Chapter 9
I felt like I had just come out of a trance. Not sure what was going on, not entirely sure where I was; until I saw Kory standing there, watching me. His eyes, like Ari's were filled with interest and wondering. He catches my blue eyes, smiles a small smile and then frowns. He walks towards me and when he's close he stops, as if he's expecting me to run away and maybe I will, but I don't.
He reaches out for me, his hand open waiting for me to place mine in his, like Ari had wanted me to do but I couldn't. I hesitate, thinking about whether or not I should take his hand but instead of listening to my brain which was telling me no, I listened to my heart and was allowing myself to trust him.
I placed my hand in his and something inside me came together, something so strong I felt weak and once more I was reliving my memories again.
~
I walked to the front of the school, wondering where Ari was. He hadn't met me in front of my house like he usually did, but it made sense though. I had gotten into a fight with him and we hadn't made up. The past couple of nights I had looked from my window into his but he was never there. Sometimes though, when the window shades were closed and there was a light in his room, I'd see his silhouette at his desk, writing.
The air was cold, sending a cool breeze back and forth which passed my hair and allowed it to flow around me. Today I was going to say sorry to him, today I was going to make it all up to him. Today was the day that everything was going to change.
Almost to the school, I looked at my watch. It read seven 'o' clock. School doesn't start til seven forty-five but Ari and I always came before everyone else, to give us time to catch up and talk without being bothered.
The school insight I walked towards the back, where Ari and I had a secret meeting spot we found when we were freshmen. It was hidden behind the trees, but in view of the school and still on the grounds so we couldn't be in trouble for being off of them. Hearing a rustle of the leaves, I knew Ari was there.
I put a smile on my face and ran to our spot, hoping he'd be there, hoping he'd accept my apology. I called out, "Ari!" there was no answer. "Ari you there?" another rustle of the leaves. "Ari! Come out! I'm sorry!"
Still no answer, I kept running and finally there, I saw nothing. I sighed in frustration and yelled in anger. "Damn it, Ari." I sat below the tree, hearing the rustle of the leaves again, I reached for my bag and searched through it, trying to find my phone to text him, retrieving it, I sent Ari a text.
Where are you? Was what I sent him, seeing the little box say "message sent" made me feel a little bit better until I heard my ring tone. Back when we first got our phones, Ari and I had gotten them at the same time, we chose our ring tone. They'd been the same since middle school, never changing because it was our song.
Belle of the Boulevard started to play but I couldn't find the source. The sound was neither far or near, close to me or away so I started to listen for it, as I walked aimlessly around the area, finally coming to a stop.
The song ended and I looked up, there he was. Hanging there, clothes pressed and cleaned almost as if he wanted to look nice for the day of his death. I clenched my fist and felt the tears come to my eyes as I realized the mistake Ari had made. My legs buckled and I fell to my knees crying.
I wanted to scream and ask Ari why he did it, but it's not like he'd answer. The tree he was hung by was the weeping willow; the tree Ari loved the most. The noose that had him by the neck was made up of a blanket, one that was familiar to me and I realized that it was the one I had given him for his tenth Christmas.
Something inside of me broke, not once, not twice, but a million times over. Maybe it was my heart, maybe it was my soul or maybe it was my hope that things were finally going to be okay between us. I sat there, not realizing that people were coming to the school and instead of going to the teachers inside, so they could deal with it, I called Ari's parents and then the police.
I didn't know how I was going to explain to them what Ari had done, I just told them they needed to come here, that he needed them. By the time both calls ended, I reached up and touched Ari's hand, which was so cold and lifeless but what was there, surprised me.
A letter addressed to me, instead of reading it, I placed it into my pocket, wondering if I should read it now or later, or even rip it up into a million pieces. I could hear the police cars coming to the school; I could the Simmons calling out my names.
"Cass! Ari!" they call out. "Where are you?"
I'm tempted to run to them and bring them to where Ari was, but instead I call out so softly, "I'm here! We're here!" The tears well up in my eyes and then they begin to flow, endlessly almost as if they were a river or a waterfall. They don't stop, they can't and when Ari's parents and the officers were them finally find us, my eyes are red and they sting.
"Cassandra Rosen?" one of the officer asked me. He was a male, tall and dark, his blue suit fitted him well and his badge shined from the sunlight hitting it.
"Yes," I whisper.
"What happened here?" he asks me, he puts his hand out and pulls me up.
"I don't know," I feel so out of it. The tears are still there, flowing like there was no tomorrow and I realize that Mrs. Simmons is crying too. Crying for another son she lost, but Mr. Simmons was standing there, looking up at his son, dangling from the make shift noose.
"Ms. Rosen", the other officer, a female looks at me. "Do you know why this happened?"
I shake my head no, but it's a lie. I know why it happened but I couldn't say, I wouldn't say. Not until after everyone hears what happened, not until all of this passes. "No, I'm sorry."
She nods at me and gives me a reassuring smile then looks away and speaks into her walkie-talkie in some kind of police code, probably asking more police to come and investigate what had happened.
~
I sat there at my desk, looking at the note in one hand and the necklace in the other. I had unclasped the necklace and took it off, which I hadn't done, ever since Ari had given it to me the day he returned home from New York.
The note was more of a letter, I was guessing. It felt heavier to be only one piece of paper, but then again everything now seemed heavier. My confused thoughts, my feelings, everything. Mrs. Simmons had stopped by earlier, in tears without Mr. Simmons by her side. I was guessing that he had left town and gone to some local bar to drink and figure out his next move.
Mrs. Simmons had come to my house and handed me a book, something I had seen once or twice in Ari's room not only a few weeks before. She told me written in the front was dedication of some sort, it read: If found please give to Cassandra Rosen; my best friend forever and always.
She told me she hadn't read it, felt wrong if she did. When she gave me the journal, she also gave me Ari's bracelet, the one that he had worn since his brother's death. There was this one time he told me a story about it, the story doesn't come to mind now but it'll come. His stories always do.
I had taken the journal from her and rushed up the stairs to read it, but didn't. Not yet anyway. So here, I was sitting there, a journal in front of me, a letter in my hand and a necklace in the other. Not entirely sure what to do with any of them, I took the necklace and read the inscription once more.
Forever my friend. I love you. That's what was inscribed on the back and I wonder if he loved me so much, why did he leave me to think about his death, alone. I slipped the necklace back on and touched it with my hand, remembering the moment he had given it to me.
I reached for the note and opened it slowly, reading the words carefully.
Cassandra,
Over the summer I had wrote these poems and I thought of you as I wrote them. The poems written here may fill you in on why I did this. Why I killed myself. I know you'll hate me for doing it, taking away my life because I know taking my life away is like taking yours and I'm sorry but I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend that I was okay and I knew that you were here to talk to but I couldn't hurt you anymore.
I didn't deserve you as a friend, I didn't deserve anyone. You were the best, someone I could go to when I needed help and I guess I took that for granted and I feel so bad. I loved you, you were like a sister to me and I know you wish it was more. I tried so hard to try to make that happen but I couldn't. Just think about it, how could a boy like me not love a girl like you?
I guess we were different, but you accepted me anyway. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me and thank you for being my safety net but now you're free of a burden.
Forever and Never
There are words that people say
That they don't always mean
Like the words forever and never
Because words aren't as they seem
People who say forever don't know the meaning
Forever means the end of time
And forever is just a word
That's just a lie in disguise
As is never
A word that people use
They say, "I'll never do this"
But in truth they always do
I could no longer stay here
I no longer believed
I used to look forward to forever
But now I guess I can't
Being who I am
I'll never
Be like the others
Because forever I know what I am
And what I am is a sin
Nothing More
I look at myself
Holding a mirror in my hand
Looking at my reflection
And wonder who I am
There's something I've never told anyone
Something no one should know
I know what it's like to be afraid
I know what it's like to be alone
There's someone staring at me
Their eyes filled with pain
They look like they're dying
And I can tell that it's me
I'm dying inside
Every time I look into the mirror
I see my face and know I'm a disgrace
To those around me
So I have to end this
End this all
Go away
So nothing falls
Out of place
That's where I am
I'm nothing more
And that's what I'll be
Until it's time for me to say
Goodbye
A Smile
When someone smiles
You never know
What's behind that smile
Because a smile is a mask
A lot of people think
Smiles are a sign of happiness
But sometimes they can't be
Because smiles represent so much more
A smile is a mask
Something a person hides behind
A smile is a façade
An act, a lie
A smile is what someone does
When they are not only happy
But in pain
And in sorrow
People use a smile all the time
To keep things hidden
From those around them
They use it as an excuse
They take advantage of it
The abuse it
And they use it over and over again
But it never gets old
A smile is forever
And never
Smiles are true
And are lies
Smiles can be happiness
But my smile is the disguise
Of pain
She Is...
She's the one I go to
Someone I could talk to
She's the girl I lean on
The one who is my shoulder to cry on
She's everything to me
She helps me up when I fall
She's there to pick up the pieces
No matter how small
She's like a pocketful of sunshine
Smiling like there's no tomorrow
Giving me a reason to be happy
Giving me a reason to live
She's the reason why I laughed
The reason why I stayed
She's the reason why I did this
To make all the bad things go away
She loved me for who I was
She loved me for I am
She loved me after everything
She's what kept me up to stand
She stood by my side
Every day since we were small
She's like the wind
Strong and fierce
But calm and soothing to all
She's like a lullaby
Something sweet and something soft
She's the one thing I had
The one thing I could keep
The one thing I could love
The one thing I could hold
The one thing I took for granted
She was my safety net
She was what caught me when I fell
She was what kept alive in this living Hell
She was my safety net
Something to keep me going
The thing is though
Safety nets break
And I broke this
I broke her
And I broke myself
She was all I had
And now I'm gone
So now it's over
And now she can move on
~
Putting down the last poem, I feel the tears come back. They aren't for sorrow though, they are for my anger and my stupidity. I cry for the longest time, my thoughts an incomplete puzzle. The poems are heartbreaking but they seem so full of truth. Is that what I was to him? A safety net? Am I reason the reason why he killed himself? So I no longer needed a burden. Inside I feel so guilty, inside I feel so alone. I wonder if I should give the poems to his mother, let her read them but something tells me don't.
I look at myself in the mirror, the day washing over me and the tears flowing like a waterfall. And in my eyes I saw something, probably the truth of it all; This wasn't the end, it was only the beginning of something more.
~
Written by Christina aka BeautifulWriter224
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Copyright November 9, 2010
All Rights Reserved.