~We went home and I felt so much better being able to... be there for Jared, but this time not to find his socks, but to start lifting his spirit up again. ~
I tossed and turned in the bed for an hour now.
It was 2 two in the morning.
After we got home with Jared we went to sleep right away as we set the alarm for six in the morning. We wanted to be out in the wild early to have a rather quiet hiking experience but for some reason I couldn't sleep.
Yesterday I was so sure I will talk to Jared about my plans of leaving, but I just couldn't after seeing him in that "lonely state of mind" in the past week of his holiday and then yesterday at the studio.
To think about it, usually he is full of ideas, creating something almost every day. There were times when he had free days, but still he would call the band and me up at seven in the morning because he has this amazing song or music video idea and he just need to shoot some beta-scenes while his vision is sharp.
But the last months he only focused on Gucci and the new album but other than that he spent his free time in front of the tv or in bed with girls.
I thought it is some type of recharging but it's dragging on way too long.
I sighed getting out of bed and made my way down to have some water.
As I walked towards the kitchen, I rubbed my eyes, looking into the living room where I saw Jared laying on the couch in front of the dim light of his computer in his lap.
I frowned walking closer and had a look on his screen.
It was an article what read: Jared Leto has just been called a creep on twitter who is sliding into the DM's of models between the ages of 18-25. Leto did not respond to the accusation of predatory behavior.
There were other tabs open what I could see, such as "Why Leto's Joker was a failure." "Everything wrong about...", "Leto treats his fans like..."
Then the tabs were so tiny I couldn't read more but I didn't want to. I saw them all along the road.
All the accusations throughout the years. All the posts out of jealousy, out of hatred. I knew that Jared fucked up couple times, but I also knew what was true and what wasn't.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" I sighed and he shivered raising his hand to close the laptop, but he probably realized I saw it already anyway.
"I'm just trying to figure out why am I such a fucking looser," he stated cold and shoved the laptop onto the coffee table and sat up resting his head in his palms still looking at the screen.
I looked at him sadly.
He now just went down this rabbit hole. He has seen it all already, he has been through this but now he just decided to torture himself a bit more.
"Let me tell you why," I said sitting down next to him, grabbing the laptop away and started to type things.
I felt his eyes on me.
Soon I put the computer in front of him.
"You are a looser because you were searching with the wrong key words," I said with a smile.
He looked at the screen where I just put in his name and the word best, and now all the headlines he could read were:
"Best Jared Leto movies", "Jared Leto best of 2017," "Reasons Jared Leto's Joker is the best version" , "List of awards received by Leto in the past years", "Leto's best performances on stage and screen", "Leto: Our audience is the best", "Jared Leto's still killing it"
"Start reading, Mister," I smiled. "And the best part is that in a week you are going to be surrounded by people who know you and love you and the band, and you can be on stage. You can rock their world and they will rock yours."
He was just looking to the screen lost in thoughts and I smiled as I patted his knee then stood up to leave, but he grabbed my wrist what made me turn back uncertain.
He was looking up at me and I was watching him, waiting for him to say something but then he looked at his hand holding my wrist and he let it go.
"Thank you," all he said, and I smiled gently.
"It's all you, Jared. But... welcome," I started to walk away.
"Don't you... wanna stay here, just a bit?" he asked, and I nodded walking back.
"If you'd like to," I nodded and sat back next to him looking at the computer rubbing my bare knees with my hands.
"You know you are the best assistant I can ever wish for," he stated and I looked to him.
"Well... thanks..."
"I mean it. You do so much more. We basically live together because you care so much and I just wanted to thank you that," he explained. "Sometimes I feel like we are in a relationship only the best part is missing," he laughed, and I frowned with a smile.
"Yeah... sometimes it feels like that... true," I chuckled uncertain pushing my hair behind my ear then looked at the laptop. "So... do... umm... wanna talk or watch something?"
"Avery, I know you are going to quit," he stated firm and I looked at him stunned.
"You... know?"
He nodded.
"Now I do," he looked into my eyes and I pressed my lips.
Fuck.
"I... look, the reason..."
"I know the reason. I used you. I took advantage of your heart, your personality, your empathy. I was aware of that. I just took you for granted. I remember how I did everything to avoid the conversation about you leaving when I got bettter. I hated the thought because you were so good to me, you knew the real me and you took all my shit, you understood me, you never questioned me and never judged. And I was holding onto you like a parasite. Feeding my ego through you and I..."
"Jared... stop," I asked raising my hand. "Don't act like it's your fault. I didn't leave. I didn't even think about leaving until recently. I gave you the power because I was the one doing everything even without you asking," I smiled gently, and I felt like taking his hand into mine. "You are a good person. A unique, hard-working, talented, brutally honest but down to Earth man, who knows exactly what he wants. And I loved working for you, with you. I loved watching you achieve your dreams. I feel super thankful for letting me into your world. And I can still be there for you, no doubt. I have learned a lot from you day to day. It's just... it is time for... for..."
"For your dreams," he finished. "I wish you all the luck in your future. You deserve it."
I just looked into his eyes uncertain.
This is it.
It's his goodbye.
He looked at me then away, slowly pulling his hand out from my light grip.
He stood up and walked towards the stairs.
"Hey! What about the hike in the morning?" I asked jumping up from the couch.
"I think I'll skip, Avery. I need some sleep; we going to start the rehearsals in a day," he said walking upstairs.
I just looked after him and nodded repeatedly as I felt teardrops making their way down my cheeks.
As my legs started to take me upstairs it felt like I was not in control of them. I wasn't thinking as I opened the door to his room.
I wasn't thinking at all; I had no idea what came to me. All I knew is that I don't want this to be the last time I see him.
He was standing by his bed, ready to take off his tank top when he looked back then turned all the way looking at me.
"Av?" he asked as the light from the lamp on the nightstand lit up his confused facial expression.
I just walked towards him and when I was close enough, I reached up to cup his face with my hands.
"Are you... crying?"
I raised to my tiptoes watching his lips and my heart started to beat faster, leaning in.
It's all lost anyway.
He said his goodbyes, he ditched our plans, I might as well just take a shot if what I felt in the last couple days was real... If all the small things between us meant something or were just innocent actions of friendship. If I don't try, I'll never know.
But I got an answer way too early for it.
Before I could close the distance between us, he grabbed my shoulders pushing me away as he stepped back also.
"Avery, what the hell are you doing?" he asked out of breath and just like I woke from a dream I blinked focusing on him.
What was I waiting for?
That we kiss and if it is nothing special, we are going to laugh it off?
Or if we kissed that could be our last goodbye? Or that it could be that so called "best part" he mentioned in our "relationship"?
Whatever kind of scenario was in my head when I started to run up the stairs, surely wasn't this one.
Looking at Jared's widely open eyes, I have just realized that I have probably lost all the trust he built up towards me. And to be honest, I think I'll never trust myself again either.
All I knew that it was time to leave.
I started to back off with trembling body.
Do I say something? Do I act cool, do I make a joke?
Nah, it doesn't matter.
It's over anyway.
I ran down the stairs and grabbing my bag I left.
"Avery wait, please!" I heard him calling from the top of the stairs, but I couldn't face him. Not now.
In my shorts and top I was calling a taxi in the middle of the night walking further from the house as quick as I can.