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My past doesn't define me.
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KAYLEIGH ELLIOTT
"COME ON BABE, just for thirty mins," Josh says as he tugs on my arm.
I look at him over my shoulder and stab my pen into my notebook. I shake my head. "I can't, I need to finish this reading for class."
Josh groans then rolls his eyes. Dropping my arm, he walks back over to my bed and jumps on it. His body falling down which makes the bed squeak loudly. "You work all the fucking time Kayleigh, it's annoying."
I turn around to him again. "Are you serious?" I ask in disbelief. "We aren't spending all this money on college for nothing! I need to do well, I need to study."
"That's not what I mean," Josh replies as he plays with one of my fluffy pillows. His eyes then find mine and he looks bored. "We haven't had sex in forever Kayleigh."
I know that we haven't been having much sex lately but I've been drowned in work. And recently my self-esteem has hit the floor.
Probably because I have been constantly comparing myself to other girls and why I don't look like them.
"I'm sorry, once this essay is out the way then I'll be all yours." I smile at him.
He just stares back. Letting out a strained sigh, "God, that'll be forever then."
I choose to ignore him and quickly finish my work. Is he getting bored of me? Do I need to put out more? Why can't he understand that studying is important to me?
Dropping my pen and walking over to the bed. I lean down and catch Josh's lips with mine. He moves his head away and continues to text on his phone.
"Seriously?" I question as I sit back on my knees.
He doesn't give me one glance. I narrow my eyes at him. "Josh?"
His eyes finally meet mine. "Oh, so now you want my attention?"
My hands reach out to grip his face to pull him closer but he moves again. Sitting on the edge of the bed. He's still typing away on his phone. A smile playing on his lips.
What the hell was his problem?
I look over his shoulder and watch as he texts on iMessage... to a girl named Emma.
Furrowing my eyebrows as I notice the 'xx's and the stupid, cringeworthy emojis.
I have no idea who Emma is and why he is being that friendly to her. An unsettling feeling inside me raises in my stomach. It makes me feel sick.
"Who's that?" I ask quietly.
Josh whips his head around to me, his dark brown eyes look emotionless. He locks his phone so that I can no longer see the thread of messages. When he doesn't say anything it just angers me further.
"Who is Emma? I know that I had work to do but I want to spend time with you now."
Josh then stands up, his tall frame towering over me. He looks pissed off.
Not again.
"Are you having a laugh?" He spits at me. "God Kayleigh, you are so bloody insecure! Would you just trust me for one God damn moment?"
I flinch at his tone.
"I am so sick and tired of you acting like a fucking psycho. You need to chill out, I'm allowed to text other girls if I want to. It's your problem if you think there is something going on." He then grabs his jacket from the side.
I can feel tears build in my eyes. "Josh wait," I beg desperately. My eyes watch him wander to the door and everything in me doesn't want him to leave. "I'm sorry."
He turns around and takes one last look at me. "I'll see you later," he mumbles before slamming the door shut behind him, making me jump.
My lips quiver and I bury my head in my hands. My heart clenches in pain as I think about how much we have been arguing lately, and it mostly ends like this.
The reason why I am so insecure is because I know that he's been messaging girls behind my back, friendly or not.
And I was stupid enough to not do anything about it. I just let him carry on.
Believing that I am acting psycho like he said.
I cannot let him get bored of me, I don't want him to leave me.
I love him.
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"Kayleigh," Evie's whisper in my ear snaps me back into reality.
I drop my pen onto the auditorium floor, I reach forward to pick it up quickly. Then I tap it onto the edge of the table, my body feeling irritated.
Looking forward towards the screen, this lecture was killing me. Not that I had really been listening.
"Are you okay?" Evie whispers again.
I turn to her a force a smile. "Mmmm hmm,"
Evie's eyes narrow at me, a look of worry covers her face. I try to write down some notes onto my paper but my hands begin to shake.
Evie places her hand over mine. "Come, let's go." She says instantly noticing my discomfort.
Grabbing my stuff and packing it away into my bag, I follow her out of the lecture hall. I hadn't noticed that my breathing had become quick and irregular.
Once we get outside, the fresh crisp air hits me and I don't hesitate to take a big deep breath. Leaning onto the cold brick wall behind me.
"I'm worried about you Kay," Evie breathes out as she looks at me.
I shake my head towards her. "I'm fine Evie, promise." I fake smile again.
"You don't need to lie to me, I'm your best friend. Please, just let me help you." She drops her bag onto the floor and leans on the wall with me.
Looking directly forward, I can feel her stare into the side of my head. I sigh and realise maybe it is best to talk about it. I don't want to end up like I was before. I couldn't get myself into that situation again.
"The last few weeks I've just been having flashbacks and it's making me feel all these emotions. Ones that I don't want to be feeling," I mumble as I look down to the floor.
"Do you need to go back to the hospital Kay? I can take you," she says as she nods towards me.
I swallow harshly. "I'm not that bad, I just... I just-" I sigh feeling frustrated that I can't word how I am feeling. "I'm just having a moment."
Evie's hand comes up to rub my arm soothingly. "It's okay," she encourages.
"I haven't thought about him in ages and then all of a sudden it's all I can think about. And all I can think about is how useless and stupid and insecure I am." I say angrily. My eyes lay on the garbage can in front of me.
Tears threatening my eyes, but I don't let them fall.
"Hey," Evie squeezes my arm. "You are not those things, okay?"
Then I finally turn to look Evie in the eye. "But that's all I feel when I think back to times with him."
"Why are you thinking about him?" She probes and then I look away from her. "Hmm? He's a piece of shit and you are so much better than him."
I quickly wipe my eye before a tear falls. I hated crying.
"That weekend I went to Ava's I barely thought about him or about my feelings." I look up to the ceiling, attempting to make my tears fall back into my head.
"Barely?" Evie questions, her head tilting at me slightly.
I nod. "Yeah, when I was with Kayden I never thought of hi—" then I cut myself off when I realise what I have said.
"Kayden, huh?" Evie raises her eyebrow at me. "The guy that made you come loads?"
I turn to her and cannot help the corners of my mouth twitch up to her. "That was the perfect time to say that," I mumble.
Evie laughs.
"Why don't you message him?" She suggests. "It sounds like you guys had a good time together."
I shrug. "I just don't want to put myself in a position to get hurt again, what if boys are all the same?"
"Kayleigh!" Evie says rather loudly which startles me. "Boys are not the same. Josh is just a fucking idiot dickbrain, okay? There is nothing wrong with trying to get to know someone, you guys could just be friends."
I take in Evie's words. Maybe she's right.
"And I know I said you need time to be single, so maybe just hang out with him like friends. Get an understanding of what he's really like without having sex." She smiles at me.
"Maybe you're right," I say as I push myself off the wall.
"Right, let's get lunch!" Evie declares as she reaches for her bag on the floor.
"But what about the lecture?" I say as I point towards the auditorium.
"Pffft," she waves a hand in front of her face. "Fuck the lecture, we have worked way too hard these last weeks."
I laugh at her words. "Now that I can agree with,"
Evie grins at me and slumps her arm over my shoulder. "I want pizza," she states as we walk towards the cafeteria.
I hum in agreement. If I didn't think anything could fix how I am feeling right now, pizza could definitely try.
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I was feeling a lot better after my little chat with Evie. My thoughts were killing me. Now, not so much. I sit in my room listening to a Podcast on mindfulness and positive thinking. It was very insightful and made me think about things in different ways.
God bless the internet.
Evie's words play through my head on repeat.
Should I message Kayden?
It makes me nervous thinking about it, he makes me nervous.
He probably won't even want anything to do with me now. It's been weeks and I doubt he's been waiting around for me to give him a call.
But I could always just try?
My eyes look towards my calendar sitting above my desk, my day tomorrow was completely free.
I bite my lip as I sit up and reach for my phone. I scroll through my contacts and let my thumb hover over his name.
Am I really going to do this?
Then I close my eyes and press his name, I hear my phone begin to call.
"Oh fuck," I say quietly as I hold the phone to my ear.
Anxiety bubbles inside me.
One ring.
This was a bad idea
Two rings.
My palms are definitely getting sweaty.
Three rings.
Oh God, abort mission.
Four rings.
Yep, I probably should hang u—
"Hello?"
Pausing for a brief second. As does my heart. Hearing his voice sent the weirdest tingle down my spine.
I purse my lips. "Hey stranger," I say as confidently as I can.
"Kayleigh?" His voice is full of disbelief.
I smile, tucking my legs up to my chest. "You sound surprised."
He laughs quietly. "That's because I am,"
"Should I not have called?" I say as I narrow my eyes slightly.
"No, I'm glad you called." He said, his voice sounding honest. My heart clenches as I think about him being happy I did. "What's up?"
I fall back onto my bed and twirl a piece of hair around my index finger. "I was just wondering if you wanted to hangout?"
"Hangout?" He questions.
"Not a date or anything, just something chill." I say casually, I was trying to pass this off like it wasn't really anything. When really this was everything.
The thought of seeing Kayden again was making my stomach flip.
"When?" His voice is smooth and soft.
I shrug. "Tomorrow? I have a free day, I could show you around campus... if you wanted to."
Kayden stays silent for a few moments. "So have you finished with your studying?" He challenges me.
I smirk at his words. "Okay smarty pants, I've been working extremely hard these last few weeks. Maybe I just need time to have a bit of a break."
"Ohhhh," Kayden says. "So you're just using me for fun?" I can tell he's joking because he has a slight raise in his voice.
"Shut up," I say as I roll my eyes. "So do you want to come over or what?"
He laughs again and it makes me feel some type of way. I wish I could hear it forever.
"Sure," he says. "I got some bits to do in the morning but I can come by in the afternoon."
I smile. "Fine by me," I breathe out. "I'll text you the details?"
"I look forward to it Kayleigh."
I clutch the phone tighter.
"Bye Kayden,"
"Bye."
Then I hang up and extend both my arms out on the bed, phone still in my hand. I was going to see Kayden again and I couldn't fucking wait.
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Hey lovelies, I hope you liked this chapter! if you did please leave a comment and a vote!
That mini flashback is a tiny tiny tiny insight into Kayleigh and Josh's relationship. I wonder what you guys take from it?
We will slowly learn more about it but my heart actually goes out to her. I know so many girls that have been made to believe that they are psychos for being suspicious about their boyfriends and it's sad. Think thats boys only defence mechanism when they know that they are doing something wrong.
Who is excited for more Kayleigh and Kayden? Because I sure am and I can't wait!!
See you guys on the next one, Savanna x