I'm Good
I nodded and exited the room. Why does he need me to wait for him? Am I in trouble? I swear, if he wants to know more about me I'm gonna flip out, I just told those guys more than I have to anyone in my entire life. I don't know about them, but that takes a lot of strenght for me to do that.
"Ana?" Steve exited the room.
"Yes, Cap?"
"Can I walk you to your room?"
"Sure" I smiled. Sure?
He smiled back and began walking. We were walking in silence. But it was a comfortable silence. He opened his mouth a few times like he wanted to say something, but decided against it every time. Finally, as we were climbing the stairs to all of our rooms, he spoke.
"Is it hard for you?"
I thought for a moment, but still didn't quite understand what he was getting at, "Is what hard?"
"Continuing your life after being asleep for so long. New people, different times. Is it difficult?"
"It's not really, I'm fine." Sure I am. I tried to change the subject "Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course." he answered.
"Did you listen to everybody's life stories like you did to mine?"
"No, we know about each other what we say in the group and that's it. Stark just thinks you need someone closer to you and he probably thought this will make it easier for you to open up to me. Which brings us to my question again. So, will you answer it truthfully?" well, my subject-changing sure didn't work.
He must've noticed my jaw clench.
"You can share anything you want with me, you know? I know how it feels." he stopped and put his hands on my shoulders "I know we didn't speak a lot in the past months, but you know we can relate a lot to each other. And now I know that life hasn't been the best for you since the beginning. I noticed you pressed down everything you felt while you were talking about your family and your past life. It's okay to feel. And to show your feelings. You don't have to be scared of it."
He was right. He was so so right. Almost too right. He pressed every button right. And I hated to admit it. I was scared, terrified of showing my feelings. I didn't even want to show that I was scared of being scared. The feelings themselves scared me. It was such an unknown thing to me. Like riding a bike for the first time. You were scared that you'll fall. Fear is the only emotion I felt for years. Fear, hatred, anger, anxiety, terror. After all the bloodshed I saw and I was the reason for, I'm terrified of such a simple thing - emotion.
"I know you are scared, okay?" Steve interrupted my thoughts "It's okay to be. Bucky had a hard time with his emotions and mind too." he said with a reassuring smile.
"Thank you" I managed to get out as I felt my eyes fill up with tears. Another thing I'm not used to, people caring for me. And crying. "But I said I'm fine."
I can't let my guard down just because he looks good and is so kind and generous and perfect and a literal opposite of me. I'm suprised someone like him can look someone like me in the eyes. I can't even imagine what he thinks of me. I'm broken and messed up. Hurt. But I hurt other people even more. Every time someone gets close to me I'm scared that I'll hurt them. I'm scared that I'll hurt the people I care about. That's why I try not to care about people. Can't live through more heartbreaks. If that's even possible.
"It's okay" he said as he pulled me in a hug, he had to feel me flinch as he did so "It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling."
I stood still, stiff as a plank of wood, for a few secodns.
I did manage to wrap my arms around his waist. I enjoyed this. A hug. A simple thing that means 'you mean something'. That simple thing just broke decades of walls that surrounded my emotions and I felt it all spill out. I didn't know that's all it took for me to open up. Just a hug. I don't even remember when is the last time I was hugged.
"There it is." he gently tapped my back as he felt me relax.
"Thank you, Cap. Nobody ever cared for my feelings before." I managed to get out thru tears.
"Well they didn't deserve you then." he smiled.
"I feel lost here. Like I don't belong." I admit.
"I know, I know. It'll go away."
"I feel like I don't have anybody. I almost never even did."
"You have the Avengers and you have me now, we relate to each other, we can talk about anything that bothers you, okay? I feel sympathy towards your situation because it was mine before. We make it easier to be here and now, together. Deal?" he said looking me in the eyes.
"Deal" I chuckled.
"I feel you, remember that. You're not alone."
"Guys, we-" Natasha said as she looked around the corner "Oh I'm so sorry for barging in, but we are watching a movie if you wanna come?" she smiled awkwardly and pointed towards the movie room.
I quickly build up some walls again and wiped my tears off. That's how much I feared emotion. And that's how good I was in hiding it.
"Sure, Nat" I smiled turning around to face her "we were just talking, no biggie."
Steve looked at me confused but decided not to make things complicated.
"We'll be on our way soon." he smiled to Natasha and she disappeared in the hallway.
"What was that?" he asked worryingly looking me in the eye looking all serious again.
"What was what?"
"Did you just play me here? Was our conversation just a joke to you?" he asked me with disgust.
"No, no, of course not" I quickly replayed. I suddenly felt fear. I was scared that he'll hate me now even though he was just the only one who made his way to my emotions and I wanted it to stay that way. Nat was my friend, but, she didn't know my whole life story nor she seemed interested in feelings in general. "No, I'm sorry it feels that way... I-I just don't know, I don't understand it and I-"
"Then what was that? How did you just turn to Natasha like nothing happened?"
"I'm a spy, hun, I can act. I've been hiding my feelings inside of me my whole life, you don't think that makes me a professional?" I smiled sadly.
"Why did you choose to open up to me then? Not that I'm complaining just... why? I knwo I asked you to, but I didn't realise you were this guarded. I'm sorry if I was out of line, I-"
"You and Tony are the only ones who know my life story. Nobody and I mean nobody alive knows how I got here where I am now besides you guys. Nobody ever cared. And I already opened up to him when he found me. That happened because I was genuinely lost. Physically and emotionally lost. I couldn't care less if he would kill me at that point or in prison me or whatever. I just needed somebody. And you. You were here in the right time with the right words. And the hug. I don't remember when was the last time someone hugged me. Except the few taps on the back when I came here. That was kind of something that triggered the part of me that can still feel stuff, I don't have the slightest idea what it's feeling, but it is. A very small part of me but you found it. I never really had a friend that made me feel like I was safe and I knew I could trust with my life. A lot of them said that but it didn't feel like that. You are different. And I'm glad you are like this." I sadly smiled again barely lifting the ends of my lips. I rambled a whole bunch today, it really made me feel stupid.
"I-I'm sorry for accusing you of lying. I didn't know it was that hard for you I-"
"It's okay. I understand it. You just feel like a someone I could lean on to when I don't have the strength to walk forward anymore. I've never had that."
"Thank you. I appreciate that." he smiled "Shall we go watch the movie? It'll end before we even come"
"Sure, lets go." I smiled and walked down the hallway to the movie room.
"There you are. You're fifteen minutes late!" Nat fussed as soon as we walked in.
"You didn't miss anything." Clint assured us.
We sat down all the way in the back of the room since the first three rows were already filled up. The only one in the last row was Peter and he was on his phone.
"Hey Pete, how are you?" I whispered as I took the seat next to him.
"Oh hey Miss, I'm good thank you. How are you doing with all the new stuff?" he smiled looking up from his phone.
"I'm good now, thanks for asking." I smiled looking to my right were Cap sat looking at the big screen "I'm good now."