"Good morning." Lauren looked up at Ally who was hovering over her with a small plate of food and water. "You should eat this." She held out the plate.
Lauren groaned, her head throbbing more than ever. "Not hungry." She managed the breathe out. Her cheeks turned red when she remembered she was naked under the sheet. She quickly looked down to make sure she was covered completely. "On a scale of 1-10, how much of a hot mess do I look like right now?"
Ally giggled, sitting next to the girl. "Honest?"
"Honest."
"About an 8." She pushed Lauren's messy hair out of her face and laughed. "I'm debating on whether or not I should let you see yourself in a mirror or not."
"That bad?"
"That bad." Ally replied. Her smile decreased when she spoke again. "How are you doing, Lo?"
Lauren's lips pursed. "I'll tell you when I'm actually awake. Can you hand me some clothes?" She smiled when Ally already had them folded on her lap. "Thank you."
Ally left the room as Lauren got dressed. She herself debated whether or not she wanted to look in the mirror too. Lauren could feel the sticky lipstick smeared on her face and god knows what the rest of her face looks like. She shakily made her way into the bathroom and looked up. She was teary eyed when she let out a sad laugh. "I'm a fucking mess." She whispered to herself. Not only was the lipstick smeared, her eye makeup was completely smudged, and her neck was bruised from the rough man's mouth. She ran a brush through her unruly hair and that alone took half an hour. She wiped off her makeup, brushed her teeth, and walked out of the bathroom. She felt horrible, like shit, to be honest. She took a deep breath of courage before walking out into the lounge, fearing judgmental looks from her friends.
"Hey, Lo. Did you eat?" Normani smiled. Lauren furrowed her eyebrows. No yelling? No reprimanding?
"Umm," She paused. "No. Not hungry." She continued when she saw Normani nod. "What time is it?"
"Four." She replied simply, noting how Lauren's jaw dropped slightly.
"In the afternoon?" Normani nodded. "What the hell? Why didn't you wake me?"
"We did." She gestured toward Ally.
"I mean earlier."
"You looked like you needed rest." Ally spoke.
"Where's Dinah?" Lauren noticed she wasn't there. Neither was Camila.
Ally glanced at Normani for a split second. "She's with Mila. They went to a concert." Lauren looked at her for more information. She mumbled something.
"What?" Lauren asked. Ally mumbled again. "Ally, I can't hear you when you speak that low."
"They are going to Austin's concert." Normani spoke for Ally. "They're out doing stuff before his show starts." Lauren looked at her, confused. "Alexa told me she mentioned they were talking. I'm sorry we didn't tell you earlier. We didn't want to upset you." She looked at Lauren who rolled her eyes. "I'll tell you all you want to know. I know that's best for your recovery. We can't just shelter you from everything. It's not helping, obviously."
"Well, are we going out?" Lauren asked.
Normani and Ally giggled. "Mani and I are going to be watching That's So Raven all night, let's be real." Ally playfully hit Normani on the arm as they sang the theme song. Lauren forced a smile for the sake of her friends, but that wasn't what she was going to be doing on her night off. She walked back to prep for her night out.
-
"How was it?" Dinah asked Camila when she saw the small girl approaching her again. She had just went to go talk to Austin, leaving Dinah to wait.
She scrunched up her face. "He calls me Camilla." She rolled her eyes as she heard Dinah suppress a laugh. "Camilla." She repeated. "That doesn't even sound right. You literally could look at my twitter name, and it explains how to say it. It's CamEEla."
"I know it is." Dinah cracked a smile.
"Anyway, I think this is the last time we'll probably talk again." She shrugged.
"Why? I thought you liked him?"
"He calls me Camilla."
"That's the reason you're breaking things off?"
"To be fair," Camila raised her index finger. "They weren't on to start with."
Dinah nodded. "Sure this doesn't have anything to do with a certain brunette?"
Camila looked away. "Hey, don't tell her about this."
"About the concert? She already knows we came."
"No. About me and Austin. I don't want her knowing that we aren't talking anymore."
"Camila..." Dinah spoke. She didn't want to have to hide that from Lauren. That one piece of information that could make Lauren happy.
"Dinah, please. I want her to know that I'm doing okay without her."
"You're not." Dinah whispered. Camila looked at her.
"Yes, I am. I'm the happiest I've ever been."
"Mila, I hear you."
"What?"
"I hear you. Crying." Dinah watched the girl stiffen.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You're not okay and you're not happy. This is all just a front. Don't think I can't see through this act. Lauren might not be able to, but I can. I know because I used to hear Lauren cry, too." She placed a hand on Camila's shoulder. "If you don't do anything about it, this is only going to get worse. Trust me. Lauren doesn't back down. She'll do anything for her pride."
Camila scoffed. "And I can't do the same?"
"You can. I just know that you don't want to."
-
The nightclub was filled with the smell of alcohol and sweat. Lauren had managed to get in and she wasn't sure if that was because she looked a lot older than she actually was tonight or if it was because her outfit was showing a lot more skin than it was covering. She made her way through the hazy crowd of people until she got in the middle. God, she felt alive. All of these people around her just losing themselves in the music. She couldn't wait to do the same. She began dancing by herself, and it wasn't long before she felt two strong hands on her waist.
"What are you doing all by your lonesome, gorgeous?" He breathed in her ear. She smelled whiskey.
Lauren turned around and saw an attractive man, probably in his early twenties. Maybe older. "Just waiting for you." She flirted back.
What the man said next took Lauren by surprise. "I'm going to make you forget all about him tonight."
They danced and shared sloppy kisses for what felt like forever before Lauren soon made the decision to bring him back to the bus. She had guessed it was pretty late since all of the girls were out of the lounge. "Feeling risky tonight?" She whispered, motioning to the couch. "Someone might catch us."
"All the more fun." He growled into her ear.
Lauren couldn't deny that the man made her feel better and she couldn't deny that he made her forget about the pain. But she couldn't deny the feelings of worthlessness that were radiating throughout her body every time he stroked her skin. She couldn't deny that Camila's smooth hands felt much better, that Camila's body felt much better. But it wasn't about that anymore. She needed a release, she needed someone to be with her in the night, and Camila couldn't be that person. She needed to stay numb, so she kept finding men she felt nothing for. Feeling nothing was better than feeling what she felt for Camila, right? She tried to convince herself. With every kiss, she felt nothing. Nothing but empowered. It was amazing to her that she could make another man—another person—feel this way for a night, and then wake up and not have to deal with the complicated stuff. She was sound asleep when Camila came out.
The sight of Lauren cuddled up in a man that was doing everything to get up and leave without waking her burned into Camila's mind. "Who are you?" She whispered, leaning against the wall.
"Well, my name is Carlos." He smirked at her. "And she is?" She gestured toward the sleeping brunette who was exposed.
"That is Lauren." Camila tried not to look at her perfect body that was out for everyone to see. She knew Lauren would be embarrassed. Just because Lauren was passed out drunk didn't mean Camila stopped respecting her.
"And you are?" He asked, putting on his jeans.
"Camila."
"Pretty name for a pretty girl." He was putting his belt on now. "Found this gorgeous girl in a midst of people. She was beautiful. You guys live together?"
"She is beautiful. And sort of, well, we're in a band."
"A girl group?" Carlos grinned at her, still looping his belt through his jeans, the jingling of the belt buckle flowing through the room. Camila nodded. "She do this a lot?" He asked, referring to Lauren's one night stand.
"Only recently." Camila cursed herself when she let a tear escape. She hoped the man didn't notice.
"Oh." He nodded toward Lauren. "You're the guy."
"What?"
"The guy." He reached down for his shirt. "When I met..." He trailed off, trying to remember her name.
"Lauren." Camila grimaced.
"When I met Lauren, she was dancing alone. Just surrounded by all of these people. I know girls like that—always trying to escape someone, some feeling." He chuckled at the memory. "I told her, well I promised her, that I'd make her 'forget about him'. But it's you, huh?" He took the silence as a confirmation, slipping on his shirt. "You're the guy. Anyways, I'm not so sure I kept my promise." He grabbed at his shoes. "She's a great fuck, that girl."
"So I've heard before." Camila spoke softly.
Carlos slipped on his shoes and stood up confidently, ready to leave. He shared a look of empathy with Camila before heading out. "Good luck, Camila. To the both of you. Make sure she stays away from guys like me." And like that, he was gone. Camila should've been angry, should've been furious, should've woken Lauren open and screamed and yelled and hit, but she couldn't. She couldn't do that to Lauren. She knew Lauren felt shit for these two guys, and she knew that there would be more. She would have to watch Lauren lay there alone, makeup smeared, every night, reaching for someone who wasn't there. That's what hurt her the most, Camila felt, that Lauren was craving for someone to stay with her. Camila only wished that she could be that person. She didn't know how long she stood there, just thinking, but what brought her back was the little shiver Lauren did. She was still exposed, and Camila quickly retrieved a blanket from the opposite couch. There were tears in her eyes as she laid it over the brunette. This is only the beginning. Camila thought. And with that, she went back to bed.
There had been nine men since then. Camila remembered all of their names. Jake, Carlos, Carter, Adam, another Jake, Christopher, Ryan, Alex, and lastly Peter. She all talked to them as they were leaving and they were all friendly. Granted, they just had probably the best sex of their life (their words), but still nice. Camila wanted to hate them. She wanted to hate Lauren. But she knew that this was Lauren was hurting. She could see it in the girl every night while she was conversing with the many men who left her there. Camila could really never wrap her head around how they had the strength to leave. It was like nothing to them. They'd had sex with a beautiful girl and off they go. No attachments. Nothing. Camila supposed that's why Lauren was doing it. Lauren needed people who didn't need her. She needed to wake up in the morning knowing that she didn't have to deal with all of the mess of feelings or whatever. But most importantly, she needed something to distract her from Camila. Someone to distract her. And so far, she had met nine very nice men. They all said the same thing to Camila when she left. "Don't let her meet another me." "Make sure she stays away from guys like me." "Guys like me are bad news." They would say this to her like she had a choice. Did they really think that if she had a choice, she would be laying around letting them touch her? That was the best joke of all, but they all kept saying it, and she just kept nodding her head. Lauren hadn't talked much to anyone really since the tour began. It was mostly in slurs at night from the drinking or whispers in the morning from the hangover. She never, not once, spoke to Camila. It had been weeks—three, she believed—since Lauren had even looked in her direction. Not even on Camila's birthday, which had just passed, did she speak to her. They put on a show—the professional thing to do, for the fans, but off stage no words were said. Management advised Lauren to at least post something for the sake of the fans, so she got Normani to write something up. She didn't even read it. She couldn't bring herself to. Lauren was beginning to forget the small things about Camila and she wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. Camila missed the sound of her name coming from Lauren's lips, even if it was yelled. She just needed something. Camila, though, was also guilty. She still hadn't told Lauren that her and Austin weren't talking anymore. Camila liked to think that if Lauren didn't sleep with all of those men that she would tell her, but that wasn't true. Camila liked making Lauren jealous. She wanted to feel wanted, and Lauren was the only one who could do that for her. Dinah scolded her every time Camila brought up Austin in a conversation just to annoy Lauren, because every time Camila brought up Austin, Lauren would leave and show up again later and drunker than the night before.
The girls did their usual routine of checking into their hotel, glad to have some time away from each other. There wasn't much to do during the day but a little peace and quiet was all they needed right now.
Lauren opened her door, hearing the girls say "see you later" before she shut it completely, smiling to herself as she was finally alone. She went to the bathroom and gasped a little when she saw her reflection. This had been, Lauren realized, the first time she'd seen herself without makeup in days. She was either in a makeup chair, drunk, or asleep—with makeup smudged on her face. Her eyes were sunk in almost as there were dark circles under them. She poked at them, noting the appearance of bags. She looked drained of all color. She'd always had a pale complexion, but this was different. She looked sick. There were hickeys all over her neck, and Lauren was ashamed when she couldn't remember which ones were given to her by who. She had to give props to her makeup artist, because these were the darkest marks she'd ever had on her neck, even compared to Camila. She stared at herself for hours, just searching to find herself in there. Sometimes she would stroke her reflection, only to be reminded that it wasn't real. Her mind was playing tricks. She'd been sober too long. She needs a drink. She needs a drink. She needs a drink. You have a show tonight. Lauren's voice of reason echoed throughout her head. That was the only thing stopping her. She couldn't let more people down. She would just have to deal with being sober. Lauren's legs were aching so terribly, she'd never felt anything like it. She'd truly been staring at herself for hours, just standing there. Lauren couldn't tear her eyes away from the girl staring back at her. Who was that? That couldn't be her. She stroked the hickeys lining her neck and chest, bringing tears to her own eyes. She didn't dare to let one fall, though. They stayed locked there, like Lauren had trained herself to do so well lately. She was brought out her trance when she heard a knocking at her door. She walked her sore legs over to the door, opening it to see Normani. "Hi, Mani." Her voice croaked. She watched as Normani gave her a sad smile.
"Ready?"
"For?"
"To go to the meet and greet?" Normani furrowed her eyebrows. "We have a show tonight."
Lauren nodded. "I know." She looked around the room and shrugged. "Let's go."
"Hey," Normani stopped her. "You know you can always talk to me." Lauren nodded again. "Okay, well. Let's go then."
It had always amazed Lauren how well the girls covered everything up. They almost looked like a full functioning group with no serious issues. Knowing how many nervous breakdowns the girls had had recently, that was astonishing. They were friendly, they smiled, and they performed to their best ability. No one would know that just a few months before, Normani had cradled her best friend while the life was slipping away from her. No one would know that just a few months before, the hallways were filled with Camila's sobbing as she walked out of that room... followed by Dinah and Ally's pleads for help. No one would know that Lauren hadn't actually had a real conversation in weeks and no one would know that Camila cried herself to sleep every night. No one would know that Normani, Dinah, and Ally laid awake every night just worried, wondering if they would lose their friend again. No one would know. No one knew.
It was only a matter of time.