"I hate you for making me want you..."
– Nautica
❀❀❀
~ D O R O T H Y ~
November 1997
It has been two days since Damien's birthday party, and everyone in the cafeteria is still talking about it. It turns out that everyone enjoyed it, although the majority of them couldn't clearly remember what happened. Luna and Leo are great examples.
The way Luna acted around Harris earlier today gave me the impression that she doesn't remember that she was kissed by him. Leo believes that the reason why he woke up with his lips swollen is that he kissed some 'hot dude', but we all know that it was, unfortunately for him, a mere pillow.
While Harris and I are sitting at our usual table with our lunches in front of us, the twins are waiting in the queue to buy their food. Jenny left college early because of a dentist appointment.
"Dorothy, can we talk? Please?" Harris requests, fidgeting in his seat.
Of course he would want to talk about it right now. The queue is long, so the twins will take quite some time to reach our table. Sighing, I nod my head.
"I guess we have to," I say, opening my tub of grapes.
I packed fifteen grapes instead of thirteen today because there were two grapes left in the packet. Not wanting to waste food, I decided to pack them too.
"Please don't tell Luna–"
"I wasn't planning on it," I say just before I plop a grape into my mouth.
A look of relief washes over his face.
"But I'm expecting you to tell her," I add, causing him to tense up again.
"Dorothy, I c-can't–"
"Harris," I say, slowly and sternly. "She was drunk. She doesn't remember anything. Do you think it's right that she doesn't know that you kissed her?"
"I couldn't control it," he says. "I mean, it just happened!"
"Without her consent," I remind him.
"When you put it that way..." he groans, rubbing his temples. "God, I sound like a terrible person. Why am I like this?"
I shake my head.
"Harris, you are not a terrible person. You have to tell her," I say.
"...Fine. I... I'll tell her, but only when the time is right."
Personally, I think he should tell her as soon as possible. But given how regretful and worried he looks right now, I acquiesce.
"You promise?" I ask.
"I promise."
"Good," I say, smiling at him. "Now tell me, how long have you had feelings for her?"
"Feelings? I don't know what you're talking about."
He crosses his arms, while I roll my eyes.
"Seriously? Harris, I'm not an idiot. You kissed her. No point hiding it. Besides, didn't you attend the party because you were a bit jealous that she was planning to impress Reece?"
His jaw drops and his eyes pop out of their sockets.
"...How did you know?"
I smirk, recalling how he had gripped onto his carton of milk and slammed it on the table when Luna announced her intention to seduce Reece.
"I guess you made it pretty obvious, but not obvious enough for Luna to figure it out," I answer.
He sighs in defeat. There is silence during which I eat two more grapes and Harris stares ahead of us, particularly at Luna who is still stuck in the queue. I think she just whacked Leo at the back of his head. Leo must have made a weird comment, as usual.
"Luna kissed Reece," he states, breaking the silence as he continues to stare at the blonde-haired girl longingly.
"I heard," I reply.
"She never told me."
"Maybe she doesn't want anyone to know. How do you feel?"
Closing his eyes, he sighs.
"Like I'm not good enough," he replies, vulnerable and honest.
I raise my eyebrows and place my hand on his back to comfort him. He opens his eyes to look at me.
"Don't think like that," I tell him.
"Of course I'll think like that. Since we were thirteen, I have been trying to get her to love me. I mean, she loves me, yes, but she sees me as a brother. And then there's that Walker," he says, disgust laced in his tone. "He didn't even try, and he's got her head over heels for him. What makes it worse is that they actually kissed, and I didn't even know about it."
"Maybe you should try talking to her about your feelings?" I suggest.
He shakes his head.
"I can't. If she doesn't feel the same way as I feel for her – which I know is actually the case – then it will just get awkward between us. I know that none of us wants that."
I nod my head, understanding. Poor Harris.
"I have to be honest with you, Dorothy," he continues. "I thought that all of us accepted you into our group too soon. I mean, no offence, Luna, Leo, Jenny and I have been friends for six years. We only knew you for about ten minutes, and Leo got all of us to give you our phone numbers."
"Well what can I say? I am pretty fabulous," I say, grinning.
"Cocky much?" he says, smiling in amusement.
"Just stating the obvious."
"Yeah, yeah. But jokes aside, I am actually glad that you're in our group."
I smile warmly at him.
"Well, I am truly honoured."
With a wide smile, he throws his right arm over my shoulder. A short while later, Luna and Leo finally join us and we begin to chat a lot more. As we do so, my eyes somehow land on Reece, who is sitting at the 'popular' table in the middle of the cafeteria. He watches me with piercing eyes and pursed lips before, in an instant, he looks away and focuses his attention on his girlfriend, who is busy gossiping with everyone sitting at their table.
***
Date: 11th November 1997
Dear Dorothy,
It is about time you have sent me a letter. For a while, I believed that you have forgotten about this poor, old soul. Reading your letter did bring me great joy. St. Anne's is just not the same without you. Although my fellow nuns have rejoiced at your departure, I have lost the joy of having you as my companion.
It is wonderful to learn that you have made friends. They seem lovely as they accompanied you to watch the fireworks show. I have done nothing unusual during Guy Fawkes Night: watched the fireworks from the balcony and chatted with the other sisters.
I am glad that you have somehow found it in your heart to forgive your mother eventually. A true mother cannot forget her children and wants what is best for them. Whatever the reason she had to leave you here at St. Anne's, I am sure that it was for your own good.
Also, I vaguely remember you sending letters to your childhood friend. What was his name again? Is he still in your neighbourhood? If so, have you met him yet?
Principal Georgina is doing well. Sister Jane is still in her room, repenting. Your bed is still unoccupied. As for the 'farewell present' that you have left for poor Charlotte, her mattress has been disposed of. It took a whole week to get rid of the smell from the dormitory! It irked me that you filled it up with manure but, at the same time, I missed you – particularly scolding you.
Looking forward to your next letter.
Yours Sincerely,
Sister Alexa
A smile formed when I began to read the letter, but it faded away when I read the part about Reece.
Sighing, I decide to send the letter I wrote right after Damien's party. I need her advice and I trust her judgement. After editing my letter, adding answers to her questions, I stuff the letter into an envelope. After informing mother of my intention, I leave the house and slip the envelop into the red post box. As I do so, I notice Reece standing at the outskirts of the forest, smoking.
Gosh, does he just go to the forest to smoke?
A moment of silence for his poor lungs, please.
I cross the road after checking both sides and approach him. There are a lot of things we have to resolve. Yes, he is rude but if the reason behind his rudeness is solely because I 'left' him and 'discarded' our friendship, then we can certainly clear the misunderstanding. Believe it or not, I want to befriend the Reece that I knew when we were kids. Seven years did separate us, but I still feel this pull towards him. I don't know if it's because of the little Dorothy within me, but I do know that I want to give in to the pull and just be his friend at least.
His back is facing me. As I near him, I notice how broad his shoulders are and how lean his back is. I stop when I am about six feet away from him.
"Reece," I call him.
Turning around, he graces me with his handsome face. When his eyes land on me, my heart rate picks up and, for an ephemeral moment, I forget why I even approached him. Realising that it's me, he walks away from me.
I run towards him as fast as I can until I stand right in front of him, stretching my arms out to stop him from walking. A cigarette is held captive between his lips.
"We need to talk," I say.
He narrows his eyes at me, pulling the carcinogenic stick away from his lips.
"There's nothing to talk about. Get out of my way," he snaps.
I do not obey him, crossing my arms.
"Reece, we need to talk," I repeat, adamant.
He literally shoves me aside and continues to walk ahead. I look at him in disbelief, scoffing.
How rude!
Well, that isn't new.
I ball my fists and take a deep breath in.
You got this, Dorothy.
Do it for the little Dorothy so that she can stop crying all the dang time.
Do it for Reece so that he can get rid of the hatred he harbours for me.
Do it for yourself so that you can have the chance to be happy.
"You love me!" I yell from the top of my lungs.
And just like that, Reece Walker freezes. So still that I am afraid that he has forgotten how to breathe. But then, ever so slowly, he turns around and faces me. His eyes are blazing and his nostrils are flaring.
"What?" he snaps.
"You said that you love me at the party," I explain.
He continues to glare at me and I internally groan. Of course, he doesn't remember: he was pretty drunk.
"What makes you think I'll believe you?"
"Because I don't lie."
"You expect me to believe that?" he scoffs.
"I don't lie," I repeat firmly. "You were drunk. You told me that you failed to hate me-"
"Wrong. I still hate you," he retorts.
Annoyed at his adamance, I take a deep breath in to maintain my composure. I have to clear the misunderstanding, no matter what.
"I don't understand. Why are you trying to hate me, Reece? What did I do? I need an explanation."
"You don't deserve any explanation."
"Is it because you think that I 'left' you and 'discarded' our friendship?" I ask, approaching him. "Because that's completely wrong. I would never do those things. You of all people should know that I would never do those things."
"That's where you are wrong! You are lying!" he yells, startling me.
"I am not lying!" I yell back.
"You are. Why, huh? Is it because you now know how popular I am? Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think you can trick me into becoming your friend again just so you can be popular? Just so you can use me?"
I feel my anger rise at his accusations. This idiot is so, so delusional and stubborn.
"What?" I snap. "Why the heck would I want popularity?!"
"Then why the hell are you following me around? You never wanted to meet me during the last seven years. So why are you after me now, huh?"
I frown at his words.
During my first year at St. Anne's, all I ever wanted was to meet him. It absolutely broke me that he did not reply to a single letter of mine when he has been living here all along.
"It's not true! Reece, I..."
But how do I tell him what he had actually meant to me. I learnt to mask my feelings so well that I have actually forgotten what it's like to be expressive of my true, affectionate feelings. Also, I have been deprived of love for so many years. I mean, Sister Alexa loves me, no doubt, but she barely articulated it through words. She was most affectionate towards me right after she found out that I was leaving St. Anne's for good.
"Who told you that I didn't want to meet you?" I end up saying instead.
"It doesn't matter who told me," he growls. "What matters is that it's true."
"Just tell me!" I yell, impatient and desperate.
"I don't have to tell you anything!"
"Yes you do! I don't... I don't want to hate you, Reece. You and I were very close. We can still be close."
He clenches his jaw while his balled fists shake in fury.
"What makes you think that I want to be close to you?" he spits.
Oh for the love of good food!
"Heck Reece! You waited for me to come back for seven years! You told me yourself in your drunken state that you missed me!"
"I was drunk!"
"And honest!" I retort.
"None of it is true!"
"Do you honestly expect me to believe you right now, just two days after you told me yourself that you love me?"
Suddenly, he grabs onto my shoulders. He leans his face dangerously close to mine, glaring at me. His breath hits my face.
"I hate you," he says.
"Yes, you have tried to convince me many times," I say. "But now I know that you're actually trying to convince yourself."
His nails dig into my shoulders. I try to ignore the uncomfortable feeling.
"I am not!"
"Yes you are!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"Damn it!" he snaps.
He lets me go and looks straight into my eyes, frustrated.
"If I loved you," he begins. "Then don't you think I should know how your right eye has that sparkle every time you laugh, how you twirl your hair with your finger when you are impatient."
As he continues to rant without thinking, I notice how his eyes drop to my lips. While my brain tries to process his words, my heart is thumping.
"How you bite your lips when you're concentrating on something, how you like to eat thirteen grapes everyday," he continues, in a daze. "If I loved you, then don't you think I should know all of that..."
His fingertips somehow end up playing with a few strands of my hair before tucking them behind my left ear. I immediately hold my breath in shock once my brain finally processes his words.
Oh. My. Gosh.
Reece Walker has just indirectly admitted his feelings for me SOBER. I hate to admit it but, I am immensely surprised that he is very observant of my actions.
Then, as if realisation suddenly dawns upon him, Reece immediately retracts his hand away from me as if I have just burnt him. With wide eyes, he turns around, his back facing me. I look at the back of his head. He knows that he has indirectly confessed his feelings for me.
He lost and I won. But, for some reason, I feel overwhelmed and a little... uncomfortable?
"If it makes you feel any better," I whisper after clearing my throat. "I eat fifteen grapes now."
He chucks his burning cigarette onto the ground and storms away in silence.
I decide not to stop him. Although I was not able to clear the misunderstanding between us, I know for sure that he and I have had enough already. With a pounding heart, I turn around and make my way back home.
***
It's Saturday night, and it's Jenny's first gig. All of my friends and I are at Escape, standing at the backstage where Jenny and her bandmates are getting ready. Their performance is to start in twenty minutes.
"How are you feeling?" Luna asks Jenny.
Jenny is wearing a dark purple dress with black tights, and her make-up is dark; maroon coloured lipstick, black eyeliner and black mascara only.
"Nervous, but of course in a good way," Jenny replies. "Like electricity shooting through my veins."
"You'll do great," Harris assures her, causing her to smile widely.
Luna and I then decide to grab a table with the best view of the live performance. After we find the right table, we sit down and observe the customers around us. A lot of students from Hampton are present.
I see Monica and her gang enter the cafe. They are underdressed, wearing denim skirts that reach just below their private areas and sleeveless shirts that have necklines running so deep that I would not be surprised if I spot their bellybuttons. I seriously don't understand how anyone can be so bold to wear that sort of outfit in public, especially in a cafe where nearly everyone is fully and casually dressed.
"Ew," Luna says, looking at the group of almost-naked teenage girls and wrinkling her nose. "How can my dear Reece even like girls like... that? They clearly look like prostitutes."
"Trust me, I wish to be enlightened on this subject too," I reply.
"Speaking of my soon-to-be hubby, where is he?"
I shrug, not knowing and not caring about his whereabouts. Luna, being oblivious to the acrimony between her major crush and I, sighs.
"One day..." she says. "I will get him to love me."
A little while later, Damien and Nolan enter the cafe. Dressed casually, they make their way to Monica's table and sit down with her and her friends. Monica's two puppets lean against them seductively and the boys don't even bother to stop them. Damien scans around the cafe before he sees me. He winks at me, and I look away from him.
Creep.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Leo dashes towards our table as if all hell broke loose.
"Guys, code red. Code red. Code. Red!" he begins, whispering so that no one except us can hear.
"What happened?" Luna asks, concerned.
He rubs the back of his neck.
"Apparently, the lead singer just got dumped by her boyfriend and she was, well, drunk. Like really, really drunk. She puked and then passed out. JJ is pretty upset about it. The manager can't get a hold of his other employed singer."
"Oh no," Luna says. "This gig is supposed to be JJ's night! Let's go to her."
We quickly go backstage where the manager is speaking profanities into his phone. I raise my eyebrows when I notice a body sprawled across the floor in an unattractive way.
The heartbroken singer.
Harris is sitting next to Jenny on the floor, trying to comfort her.
"Don't worry, there will always be another time," Harris says, rubbing Jenny's back.
"I literally spent the entire week practicing on my guitar. Look at my fingers. See? I practiced so much that my fingers literally bled," she says, showing her bandaged fingers and croaking a bit, upset.
Luna, Leo and I sit down on the floor next to Harris and Jenny.
"Hey, your chance is not gone for good. There will be another gig-" Jenny abruptly turns her head to face him.
"Harris, can't you see? There are so many people out there right now, expecting a performance. If we cancel it now, we will lose that amount of people. This huge amount of excitement will go away when the next gig will pop up! Escape will not be as cool as it is now!" she explains.
"JJ..." Luna says, rubbing her shoulder.
Leo somehow managed to smuggle some tissues during our way here. He hands some to Jenny, who takes them gladly and blows her nose into them. Luna grabs one of the tissues and begins to wipe away Jenny's tears and fix her smudged make-up.
Suddenly, we hear the manager throw his phone to the floor. He steps on it in utter frustration. Everyone in the backstage turn their heads to face him and stare at him in silence. The exasperated middle-aged man begins to tug at one of the ends of his pointy, black moustache, pondering intensely. Immediately, his eyes widen as if he were struck by lightning.
"Listen everyone!" he calls out loudly with a thick, foreign accent, continuing to be the hub of our attention. "Who here can sing?"
His employees look at one another in silence.
"Anyone?" he urges.
Suddenly, Leo shoots up.
"Oh Mr. Manager!" Leo begins, drawing his attention. "This young girl here can sing."
I look up at Leo and notice where the tip of his index finger is pointing at.
My forehead.
Wait, what?
*~*~*~*~*
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