Sleep hadn't been on the cards that night.
I spent most of the early hours of the morning pacing the training yard, trying to keep my head clear and my body ready. Nervous twitches were few and far between now, but my heart was thrumming like crazy.
This is it...One mistake and I'm gonna die...
Slowly, people began filtering into the area. It didn't surprise me, as I knew word travelled light the speed of sound through the barracks, but I only had my eyes peeled for a few specific people. Marco was the first of those people to arrive, quickly followed by Reiner and a few of my fellow training cadets. Jean wouldn't even look in my general direction, but that didn't bother me. I told myself it didn't bother me one bit.
It was only when Levi arrived, along with his squad, that I made any move to approach anybody. The moment I got close enough, Eld pulled me under his arm and squeezed my shoulder.
"You've got this, kiddo..." He murmured, though he really didn't sound sure of himself.
"You're shaking, brat. Get a hold of yourself. Zachary won't look twice at a coward." Levi smacked me lightly over the back of my head, and I gritted my teeth. I was ready to snap at the captain, but Eld beat me to the verbal punch.
"With all due respect, Sir...back off."
He's right, though...Cruel, but right...
Shrugging out of Eld's arm, I didn't say a word as I made my way to the middle of the training yard. I had sensed the commander approaching, and I wanted to hurry up and get this over with. Tall, blond and thick-browed, Erwin passed through the crowd with ease, flanked by the familiar face of Shadis, and an unknown man.
So, this is who holds my life...
"(Y/N) (L/N), I presume." The premier nodded to me once, and I did the same; not trusting myself to open my mouth. "Why are you not in uniform?"
"Sir, I agreed to allow her to refrain from wearing the official uniform for this trial. I believe I explained earlier why that is..." Erwin looked tense, but he was ever the smooth talker.
Cattle...just like the rest of them...
Zachary scrunched his nose, but didn't say anything more on the matter. I already knew I hated him, because I couldn't quite see his eyes through the lenses of his glasses.
"Very well...Let's see it, then. Impress me, (L/N). I'm well aware of what's at stake if you fail to do so."
It was as though I was being paraded in front of a potential owner. If I hadn't had such an emotional revelation the night before, I would have requested to be put down on the spot, but now I had no choice. I had to do whatever I could to survive.
I promised Dimitri...
"Then what is it that I have to do..?" I pushed my question towards Shadis, of all people, and he narrowed his eyes.
"A team run. Take down all the dummy titans, and stay in formation with three of the scouts from the regiment. Any falter, or any misbehavior, and that's the end of your line, girl..."
Team..? Of course that's what they ask of me...
My weakness. I wasn't good with keeping in line, and I found that other people got in my way. I had to stay completely focused if I wanted to keep myself alive, and that was easier said than done.
"Fine..." Struggling not to roll my (E/C) eyes, I waited impatiently to see who the unlucky bastards were.
Three survey corps stepped out from the crowd, and I glared at them suspiciously. One had blond hair, parted down the centre, with a defined nose. The other two didn't have many distinctive features, but they still made me feel uncomfortable.
"(L/N), this shall be your team. Mike Zacharias, Wendell Thorne and Hilda Littlemore." Erwin told me their names, but I didn't pay any attention, as a certain defined nose began to sniff at the crown of my head.
Hoooooooooly fuck, this isn't okay..!
"Hmmm..." The one who I assumed was named Mike; the only name I caught, smirked a little before straightening up, leaving me a confused, sheepish mess. The last thing I needed.
"These three will not only be your team, but show you just how skilled you need to be when out on the field. Crossing wires, avoiding collisions...listening to orders..."
Orders..? Fuck...
"As a squad leader, Zacharias here will be leading you." Shadis' face was smug, and I wanted to slap him with the force of a million cannons, but I held my fist tight by my side. "Do you understand, cadet..?"
"Yes..." I looked down to the ground, knowing what was coming.
"Yes what, girl..?" Premier Zachary urged me on, trying to make me say that one word I hated more than anything.
Pigs...
"Yes...Shadis..." The sound of them all clenching their jaws was almost deafening to me, let alone the murmuring of our audience.
"I..in formation, cadet..." I didn't have to look up to know what kind of expression Zachary was wearing, so I quickly spun on my heel and followed the others to the treeline.
I can do this...maybe? Orders aren't what I stick to...especially not when the one calling the shots just snorted my scalp...
My palms suddenly felt sticky as I reached to grab my odm grips, and the faint rattling of the steel made me hyper aware of how much I was shaking.
"Y..you can do this, (Y/N)!" My head whipped around in time to see Marco be jabbed in the ribs by Jean, who was telling him to keep quiet. He then proceeded to lock eyes with me, giving me a firm nod.
I don't want your support, you dick...
"On my signal..!" I hadn't expected such a voice to come out of Mike. He seemed to be a strong silent type, but obviously he was cut out to be a leader. "Forward!"
It was on. Launching into the air, I tried to keep in formation. I wasn't even sure what that formation actually was, but it felt like it was correct. Nobody was talking, which was a relief for the most part, but also confusing. I didn't even bother paying attention to hand signals or the likes.
I'm up shit creek without a paddle..!
My body moved on it's own when the first dummy popped up, and nobody else had time to react before there was a deep, splintered slit in its makeshift nape.
"How the fuck did she move so fast..?" The woman to my left muttered to herself in shock, but I tried to ignore her. I knew it was the complete opposite of what I was supposed to be doing, but I just couldn't help it.
Three more popped up and met their demise as we swung along, and not once did any of the others get a look in. I was blitzing their little game, and no teamwork was required.
"I'm calling for the next one!" I glanced over my shoulder to the man who was beside and behind me, and completely disregarded the agitated look on his face.
We aren't little kids...You can't call shotgun in these situations...
My pettiness showed its ugly colours when the next dummy sprung out of the undergrowth, and I moved just a touch faster than I had been with the previous ones. The scout had to pull back in a hurry before slamming into me, and I simply turned a blind eye.
"(L/N), you little shit! That was Wendell's!" Again, the woman spoke, but this time there was a harsh bite to her tone. One I didn't at all appreciate.
"Remain in formation next time, (L/N)!" Mike called out from behind his shoulder, but he sounded a lot less aggressive than his subordinates. For a few moments, I considered complying with his order. I very well may have if I hadn't been pulled out of my thoughts by another dummy. My mind was focused, but not on my surroundings or actions like it should have been.
This is probably the last time I'll taste even a hint of freedom...Either way, I'll be meeting an end...so...fuck it...
I was only hurled back into reality when something slammed into my side, causing me to careen dangerously close to a tree trunk. That girl; Hilda, had shoulder charged me mid-air.
"What the hell is wrong with you, you weirdo bitch?!" She hissed, already a few feet ahead of me. "You have a deathwish?!"
"Thorne! Forget it! Stay in formation!" Mike had backtracked a little, and his glare was focused on his underling. "We're almost done, so just put your head down and go!"
So...I spaced out for longer than I thought...I'm dead meat...
No more dummies popped up for the remainder of the course, and I was thankful for it. My weak shoulder was aching from the collision, but I was certain that wouldn't matter once I returned to the commander.
When we made it back, the crowd; larger than it had been before, was silent and still, and I made sure to land further back than the rest of my 'team'. Head spinning, I held my breath and waited for the inevitable.
"Your report, Zacharias?" The Premier took a step forward, hands behind his back as Mike approached him and leant down to whisper into the man's ear. My foot was tapping to the erratic thudding of my heart, and my knuckles were turning a nasty shade of white as I still gripped my handpieces.
I took them down...That should be enough...Please, let that be enough..!
"(Y/N) (L/N)...Please step forward..." My entire body was frozen when my name was called in such a flat tone, but I forced myself to move. It was as though I was wearing cinder block shoes as I trudged to stand before the three superiors, still not lifting my head. "Would you care to tell me why you blatantly disregarded the orders given to you, girl?"
Because...
Glancing up and to the side, I caught wide, worried eyes above dappled cheeks, and Marco's lips seemed to move, trying to mouth something I couldn't read.
"Because...I..I refuse to bend my will...I don't care what title someone has...I..if I don't want to follow someone...th..then I won't..."
Stop fucking stuttering, you coward!
"You do realise that this means you have failed, don't you..?" Zachary sighed, without any form of emotion. "I'll give you one last chance, because I am not a cruel man, (L/N)...Would you follow your captain into battle?"
My captain...
Levi's presence was stifling, even though I had lost sight of him. I knew the answer I was supposed to give, and the way my skin on the nape of my neck felt like it was about to burst into flames told me that he was trying to mentally order me to suck it up.
"N..not unless it was my own choice...No..." Those eight words sealed my fate. I could have easily lied, and I wasn't sure why I didn't. It just felt wrong, rolling over with my tail between my legs. I had licked enough boots throughout my childhood, and I wasn't about to begin again.
"Very well...Such a pity...I shall leave you in your Commander's hands, then..." Zachary turned to walk away, but not before looking up at his underling. "Your gambles grow darker each and every time, Erwin..."
"I am aware, Sir." The blond sighed, saluting as the Premier left the training grounds.
Now...
Meeting Erwin's eyes was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do. He had stepped closer, now towering over me with an expression I couldn't quite decipher.
At first I pinned it as anger, but the deeper I searched in those crystal eyes, I realised that it was dread.
"I assume you're prepared for what I'm about to do..?" Voice low, his brows knitted together as he pulled a pistol from a holster on his belt, and my mouth suddenly became a desert.
No...I'm...
"U..uh-huh..." I couldn't form any words, just an affirmative sound, which still tried to remain in my throat. It was obvious he didn't want to do it, but it had been one of my requests. We had made a solid deal, and I was a woman of my word.
Silently, Erwin raised the pistol so that it was pointed directly between my eyes. It was so close, and I could smell the metallic scent of the barrel I was now staring down.
This is it...
"C..Commander, p..please don't do this, Sir!" Marco yelled out, and I heard him struggle against bodies; likely Jean and Connie, to step forward. If I had any nerve, I would have turned and told him it was alright, but I couldn't, because it truly wasn't.
"Are you ready to lay down your life, (Y/N) (L/N)..?" Erwin asked that question so clearly, so morbidly, that it shook me to my core. The cock of the pistol was almost silenced by the thudding of my pulse, and I closed my eyes tightly.
"I..."
I'm not...
"...I am..." Another scuffle began behind me, but no words were uttered. I knew it was Eld, but Levi and the others would never let him interfere. Not with the Commander. I waited for the inevitable, wondering if it was going to hurt, or if I would just be sent into a pit of darkness.
Hey...Dimitri..? Looks like I'll be seeing you again sooner than I thought...Sorry, but I really fucked up...I'm no good at this whole living thing...
My distress peaked when I heard the trigger click...
...but nothing happened.
Murmers and gasps flowed from the crowd, but I couldn't understand a thing. Panting, sweating and shaking all over, I slowly cracked a (E/C) eye open. Instead of coming face to face with the barrel of a pistol, I saw Erwin's outstretched hand.
"That's exactly what I wanted to hear. If you're ready to surrender your life for a cause, then it's all that matters. Welcome to the Survey Corps, (Y/N)."
Wh..wha...I..?
My legs gave out in an instant, and I landed on my knees in the dust. Almost hyperventilating, I clutched my chest and stared into space for god knows how long, trying to figure out what on earth was happening. Had it all been a ruse? Had Erwin agreed just so he could test my courage?
Whatever his reason, I was too shaken to be angered or upset. I couldn't even cry, even though my eyes stung with tears that threatened to fall. Things were said, people began to leave, and the entire time I just sat there in a crumpled heap, trying to make heads or tails of it all.
Life as I had known it had officially ended, but at least I still had a life. I had truly been prepared to have my grey matter splattered over the dirt, but my mind had been blown in an entirely different way.
"H..hey...Hey, come on, you need to rest..." I knew it was Marco who pulled me to my feet and wrapped an arm around my waist, but I couldn't gather enough power to muster any form of response. "That was...I mean...why would he...you...I was so scared for you, (Y/N)..."
Yeah...I was scared, too...Real fucking scared...
My eyes landed upon Erwin again, and he gave me a small, almost invisible nod. At some point, I would have to face him about this little stunt he pulled, but today was not the time for it. All I could do was lean into Marco as he started walking me back towards the barracks.
So...I'm a military dog now...huh..? Maybe a bullet would have been better...
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***I spent so many days trying to write this and I got all jumbled and it's horrible but eh. I'm still recovering from a tooth extraction and my entire face hurts.***