A few days has passed and in those few days I was still wondering what Dr Taehyung had meant. Who did I look like and why did h say that I look like "Her"? Who was she? Was she important? Did she work here? It seems as though there are too many people in here that are looking for someone or remembering someone they haven't seen or met. I just wanted answers to all these ridiculous questions and get out of this place as quickly as possible.
Again I was led to Dr Namjoon's office but instead of feeling anxious as usual, I felt a bit bothered and really didn't just didn't want to talk as much today. But I knew that he would probably ask me a whole bunch of questions and expect me to answer most of them to the best of my ability. Even standing and waiting in front of this door is starting to become a little predictable; I could just walk in there and sit without having to knock to come in, but in a place like this, who knows who could barge in and do God knows what.
"You alright, y/n?" Jin ask with his body turned slightly towards my direction.
"I"m just...I'm a little out of it" Sighing deeply as my mind wandered to the thought of walking into his office and basically just asking me so many questions I'm somewhat not prepared to ask him. It's the questions I wanted to as Namjoon but deep inside me I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable about it.
"Yeah. I see what you mean" He agrees "It's been a rough week so I understand"
"Having to come here just for you to knock on the door to let me in is becoming too predicable. Why can't I just walk in? Doesn't every psychologist, psychiatrist or whatever know their patients appointment times?" Rolling my eyes and folding my arms.
"Well let's just say that we had a few patients that would go to their doctor's unattended and tried to escape. Plus we had patients that would show up to their doctor's without appointments and just attack. That was a long time ago and now this place is heavily gated and guarded. Incidents like that has calmed down though" He places a hand on my shoulder and pats me gently and a small smile curved on my lips.
"There's no point in trying to physically fight my way out. I'll just get tackled and stay here even longer" I chuckled
"The only way you can fight your way out is by fighting your demons. But I believe you can do that...Dr Namjoon can help you do that" Jin raises his hand and knocks on the door a few times until he hears Namjoon give permission for me to come in.
The smell of sweet lavender coming from outside the office window roamed all over the room. The sun outside was already about to set and the colors of the clouds turned to a reddish orange. Again I'm welcomed with his warm smile as he sets aside some files beside him. I swear every time he smiles I could just die. To the way his dimples showed when he smiles, to the way he walks, to the sound of his luscious honey like voice was all that make me dream of having a guy like him. His charm is always to die for but yet again he makes me feel so anxious around him despite seeing him for almost a month now. Why does he continue to make me feel a certain way?
"Thanks Jin" Namjoon nods with a smile and returns his attention back to me once I took my seat. "Good afternoon, Y/N. How was your week?"
My fingers start to tap on the arms of the chair "It's been kind of rough." I shrug
He sit back in his chair with his hands folded on his lap "Is see. Care to tell me about it?"
I cleared my throat and straightened myself in the chair so that I wasn't slouching. "I've been worried about Lisa but I made a visit to her. She seems to be doing well which makes me glad"
"Visiting a friend in need is a good way to relieve some worries." He smiles "What else has been bothering you?"
"I've been...having more memories about the boy from my dreams and flashbacks. I remember who he is but I don't know if he's alive, married or lives in another country."
"Hmm" He hums. He leans over the desk and rest elbows and folds his hands, looking at me with such curiosity. "Who was he?"
"He was...my boyfriend. Actually my first love I should say" I chuckled looking down at my feet to hide my embarrassment. It felt fucking ridiculous bringing this up knowing that my developing feelings for Namjoon and for Jaebum were mixed up. "This is stupid. Let's not talk abou-"
"It's not stupid, Y/N" He reassures "Nothing you talk about with me is stupid"
I paused for a moment to think about how to even explain my confusing situation "How do I even start?" I laugh to myself.
"Take small steps, y/n." He smiles
"Okay. Umm. In my flashback he comforted me when I was alone. I was at the school's park crying because my mom and dad had a fight." I stopped to think for a moment. I didn't think telling this would be this damn difficult. "Sorry. I'm...I don't know how to tell this without feeling so emotional"
"It's okay. It's normal. Just take your time" He says as he takes out a small notepad and pen and begins to write. "Feel free to talk. I'm listening" He says softly.
"Alright...I still don't have a lot of memories of him but I just remember him calming me down and he gave me a kiss. And then he gave me a promise ring"
"I see." He says, eyes still glued to the notepad as he continued to write.
"My only problem is that...I don't know where the ring is. I think that ring can give me some sort of clue as to where he could possibly be" At this moment my legs begin to bounce up and down and my thoughts were starting to wonder all over the place.
Namjoon stops writing and puts the pen and notepad down, folds his hands together and returns his attention back to me. He gives me a soft side smile and nods for me to continue.
"I don't know if he's looking for me or even remembers me. I still can't seem to accept the fact that someone had loved me. Someone who cared deeply for me. Was it my fault?" I shake my head feeling confused and guilty "What did I do?"
"First lets bring up what we've discussed in our workshop. You remember that we talked about love right?" He asked with a raised eye brow.
"Yes"
"Remember how everyone listed all the things they hated about themselves but listed very little things about what they loved about themselves?"
"Y-yes"
"Take a moment and try to think about whether you loved yourself back then. Can you do that?"
"I...I can try" I stutter
"Trying is always good. I always tell you that" He smiles, his eyes form into beautiful almond shape.
"Okay" I took a couple of deep breathes and close my eyes and get lost on my thoughts. It was hard trying to find any sort of memory or things that I enjoyed or loved. I don't think I had any memories of joy.
"I can't think of anything"
"Anything? Nothing at all?" He asks
"No, actually"
He nods his head and rose from his seat to grab a piece of paper, a clipboard, a pencil and a few colorful markers. He walks over to me and hands them to me and walks back to his seat.
"Before you ask why I handed you those materials, it's nothing too serious or complicated" He says with a small chuckle "It's just a small exercise for you. Think of it as arts and crafts"
"Isn't arts and crafts for kids?"
"Arts and crafts has no limit when it comes to age, y/n. Here's what I want you to do. Draw and color anything. Anything that comes to mind."
I scrunched up my face "Draw anything?"
"Mmhhm. Anything"
"Hmm...okay" I took one of the colored markers and began to draw. Namjoon sits there at his desk and dribbles on his notepad once again. I traced and erase for quite a while until I felt satisfied with what I had drew. I don't know what came iver me but I found myself humming and singing to myself. I smile to myself and colored in the details to make my little art piece complete.
"I finished!" Feeling proud of myself
"Good" He stops and pulls himself closer to his desk to have a better look "Let's see what you drew"
"Umm..." Was all I could say. So I just turned the clipboard to show him.
"It's beautiful but please tell me what you drew." He grins
"I drew a picture of me dancing when I was a teen. The place that I'm dancing in was in my high school's theater."
He points to the picture "That's the audience, right?"
"Yeah...But my patents weren't there to see me" I sighed "The only one there was the boy."
"Dancing brought you joy. It was what you loved."
"Yeah...that was the only time I've actually loved who I am. Dancing was my escape."
"Hmm. Do you know what you just did, y/n" He says softly
"No...what" Looking up at him
"You thought about a memory and you loved yourself based on that memory. You loved yourself back then. I saw how happy you were when you were drawing. You said earlier that you couldn't think of anything that you loved about yourself...and you did."
"Really? Holy shit" I cursed at myself
"Maybe the reason why the boy, from your memory, was your first love was because you loved yourself and he loved you for it." Giving me a side grin. "You were pretty much in your own little world when you were drawing and you enjoyed it...That's what you should put on your list of things you love about yourself. You love that you can draw out things that brings happy memories and you love to dance."
I shake my head with confusion "B-but...what does that have to do with finding my first love?"
"You have to find what you love about yourself before you can move on to find that person who loved you. And right now you still need to work on that"
Feeling a bit down and anxious I asked "What about the promise ring he gave me? Do I just forget about it?"
He sighed to himself, pushing his glasses to the bridge of his nose "He made a promise to love you but you need to make a promise to yourself. And that promise is what I had stated earlier, y/n"
These were definitely the answers that I wanted and I grew kind of frustrated. This session just didn't seem to make any sense to me. Because he could dismiss me I in return had some questions to ask him.
"May I ask you a question, Namjoon?"
"Of course!" He grins fixing himself in his chair to give me undivided attention. "Any questions you have I'm always open to answer"
"I heard you were married once. Am I right?"
He clears his throat and fixes his tie around his neck "Hmmm...uhh..yes" He says with slight hesitation. I could almost hear the pain in his voice.
"What happened?"
"Well...love is complicated. Sometimes it doesn't work out." He says as he rose from his seat.
"Where is she now. Do you still love her?"
He clicks his tongue against his teeth as he takes off his glasses and sets them on the table. "She's someone that I still care about but is no longer in the picture. All I can do is just smile and move on." He smiles
"I find it funny how you tell me to love myself before letting love come into my life but...you on the other hand is trying to find love or fight it. Most likely fighting it. I mean...I'm not trying to offend you or-"
"No. No. It's fine. I get what you mean, y/n." He assures "But thanks for telling me that. I guess I'll see you next week same time as always. You have a good night, Mina"
"Hmm...who's Mina?"
He looks up and then looks back down avoiding my gaze. "Uhh it's no one. I accidentally called you by my assistant's name. My apologies, y/n" He says in a slight panic gathering his paperwork.
I get up from my seat and head out the door and close it behind me and went to my room. And as I walked to the room her name echoed in my head. Jealousy and anger was boiling through my veins just by that name and I didn't even know who she was. Why did it matter to me anyway?
Who is Mina?