the time has come to speak of demons
i get shivers just thinking of the topic
and not for fear, but from excitement
the strange alluring power of the dark
so esoteric, claws you in, that is its job
to say they're not attractive is to let them rule you
so, one night i decided to face them
come forth, i stated as intention
and drank ayahuasca
the shaman thought that i was crazy
but i refused to view myself a pussy
waited by the fire
suddenly everyone was looking, pointing, laughing
eyes bulging out at me, the skinny flat girl
my back bends into hunchback and i stutter
out comes my russian accent, paranoia seeping in
just like in high school when you
smoked too much weed and got the greenies
"i'm going to lie down," i say
knowing what they're thinking
look at this loner, outsider
she does not fit in
and i see it in their eyes, ugh
fucking assholes, just be nice!
wrestling with the blanket
just cover me, i want to hide
awkward body contorts into position
i close my eyes, prepared to take the brutal beating
gigantic middle finger flies at me from nowhere
angry eyes, moving patterns of fury
they've arrived
shit! i try to push them off
i'm stronger, they have no power
remembering what's right, i try envisioning the light
and fail; shut the fuck up and listen!
they wail
i don't, i pray and call to God
where is he?
has he abandoned me?
gosh, it was all me, i asked for this
what the hell was i thinking? how long must this go on?
these visions are so fucking freaky
they're gloating, laughing, growing
gigantic dominant masculine figures
raging juggernauts with blood-shot eyes
popping veins on bulging muscles
jesus christ, so evil
noooooo!
God loves me, he will save me
but where is he? they are strong and mocking me
you think he’ll save you?
you think your prayers will save you?
you're nothing but a stupid worthless bitch
there is no god, we are you!
i push and i resist
while darkness is all around me
the shaman comes by with a hug, a second of kindness
but instantly judges and smudges
wanting to lock me in this room
alone with them
perhaps foolishly thinking my demons will get him
when all i want to do is spend this trip aside
but still see and hear the others outside
close to me, with the door open
Love is not necessarily physical proximity
Love is Spirit, as Faith and Hope
and at the deepest core i know that
once i overcome, i'll join the group
but judgment makes me choke
i try to puke
it's supposed to help
i can't
eyes open, all i see is shadows
relentless feeling of dissatisfaction
nothing left but to shut the eyes
and listen, then they grow frantic
satanic symphony in a crescendo
they're fucking, abusing, murdering
destroying everything that i am
but there's no choice left but to listen
pissing their violence all over me
i'm crying from the hurt
why doesn't God love me?
hissing and sneering
why aren't my angels appearing?
domination and hate all around
sadness and weakness within me
FINE! I'LL LISTEN!!!!
you happy now? i'm listening!
i listen
suddenly, a moment of freedom
as i catch onto their monotonous rhythm
a flash of a pleasant mental state
not filled with anger, depression, hate, etc
a through this jiffy i can finally see
they’re not really me!
i catch on and immerse myself in this momentum
the visuals rearrange themselves to calmness
acceleration of vibration
blue, complex, evolved entities surround me
this is the way! this is the way!
communicate! communicate!
i understand, yes, i am finally out of misery
though only for a second, the peace ends rapidly
disintegrates into familiar darkness
well, no complaining now
intention has been set
and must work itself out
ok then, give me everything you got!
i challenge the dark lords
with new found bravery
ha-ha! i now know their game
they smile with unexpected friendliness
(i guess everyone deserves to be heard)
a shrewd wink at me for my insight
and return to their harassing
of which i've now grown bored
standing up is easy now
i walk out to fresh air, the others watch
my confidence in moving to behind the cabin
kneeling on the ground and vomiting
crawling spiders, worms, and centipedes
flying out my mouth in one tremendous heap
all garbage finally out
i sit up and i breathe
the biggest God-blessed sigh of pure relief
and then i notice how magnificent
the moon shines on the lake that night
so absolutely still, serene, and quiet
the shadows are still around
they'll never leave
i don’t think that's their job
as i get up, an arm of darkness grabs me
stay a while, make yourself at home
it beckons, like a crib to a babe
darkness sickens comfortingly
i wait a second and actually let it placate
now i have learned that it needs listening to
but not for long
getting up, first one knee and then the other
struggling, but succeeding, breathing
and comprehending, spitting out the last of vomit
into that black cave, i walk away
thanks for the offer, though, i don't forget to say
the night goes on
the joy expands
the worst is over
i'm with the others
talking, celebrating, singing disney songs
in unison; i am jasmine, and ariel,
and belle!
like a free bird is how i feel
confidence is what i feel
Love i feel
and all i had to do was listen
paulo coelho's words resonate
a demon is a messenger, a fallen angel
1) ignore - it will control you
2) exorcise - you will lose benefit
3) the way to win is listen
but by all means write your own chords
they just want to be heard