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"Because nobody goes through life without a scar."
No one told you love would be so difficult to live throughout.
How hard it would be each day.
How many tears you would shed.
When it feels hardest to give love, it is the most important moment to give without measure, but love is a huge price that a person pays for and you think you have suffered well enough.
They say the strain dulls with time, and that things will get better. But how can things be better when the reason the pain doesn't settle. Over time, the memory of his presence has escaped your mind. You no longer see his face in strangers and the things you once shared no longer bring tears to your eyes. If getting past the pain means forgetting him, then you choose to dismiss your entire knowledge of him.
Your only human, you only want to rid of this pain.
It's normal.
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"Seulgi...?" The stillness of the air seemed to suck even the sound of your thoughts into the nothingness of the air. For a long moment, you could not utter a sound, so you could only wait for the voice of Seulgi to repeat itself.
"Chan-ri you need to get here, someone sent this video in everyone's work emails. I-It's...everyone can see it at the job, everyone's playing it. I h-hear you, everywhere." And once she finished her sentence, you hung up. You hung up the phone and stared out at the wall, surrounded by four white walls, there was nothing else to do but stare at them in derision.
You're ruin, your life, your reputation.
Everything.
You became this chilly silence, it was the kind of silence that falls right on you, like someones behind you, watching you, before you get knifed in the back. It sent a shiver down your spine and you felt your blood chill in your veins.
Fearful.
Fear is shackled, fear is a knife in the gut slowly twisted, fear is a constant hammer on the head. Yet fear also evaporates like water under an early summer sun. Like the ghosts of children's nightmares, fear is an illusion, it's the illusion in your mind.
Fearful.
You need to fix this, you can't just sit here.
You get up and make your way towards Taehyung's keys rack that is hanging right next to the front door. You picked up the keys for his Hyundai, they lay in the palm of your hand, metal, and skin together. With a sigh of discouragement, you let your fingers curl around them.
When you placed your hand on the knob of the door, Taehyung protruded up behind you, his browns risen up, his hand pressed the door. "Where are you going?"
You stared into his eyes, staring between you both has become something of an art form. The first to avert their eyes is the loser, and that means subservient, weaker, which was you. You looked down, talking to the floor. "I g-gotta go."
He wore a puzzled expression. "Go where?"
"I-I just have to go Taehyung." Your brain blunders for a moment, every part of you goes on pause while your state of thoughts catches up.
"Tell me where, where are you going?" He asked the question with frank prying.
Your eyes collected and bore tragically every wrongdoing that had been poured upon you, your eyes ceased to be a part of this world as you replied back to Taehyung. "To my job, I need to go to my job and hope that I don't get fired."
"Why would you-" Taehyung glances upward, his mouth pursed but slightly open and loose. His eyes are fixed on you.
"The video Taehyung, that stupid video was sent to everyone at my job's work email by Ji-Young! I'm fucked, I am completely fucked!"
"Shit," He mumbled, stopping to take a deep breath. He let it all out in one sigh, watching it float off like smoke in the cold air. He turned back to you in front of him, gulping hard. "Come on."
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Getting inside your work building and into the elevator, you felt unease, this dread creeps over you like a glacial coolness, deadening your brain. In this frozen state, your mind offers you only one thought. It is today, right now. There is no avoiding it. You're like a cow being herded into a truck for the slaughterhouse, only the cow doesn't know where it's going and you do. Just stepping inside the office room makes you breathing rapid and depthless. You can feel your pulse pounding in your temples.
There you stepped out of the elevator and all eyes were on you.
And when you mean all, you mean all, including Seulgi which were filled with worried.
Glares sucked the living essence out of you. You visibly wilted before peoples first clipped word was uttered out of their lips as they stood around coffee machines, in groups, near the computers desk, all eyeing at you "discreetly". You whipped around. Sounds of hushed whispering seemed to be erupting and spilling from the peeling walls. Were you going crazy? This couldn't be happening. "This isn't real," you told yourself. Yet it felt nothing but real and absolute to you. You heard things you never imagined would come out of their lips, your coworkers had now turned this office into a high school gossip ground.
Gossip, Gossip, Gossip.
"Isn't Mrs. Park, married, that doesn't sound like her husband in the video?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure her husband's name is Ji-Young. I heard they had an argument here some time ago, guess she got tired of him. Hmm, I wonder who this Taehyung guy is, he seems to be treating her favorably."
"Woah, I didn't know Park was a freaky woman like that, she's always been a cutie to me, I guess I can finally tap that."
"Ew no dude, she's a slag, cheating on her husband, you're asking for trouble."
You're anxious, really anxious. When you feel the air more keenly in your eyes; it's that tearless stage when the eyes take on a sheen of water and a tension builds behind them. You need to shake it off. Now isn't the time or place for tears, walk the halls and be strong.
Then there were approaching footsteps clip-clopping down the bleached tile hallway floors. You looked towards the direction of the sound and there he was, Mr. Kim, Jin.
To describe his facial expression would be like describing a blank sheet of paper and he walked like someone who'd been in some armed service or other, there was a marching quality to it, authority.
You knew he had words to speak with you.
"Stop all that chit-chatting, get back to work." He told, passing by the disarrayed workers. You have never seen Mr. Jin ruffled. His voice has a husky drawl and every step he takes is in slow motion compared to almost anyone else you noticed. His idea of hurrying is to bend his head down a little as he saunters, the pace of his footfalls not changing one bit. He finally makes his way in front of you and stands there, struggling to make eye contact with you before he swallowed, he concluded in a mumble. "Mrs. Park, come to my office right now please."
"Ok." You nodded your head, lowing it in humiliation.
A chill rose up your spine making you shudder as you followed down the hall behind Mr. Kim.
You could still hear the whispering of others.
Breath so thick and so faint echoed around you, coming from the south of the room, the north, the right, the left, everywhere. You slowly turned your head over your shoulder and the whispering stopped, everyone froze. The air chilled to ice and your labored breathing became the only sound... it was hanging from the ceiling, crawling ever so slowly towards you, dark and brooding.
Haunted by this dread.
Assuredly you made it to his office, alive. However, your brain had shut down. You were clammy and there was the glisten of cold sweat. Your eyes were as wide as if someone was coming to deliver the fatal blow, you found relief to get to a chair because between the heels and your legs wobbling, you're afraid you'll trip.
You breathed in and out but air wouldn't enter your lungs. Starved for air, your heart raced at tremendous speeds, and your lungs shallowly rose and fell in time. You sat there for what felt like an eternity but was actually only a minute.
Then he sat down in his chair, clasping his hands together.
"Mrs. Park, you know why you are here right?" He was upright and rigid like a sergeant major.
You nodded, your watery eyes enlarged and the hairs on the nape of your neck bristled, "Yes sir, I can-"
"I'm not going to fire you."
Not?
Huh?
"What?" You uttered, surprise trickled through you.
Mr. Kim cleared his throat, his eyes wandered down at his hands for a moment before continuing to speak. "I said I'm not going to fire you, what I've seen today is unbefitting behavior that I can not believe you out of people would choose to follow, however, your infidelity is your personal affair, not mine. What you do at home and what you do at work is separate."
"Mr. Kim, I really don't want you to think of me like that-"
"Shh Mrs. Park, I don't see you like that. I know you didn't intend for that to be public here, as I have stated it is not my business. Now, this is a company, so we do have measures to hold up. Understand that I going to have to place you on leave for a month till everything calms down, alright?''
At Jin's acceptance, you leaned back in your seat. "Y-Yes I understand."
"I'm sorry Mrs. Park, don't tell anyone this, but I entrust you a whole a lot. You're a modest worker, but I have other employees who have judgments and I have a responsibility to take action as an executive."
"It's okay, I understand it." You paved back your hair and gnawed your lips." There are mistakes that people make, I happen to make one. Thank you, I'm really thankful I have a boss like you."
"Aww come here." Jin stood up from out of his seat, opening his arms out and you met him in a snuggled. You snickered at that moment, his arms squeezed a fraction tighter and you breathed more slowly, your body melting into his as every muscle lost its tension to the cool air. "You're welcome Chan-ri, stay well and between me and you, your leave is paid."
And then you give him a smile that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of insecurity as you thank your boss with a firm embrace. Red-hot tears ran down your face, each one carving furrows on the tender flesh that still stung from the inner wounds, scars that marred your once-beautiful face. You left out.
"Oooh, she's coming back out you guys, did she get fired?"
"Oh wow, she looks so pitiful."
"I hope she gets fired, unfaithful to her husband, how do we know she'll be faithful to the company?"
"Terrible."
You made it back into the elevator, going down to the ground floor, back in the quietness with no meddling. There Taehyung awaited you outside in the parking lot, his arms crossed as he made his way towards you once you were in his line of sight.
"You okay?" He asked. In that simple moment, he wrapped his arms around you and you let your head rest upon his chest. All your thoughts stopped as if his heart took over from your head every time you were close. His hug is stronger than anything you've ever known as if holding you weren't quite enough, you have to feel every ounce that you're press into every ounce that is Taehyung.
In that moment of feeling you so close, you are calm somehow, more peaceful than you have been today at the moment. There are times you're like a butterfly who yearns for the cocoon, to be safe within walls, protected. That's what you feel with Taehyung's around you. It helps and so you murmur into his chest, "Yeah, I'm fine..."
"What happen in there?" Taehyung asked. Fallen tear drops lingered down your face, like water flowing through the drains.
They just kept coming down.
"I was put on leave for a month." You mumbled into his chest as if it cost you a great deal to utter out the word.
Taehyung settled his hand on top of your head, tender to rub across your hair. "A-Are you going to be okay?" Taehyung's voice is raspy but enunciated enough to be pleasant to your ears, comfort you.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm okay, it's just a leave. W-What about you?"
Taehyung didn't speak for a good moment, continuing to rub the back of your head until he let go of you and look directly into your eyes. "Well, my supervisor has placed me on supervision. He thinks we were in relations while I was still your therapist but little did he know I had already discharged you right before we had sex. I knew I had caught feelings for you, I knew what risk it would be. I did what I did. So as of right now, I'm suspended until all my papers for you are checked out."
"Ugh, this is frustrating..."
"It is, but don't freak out, don't stress over it because I know that's what that little asshole wants us to do, everything is going to be okay."
You gave Taehyung a bitter glance, "No, everything is not going to be okay, that little asshole has fucked up our reputations."
Your brewing anger like tea in a pot, voicing your fury. "Taehyung I couldn't even walk in the office without feeling like such a slut, everyone kept looking at me with disgust, whispering about me, saying I was a hussy for cheating on my husband. It felt disgusting..." When you start to cry it's never a trickle and it never starts in your eyes. It begins as a feeling in your chest, tight, and a sense of sadness in your mind. The leaking water is only a blessed release, it's one way your body chooses to cope and you guess it's a way to communicate too, whether you'd want to or not.
You can't do this.
You can't.
"I don't want this..." After a few seconds, the urge is too strong and you pull your body away from Taehyung. He looks up at you, eyes full of strain as he shook his head slowly.
"W-What do you mean?"
What do you mean?
You let out a slow staggered breath and attempted to loosen your body attitudes, "I-I think-"
"Stop." His bottom lip trembles and he gestures for you back.
You can't.
"Taehyung everything is changing-"
He shook his head, "Chan-ri stop-"
"This is too much-" You mumble.
Immediately Taehyung caressed his hands on your cheek, lifting your redden face up. "Chan-ri look, listen to me, look at me. We are not breaking up over this." Taehyung complained, shaking his head once more. "You are not a slut. Do you hear me? You were having sex like the rest of those people in that damn office, you're normal. Okay? Stop crying, be strong."
"B-But there's not so many times where it goes public, for god sakes Taehyung how are you this calm, everyone's seen us...I-I?" Your lips tremble until you bite them, your tears dry on your cheeks.
"Baby, listen to me, it's my fault. I have to take responsibility for it, I have to be calm about this. If I don't...we'll both go crazy and that is not good. So I need you to calm down, I'm going to fix this."
"H-How, how are you going to fix this?"
Ring_Ring
We were startled by the chime of Taehyung's cell phone.
"Hello?" He answered.
You were close enough to hear through the phone a masculine voice, chortle, "You enjoyed my little present?" Immediately Taehyung's cold fury burnt with dangerous intensity and he promptly hung up.
"Who was that?" You asked.
His eyes flashed with indignance and passion, much like lightning on a pitch black night. "Who else would it be, he's trying to get under my skin."
Ring_Ring
Now it's your phone.
You pulled your phone out of your pocket and answered, your eyes stiffened. Ji-Young. "Darling, I miss you, come back home, don't you miss me?"
Your face was red with suppressed rage as you snarled into the phone. "Ji-Young I said stop calling me. I don't love you anymore, I don't want you, just leave me alone."
You glance over at Taehyung's face, still smoldering underneath his unrelenting expression as he reached out for your cell. "Give me that." He took your phone out of his hand. His eyes narrowed as Ji-Young continued taunting you both. "Stop calling us." Taehyung hung up the phone again, fiddling with it for a bit.
"There, I blocked his number."
Ring_Ring
Mumbling curses, Taehyung answered the phone.
Ji-Young snickered through the phone. "So you really think I can just go away, poof?"
"How are you using another number?"
"That's my own secret."
Taehyung's glare was the only message you needed. Nothing you said afterward registered in his mind; like watching a movie on mute. His perpetually soft eyes were now as hard as any storefront mannequin. "Look I'm not playing around with you. Get over it, you lost, it's over. She doesn't want you."
"...You don't know what she wants."
"Oh I do, it doesn't include your baby dick ass, now stop calling us!"
"You hang up and I'll find her and kill her, I'll make sure you're ruined. I'll make sure you wither inside as I watch you lose, your "love", what's important to you, that unborn baby of yours. I'll do to you what you have done to me. Taken. She's mine and only mine, I am the only one who can have her, no one, you fucking hear me?!"
Taehyung's wide open eyes revealed everything and saw blank. Behind them was something more intense than rational thought. "You got me really fucked up, you come near my family and I'll fucking-" He paused, glancing at you before mumbling in the phone. "DON'T call this number again..." Taehyung hung up the phone. By the time he had finished yelling his voice was so hoarse he could barely speak.
Ring_Ring
Taehyung was now turning into a ticking time bomb. At this point, any provocation, no matter how small or insignificant and his temper would blow. "Oh this asshole really doesn't understand what I am saying to him, I guess I have to beat it into his head!" Taehyung yelled as he rushed into the car.
You followed suit, trying to calm him down. He was causing a scene and people around glanced to fill their curiosity. "Tae, please no."
"No, he's not understanding me and what is coming out my mouth." Taehyung's clenched his fist around the wheel, flushed and mottled in the face, red-crimson.
"Baby, please, I don't like when you get like this, please just calm down!"
"Chan-ri do you think I like this, you think I like showing you this side of me?! I don't, I really don't but damn it this guy has pissed me off to no end right now, he's trying his luck!"
"Stop yelling please, I can't deal with it!"
Taehyung's face was stern, even a little melancholy, in response, he nodded his head in apology. "I-I'm sorry...let's just...talk with him, if he won't talk with us, I'm calling the police."
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_Warning_
_ Violence/Trigger _
Your hand appeared on his wrist, white-knuckled, solid. Taehyung turned to look at you, shaking his head. "I won't act stupid." Slow and deliberate, Taehyung turned the door handle. "T-The doors unlock..." Taehyung muttered, peering back at you.
"He probably was expecting us." You replied. Taehyung fully opens the door, the entranceway murk. Pitch darkness. You could feel something was off here and it was anything but good. Your body feels hot and sweat starts trickling down your neck. With every move you make, you get more and more terrified. Your breath quickens as you hear the creaking of the floor as you both turned the hall. Suddenly everything is silent and behind the corner is just darkness.
"Shit, what the fuck?!" A chill ran through your spine as you heard Taehyung shout out. It made you shudder as a freezing cold wind would wake someone. Once you turn to the right side of the living room you see Ji-young laid on his back, not three feet beyond the radius of the wall, in a pool of blood and gave the room a sickly-sweet butchershop odor.
"O-Oh my god!" You stare, unable to move, as blood gushes from his wounds. The blood flowed thickly from Ji-Young's body. In the bright light of the house, it was indecently red, as red as any flower in bloom, but for you, that moment would be forever grey. For even as you watched in horror you saw his gravestone, granite, and cold. His dead eyes reflect charcoal clouds above, dark beauty lost to this victim of the night.
The scene was quite staggering, shocking really. Your mind was sent reeling, unable to comprehend or process the images it was being sent by your eyes. You looked away, then looked back to see if he was still there. He was.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...Ji-Young!" Your stomach contracted so violently as you felt the wet hot tears fill up your eyes, your throat closed tight. You knew you would faint when your stomach gave out. It felt like your innards were being replaced by some kind of black hole. Then nausea crept from your abdomen to your head and the world went black.
"Chan-ri!" Taehyung reached out for your arm but you shoved him away. You got on your knees and your hands, creeping fingers tried to feel him, but you couldn't, you were afraid. You just needed to feel him, to understand that this was real.
He's gone...really gone.
"No, no, no- Ji-Young-" Tears stained your cheeks, making your eyes glassy as you fall to your knees, whispered goodbye. Your mind went haywire as you sat on the floor, your heart slowing, breathing too calm and skin paling as your life was slowly, gently, drained from your body like the crimson red blood which was pooling around you.
"Chan-ri, don't touch him, we need to call the ambulance!" Taehyung drew you up from the ground, his arms held you in your place and you winced. His arms felt like metal bars that could hold you down as you tumbled down a roller coaster or an anaconda that could squeeze your spirit out of your nostrils. His arms were your tragic hero.
Dead is permanent. Dead is forever. Dead is when the spark in the eyes is extinguished, yet unlike fire is utter without smoke.
He's gone, he's really gone.
Your first love.
Hatred is all that you had for Ji-Young. Hatred is such an abomination, a subversion of what should be good. You never have seen strong hatred except where love is betrayed or destroyed in some manner. People hate their ex-lovers more strongly than a person who steals their wallet. People make excuses for strangers and hold loved ones to impossible standards. Yet in the bleak landscape of hatred, there are always paths back to understanding and empathy, though sometimes they are barely threads in a vast wilderness of negative emotion.
And as though you were filled with resentment, you never wanted him to die, not like this.
So you stare, you stare at the bullet in his head.
Emotional pain has a biological purpose, to teach, to educate us away from unhealthy patterns and relationships. You've been pushing back against pain for so long, medicating with friendship, with romantic notions, yet it returns in your weaker moments, devastating your mind.
To keep repeating this pattern will only prolong it, keep the pain underneath when in truth it must rise. Today you make a new choice, one to welcome it as a friend, to let it teach you what it needs. Though you will be weaker at the moment, you will be stronger afterward. You will let it in through your doors, sit at your table, talk until you are wiser even though each word is a silver blade.
These painful memories, they will just the same as nightmares.
Just for a little bit.
It will hurt.
"I-I...killed him?"
Authors Notes: WHAT A DARK TURN I MUST SAY. Sorry, it may be some angsty chapters for a bit and I'm sorry it's a bit rushed! Hi guys, I miss you all so much, seriously! I'm sorry I've been busy lately, I'm literally about to graduate high school in four days. It's just crazy to think, like four years ago I was just a little fourteen-year-old freshman, now I'm an adult. Just wow, I'm still kinda surprised how time really went. BY THE WAY over, 402K, AND 930 FOLLOWERS! uwu~ Thank you, I really don't deserve it as of right now I'm in a bit of a runt right now with the story but I keep pushing through, I want to make you guys content with the narrative, so once more thank you, till next time!