The girls were all sitting in the lounge together, a small murmur between Camila, Dinah, and Ally going on. Lauren felt a small flutter every time Camila met their eyes, even if it was only for a second. It had been about a week and they were on their way to Omaha. Lauren had still kept to herself mostly, speaking with Ally a little from time to time. Normani and Dinah really hadn't spoken to her, she figured maybe they were afraid to upset her, but she'd been sober for a whole week. She didn't understand the silence between them, especially from her overprotective Normani. Her and Camila were a different story, though. They had kept it quiet, something they were very used to, but it wasn't as severe as before. They shared a couple of very innocent kisses, almost as if they were forgetting how many times they'd been intimate before. It was almost laughable, but sweet. They both weren't ready to talk about it, so they just went with it. No one had to know for now—hell, even they didn't know. But that was fine with both of them, they were more than happy to leave it at a couple of kisses early in the morning while they were alone. There was one thing—one huge thing—that bothered Lauren: Camila was still so jittery around her phone when she was with Lauren. She silenced it and silenced it more and silenced it some more constantly when they were together. Lauren had no other reason than to believe it was Austin calling. Was Camila doing to Austin what she had done to Lauren? She didn't want to be responsible for that, but how was she supposed to bring it up? She didn't want to make Camila furious because of the lack of trust. Lauren wasn't ready to jump back into fighting just yet. She was soon pulled out of her thoughts when she felt a dip in the couch. Lauren looked over to see Normani sitting next to her, looking at her like she was trying to see if it was really her.
"Hey," Lauren gave a smile. She had missed the girl who used to never leave her side. The fact that they hadn't talked in weeks was saddening to Lauren. They were supposed to be best friends. Lauren noticed as Camila watched them closely, confused by that.
"Hey?" Normani countered, a little bitterness hanging in her tone.
"Yeah? Hey..." Lauren furrowed her eyebrows.
"You haven't talked to me in weeks and all you're going to say is 'hey'?"
Lauren shifted to look at Normani more closely. What the hell? Normani had been the one ignoring her, averting her eyes away every time they had eye contact. "Um, I'm a little confused."
"Where have you been?" Normani spoke sharply. Camila kept her eyes locked on them. What the fuck is going on?
"Right here?"
"No, Lauren. Where have you been? 'Cause you sure as hell aren't here."
Lauren grimaced, now annoyed. "What the fuck are you talking about? Care to stop dancing around what you're really trying to ask?"
"You aren't here. You're either drunk or asleep or in some sort of trance." Lauren rolled her eyes. Here comes the judgement.
"I've been doing better."
"You mean you haven't fucked someone in a while."
"Normani." Lauren gritted through her teeth.
"You said you would tell us if things were getting bad again, but you didn't. You just went away." Normani shot Camila an intimidating look when she realized her watching.
Lauren let out a bitter laugh. "Sorry, I almost forgot everything is my fault."
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"I'm not doing it anymore! Have you seen me pick up a drink—or a guy—this past week?" Lauren shot back, baffled Normani was pushing her on this. Normani opened her mouth to reply but Lauren raised a hand in front of her. "Save it, I should've known this was coming. All you do is sit here and fucking judge me." Camila was about to intervene but decided just to wait it out. "You think I'm just some breakable fucking girl, Mani. You think I'm weak. Just say it."
"I don't think you're weak." Normani dropped her eyes to her hands.
"You can't even look at me. Just fucking say it, I know you think it. You think I'm weak." Normani stayed silent. "Right. You're so fucking perfect, Normani. I'm so sorry I can't be like you." She shouted sarcastically, getting the rest of the girls' attention. "I'm the weak little friend you have. Do you even like me or do you just feel guilty for promising my mom something you can't keep? That you'd take care of me?"
"Of course I like you!" Normani stood up. Lauren rose to her feet as well.
"I think it's guilt." She moved closer to her, in her face. "You're so guilty because I fucked up my mom's peaceful mind and you, being you, think that you have to fix it. Save me all the trouble, Normani, and just admit you don't want me around. You're tired of looking after me. You think I'm weak—a waste of time."
Normani backed up a little, hurt at Lauren's words. How dare she? After all I've done for her? After the countless hours I spent worrying about whether or not she was going to even be alive? "I don't feel that way."
"Then what way do you feel? Huh, Normani? Let me guess." She put a finger to her chin and tapped it. "Hmm, you think I'm pathetic and—"
Normani interrupted. "I'm not going to stand here and listen to you bullshit this. I've never given you a reason for you to think that."
"Sure you have, Normani! You look down on me like I'm some fragile girl you have to pity because I can't—" Lauren stopped herself suddenly and looked away.
Normani glowered. "Can't what? Say what you were going to say." Lauren shook her head and Normani let out a bitter laugh. "You know what, Lauren? I think this is all what you think of yourself. You think you're weak, you think you're pathetic. And you think this because of what you were about to say—because you can't get over Camila." Lauren wiped at her eyes as Ally stood up. "And you won't ever get over her unless you let her know."
Ally put an arm around Lauren and guided her to the back, shooting a glare over her shoulder to Normani who—to Ally's surprise—wasn't smirking in victory. Rather, she looked drained and shocked at what came out of her mouth. Lauren's small cries brought Ally's attention back to her as she shut the door behind them.
Normani winced as the door shut before sinking back into the couch. She didn't care that Camila was glaring at her or that Dinah was at a loss for words. All she cared about was how she hurt Lauren.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Camila spoke up to Normani, surprising all three of them. "You can't stop calling when I'm with her to 'make sure' she's okay and now you tell her the reason she's sad is because of me?"
"It's true." Normani shrugged, a little detached from what was happening around her.
"That's none of your business."
Normani scoffed before she erupted in laughter. Dinah looked away when Camila tried to meet their eyes in confusion. "It's not my business?"
"It's not." Camila crossed her arms.
Normani chuckled. "You are in way over your head. You think everything's so fine because no one can see your little kisses behind closed doors? You think that's a relationship?"
"We aren't in a relationship."
"Trust me, I know."
"What do you know about relationships? I don't remember you having anyone in your life." Camila fired back.
Normani sat up a little, smirking into Camila's eyes. She, truthfully, was amused at how little Camila knew. "You're going to bash on my relationship skills?" She giggled. "Let's talk about yours. Who are you with right now again? Is it Lauren or Austin? Do you even fucking know?" Camila began to reply but Normani continued over her. "You think you know Lauren so well? Let me tell you right now, you don't know who the fuck she is anymore." Camila raised her eyebrows—Normani never cursed, but it was sure coming out today. "You think fucking multiple guys is healthy in a relationship? You think disappearing for months is healthy?"
"Normani." Dinah asserted. Normani broke eye contact with Camila and decided to stop talking. If she continued, she would've spilled about Lauren's hospitalization and that would've been a bigger mess than this one.
"Fine, I'll stop." Normani shrugged. "It's not my business, right?" She watched as Camila sat back.
She almost told me. Camila thought. What the fuck is everyone keeping from me? What is Lauren keeping from me? "And you won't ever get over her unless you let her know." What the hell was that supposed to even mean?
-
Lauren felt at ease in Ally's comforting arms, listening to friendly words being cooed in her ear. "Let it out, sweetie. You can talk when you're ready." She rubbed her back patiently as tears streamed down her friend's face. "You're not weak and you're not pathetic."
"You're the only one here who believes that." Lauren helplessly wiped at her eyes again for the hundredth time.
"The only person here who doesn't believe that is you." Ally pushed some strands of Lauren's hair out of her face and gave her a concerned look. "What Normani said was wrong—beyond wrong—but you know she doesn't think any of that about you."
"Yes, she does! I can see it in her face. She looks at me and she's so confused because what normal fucking person would stay with someone they had such a hurtful past with? She doesn't fucking get it and she thinks I'm pathetic for staying." Lauren sat up a little when she realized she might of just told Ally they were seeing each other as more than friends again, but Ally's expression didn't falter.
"Exactly, Lauren. She doesn't understand it. That doesn't mean she thinks less of you. She's just—"
"Worried." Lauren cut her off. "She's just worried. Everyone's just so fucking worried."
Ally sighed and linked their hands together. "Laur, listen to me right now. We're all still trying to get through your hospitalization from last break, even you. So you can't just go out and lose yourself like that every night with random men every night without expecting us to be worried. We would be worried even if you didn't have your accident from before."
"Accident?" Lauren chuckled bitterly. "It wasn't a fucking accident." Ally looked down. "I didn't accidentally swallow a bottle of sleeping pills."
"Lauren, I know but—"
"No, you don't. You don't know. I'm so tired of everyone acting like they know. You think you know what I went through? What I was thinking? What I was feeling? What I still feel?" She stared Ally down. "You don't know and you never will."
Ally nodded her head understandingly. "That's what I'm afraid of. I don't know how to help you."
Lauren backed off a bit, feeling guilty for the way she just spoke to her friend. "You are helping. I'm sorry, I'm just upset. You are helping." Ally relaxed a little and gave her a weary smile.
"I'm not going to try to reconcile this fight tonight, so you don't have to worry about that. I won't make you hug and apologize to each other." Ally giggled when Lauren let out a 'thank God'. "I'll trust you to do it on your own. You know what's right. You know who to keep in your life." Lauren frowned when Ally began to stand up. "Camila texted me to 'hurry up'." She smirked. "Guess she's urgent to see you." She began walking toward the door but turned back again. "And—by the way—it's cute how you two think you're still so good at hiding things. Just remember, Lo. Ally knows all." She raised her eyebrows and left while Lauren let out a small laugh, content to once again feel unjudged by her friend.
Camila speedily entered the room after Ally. "Are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't say anything. Well, I did after you left with Ally."
"It's ok—wait, what did you say?" The look in Lauren's eyes turned to dread. Normani was mad, and when Normani's mad, she says things she's not supposed to. Does Camila know?
"I just told her it was none of her business."
"And?"
"And she told me it was and that I didn't know you anymore. She said our 'relationship'—which we aren't in—is unhealthy. I didn't disagree there." Camila finally sat down next to the brunette, waiting for a response.
Lauren fumed. "Don't let her say that shit."
"It's true, Lauren. What she said is true. About us." Camila replied calmly.
"What are you talking about?" Lauren took her hand. "You know me."
Camila shook her head. "Not anymore. There's something there that changed you and I've known that ever since we got back. You aren't the same—we aren't the same. You've been trying to tell me, but I didn't want to listen. I don't know you anymore, Lauren." She squeezed her hand. "But I'd like to." Lauren didn't reply. "I don't know what happened with you that everyone is so careful about mentioning—" It was then that Lauren looked away and tried to bring her hand back. Camila strengthened her grip. "Hey. Don't shut me out." She paused before continuing. "Anyway, I don't know what happened with you that everyone is so careful about mentioning but what I do know is that you aren't comfortable with me knowing. And that's okay." Lauren met their eyes immediately. "You don't have to tell me right now. Whatever we're doing—I don't think we could handle the added pressure on us right now anyway. So, that's okay." She frowned when she saw happiness in Lauren's eyes. She really isn't going to tell me. "For now. That's okay for now. But, I want to know Lauren. I need to know someday." She brought her hand up to Lauren's cheek and caressed it. "But that day doesn't have to be today. I'll wait, Lauren." She planted a gentle kiss on Lauren's lips and pulled away, trying to find some answers in those mysterious emerald eyes. "I'd wait forever if you asked me to." She whispered unintentionally.
The girls were silent for a while, just staring at each other's eyes, mouths, noses—taking in each other's beauty—before Lauren brought their mouths together again. Camila wrapped her arms around Lauren's neck and lowered herself on the bunk, bringing Lauren on top of her. Her hands found the hem of Lauren's shirt as she slipped her touch underneath, running her fingertips up and down Lauren's spine as they explored each other's mouths passionately. Lauren's hands cupped Camila's face, fearful that she would pull away and this moment would be over. But she didn't—she stayed and made no attempt to move.
After a while, Lauren felt Camila giggle into the kiss. She pulled away, intrigued. "What?"
Camila kept giggling. "Nothing, it's just that... well, this reminds me of our first kiss."
Lauren moved off her and sat up on her elbows, her amused expression meeting Camila's. "What about it?"
"I mean, this is how it happened the first time basically—except I kissed you first." Camila grinned at the memory. Lauren chuckled and ran a hand through her hair. "Remember?" She nodded. "We were sitting in your room—"
"It was after the X Factor." Lauren smiled at the memory.
"Yeah!" Camila squealed. "After the X Factor. We were on your bed and I wouldn't even look at you." She giggled again.
Lauren nodded, both of them beginning to reminisce.
-
"Camz, what's wrong?" Lauren moved closer her distracted friend with a look of concern on her face. "You haven't said a word since we watched the movie."
"Aren't you supposed to stay quiet during movies?" Camila joked and Lauren laughed. Camila looked at her and proceeded to let out a soft sigh, all humor seeming to have left her body, immediately looking away. "I'm okay."
"Camz." Lauren sent her a pointed look. "Don't pull that with me." She took her hands out of habit and then furrowed her eyebrows. "Camz, your hands are shaking. What's wrong?" Camila tried to pull her trembling hands away but Lauren held onto them tighter. "Just tell me."
"I can't." Camila breathed out. She could feel Lauren's eyes burning holes into the side of her face.
"Why not?" Camila didn't respond. "Why can't you tell me, babe?" Lauren tried to meet their eyes and failed.
"I'm scared, Lolo." She shook her head, trying to get her hands free again, not surprised when she failed.
"I'm not letting go. Why are you scared?"
"I'm scared I'll ruin everything." She spoke in a small whisper.
"Look at me, Camz."
"No. If I look at you, I won't be able to look away."
Lauren's face was painted with confusion. "We're best friends, babe. Nothing will change between us. You'll always be my Camz. You can tell me anything."
Camila nodded. "I know."
"So, don't be scared. I promise, whatever it is, it won't change us, okay?" Lauren rubbed Camila's hands and was relieved when Camila met their eyes.
She opened her mouth to say something, but the sight of Lauren in her dim-lighted room always caught her off guard. She was so beautiful. "You're everything to me."
Lauren pushed a strand of Camila's hair behind her ear, waiting for her to continue. But that's not what happened. Her breath hitched when she felt Camila's soft lips on hers. Camila let her nerves get the best of her as she began to break the kiss, but Lauren didn't let her. She pulled them down on the bed together, giving Camila the confidence she needed. Her hands entangled in Lauren's long brown locks and she smiled when she heard a small moan of her name emit from her best friend's mouth.
-
"I turned you on even back then." Camila smirked at Lauren who rolled her eyes. "Even dorky old me. You moaned my name. 'Camilaaaaa.'" She mocked, laughing in between her words. "'Mmmm, Camila.'" Lauren gently pushed her shoulder and Camila feigned hurt.
"'I'm scared, Lolo. I won't be able to look away.'" Lauren mocked Camila back, laughing at the memories. She nudged the petite girl laying next to her and smiled. "You were so scared."
Camila turned to lay on her back, looking up. She sighed. "I still am." She glanced at Lauren before returning her gaze up. "I still tremble every time we're together." Lauren nodded sadly. "I was right about one thing back then." The brunette looked at her questioningly. "I was scared I would ruin everything. Check." She chuckled before returning to a serious manner. "I'm really sorry, Lauren. I'm sorry I ruined us."
"I don't want to fight about it tonight." Lauren closed her eyes.
"I'm not trying to start a fight."
"We don't have to try." Lauren countered.
Camila snorted. "Not trying is our speciality."
"See? We're already fighting." Lauren raised an eyebrow.
"No, we're not." Camila replied quickly.
"Yes, we are."
"No, we're not." Camila spoke again with anger. Lauren paused. "Fuck, we are."
"Let's talk about something else." Lauren huffed.
"Okay." Camila turned on her side to face her. "What are you going to say to Normani?"
Lauren groaned. "Something else."
"How about we stop talking?" Camila lowered her voice and ran a finger across Lauren's plump lips, ready to take them in her own. She felt a little success when she saw Lauren's eyes darken. "Would you like that? For us to stop talking?"
"Shut up already." She pulled Camila on top of her by her hips and connected their lips, her hands tightening around Camila who was now straddling her. This kiss was a lot more fast-paced and heated than the previous one, but neither of the girls were complaining. Their tongues met almost immediately, greeting each other like old friends, while Camila could feel Lauren's hands everywhere at once. Camila began unbuttoning Lauren's shirt, moaning when Lauren pulled her closer, deepening the kiss as their bodies applied more pressure onto each other.
Before Camila could finish unbuttoning, Dinah walked in. The girls sat up immediately, Lauren pushing Camila off the bunk. Dinah smirked at them as Camila hurriedly scrambled to what she could make a 'normal' position on the floor.
"Ladies." She greeted.
"Hey, Dinah." Camila's voice was high pitched—something she does when she's nervous. Lauren shot her a look and Camila coughed, attempting to return back to her normal octave. "What's... uh, what's up?" Lauren smoothed out her hair as it'd been a little messy from the heated session that had just happened.
"Whatcha doin' there on the floor, Karla?" Dinah gestured to the ground. "Seems uncomfortable."
"Well, you know, just checking the floor." She ran a hand across the floor before knocking at it. "Yep! Good. It's solid." She stood up and sat on the bunk opposite of Lauren's who was watching the conversation nervously.
Dinah nodded, playing along. This will be fun. She thought to herself. "You look a little flushed, Lo. Are you feeling okay?"
"Oh! Uh, yeah. Feeling great. It's a little bit hot in here, that's all."
"Oh, I bet it is." Dinah wiggled her eyebrows and Camila let out a small laugh before sending an apologetic look to Lauren who was now glaring at her. "Is that why your shirt is more than halfway off?" Lauren's hands shot up to pull her shirt in a less revealing manner.
"I—uh... I spilled something on it?" She asked rather than stating. "And Camila, being the nice friend she is, came and helped me with it because we're friends." Lauren explained.
Dinah turned to Camila. "Is that why little Mila was so impatient to come in here?"
Camila rolled her eyes. "Little Mila was so impatient to come in here because Normani was attacking me while little DJ sat there and watched. Little Mila was worried about little Lauren who sat in here with little Ally who has, I believe, been the only great friend to little Lauren over the past couple of days." Lauren widened her eyes. Did Camila just tell Dinah off? The two were practically inseparable.
Dinah sighed and turned to Lauren. "I know, and that's why I came in here. I'm just going to ignore the fact that you and Mila were totally making out just a second ago—and you know that's hard for me to do because I'm the captain of the ship—to stand here and apologize for being a horrible friend."
Lauren waved a hand in the air as to dismiss her frantic behavior. "Don't listen to Camila. She's just upset."
"Upset I didn't get any." She muttered under her breath, turning red when Dinah and Lauren both turned around with mouths agape. "Didn't get any sleep! I'm upset I didn't get any sleep last night. I'm so tired."
"Why didn't you get any sleep last night?" Dinah smirked and Camila hid her face.
"Camila, I'm going to hit you." Lauren hissed.
Camila grinned at the situation. "Ooooh, we haven't tried being rough yet."
Dinah coughed and Lauren buried her head in her heads. "Get out."
"But—" Camila whined. It took one look from Lauren to realize she better leave. She walked out of the room and sat next to a quiet Ally who, Camila guessed, was ignoring Normani.
Dinah sat down next to Lauren. "You're all making it really hard for me to focus with all of this Camren stuff. Do you realize how many girls from the internet would've killed to be in my situation right now? And I have to spend it apologizing?" She sighed. "Life is unfair, let me tell ya."
Lauren laughed despite the mention of 'Camren'. "Dinah, don't apologize. Really."
"Lo, I'm sorry that I haven't been there. And I don't mean just in the last couple of days—I mean ever." Dinah spoke carefully. "I see how Normani and Ally act with you and God, you know that's just not me. I can't treat you so carefully like that." Lauren listened intently. "It's just not who I am. But—I'm gonna try. I really am. I worry about you so much and I know we never have talked about the night that changed everything—and that's my own fault. I didn't think I could bring myself to speak of it because I had never felt so scared in my life." She wiped away a tear. "I'm sorry I was never there for you emotionally, you know? I was there physically, but never emotionally. And I'm so sorry." She waited for a response nervously. Dinah looked up at Lauren who seemed to be deep in thought, her eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinted. "Lauren? Anytime now."
Lauren turned her head swiftly to meet Dinah's eyes. "Sorry. I just am trying to understand why you feel that way at all—why you feel like you weren't there for me emotionally."
Dinah shrugged. "Never mind, it was stupid."
"No. I just want to remind you of everything you have done for me." Lauren shifted toward her. "Dinah, you helped get me the help I needed and still need today. You were and continue to be a huge part of my recovery. I couldn't thank you enough for that—for getting me help. My mom vaguely told me what happened that night, as I don't remember much of it. She told me that you and Ally got me help. That means so much to her... and me. I wouldn't be here without you. You visited me in the hospital, I was told, multiple times. I wish I could remember more, but what I like to think happened while we were alone is that you would make jokes. I pretend that's what you talked to me about."
Dinah beamed. "That's exactly what I did."
"See? You were there for me. And not just physically. You were patient and understanding. You never pushed me to talk about it and you were the best distraction I could've ever asked for. Everyone needs to get away sometimes and you were my away." Lauren's voice began to falter. "And when I had that... moment in rehearsal. You know, all those memories kept—they kept flowing in. They wouldn't stop. Nothing was constant except for you, bringing me back from the nightmare. It wasn't Ally or Normani who brought me out of that room to calm me down—it was you." Lauren managed a smile despite the tears brimming at her eyes. "So don't you say you're sorry for not being there for me. I'm sorry I've never thanked you for it. Thank you."
Dinah did a hair flip. "Well, girl, no problem. Just being the great friend I am." She joked and smiled when Lauren laughed. "But really, that means a lot."
"Give me a hug." Lauren reached her arms out.
"Camila might get jealous. You still have your shirt unbuttoned." She wagged her eyebrows again.
Lauren rolled her eyes. "She's still seeing Austin. She's not allowed to be jealous." Dinah looked at her confused before she got angry.
She still hasn't told her? Dinah fumed to herself. She hugged Lauren quickly, trying to hide her annoyance with Camila. She got up to leave, saying one last thing before she left. "You know, I love you, Lo. You're my sister."
Lauren nodded. "You, too."