind looking at him in shock.
"Fuck, Avery, one day you started all these touching and... you care so much... I... and then you were gone an' now you're here again an' I fucking wanna kiss you 'til you choke every time you fucking provoking me, Avery, I want you to stop!" he seemed angry which was even scarier than the actual sentence he just said, his drunk tongue twisting some words.
I gulped, feeling like I can't make the air reach my lungs as I kept looking into his hazy eyes which were snapping from my lips back to my eyes.
"I... I had no idea..." now my gaze traveled to his slightly parted lips as I licked mine and my mind just shut off completely.
"You fucking killing me, girl," he said reaching up with his right hand to cup my face and brush through my lips with his thumb.
I was speechless. I was. I didn't even know what to do.
"Do it..." I whispered hazy.
"No, Avery no! I am not going down that road with you," he shook his head.
I just frowned as he let his hand fall and finally let my wrist go as he stepped back, looking away.
"You mean too much to me, Avery. I need you in my life, I can't risk of losing the only person I have left" he said so quickly the words just melted together.
"Jared, you are not going to lose me," I said stepping closer.
"I will. I know," he took another step back. "I can't be there for you like you are there for me. You deserve a real relationship now that you are free from me. You are sweet, honest, a heart full of love and I can't ruin that. I can't drag you down with me... You are going to get hurt and leave."
"Why... why would you think that?" I asked sadly.
"Oh, please Av, you know me! You have seen my relationships failing, you have seen me going through women after women, I can't get attached, I can't have you be one of them, and you don't want it either."
He quickly turned and went back to the room leaving me there dizzy but somehow just a bit more sober by his words.
I decided to go after him, although had no idea what to say or if I should leave the... topic here hanging.
"Where are the others?" he looked around grabbing onto the back of the couch to stay in balance.
"I dunno..." I frowned and walked around then opened the bedroom door just to find Lynn and Shannon passed out on the bed.
"I guess they are out," I chuckled, and Jared arrived behind me and whined.
"Heeey!! That is my bed!" he went there and started to shake Shannon up, but his brother only flinched a little, but didn't seem to be reacting.
"Looks like you have to share," I said still standing in the doorway.
"Fucking hell will share," he mumbled as he walked towards me and I turned to walk out as well.
"I think I'll sleep as w..." I started, stopping and turning back to him, but thanks to the slow reflexes he kept walking just long enough to almost walk into me. I put my hands up and his chest bumped into my palm.
He stopped surprised as I looked up to him and I was like... fuck it, this time I won't let him shut me off.
I pushed him back to the wall firmly and raised onto my tiptoes, basically squeezing my eyes shut as I pressed my lips to his.
My lips were lingering on his for a moment or two then slowly pulled away to look into his eyes with a blush.
He starred down at me.
"Avery..."
"Jared be a man and don't worry about my feelings," I just said impatiently.
"Fuck, once I try to be a gentleman," he breathed and then suddenly now he leaned down to kiss me.
It was so sudden as he demanding; grabbed into my hair making me gasp in want. This let his tongue free way to search for mine.
I moaned into our kiss as he deepened it.
My hands slowly making their way up from his chest to cupping his face then grabbed into his hair what somehow made him go wild; pulling me more to his body by hugging my waist around and not stopping for a moment as our heads moved in sync while tasting each other passionately.
I was drunk from alcohol, but his kiss made me feel like I am about to pass out. It was so passionate. Feeling his firm chest raising against mine, hearing his heavy breathing, his strong arms around my body.
All of a sudden, he made a few steps towards me what made me step back. Our lips not parting at all, we stumbled our way to the couch.
He sat down onto the couch, pulling me to sit into his lap by my waist and now he started kissing my neck, sucking on a spot what sent shivers down my spine.
I breathed deep closing my eyes as the whole room was spinning with me; I had to grab into his hair firm.
I was barely aware of what is really going down.
He was drunk and I was drunk... Can this lead to anything good?
"Jared..." I breathed; my voice low.
He stopped immediately like he just snapped out of a dream. He looked up to me, his eyes trying to focus.
"I know..." he muttered resting his palms on the sides of my neck. "We should stop..."
"For the best..." I breathed and couldn't help myself but caress his face slowly.
"My performance at this state probably would disappoint you anyway," he chuckled, and I laughed.
"We should... ahh... maybe sleep a bit... maybe we could... wake up in an hour," he thought about it what made me laugh again.
"Yeah like that is going to happen."
He smirked with half opened eyes breathing in deep.
"Wanna lay down here?" I asked as I moved from his lap.
"Uhhum..." smiled lightly as he basically just fell into a laying position, and instantly he pulled me with him.
I smiled lightly, laying with my back against his chest. His arm found its way around my waist and I pulled it up to my chest hugging it to myself.
I only had to close my eyes and I was gone.
The next morning, I woke up in the same position as I fell asleep.
I felt Jared's chest slowly rising and falling behind my back. Felt his warm breathing in my hair.
I felt dizzy and hazy; needed a couple minutes to let yesterday's happenings sink in.
Suddenly I felt anxious and confused. I didn't know what is going to happen when he wakes up.
What our sober selves going to do after our drunken deeds?
I slowly sat up removing Jared's arm from around me.
I moaned as I shut my eyes. I felt terrible.
"Come back," his muffled voice was heard, and I looked down at him, but he didn't move or opened his eyes.
"I need water... or noh, I need coke," I whined.
"Coke..." he muttered. "Coke an' back," he sounded like every word were knives into his brain.
I pushed myself up and made my way to the mini fridge.
I grabbed up two bottles of coke and stumbled back to the couch sitting down again and opening mine.
I started to drink it like its life. It felt like that.
"Here's yours," I pushed it next to him, but he didn't move anymore or gave any signs of being awake.
I sighed rubbing my face and then I realized I have make-up on.
I whined and no matter how bad I felt I had to go to the bathroom and just wash it off.
When I got back, he was already sitting on the couch drinking the coke. His hair was a mess, his lips were dry, eyes still shut.
"I'll... never... drink again..." he mumbled resting his elbows on his knees, head falling front.
"Yeah..." I walked to the kitchen to pick up my phone.
The next thing I noticed is Jared stumbling towards the bathroom nervously and shut the door.
I heard water running from the tap and somehow, I guessed he must be puking.
I pulled a face as I checked my phone which reminded me of my flight tomorrow morning.
When the water stopped but Jared was still in the bathroom for like 15 minutes I walked there knocking on the door.
"You alright?" I asked but when no answer came, I opened the door.
Poor baby was sitting on the floor with his back to the bathtub. His knees were up and he had his face buried in his palms.
"Do you need something?" I asked kneeling in front of him.
He let his hands down as he looked at me weary. His eyes were red and puffed.
"Dead," he said but let a desperate smile and I smiled back.
"Your health-first stomach probably got into a shock after your alcohol intake," I smiled, and he nodded rubbing his face.
"What's going on here?" asked Shannon as he stepped in looking at us.
He didn't look that much better either.
"Hangover," I said standing back up.
"Oh, Jared can't do hangovers. Remember last time when you started puking around after 4 shots, vegan baby? You got so lame," Shannon teased him as he walked closer.
I smiled as I walked out.
"Gather him. Is Lynn up?"
"Yeah, calling for coffee," Shannon answered as I smiled walking out.
"Make all coffees double. And ask mango juice for Jared."
I asked as I sat onto the couch.
Lynn nodded as she sat next to me talking to the room service.
"Fuuckk I'll never drink again..." she sighed leaning back and I laughed.
"Yeah we are all seem to be on the same page now," I leaned back too, closing my eyes.
After a minute or two I felt Lynn sitting up again and I opened my eyes to peer at her.
"Is that... a hickey?" She asked stunned, leaning closer to my neck as I frowned then my eyes grew wide touching my neck.
"N...no."
"Yeah, like hell no, it's a proper bruise!" she laughed amazed. "But... how? You did not hook up with anyone in the club..."
I was trying to think so hard, but nothing came to my mind. The four of us were together all the time.
Lynn was looking at me with a frown when Jared and Shannon walked out of the bathroom.
"Can't believe that you and Avery had the stomach and the brain cells to drink another bottle of wine. Of course, you puked your guts out you idiot," Shannon was just smiling as he slightly slapped the back of Jared's head who whined unlikely stepping away.
"Oh my God!" Lynn broke out as she looked at me and my neck and I turned to her shocked. She put the puzzle together. I am sure she figured it out.
The boys looked at her questioningly and Lynn just shook her head.
"Nah I just... for a moment I thought I'm gonna vomit too... Like when I caught my boss banging my coworker in the office," she stated looking at me with narrowed eyes and I stood up.
"Lynn. Come with me now. Just to make sure you okay," I grabbed her hands pulling her into the bathroom and closed the door.
"You and Jared, Avery, really? That makes so much sense, Oh, my God, why didn't you tell me?" she whispered.
"No! No Lynn, it was not like that! We were drunk and... stupid and nothing happened..."
"Lynn you know him for... hell how long, what the hell, when did it start?"
"I told you nothing happened, and nothing started ever. This was the first time, and I am not even sure if he remembers..." I shrugged and she wanted to answer but we heard Shannon shouting in.
"Girls, we wanna go out for some breakfast, have some fresh air before we leave! Wanna join?"
I took another look on Lynn then went back out.
Everyone threw on some clothes and sunglasses. We must have looked like a bunch of homeless as we walked to the closest café house in the city.
I did not have a chance to even be alone with Jared let alone talk to him. He was quiet and so out of it the whole afternoon, and to tell the truth, I didn't have any motivation to talk real either.
They were scheduled to leave with their tour bus in the evening to be in Glasgow the next morning, so they had to go back and pack once again.
I wanted to stay with them until they leave but they didn't really need me around, and I honestly was too tired.
Looks like the conversation have to wait another 2 months... If there is going to be any conversation.
Jared was, though drunk, but pretty clear about not wanting relationship, neither me to be one of his... hook-ups.
And it is not like I knew what I wanted either.
Do I want a relationship... with like anyone? Or being another fuck-body of Jared's?
This, to tell the truth did not sound so good, and probably he is right, if we want to stay in each other's life as now, we can't risk it.
I sighed leaning to the window of the airplane, on my way back to Los Angeles.
I closed my eyes as I replayed the kiss over and over again, and the way it made me feel. It was more than I have ever imagined.
Then I tried to imagine something more serious with Jared... if it could happen.
But thinking, that maybe I am going to be the one to change him, would make me a hypocrite, as I always felt sorry for the girls who thought they could be the one for him.
There is this saying what really fits here; All for one and one for all. One being Jared Leto.