"They got to us Bob," Benjamin said and there was a haunted look on in his eyes. "They said that you and Beatrice were dead."
"Well, obviously that was a goddamn lie," I noted.
"So where's Beatrice?" Frankie wanted to know. I noticed he had a similar haunted look in his eye as Benjamin. In fact, everybody except Ronnie was looking like they had been through some serious shit. She was the only one looking fresh if only a little flustered. I had so many questions, all beginning with what the fuck?
"What the fuck happened to you guys?" I asked. "Was it the agents?"
"They said they were federal agents," Benjamin muttered, "but feds don't act like that."
"They're not supposed to act like that," Stanley whispered.
"You're avoiding the question, Bob," Natalie insisted. "Where's Beatrice?"
"No idea," I admitted, "but I'm still alive, and I'm a lot easier to kill than Beatrice. She's usually the one doing the killing."
Ronnie just stared at me in shock. She'd been following the flow of the conversation with what can only be described as mild annoyance as she looked from person to person. That comment brought her attention to focus directly on me. It only just occurred to me to wonder what the hell she was doing there with the guys.
"How the fuck can you talk so casually about killing?" Ronnie wanted to know. She looked around at the group with distrust now, gripping the taser tightly. "I thought you were supposed to be the good guys."
"Ronnie, will you please chill the fuck out?" I snapped.
"Um, nobody in this room has killed anybody," Benjamin said, looking around the room for confirmation. "Right guys?"
Everybody nodded.
I raised my hand cautiously. "I tried to shoot someone. Does that count?"
"Did you try to shoot them with your teeth?" Natalie growled at me.
Ronnie rubbed her face, obviously stressed out.
"You're still talking about killing people!"
"We're talking about Beatrice killing people. Big difference," Frankie quipped and shrugged at the looks from everyone. "What? It's true: she kills everybody."
"What the hell are you even doing here?" I asked Ronnie.
"Claude sent me to get you," she said. "Which reminds me: gimme your phone, don't ask why just hand it over."
I handed it over and Ronnie set to work on it while she talked.
"I was actually supposed to reach out to all of these guys when the feds released them, but then they all showed up here. That technically makes my job easier, but it's kind of a lot freaky, you know?"
She managed to pull out the SIM card from the phone and like some weird magic trick, produced an almost identical phone from her pocket.
"What do you mean 'Claude sent you?'"
"I'm on a mission from Claude!"
"Did you just Blues Brothers me?"
"She's really your cousin?" Frankie asked, coolly appraising Ronnie as she inserted my SIM card into the new phone.
Ronnie gave him the stink-eye, the same time that I raised my eyebrow at him, almost identical expressions. If you've ever grown up in close proximity to your cousins like we had done, you end up being more like siblings who slept in different houses. There's a closeness there that a lot of people will never understand, especially how we'd be ready to fight to the death for each other, even if we'd been viciously attacking each other seconds before. Frankie got the resemblance immediately and raised his hands in surrender.
"Yeah, she is. You can have her if you want." I turned back to Ronnie and neatly dodged a play-punch from her. That got me a wicked glare. "So back to our thing: What the fuck is going on?"
Ronnie threw the phone to me and I caught it neatly. It was identical to my phone but it felt heavier somehow. Weird.
"Long story short, I'm working for Madame Vera, Claude is also working for Madame Vera and Harry wants your heads on a platter. The vampire feds think you guys are a terrorist cell and that Beatrice is your leader."
"How? Why? She got stabbed in the eyeball!" I pointed out.
That got everybody's attention. Natalie looked like she was going to have a heart attack.
"She got stabbed in the what?"
"Right in the eyeball."
(the knife slams into Beatrice's eye)
Nasty.
(blood spurts into the air)
She'll be fine though.
(the point of the knife slams through the back of her skull)
This is Beatrice we're talking about, remember?" I faltered, not sure of what I was saying anymore, my bravado ringing false even to my own ears. There it was, that feeling of unease that came with the memory of the knife pushing its way out of the back of Beatrice's head. I shook it off and soldiered on. "She's a fucking badass guys!"
There was silence for a moment and some awkward looks except for Stanley, who just shook his head and stared at the floor as if trying to burn a hole through it. Seriously, what the fuck was going on with him?
"This just makes me wonder... who was the even bigger badass who managed to stab Beatrice in the eye?" Frankie asked quietly.
I went to answer and then stopped myself. "That's where it gets a little complicated," I said evasively, really not wanting to tell them about Louise's return yet, not quite sure what to tell them. I wasn't even sure what I thought of it yet, but the couple of days I'd spent being tortured by the agents had put a few things into perspective. I just had to think about them while not actually being tortured.
"That would be Louise," Ronnie said and shrugged at my annoyance and the expressions of shock from everyone else. "The Feds got it all on camera and they somehow think you guys had something to do with it. Go figure."
"Louise? As in Bob's Louise?" Natalie was trying to keep up.
"Isn't she supposed to be dead?" Frankie was a little more direct.
"That's exactly what I told her!" I didn't know who to answer, so guess who I picked. The easy answer is always the safest.
"Wait, Louise is a terrorist?" Benjamin was finally making some connections.
"She killed a bunch of agents, blew up some shit, and stabbed Beatrice in the eye, so kinda sorta yeah." Ronnie shrugged and glanced at me. "At least that's what they're calling her."
"I admit I was terrified, so definitely a good name," I admitted.
"Is that why they arrested us?" Benjamin still looked perplexed.
I flashed on the sarcophagi with the Old Masters that Louise had been trying to steal and caught a warning look from Ronnie. I shut the fuck up about that particular factoid. Claude was heavily involved and I definitely needed to find out what the actual fuck was going on.
"It's a little more complicated than that, but Claude will have to fill you in. What he needs for you to do right now is go your separate ways and go on as if nothing has happened. Resume your lives as if the feds aren't watching you and gathering evidence. This little meetup with all of you together is exactly what he doesn't want happening."
"But we always meet up! It's kind of our thing." Benjamin looked scandalized and a little panicked.
"You look like conspirators! Find a new thing."
"We're still trying to figure out what the hell just happened to us!" Natalie protested. "All of us! What the hell are we supposed to do."
"I dunno, use Skype?"
"Guys, she's right," I said quietly. "We might be dealing with some epic levels of stupidity or just plain evil. They're not looking at the evidence which obviously says something different than what they're saying. They've already built a whole story about what happened and now they're pushing us into the roles they've made for us."
"Look at the big brains on Bob," Ronnie admitted with amazement. "Exactly what he said."
"So we're being framed?" Benjamin was scandalized.
"That's not fair!" Natalie said.
"Sounds about right," Frankie said and shrugged when we all looked at him. "Oh come on you guys: none of this should surprise you. We're the runts of the pack, the weak ones. We're expendable."
"One hundred percent everything you just said," Ronnie agreed. "Look, just do what Claude says. Trust him on this and maybe we can all get through this next part alive. Seriously. " She glanced at a non-existent watch on her hand. "Oh, look: is that the time? I don't know about you guys, but I'm the only human here and since I don't have the luxury of coming back from the dead when we get attacked by the vampire fucking academy: I'm outta here."
Ronnie stalked out of the door before I had time to think. I called after her.
"You can't leave! I have questions!"
"Text me!" She yelled back and I could tell she wasn't even bothering to pause in her escape.
"What did you mean you work for Madame Vera?" I tried again.
I got no answer.
###AUTHOR'S NOTE###
Hope this answers some questions. And raises a hell of a lot more of them, but that's the nature of things. And just what is going on with Stanley anyway?
Soundtrack this week is the Eels. Check out the album "Essential Eels" for a great listening experience.