After three weeks...
XANDER'S POV
I really hate making big decisions. If you think about it, you'll just have to choose between two or more options.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe...
Sounds easy, right? But it was not just about choosing the best shirt color for the day...or what to watch between Marvel and DC movies. We encounter tons of these choices every day.
But what struck me a few weeks ago was not just a small dilemma. It was the hardest one that I have ever encountered in my life, and that was choosing between the life of my unborn daughter...
...and her mother, the woman who I was about to marry.
It's not about the nature of your final decision. There's no such thing as a right or wrong one. It can be right for you, if and only if...
...you are willing to make the effort to make it one.
You've been browsing Google for some inspiring quotes again. It's time to sleep, Man. Your eye bags—I mean, eye suitcases are scaring me.
That is the secret to move forward and keep your life going, the secret to not giving in with the thoughts of giving up, and the secret to defying the pits of depression, or worse, suicidal thoughts. God will not give us problems if there are no solutions to it. You don't have to kill yourself because you have already lost all your hope.
Emily once told me that. She always amused me whenever she transformed into her sexy psychologist persona, in which she really was...
It has been almost a month now, and I fucking miss her. I miss her so much it hurts, and I feel so fucking lost.
I wasn't totally sure about my final decision, but when it was based on your instinct and without the influence of others— the burden will slowly lift up, and everything starts to becomes easier.
It's true, really. Everything lightened up, most especially at that moment when I finally got to hold my daughter's tiny hands...
The sight of this little creature lying inside the incubator has been keeping me sane each day. My precious bit of a survivor weighed 1lb 4oz at twenty-two weeks and five days and is just the size of my palm. She definitely has defied the odds. I really felt so blessed that I was given this miracle baby, and I would do everything to take care of her, to be always involved in her treatment and to make it sure that she will grow up into a healthy young girl without any major health issues.
She looks like a red potato, so translucent I can see her organs through her skin. Her ears hadn't fully developed and neither had her lungs, and she also has a ventricular septal defect or what we call a hole in her heart, but I made it sure that she is under the care of experts in the country.
The medical staff whisked her away right after the emergency surgery and brought her to the NICU. They immediately intubated her and gave her doses of surfactant. I was so relieved when my colleagues reported that her condition was somehow stabilized after a few hours. They didn't waste any second and I couldn't be any more thankful.
Dr. Mills, a consultant neonatologist in a specialized hospital for newborns in Chicago told us that for the past two years, he has already treated a number of preemies born between 21 and 23 weeks and who were able to pull through with just a few health problems, so I put a brave and hopeful face despite the possibility of infection and her underdeveloped internal organs collapsing. Dr. Mills is pretty popular, and he is one of the doctors that I have been looking up to since I was in med school. He is one of, if not the best doctors for preemies that I know in the country, the reason why I didn't waste any time to transfer Alexa to a hospital in Chicago where he is working so she will totally be under his service.
Don't get me wrong. I love working at Women's Royal Hospital and I have my full trust in them, but I think it's better for my little preemie to be in a hospital that is mainly specialized for babies and has all the needed advanced equipment and experts around the world.
It's an hour drive from Evanston but I didn't think about the cost and the location as I am totally meticulous on her prognosis.
Alexa had a lung infection for the past five days and is currently receiving another antibiotic and next month, she is scheduled for the heart surgery to close the hole. My baby girl is thriving so far as if she knows that she has to be brave for us. As if she knows that we are expecting a lot from her. Looking at her condition, I can tell that she'll be here for like four or five more months before I can finally take her home with me.
"Hey, little bit. You are so cute...Do you know that?" I whisper against the plastic dome as I gently caress her tiny hand with my finger through the opening at the side. She's so precious yet so delicate, just like her mom, and I've never prayed so much in my life since she came into this world. She will be able to make it. I know she will because if not, it will definitely crush my heart, and will shatter her mother's wish...
I am pulled back to Earth by the sound of my phone ringing.
Startled, I immediately pick it up. It's Daniel.
"Dad,"
My old man has been distracted in the school for the past few weeks because he is also greatly affected by all these happenings lately.
"Son, how is it going there?"
I release a heavy breath before answering him, "Baby's doing fine. She's my little fighter,"
"Sure she is, and I'm pretty sure that she got it from her grandpa."
We both chuckled in unison.
"But how are you, Alexander? I will not be surprised if you will suddenly collapse out there," he says in his deep, concerned voice.
"Don't worry, Daniel. I won't try to kill myself this time," I try to joke him, but there are no signs of him being amused from the other line. He probably again remembered how I nearly killed myself when my mom Anya died years ago.
"You have to take care of yourself, Son. Hannah and I have discussed that you stay with us for a while when you get home,"
"I'm fine, Dad. I'm just..." I run a hand through my hair as this warm burden fills my heart when my thoughts are filled with Emily again.
"...is there any good news for me there?"
There's a long pause before he speaks again, softly,
"No,"
One word, two letters, but it came off as a loud explosion in my eardrum. My throat aches as I hold back a tear.
Why is life so cruel to me this year?! I so damn miss her, you know! I am craving to hug her right now. Her warmth, her smell, her smile...God!
I miss her too but you have to keep your composure, Man.
I blink the tears away and put on a positive face.
"Did you talk to Rebecca?" I say in a cracked voice.
"Yes. I just came from the hospital, and there are no signs of any progress. I'm really sorry, Alexander, but I think you just have to be more patient. We need to hope for the best."
To be honest, I'm really tired of waiting. But I have to be more patient.
I stare at Alexa's little sleeping face and imagine her growing up into a healthy young girl with her mom smiling beside her. The beautiful thought made the mitochondria inside my cells release energy, and I'm all suddenly hyped up with genuine positivity.
"Well, I guess I have to go, Dad. I badly want to see her now."
"Alright, Son. See you here then and don't do anything stupid, okay? You have to be strong. We all have to be strong in times like this." My father really cares for Emily, even before when she was still his student, and her condition is also affecting him.
My jaw clenches in tension. "I am strong, Dad."
"I know you are now. You really have changed a lot, and you know I'm proud of you."
His comment made me light again. I can't even recognize the previous versions of myself; the rebel and suicidal boy and the adult fuckboy of a doctor who was once tagged as a fucking virgin killer, metaphorically.
The woman who has changed me has been sleeping for the past three weeks and now, it's time for her to wake up.
The next morning...
I'm finally back to Evanston, for the nth time as I've been juggling two hospitals every week that were like forty kilometers apart. It's pretty exhausting to jump from one place to another, but never in the slightest bit that I thought about surrendering. My love for my girls has been giving me this endless supply of energy that I needed to continue moving forward.
It's a wintry but fine morning. I take a peek at the sky through my windshield and let my eyes relax at the baby-blue skies as opposed to the washed-out grey of Chicago yesterday. The puffy clouds are looming over the spacious road and are giving me these feel that better things are about to come.
I filed a leave from work, and I am currently jobless. I let Jace manage my studio and website for the meantime, though I'm checking it whenever I get time as well.
Seeing the Women's Royal Hospital building emerging from my view gives me chills down my spine. This hospital is like Emily to me now, as a lot of things happened to her in this building.
I hope everyone has decided to prank and surprise me just like what they did to my last birthday, as I am fantasizing about entering her room and seeing her beautiful smile again.
Don't get your hopes too high, Man. Disappointment is the worst enemy of expectations.
Man, you're ruining it.
I slowly shake my head at my own killjoy thoughts. Jace has left a few messages earlier, as well as Rebecca and Dr. Jacobs, and the former one was inquiring about the exact time that I will be in the hospital. They must be really pranking me, and I am badly hoping that they are.
My intestines are giving me this weird feeling of excitement as I am on my way to Emily's private room in the ICU. I stop on my tracks when I notice Natalie Summers coming out of the door and surprisingly this time, she doesn't look like an Instagram model who is on her way to an elite L.A. party. She is just wearing a plain pink shirt, black jogger pants, and white canvas shoes. The sight of that vintage pink luggage set rolling behind her has made one of my brows to rise. She seems to be in a hurry.
"Hey, Nat," I call her out.
She lowers her shades and relief seems to have flashed right through her widened eyes upon seeing me.
"Oh, there you are! I am so glad to see you at the last minute. How are you? How's the baby?" she enthusiastically asks.
"She's slowly thriving despite her condition, but everything will be fine. Just a few more months before I can finally take her home."
With a hand on her chest, she exhales an air of relief. "Thank God. That's great to hear."
"Who's in there?" I ask her as I pull her to the side to have small chitchat with her in private.
"Mrs. Maxwell, Curt, Jace, and Amber. They are all waiting for you. I think your dad is on the way,"
Good thing our hospital has open visiting hours, including the ICU and the visitor number limit is always based on the patient's case.
Natalie's forehead wrinkles as she rakes my form with her eyes from head to toes.
"What?" I curiously ask.
"You look so...different. It has just been like two weeks since I last saw you but where did all the buffness go? Do you still eat?"
I just scratch the back of my head and gave her a lopsided smile. Heaving a sympathetic sigh, she extends an arm to give me a gentle pat on the shoulder while boring my eyes with her concerned ones.
Natalie has been visiting Emily in the hospital for the past three weeks. Her concern with my fiancé was consistent ever since she brought her to the hospital.
The actress-model has also gotten to know everyone and became close to Rebecca, Jace, and Amber. Unfortunately, Emily didn't like her, and I totally understand her reason.
"From your invasion of privacy with my nude photos to the CCTV incident, then that serious kidnapping case and mafia involvement, to the messy trial with your former nurse and now this...Wow." she flips her hair to put emphasis on her amusement.
That lowkey summarized this boo—the shitty times of your life, Man.
"Thanks for reminding me of all that shit. It seems neverending. I guess my karma is still enjoying her comeback." I remark with pure bitterness on my tone.
"I was there...during all of it, under the weirdest and unexpected circumstances," she recalls with a faraway look entering her eyes.
"Sorry for doubting you, and about that thing with Jace inside the car..." I don't know why I suddenly remembered what I did to her inside the car with a gun. I know it's horrible, and I really regretted it.
A red tinge crept across her face as she blinks, seemingly ashamed at the recollection.
And then it hits me. How can I forget? She seriously thought that Jace and I were planning to have a threesome with her.
"I just came with your friend because he told me that he's gonna give me a cute dog. I have never had a fan who gave me a dog, and I have always wanted to have one." she defensively explains, and I am just trying my best to hide my smirk. She has already explained that for like sixty-nine times already.
She composes herself again. "The kidnapping case was equally worse with this, as you almost lost your life but if you ask me, I don't think it's a good time to give up." she says.
A corner of my lip quirks up at her encouragement. "You're right, Nat."
She didn't say a word after then. I just stand there while we look into each other's eyes, just letting her words engulf the whole of me.
"That's why it's hard not to be friends with you guys...especially with you." she blinks, and then looks away for a second before looking at me again with a momentous expression, "I mean, we just keep on bumping into each other, and not in the destiny or any other romantic bullshit kind of way, you feel me?"
Um, I think I get her, but I don't know how to respond to that, actually.
You can be really dense sometimes, Man.
"Emily doesn't like you, do you know that?" The words have already poured out of my mouth before I was able to stop them.
She smiles, a disheartened one. "I know. I always had the feeling ever since you introduced me to her at that club, and as a woman, I understand her."
We fell into silence for a brief moment before I speak again.
"I'm sorry, did I make it awkward now?"
She chuckles lightly, "Like duh? No, not at all. I'm just happy that I have met you guys. But in spite of how awesome this can be, I think it's better to leave it like this here, you know."
In an alternate universe, she can be a really great female friend. It's still possible to have a platonic friendship with the opposite sex, you know. Even if you had a small history with her.
I think it depends on the woman, Bro.
"Do you want to come inside and stay for a few more minutes?" I offer while feeling a little sorry for the friendship that will be ended today. In all honesty, I can't imagine myself falling in love with another woman, or at least looking at another female in a malicious way. It's only Emily that I want and love and no one else.
"Actually, I'm on my way to the airport. I really need to go back to L.A. A producer is considering me for a major role for a sci-fi romance movie, and we will be having a meeting tonight."
"Wow, that's awesome. I'm sure it will take time to produce and make a movie, but we will surely look forward to it."
"I just passed by to see Emily and everyone again so I can say goodbye." she heaves another sigh again before reaching for her luggage. "You know what, Emily might suddenly wake up and kill me instead if she sees us talking." she teases.
"No...No. She's not like that. She's the sweetest and the most innocent human being I have ever met."
"Emily is so lucky to have you."
I just smiled at her words. She then rakes a hand through her silky blonde hair and continues, "So... with all due respect to Emily, I guess this is it?" she offers her hand at me for an awkward handshake, and I receive it with a firm smile.
"Goodbye, Alexander. Just send my regards to Amber and everyone. Your friends are gold. You should keep them. And please, say hi to Emily when she wakes up." she winks at her last words.
"You're a good woman, Natalie."
"You're a good man yourself, Alexander. Goodbye."
I gratefully watch her as she drags her suitcase along the hallway until she disappears at the corner.
With my insides tingling in the excitement of seeing my Emily again, I finally headed inside the room without knocking on the door. My fists immediately ball up the moment my eyes laid on her who is strung up in the hospital bed with all these machines, bedside ventilator support and 24-hr monitoring system for bodily functions, a web of IV lines, NGT, suction pumps, drains, catheter, and the cardiac monitor that was installed on the wall above her so it would be easy for everyone to see. My heart is drowned with different emotions. All these shit that are surrounding her in this small room are so overwhelming to look at.
Rooms inside hospitals, especially the private, intensive ones are desperately trying to look like someone's bedroom when they're far from it. The depressing ambiance that radiates from the sick patient just sucks out the homy personality from it. I just realized it the first time I entered this private room as a visitor and not as a doctor who is about to do his rounds and check up on his patients.
Curt and Amber are sitting wearily on the common sitting area in the family space, softly talking to each other while Rebecca is on the bedside holding Emily's hands. She is just staring at her daughter numbly, barely blinking or breathing. Jace is standing by the window, taking a peek at the outside world while seemingly buried deep in his thoughts. He turns around the moment I opened the door and seems dumbfounded at seeing me.
"Oh, wow, look at you! You look like a total shit the toilet must be looking for you,"
Thanks to Natalie, I am now aware of how I look; scruffy hair, unshaven beard, and a somewhat malnourished look.
In short, a caveman.
I caught Amber giving him the eye to which he just shrugged his shoulder but I am not the slightest bit offended. I am used to this guy.
Amber saves the moment, "Jace and I just came, actually, and there are some paparazzi out there. They were asking us about Alexa and Emily's condition."
"Just don't answer them. I need some privacy, please. How long have you guys been here? Where's Dad?"
"Just an hour ago. Mr. Greene is on his way with Hannah and Beth."
I head straight towards Rebecca and pulls her up into a firm hug that lasted for a few minutes. She's just as tense as I am.
"You're not sleeping and eating properly, are you?" I ask her tenderly. I feel something struck my chest when I notice that her face has gotten older than the last time I saw her. I can tell that she's not getting enough of sleep. She has been practically living here in the ICU since Emily fell into a coma to be with her 24-hours.
"How can I when I keep on anticipating my sweet Lily to finally wake up?" she softly addresses.
I fucking feel her.
"Do you think she can hear us?" Curtis finally speaks. He is now curled up in the chair, knees hugged to his chest.
I sigh before answering him. "It depends on how deep her coma is."
I inch toward the bedside table to check the manual monitoring sheets. The pattern in her GCS monitoring sheet shows that she is in a deep coma state and there are no signs of any progress since her admission.
I don't think she can hear or even feel us," I sadly tell them before collapsing with a heavy thud in the seat next to Rebecca.
"I always talk to her even if she's sleeping, just like what you and Dr. Jacobs have advised," Rebecca reports.
"Just keep on doing that, Rebecca. Good stuff relaxes her heart and massages her subconscious so it might help."
"We really miss her, Xander." Amber emotionally utters, her words gripping my chest tight.
Jace proceeds to squeeze my shoulder. "You good?" he asks.
I turn to give him a barely perceptible nod. We then start talking about Alexa and my plans for the next month. I don't have a concrete one, to be honest, as only God knows when Emily is going to wake up.
The energy inside the room is palpable. Everyone is tired at this point. We all fell into silence and let the constant beeping of the machine dominate the room. It has been a minute— not a single word, and my eyes have never left my bedridden love.
"Guys, can you give me a moment with her, please?" I request, finally breaking the silence. I badly want to be left alone with her.
Rebecca gives me another tight hug before leaving the room.
When I was finally left alone, I sit on Rebecca's place at the bedside and reach for Emily's hand. My body crumbles at the contact of our warmth, then falls forward toward her and finally heaves with sobs.
She is slightly leaning to the left, facing me, and despite looking so pale and fragile and having a life support tube on her mouth, she still managed to look so beautiful.
"You're my beautiful sleeping beauty, and you're going to wake up soon, right baby?" I smile despite the tears pooling on the corners of my eyes and blurring my vision.
"Our baby is waiting for her mommy to wake up and she cannot wait to see you..."
I lift her hand up and give it a kiss.
"Do you remember our little debate about which eye color she will have? Well, guess what. She has these beautiful blue-green orbs. She got both, so no one lost, okay?" I let out a little laugh at the end as I remember how eager she looked on wanting Alexa to have her eye color. My Emily can be a little competitive sometimes.
"Her room is also ready now, designed with all these stuff that you have suggested. I also filled it with toys and I painted the walls pink, just exactly what you wanted." I reported and just talking to her like this made my chest lighter.
I hold the sides of her head, stare intently at her for a few moments before planting a firm kiss on the top of her head. I also give her a soft peek on her cheek.
"Why do you always get sick, baby? You're so weak...but so adorable. It's like you were really designed to be with me, a doctor." I smile at my own thoughts, and again remember how annoyed I was with her before. I really used to be a jerk to her, and I initially thought I only wanted to fuck her, but little did I realize that she actually intrigued me, and now...
I can't live without her.
God, I miss kissing her already!
"I miss you, Baby...Please wake up. Please. Our little bit is waiting for you. She needs you...I need you. Emily, please. Wake up." I am practically begging at this point.
To be honest, there were a lot of moments that I have questioned my final decision. Emily wished or rather, demanded to wait for another week to do the surgery, but with the help of her family and Dr. Jacobs, I was able to convince her to proceed with the surgery at that moment or else I will surely lose them both.
Of course, I chose her. That was my final decision. She's the love of my life, and we can always make more babies in the future. I didn't have any choice despite her further protests, but I also trusted my instinct. My decision has a chance to save both of them. I have to take a huge risk in exposing my little fighter outside even though she is not ready yet. I have to trust that a small percentage of her survival.
Everything was stable before she was taken to the operating theatre for the emergency C-section. Even though her blood test results were normal, she was still monitored by our resident hematologist all throughout the procedure but in the middle of the surgery, her heart suddenly stopped beating.
Yes. It fucking stopped, and everyone was in chaos. I felt like the whole world crashed onto me.
It started beating again when Alexa was finally taken out of her, but due to the lack of oxygen in her brain, she fell into a coma. And now, she hasn't woken up yet.
The idea of going from the highest of emotions of having the doctors whisk my twenty-two-week old preemie away who can barely survive the outside world at that time to the next moment where you think you're going to be saying goodbye to the love of your life was just... indescribably painful.
I discussed her case with Dr. Jacobs and some of our fellow doctors, and after a series of tests and research to properly diagnose the cause of her heart failure that eventually led to her coma, we finally came up with this rare condition called peripartum cardiomyopathy.
It's a form of heart failure that affects previously healthy women in the final months of pregnancy or the weeks following delivery. It happens in about one in every 4,000 pregnancies and anywhere from 25 to 50 percent of those affected don't survive.
It was actually a miracle that her heart started beating again when Alexa was delivered, but the problem is, her brain wasn't able to wait for her heart to recover. She has already fallen into a coma, and we have also noted that her liver problem caused by eclampsia has worsened her condition.
We actually don't know what causes peripartum cardiomyopathy, but researchers are investigating several possibilities: including genetics and various viruses.
Diagnosing it is especially difficult because the symptoms can be mistaken for normal pregnancy ones.
Ah, the wonders and dangers of maternal health.
This is a lesson learned for me. Next time, I have to further check my patients with similar conditions, because this possibility could happen anytime. Sometimes, those things that we thought are normal can actually be the one that could put an end to us.
Emily has to be okay. She has to wake up because that's the only thing that would make sense. I am not sure how gloomy my world will be without her in it.
Man, she is literally our life, you know...
I know, Bro. I know.
I just find myself crying harder at the thought of losing her. My chest is so heavy, my throat is so painful that I have a hard time swallowing, and I am finally breaking down.
I look intently at her, again memorizing all the details on her face just like what I always do when she sleeps. She's also sleeping now, but the only difference is, she might sleep for good, and I don't think that I could accept that possibility.
I am expecting to see any slight movement of her finger, or a trembling of her eyelids... or lips, or a slight turn of her head...you know, just like those stuff in the movies when a drop of a lover's tear will suddenly wake the comatose patient up, or the sound of the lover crying will alert her subconscious and rouse her again but... nothing happened.
She remains still and her hand seems to have gotten colder... ? Wait a minute.
The sound of the machine is steady, rhythmic, and hypnotic until...
Beep... Beep... Beep... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-
I jerk at the sound of the flatline that has suddenly echoed through the four corners of the depressing ICU room.
I am frozen in a fraction of a second, my feet seemingly nailed to the ground. I feel like cold water from Iceland has been splashed against my face.
CALL FOR A CODE FUCKING BLUE RIGHT NOW, MAN!
My inner self shouting at me prompted me to press the intercom and exclaim,
"Code blue! Medical team with crash cart STAT!" I burst out.
I check all the connections and after verifying the asystole, I didn't wait for another second. I started doing chest compressions, so desperately while my body continues to flush out tears and cold sweat.
"No, no, no. Emily, no. Don't leave me! Please!" I exclaim in gritted teeth as I continue doing the chest compressions.
I watch in horror as the scene unfolds before me like the worst nightmare in my life. The door bursts open, and the entourage of medical personnel, my colleagues, flood into the room.
"She did it again!" One doctor exclaims.
I can hear someone yelling, another doctor, urgency flooding her voice, but I am so damn keen on giving the compressions, so desperate to stabilize her heart.
"Push an amp of epi!" The doctor's familiar voice echoed through my ears, and I turn to see that it was Dr. Jacobs.
"Emily, please! Fight!" I can hear Amber's crying voice from the distance and Rebecca's hysterical crying. I can practically imagine Jace's tensed face from here, and how Curt punched the wall as he silently cries.
"Why are they not giving her that shock yet?" I heard Curt exasperatedly asking Amber. Defibrillation is not recommended to a comatose patient despite commonly appearing on medical dramas as a remedy for asystole. It makes no sense to shock someone in a flatline as there is basically no disorganized electrical activity to try to reset with a shock in the first place.
I can feel and hear everything, but I am so focused on giving her the compressions. A minute feels like an hour, and I am not giving up despite my body almost doing so, thanks to the adrenaline.
"Xander...Save her please!" Rebecca pleads while crying.
There's one thing on my mind every time I push straight down her chest; I am not going to lose her.
"We're losing her!" Dr. Jacobs negates my thoughts as she looks at the monitor in horror. It has been more than five minutes, and there is still no electrical activity.
"Push another amp!" I exclaim, and they immediately obliged.
An intern tries to relieve me with the compression but I shove him away.
"Come on, Sweetie! Please fight! Oh, God!" Rebecca bellows from the corner, the sound of her crying agitates me even more.
"Come on, come on, come on! Fuck! Come on, Baby! Don't be stubborn!" I exclaim in gritted teeth with tears non-stop streaming down my face.
The sound of flatline continues, and so is the acceleration of my heartbeat. I am expecting to hear a shift to a stable sinus rhythm any second from now, just like those in the movies where a miracle happens with will power and determination.
But unfortunately, this is real life.
*****To be continued*****
A/N:
The most-awaited EPILOGUE is already updated! Thank you! ❤️
Edit: Posted already☺️
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