A/n: This chapter illustrates Lou's POV while Debbie and Lou went for a walk, when they returned back and the happy dream because of which Lou hugged Hela in sleep. Then the story continues in third person POV.
Also, have used many of Cate Blanchett's quotes and personality to describe Lou. They are all highlighted in bold.
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Lou's POV
Debbie and I are walking along the shores. My mind is still messed up. Debbie is trying her best to relax me. Though I am listening to what she is speaking, I am not able to relax. She knows it too. She is trying her best. She suggested we sit by the shores. I agreed.
I sat down next to her. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. I obliged and placed my head on her shoulder. Everything in my mind at one side, Debbie and her love on the other.
"Hon..."
"Yes baby"
"You think my dreams are just the dreams and nothing more?"
"Hmm... It is not just the dreams but it is also not something bad. You need to calm down a little. May be then the dreams won't be as strong as today's"
"You really think Helly can be trusted?"
"Baby... She is like us. She too had her own share of grief. She is here only because I saw her potential. Baby... You are unnecessarily doubting on her"
"I can't help it. I get all negative thoughts about her"
"Hon... Think... Whenever you are close to her you feel warmth isn't it? Probably she is someone you always needed in your life"
Someone I needed all my life? I don't understand.
"What do you mean? I only needed you in my life"
"Hon... I am already yours. I mean to say... She might be someone whom you wanted to be or whom you wanted to have by your side... Not as a lover... But you know... A well-wisher... May be a relative... Family?"
What Debbie is speaking I don't understand. But it does make sense. Whenever Helly is near I feel many emotions. They are not romantic, the one I have for Debbie. These feelings for Helly are completely different. I don't know what it is for I had never experienced before.
"Hmm... I do get some warm feelings for her. But not sure what"
"Hmm... We might know as days pass honey. Try getting closer to her"
"Means?"
"Spend time with her. Speak to her always. Probably if you get closer to her then you might be able to understand what feelings are, they and why you get drawn to her. Also, don't keep any negative thoughts on her. She is here among us hon. She is one among us. And hon... She likes you... Not in the way I like you... But you know... She likes you as a person... She... Probably you remind her of her family member I feel... You both look alike... So... Probably she feels you as familiar"
"Hmm... You think spending more time with her will help?"
"I am sure baby. Also, it will help you get comfortable while training with her. And you told you have doubts on her... That can also be cleared"
"You are right. I will do as you said"
"Hmm...", Debbie kissed my forehead.
We both sat there in silence. Suddenly I felt warmth and happiness in me. The same warmth I get when Helly is near. Also, it's the same warmth I get when I think about my parents... Well when I think them in a positive way without getting angry on them. The warmth I get when I think what would have happened if I grew up with my parents. This is strange. I get the same warmth in both the cases. Is Helly really my relative? Is she here to reunite with me? Is she my sister? Is she also abandoned by my parents and grew up alone and now found out about me and came here to be with me? Or she might have been with my parents all these years and now found out about me from them and so came here to see me? Or is she thinking me as a threat to whatever fucking possessions my parents own and wants to eliminate from this world? But I don't want anything. Also, I don't think she will do that because whenever I am near her, I feel safe. Though my brain tries to manipulate saying I should consider as my opponent, and I do behave that way in front of others, I really feel safe around her. I am not sure but right now I am feeling good in my heart and it definitely has to do with Helly. Probably, Debbie's words about Helly made me happy? Whatever it is, I will revel in this feeling. I wrapped my arms around Debbie and pressed my head against her chest. Whenever happy or sad, I will have Debbie. Now I am happy and I want to enjoy it by being with Debbie.
"Baby you fine?"
"Yes hon. I just... I don't know I am again feeling the warmth in my heart. My heart and mind... They are calmed down and are happy... Just like that, it happened"
"Hmm that's good. I want you to be always happy"
She removed one of my hand around her and held it gently. Then she kissed my knuckles.
"I love you Lou and I will always be with you and support you"
I know. I know she loves me and will always support me. The best thing ever happened in my life is Debbie.
"I love you too Debbie. I love you too", I said and slowly lifted my head. I am looking straight into her eyes and she mine. We both moved our head simultaneously towards each other and kissed. A slow, passionate and loving kiss.
"Hmm let's go back?"
"Let's stay for a while. It's so calming here. Now I know why you take this morning walk"
She smiled at me. We sat there for a while in silence. She was kissing my forehead in between as a gesture of assuring me that she is with me and she will always be with me.
I love her. I love her more than myself. I had never been in any serious relationship before. I don't know, I was not into anyone and most of the time I didn't feel like having anyone. I was happy with my life. I needed no man or woman to make me happy. I had my best friend Debbie, our bingo and other cons... I found pleasure in those and so didn't bother having a partner or even sex. I don't know... For a brief time, I did think why I am not having that drive... But never regretted or felt bad. But during the last 6 years, without Debbie, I was out of place. I wanted her to be with me. Slowly I realised I have some feelings and it definitely is not something you will have for your best friend. I started dreaming about her every night. I know I couldn't meet her in person. She strictly warned me to stay away from jail or police. If the officers find out I am associated with her then I will also be under the radar. So, I couldn't meet her. I however sent the necessary items she needed. I know prison can be hard.
My days and nights were full of her thoughts. I was worried about her safety. The only thing I could do is rig the system. But for that I need money. My club wasn't popular back then and so I only had limited income. I started watering down the vodkas, served regular liquor in branded bottles. Fools buy anything if they see the brand names.
Day by day my feelings for Debbie became stronger. I then realised that it was always her. She was with me and that is why I never wanted anyone else. I always had her to share my feelings, my happiness and my thoughts. You only need one other person, to, you know share your years, to see you, so you can see yourself. And that one person in my life was, is and will always be Debbie. I guess without even knowing, I had given myself to her back then. But I didn't label it. Didn't know what to label. And I never knew what her feelings are towards me.
When she returned, she asked for forgiveness. I had forgiven her long back before she asked. She knew it but she wanted me to know that she truly was sorry for what happened. We grew closer than before if that was possible because we were always close. Then few days back, we shared our feelings. I would have never expressed myself. I didn't have the courage to do so, nor did I have enough strength to live if she would leave me because of my advances. It's so hard to do what you really, really desperately want in life. But she... she herself expressed first. She kissed me first. Since then, we know each other's feelings and we have acknowledged our relationship. Haven't yet disclosed to others but we will, once the time is right. We both need time to adjust to this new change. Some ideas, like what you're going to do with your life, take time to form.
I was in this deep thought when Debbie spoke.
"Some nightmares are because of the incidents we experienced, some are due to fictional influence and some are because of our insecurities, our negative thoughts"
I looked at her.
"You know while in prison, I used to get nightmares. It was always the same. In that nightmare, I would always see you breaking up all the ties with me and walking away..."
What? No... Never would I leave her. I held her palms in my hand and squeezed lightly.
"... Though I knew you would never do that, my own guilt that I had made me think that and that fear and insecurity led me to have these nightmares. Though you stood by me during the trails, helped me get stuffs inside and made sure I was safe there, I don't know somewhere in the corner of my heart, I wanted you to go away and lead a happy life instead of supporting me. At least you would have a better life. I would also think what will I do once you leave me. That thought always haunted me resulted in nightmares. My fear, my insecurities and inability to think led me to have those nightmares. I had nightmares about something that never would happen. I guess you too are having nightmares because of your insecurities and negative thoughts on Helly"
I looked at her. I never knew about her nightmares. I mean I knew about those nightmares which she gets now too because of the prison time. But I never knew she used to get nightmares in prison. That too of me leaving her. I would never leave her. It's impossible. Wait... That's what she is trying to say... She would get those dreams because of her own fear and insecurities. That means I am getting these nightmares because of my insecurities. Helly is not bad but my negative thoughts on her is making me feel that way.
Debbie was looking at me. Her eyes moistened. I cupped her cheeks.
"I will never leave you hon. Never"
"I know"
"Also, you are right. My negative thoughts are probably the reason for my nightmares"
Debbie nodded in understanding. I again kissed her. To remove that thought she had somewhere in her heart.
"I will never leave you. I love you and even if you yourself kick me out, I'll still be clinging to you"
She hugged me. We didn't release each other soon. We assured each other about our feelings in that hug.
"Now come on. Let's go in. You woke up in between hon. You need to sleep"
"Hmm... yeah"
We walked back to our home. When we entered our room, we saw Helly and kids sleeping. Debbie insisted me to sleep here while she does her work. I was bit reluctant because of Helly's presence. Yup, I had decided to be good with Helly but I need time to adjust. All of the sudden it cannot happen. I am part extrovert, part wallflower.
But Debbie was sure about what she was saying. So, I felt it's right to do so. If I am to accept Helly's presence, I should start now itself. I slept next to Derek and hugged him. Slowly I drifted off to sleep.
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I woke up. I feel warm and protected. I slowly opened my eyes and looked. I was hugging Helly and she in turn has held me closer to her, my head against her chest. I didn't retrieve immediately. I lingered for a while. She was awake and was tracing her fingers through my hair. I found it calming. Was she humming? Yup. She is humming some tune which was unfamiliar but was soothing. I never ever got close to people other than Debbie or Tammy. I am not the person to hug anyone other than those two. But right now, I am in embrace and I am not willing to push her away. I don't know but I am feeling like she is my family. She is familiar to me. Probably the aftermath of my new dream... From which I woke up now.
Yup I had another dream. In my dream, I was four-year-old. I was writing a letter to Santa saying I want my mom. Yup in real life too I had written a letter. The same thing repeated in my dream. I posted the letter and walked back to my room. I opened my room but it was no more my room. It was something different.
My room door opened to a garden. I saw green everywhere. Flowers blooming. Birds flying. Fresh breeze and soft rustle of the bushes and trees. I saw a squirrel. I ran to catch it. It ran and I chased it. I however tripped and fell. I being a four-year-old, cried. That's when I felt someone brushing their hand over my bangs. Okay yes, I did have bangs back then too. Now back to the dream. When that person brushed my bangs, I stopped crying. Then before I knew, I hugged that person, rested my head against that person's chest. A woman definitely. I haven't seen the face yet but I felt close and comfortable. She hugged me back and rubbed my hands and back.
"Honey... why are you crying?"
The voice was so soothing. I tightened my grip.
"I fell"
"Oh honey... Don't worry mum will take care of you"
"Mum? Who?"
"Me. I am your mother honey"
"Really?"
"Yes baby. I am your mother and you are my daughter honey"
I lifted my head but couldn't see her face properly because the sun was radiant and was right behind her head forming a Halo around her head. I squinted my eyes to avoid the light. She was ethereal, that's the only thing I could make out. She ducked her head down and kissed my brows and then my temple.
"Am I really your daughter?"
"Yes honey", she mumbled against my forehead.
"Where were you these many days? Why didn't you come to me?"
"Baby I was caught up in some very important and dangerous work. If I had taken you there then you wouldn't be safe. So, I had to leave you here"
"Will you leave me again?"
"Never honey. I will never ever leave you. I will be with you forever"
"Will you sing a song for me?"
"Sure, my child. I will"
I pressed my head back to her chest. She ran her fingers through my hair and comforted me. I was feeling safe. My mum was here with me. She hummed a melody and I slowly drifted back to sleep.
And woke up from my dream to be in same position as I was in my dream, against Helly's chest. She is substituted in my mum's place here in real life. What is happening? What am I supposed to conclude from this dream? Is this some random meaningless dream or is it something more? Is this my inner turmoil and wanting that took this shape? Is this nothing? What is it?
Helly still didn't realise I was awake. She had closed her eyes. I looked at her. It's like looking in the mirror. Except for those pitch-black hair, somewhat greenish eyes and dark eyebrows, we both are exactly same. We also look the same age. That's what making me think against considering her as my mother. So probably she is my sister? I guess she is my sister and I am substituting her as my mum in my dream.
Does she really have good feelings for me? Why after all these years she has come to me? What are her intentions? I don't know... But I am not going to think anything negative about her. Not after being comforted by her. Not after letting her into my space. Not after seeing her as my mum.
I thought I would always burst into anger if I ever met my parents. But now the thought of my mum is calming me down. That doesn't mean I will not confront. I will definitely confront may even fight them. They cannot leave me for decades and now send my sister to reconcile. Or did they even send her? Is she really my sister?
Nope. If I think more, I will lose my calmness and peace. I better consider as my sister before I change my mind. Yup. That's better.
I lifted my head. She opened her eyes. I looked at her. Her face changed from happy and peaceful to somewhat worried.
"I... I didn't mean to... You... You hugged me. I didn't..."
"I know. I know how my body works. I am sure you didn't do anything", I said softly, assuring her.
She nodded. She was still unsure whether I was speaking in a good way or not.
"I will go now"
"Okay"
I rolled over and she got up. I missed the closeness. This particular closeness, I don't know what it is called, it's completely different from the one I have with Debbie.
She looked at me one last time. I saw some warm feeling in her eyes. I never ever had seen that particular warmth in anyone's eyes for me. She then turned and walked.
She reached the door when I called her
"Helly..."
She turned back. I could see a glint of hope in her eyes.
What is she hoping for?
"Hmm have a nice day", I smiled at her genuinely. She smiled back and it definitely was of pure joy. Why is she feeling happy because of my sweet behaviour?
"You too have a good day dear"
Dear? She always used these endearments like I usually do.
I nodded. She then walked out.
I was still in my bed thinking about all this happened. I didn't go to debate in my mind. I had decided to be nice to Helly. Now for sure I will be good to her.
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Third person POV
Hela walked out of the room. She was very happy. First, her daughter hugged her. Then when she woke up, she didn't resent her instead spoke to her nicely. She even wished her a good day. Yup she will have a good day. Today in fact is the best day. She met Debbie halfway, who, after serving breakfast to kids, Nine and Constance was on her way to her and Lou's bedroom.
"Hey mom. Is Lou awake? How was her reaction?"
Hela smiled widely. Debbie understood something good happened.
"What happened?", Debbie asked enthusiastically.
"She woke up and didn't resent me. Instead she spoke to me nicely. And she even wished me good day"
"Well, it indeed is a good day to you"
"Yeah"
"I am so happy. My Lou is happy and warm again. You too celebrate. It's the day to celebrate"
Saying so Debbie hugged her. Hela hugged her back. This time without any reluctance or doubt.
"Okay, so someone's getting used to hugs"
"Don't make it a habit"
Debbie laughed and then they released each other.
"Get ready mom. We will have breakfast and then go shopping"
Hela nodded and went to her room with a smile in her face. Debbie looked at her till she disappeared. The smile that was so identical to Lou it made her happy and wanted to see same smile on Lou. She went inside the room. Locked it so that the Derek, Keri or others downstairs won't barge in between their conversation.
She saw Lou on her bed and in thoughts. Unlike other days, this time there were no worries in her face, only pure joy.
"Baby..."
Lou looked at Debbie and gave her a wide smile. Yup Debbie got to see her genuine and happy smile. Debbie was happy too. She will do anything to keep that smile on Lou's face.
"Hey baby... Where did you go?"
"I went to get breakfast. We only have one cook here and she was sleeping peacefully with her look alike"
Lou smiled. Debbie sat next to her.
"So... You and Helly are fine now?"
"Deb... I feel so many emotions now... All happy. Though I have some doubts I don't want to look at it. I just want to revel in that happiness"
Debbie was excited to listen this. She wanted to know more.
"What happened baby?"
Lou explained everything, from her dream to her waking up and looking at Helly to her wishing Helly a good day. Debbie was happy to listen. She was also very happy to see this progress.
"I want to enjoy this feeling Debbie. I want to consider her as my family member. I don't want my real family members. I fucking don't want to meet my parents. I am happy being who I am and how I am now. I am happy to be with you all and Helly is included in that"
She doesn't want to meet her parents but is fine with Hela being here? What will be her reaction if she finds out Hela is her mom?
"Good. Honey... What if she really is your family?"
"I... I don't want to think about it now Debbie. If I think I will go in so many directions and I don't know where it will end up. I don't want to ruin this happiness"
Oh, she is still not over her anger. She is just trying to subdue those. It won't be a good idea to tell her about Hela now itself. I should discuss with Hela
"Fine baby. Whatever you want. I am happy that you are happy. I love to see you happy and smiling and today you are happy and smiling", Debbie said and kissed Lou's cheeks.
"This happiness will increase if...", Lou pulled Debbie over her. Their lips almost touching.
"If?", Debbie said lightly placing her lips on Lou's lips.
"If we share it", Lou said against her lips and kissed her.
The kiss deepened. Debbie is kissing her cheeks, chin, forehead everywhere and then slowly descended down to her neck. Their heart beat raising, bodies pressing together and passion increasing. Debbie's hands caressing Lou slowly and sensually while Lou's hands are running over Debbie's back and occasionally her nails digging her skin and leaving marks. Debbie is marking her too with her lips and teeth. Debbie is mumbling I love you against Lou's skin while descending down further.
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After their passionate time in their bed, Lou and Debbie had an equally passionate shower. They then dressed up and went downstairs. Derek and Keri were playing with Constance while Nine was doing god knows what in her laptop. Hela was having her breakfast. By the look in her face, Debbie was clear that she was not liking the coffee. Debbie smiled to herself.
"Baby. Have your breakfast"
"And you?"
"Hmm I already had mine", Debbie said while tracing Lou's cleavage. No one was looking at them so they are safe.
Lou caught her hand and placed it on her waist.
"Behave Miss Ocean", she said teasingly.
"Not when you are this tempting"
"Hmm keep it in your pants. There are kids and overgrown kids"
Debbie laughed. Lou joined too.
"What's so funny?", Constance asked.
"Nothing", both said in unison with equal amount of smile in their face.
"You both old ladies really need to fuck and end this fucking irritation you cause around us", Nine said.
"Language Nine... Kids are here"
"They are the only lucky ones here who are not subjected to this particular irritation"
Debbie and Lou smiled and shook their heads. Then they went and sat on the dining table. Debbie on the head of the family chair and Lou on her right side. On her left side was Hela. Lou served both of them breakfast and coffee.
"So Helly... We will go soon after the breakfast", Lou said with a greeting smile. Hela was happy and emotional seeing her daughter speak to her with a genuine smile. She nodded her head as to say okay.
"Where you guys going?", came the voice from other side of the room.
"Shopping. She needs her clothes"
"We have Rose. Tell her to design"
"Constance, she doesn't need designer wears as daily wears"
"Hmm yeah you're right. I'll come too"
"Me too", Derek and Keri joined.
"So, I guess everyone's going. Isn't it Nine?", Debbie asked.
"Well, you said everyone so I guess I am too going shopping with you. But just promise me, you guys won't humiliate me in the gadgets and electronics section. Last time you..."
"Come on. It's not my fault. That's technology's fault. It shouldn't have developed so much in last six years when I was not able to keep a track on it"
"Yeah but everyone knows the difference between power bank and a hard disk"
"Okay genius you win", Debbie said with fake disappointment and Lou laughed loudly.
"Fuck you baby. You are supposed to be on my side"
"Well that I am but you accepting defeat even though for fun is something strange"
"Fuck you"
"That you do", Lou muttered under her breath and Debbie lightly blushed. Hela didn't understand that word so didn't react.
Debbie gave Lou flying kiss and Lou pretended to catch it and pressed her hand to her heart.
"Jesus... There are kids here", Constance yelled from other side.
"That's why we kept it G. Or else we would go for R or NC 17", Debbie replied quickly.
She then looked at the two ladies sitting on either side. Their similar body language and table manners was a sight to see.
"Helly do you have any preferences regarding your outfit?", Lou asked.
"Comfortable and easy wearing. Not the gowns or those dresses", Hela said while making a face. She always hated such dresses.
Lou laughed knowing exactly what Hela meant. She too hates dresses.
"Which means you want your own 'Lou Miller wardrobe'. Am I right, Lou?", Debbie asked smirking.
"Someone is appreciating my choice of clothing so I am in support of Helly", Lou grinned.
Hell, though she knew they were pulling each other's leg couldn't just let go Lou's words.
I am in support of Helly... I am in support of Hela... I am in support of mum
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