For the next couple of days Joy followed the doctor's orders - she would eat less before going to sleep and she also spent less time looking at any screen in the house before going to sleep. The sleeping pattern improved - not by a lot at first, but at the end of the week Joy got more hours of sleep and she would usually go to sleep at night.
The nightmares, however, did not stop.
They would wake her up in the middle of the night. She would sit in her bed in cold sweat, thinking about what she had just dreamt, but she would usually convince herself soon enough to go back to sleep.
Joy would also get more exercise, since she knew that if she would tire her body out, she would fall asleep easier. She did not want to overdo it however, she did it just enough so that she could fall asleep easier at night.
Things are getting better. Sure, the nightmares are still there, but I guess with time that too shall pass. With time and with conversations.
Wendy212: How has my princess been doing these days? ;P
Joy would chuckle at Wendy's nicknames every time she read them. She did feel there was a bit of sarcasm behind them every time Wendy wrote them, but she also knew that Wendy was just joking around so that Joy could feel a bit better during the day. She truly appreciated her conversations with Wendy, even though they've never met in real life.
Joy39: I've been feeling a bit better these days - I've went to see a therapist and he actually gave me some advice regarding my sleeping problems. So far, so good - I've been sleeping better but I still have nightmares from time to time... Most of the time :/
Wendy212: Oh :/ I'm sorry to hear that... I mean, I'm glad that at least you're sleeping better and that you are getting help.... but I'm sad about the nightmares... What are the nightmares about?
Joy39: Oh, the usual that I've been mentioning to you...
Wendy212: Oh, so flashbacks from Seoul again?
Joy39: Yeah, only more vibrant and colorful and crazy at times... But usually my mind would just replay the events that had happened.
Wendy212: Any in particular?
Joy39: Well, lately I've been having the "Gashina" dream again...
Wendy212: Wait, wait... I'll remember it... I WILL REMEMBER IT.... ugh... no, sorry, could you remind me of the "Gashina" dream? I know it's about the song "Gashina" from Sunmi, obviously, but... Sorry I can't remember more :(
Joy39: Oh, don't worry! I'm surprised you can keep up with ALL the crazy stuff that happens in my life, so hahhaha thank you for that :D
Wendy212: Gotta look out for my princess :P
Joy39: Hahahahaha and you're doing a great job so far!
Wendy212: Thank you! Anyway, the Sunmi song?
Joy39: Oh, right! It goes back to when Yeri and I were in her car. I was driving her car that evening because she wasn't "in the mood" to drive...
Wendy212: Ugh... *rolls eyes*
Joy39: Yeah... Well, anyway, we stopped near this convenience store on the side of the road just outside Seoul... We went that far out because she wanted to go for a longer drive that time... We were silent as we usually would be when we ran out of "what did you do today" topics so I turned on the radio. A random pop song would be playing and she would comment on how "today's pop music is all the same and everything just feels fake and the songs are bad" and she's generally just going on and on how rock music and punk music are the only things worth listening to... And just when I'm feeling like turning the station, Sunmi's "Gashina" comes on and she grabs my hand and stops me from turning to another station.
Wendy212: Oh I remember it now! And then she would say something like "Oh, this song is my jam!" or something...?
Joy39: "This song is the shit!" to be exact :') hahahah but yeah, you remembered!
Wendy212: Well, "Gashina" is the shit, I'm not gonna lie, she did nail that one... But why that particular song again?
Joy39: Oh, something about how Sunmi has that "bad bitch vibe" or something like that.. And that if she were ever to get involved in pop music, then she would be making those type of "bad-ass songs"... Huh... I can't imagine her doing that, getting into pop music... She played the bass in a punk group so yeah... But yeah, somehow that one pop song.... She liked it... But the reason I keep remembering and dreaming this particular scene is because she grabbed my hand but she didn't let go... She wrapped her hand loose around my wrist, even slid her fingers across my forearm a bit, but... She would never let go... And she would talk sincerely while smoking a cigarette and talking about the music industry... It was one of those rare instances where she felt... Different. Vulnerable. Like she needed someone by her side that would accept all of her - the badass Yeri and the vulnerable Yeri. We would look into each other's eyes and.... I don't know... During those moments, when she was the vulnerable Yeri, I would never want her to let go of my hand... Like I said, she looked like she needed someone by her side....
Wendy212: And of course, the angel Joy wanted to be that someone that was by her side....
Joy39: ... *Shuffles awkwardly*
Wendy212: And I think I remember how the nightmare ended... The music from the radio would get super loud and Yeri's voice would just become distorted and that would freak you out and you would wake up, correct?
Joy39: Correct! Wow... Good on you for remembering that!
There was a slight pause before Wendy wrote:
Wendy212: You know that you're sometimes too good for this world, right?
Joy39: Am not!
Wendy212: We had this conversation already! And even though you are never going to admit it, you are. And I am never going to stop pointing that out because you amaze me, honestly. Just, too good....
Joy39: Wendy... Please don't.
Wendy212: Joy.... Please don't either! So what if you messed up a little? That doesn't define who you are for the rest of your life. You are allowed to make mistakes.
Joy39: Messed up a little?! I'm a college dropout who was too scared to face certain consequences! I left my job because I didn't have enough time to get my shit together after a nasty hangover from the night before... And not just one night, 2 weeks of nights! I left college because I couldn't keep up with the work there! I was out every night drunk and actually NOT having fun with a group of people I didn't exactly like and ALL because I couldn't stay away from a person who wouldn't consider me a love interest but I just HAD to stick around because I thought they needed saving.... ALL OF THAT WHILE DOING CRIME!
Tears were building up inside of Joy's eyes.
No! No! I need to fix this! Wendy doesn't deserve my anger! Joy thought to herself while gently sobbing and shaking. She started to type but Wendy was faster:
Wendy212: I'm sorry... I didn't mean to upset you, I promise :( I just wanted to tell you that you are not a fuck-up for the rest of your life because of the mistakes you made in the past.
Wendy then added:
Wendy212: The biggest mistakes in your life don't make you who you are. They do not define you forever. It's how you deal with those situations is how you will perceive yourself and your self-worth. Sure, you ran away from your problems at first, but that's understandable... But look at you now! You're talking to me, you're talking to your parents, you are seeking out medical help, you are opening up and not shutting down... That's huge! You're eating better, sleeping better and exercising more... I know I made it light when I said "You messed up a little", but I do believe you are on the right path to recovery... And probably a better and healthier life. Again, I am sorry I upset you and I hope you can accept my apology.
Halfway through reading those messages, Joy's eyes begin to water. When she read all of them she was openly crying and sobbing. She couldn't believe someone was so open with her about all her flaws but so willing to praise her and give her the vote of confidence she needed at the moment.
Wendy212: Are you there? :/
Joy39: Yes. Please, just wait a minute.
It was at that point that Joy just fell apart and continued to cry until she couldn't cry anymore. Wendy was patient on the other side, waiting for Joy's reply.
Joy39: Are you there?
Wendy212: Yes, are you okay?
Joy39: I just had like, the biggest cry ever... Thank you so much Wendy! For the support, for listening to me, for being there.... I am so sorry I snapped, the anger wasn't meant towards you but towards myself... I still obviously have a long way to go for my full recovery... But having you by my side really helps... So thank you, once again! I love you! <3
Wendy212: I love you too! I'm just glad you're on that road of recovery... And it's okay, I forgive you if you forgive me! :)))
Joy just smiled at Wendy's words. The two really had a connection and it was apparent that they cared for each other. Joy wanted to change the subject so she asked about Wendy and her life. Wendy understood the need to change the subject so she obliged and they quickly started to talk about Wendy's job and possible career-path in the near future.
Wendy always talked big about how she was ready to take on the world and Joy admired her spirit and enjoyed Wendy's stories from her life.
After a while, the talk ended in good spirits and Joy felt relieved she didn't ruin her friendship with Wendy over a moment of anger she felt.
But why am I so angry? She thought to herself.
I need to discuss this with doctor Kim the next time I see him.