Seattle Washington, March 11 1994
"Chris... come on... you gotta get up," I say as I stand in front of the full length mirror and pull on my Type O Negative shirt. It was after noon and Chris still hadn't gotten up yet.
"Fuck..." Chris groans and puts the pillow over his head. I adjust my shirt to make sure it looked good with my black ripped leggings and my Doc Marten's. I turn back to look at him as I throw my hair up in a messy bun and he still doesn't move. He's hungover. He was out late last night with Kim and they came back here and were messing around in the studio, which is fine, just that... I told him that he was doing a MTV Headbanger's Ball special today down at the bowling alley with Rikki Rachtman but apparently that slipped his mind... or he just didn't bother to listen to me.
Selena got us tickets to see Type O Negative play tonight at the Fenix Underground. I really wanted Chris to come with me but he had to do this Headbanger's ball special. I thought maybe if we could just forget about everything for a couple of hours, maybe we could have some fun? But it's ok, going with Selena will be just as much fun.
I sigh and make my way downstairs and head into the kitchen to pull out a glass and pour him some ice cold water, then I head back upstairs and set the water down on the table beside him. He lifts the pillow for a moment to see me set the glass down and walk back over to the mirror to finish getting ready.
"What time is it?" Chris moans groggily.
"1:00" I say adjusting my bra underneath my shirt but it wasn't fitting right so I decided to just go braless and I take it off from underneath my shirt and drop it on the chair beside the mirror.
"What time do I have to be there?" He says as he slowly sits up, his hair all messy and crazy, which was kind of cute.
"Around 6:00" I say as he takes a long drink of his water. He slowly gets up out of bed and makes his way into the bathroom and closes the door. I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to hold him and have him hold me and for us to tell each other everything is going to be ok. But, instead I finish my make up and make my way downstairs.
West Seattle Bowl, March 11 1994
"Hey fucker... long time no see," Kim jokes as we walk into the bowling alley.
"Yea right," Chris laughs. Kim immediately hands him a beer and turns to see me.
"Hey Andi... " Kim smiles and gives me a hug.
"Hey," I smile shyly when he lets go of me. Matt and Ben we already over at one of the lanes with Rikki and just one camera guy which was actually pretty cool. It looked like it was going to be pretty chill. There weren't a lot of people here at the bowling alley either, especially for a Saturday.
"Um... I going to go and wait for Selena at the bar while you guys... do your thing," I say
"Andi... come on, hang out with us..." Kim says.
"Nah, it's ok... I don't want to get in the way," I say.
"Babe, you won't be in the way..." Chris says sweetly and takes a sip of his beer. I look up at Chris and god he looked so good. His hair was spikey but messy at the same time, he was wearing my favorite cologne of his, so fresh and clean, his eyes sparkled their blue hue and his neatly trimmed beard just made me want to touch it. Fuck I miss him so much and here is standing right in front of me and all I want is for him to... to -
"No It's alright... I'll uh... just be at the bar," I say and I turn away from him as he watches me walk away from him.
"You guys alright?" Kim asks.
"Yea, yea we're fine," Chris lies.
"It's not because of us last night is it?" Kim asks.
"No, just... I don't want to talk about it... let's uh... do this thing,"
"Bowl?" Kim smirks.
"Yea that," Chris chuckles, and they head over to the bowling lane.
•
"...What do you look for in a bowling ball?" Rikki asks Chris as they stand by the ball rack.
"...I look for a ball with really big holes..." Chris smirks
"We got some balls right over here-
"Yea these, these are sexy... I like a ball like this one... this one is sexy... it's silver and marbly... " Chris says as he immediately picks up the one at the bottom of the rack and Rikki just starts to laugh.
"But it looks like the holes are a bit too small," Rikki says in a British accent.
"Yea... so I'm gonna say...screw this cause I don't like it," Chris says and quickly puts the ball back.
"So what do you look for in balls?" Rikki says pointing the mic at Kim.
"Black balls... big black balls... with ducks,"
"Now do you prefer the lighter balls?" Rikki says.
"Depends on how often I drain them," Kim smirks to the camera and Rikki laughs.
•
I sit up at the bar in the bowling alley sipping my Jack and Coke while I wait for Selena to meet me. She wanted to see Kim before we head over to the arena and so we figured we would just meet here. I glance over at the bowling lanes and see Kim and Matt taking shots while Chris was over with Rikki and the camera guy being silly.
"Hey lovie," Selena smiles when she walks up to me.
"Hey!" I smile excited back and hop off my stool and give her a hug. It's only been a few days but damn I missed her.
"Wow... you look good!" She says when she pulls away from me.
"Awe... thanks... you do to!" I say looking her over.
"Thanks... I tried that scissor trick with my shirt that you showed me but... I think yours always turn out better," She says as she turns around to show her Type O Negative shirt to me.
"Oh ok..." I say sarcastically and take a sip of my drink and she laughs. She orders a drink from the bartender and then we hop back up on our stools.
"So are they uh... still doing that Headbanger's ball thing?" Selena says as she looks over towards the bowling lanes.
"Yea... " I say and glance over to see Chris still with Rikki and Kim gives Selena such a cute wave and she waves back.
"You ok?" She asks as she takes a sip of her drink.
"Me...? Yea... yea I'm so fucking excited for tonight!" I say as I turn back to her after watching Chris and Kim with Rikki, laughing and bowling.
"Oh fuck me too!... But um... I mean... I know you're not ok, ok... but are you..." She trails off trying to find the words to explain herself.
"You mean Chris and I?" I say and take a sip.
"Yea..."She says. I sit there twirling the glass in my hand for a few moments and really think about what I should say.
"Um... honestly... I really don't fucking know anymore," I exhale and take a sip of my drink and Selena looks at me with those eyes that I had gotten used to seeing from everyone else when they found out we lost the baby.
"But... I don't want to talk about it right now..." I say and take another sip.
"Ok..." She gives me a half smile and I look away and down at my drink.
"You know you can always tell me anything... if you need to talk and you feel like you can't talk to Chris right?" She says.
"Yea... yea I know... but that's the thing... we need to talk... but I just don't know how to without making him upset or him making me upset..." I say looking at my drink. Even though I said I didn't want to talk about it, I end up talking about it anyways of course.
"Awe... Andi..." She says rubbing my arm as I try really hard not to get upset.
"So... Type O tonight whoo hoo!" I exclaim, raising my arm in the air, quickly changing the subject cause I don't want to start crying in the middle of a bowling alley.
"Fucking right!" Selena smiles excitedly and we both take a drink.
•
"...how bout..." Rikki trails off trying to think of what to bet with Chris as Chris snatches the 20 dollar bill out of his hand.
"...about 20 dollars...next guy that gets a strike," Rikki says
"A strike? For the next guy?" Chris asks him questionably.
"Which ever one gets a strike first between between me and you... gets the money,"
"Well why don't we just bowl at the same time?" Chris asks.
"Ok you bowl one and I bowl one and whoever gets the most throws... or pins knocked... gets the money...No wait... in two throws whoever gets the most pins, gets the money," Rikki says.
"Ok..ok," Chris says and they walk up to the lane to grab their bowling balls
"You know I'm actually just going to go and pay Kim to hit him in the kneecaps with a lead pipe right?" Rikki jokes to the camera man and Chris mocks him from behind him.
•
"What in the hell is Chris doing?" Selena says I turn and look towards the lanes and see Chris running down the lane, sliding on his butt and knocking down the pins. Ok What the fuck? He's so weird.
•
"Ok...ok... cheater... cheater!" Rikki calls out and Chris laughs as he runs back up the lane.
"Now... we saw your wife... she's here too right? Oh wait... yea we see her up at the bar," Rikki says.
"Uh yea..."
"Is she much of a bowler...? Do you ever take her bowling with you or... is this a thing you guys do regularly...? You know... we all want to know," Rikki jokes.
"Well... she can pretty much kick my ass at a lot of things... bowling - "
"Is it because of the balls?" Rikki jokes and Chris chuckles and shakes his head at him.
"You know, you're going to get me in trouble..." Chris smirks and Rikki laughs.
"Well that's the whole point right?" Rikki jokes and Chris smirks.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Rikki laughs as he taps him on the shoulder and Chris laughs.
"Anyways...let's leave the subject of bowling for just a bit... and talk a little bit about... Soundgarden..."
"Why not...?" Chris smirks.
"Yes why not...? and interesting subject... now you guys are heading to Europe so you guys are probably not playing out here 'til when?" Rikki asks.
"Uh probably not 'til the summer actually..."
"And do you know what bands you'll be taking out with you?" Rikki asks.
"No,"
"No idea...? Anybody that you have been listening too? As far as ... well you like?" Rikki asks.
"Well, there's The Meat Puppets... we might bring them out... I mean and I don't wanna make them feel bad or anything but I've been listening to them since I was like..." Chris trails off
"No a lot of people I've been talking to... people that are into all different types of music or whatever and from what they've heard of the Soundgarden record and... I hate giving compliments in front of people... cause it sounds like I'm just like..." Rikki trails off and makes a weird gesture so Chris covers his eyes.
"...but uh... it's really good and a lot of people are really into it... does it seem like the expectations of this record are pretty good...?" Rikki looks at Chris but Chris still has his eyes covered, so Rikki pulls at his arm for Chris to look at him.
"...what?" Chris smiles and Rikki laughs.
"I said the expectations for this record are pretty high, do you feel good about it?"
"oh yea..."
"I mean does it feel any different for the release of this one, as opposed to Badmotorfinger?" Rikki asks.
"It's like a little bit better, I don't why I mean, maybe because the expectations were so high and everyone's saying... well.. you did it... kinda thing... I don't know"
"looking back on it now are there any changes that you wish you would've made... or?" Rikki asks.
" On this record..? No,"
"Did that happen with any of the other records?"
"Not really... I'm pretty good at taking the record an going ok... that was it, we did it, we made that... you know... that's the best you can do...I mean... I don't listen to the record and think back 'well god if we only turned up this instrument' or 'if only someone played that better'... the records I've always loved were just bands that just jammed and they wrote... and went in when they had time to record you know? I mean and that's what you get..."
" Yea... like the great punk records that I listened to were like... recorded in a day or something, like a 500 dollar budget and now people spend like thousands and thousands of dollars just to make a record sound really... crappy..." Rikki says.
"Well yea... there's no guarantee that if you spend a quarter of a million dollars on a record that it's gonna sound better than if you spent 500 bucks..."
"Now, who did the production on this record?" Rikki asks.
"Michael Beinhorn"
"Different from last...?"
"Very..." Chris emphasizes.
"What are some of the main differences...? I mean I can hear 'em - "
"Well we got along with the last producer...that's the main difference,"
"You didn't with this one?" Rikki chuckles.
"We didn't but in a good way... you know it was kinda like... he would push us as far as he could... and there would be fighting... and then we would kind like... meet half way and that was really good,"
"Did you ever get into the instance where the producer has a completely different vision for a song than you do...?" Rikki asks.
"Not really, not completely different, no..." Chris says.
"Did the songs ever completely change in the studio from when you originally wrote them?"Rikki asks.
"No... actually... in fact they changed less on this record than they did on previous records, we kinda shot for the original idea of the song and tried really hard to make that happen.. and it did"
"Well... the new Soundgarden is uh... I guess out in your stores now..? Go out and buy it... and look for them sometime... summer-ish?"
"Summer- ish... and remember that MTV wins money from you.." Chris smirks
"And he would take it if I lost ok...? ....In Seattle with Soundgarden -
"-by the way... this is mine now..." Chris takes the MTV cube logo off the microphone.
"I took your money so you can take the cube... a fair deal and yes ladies and gentleman, I did keep Chris Cornell's money... don't worry makes tons of it, it's ok" Rikki says.
"Hey I got the first strike... he was copying me," Chris smirks.
"Hustling! Hustling...."
•
"Hey sweetie," Kim says as he walks up to Selena while Rikki talks to Chris by the bowling lane.
"Hey," She smiles and he places a quick kiss on her lips. I grin feeling a little awkward but they are so freaking cute together.
"So Andi... Rikki was asking about you while Chris and him were doing their... whatever they were doing..."Kim says and orders another beer.
"What really?" I say a little nervously.
" Yea... it was funny though... Rikki basically hinting that you bust Chris's balls... or something..." Kim says and Selena looks at me wide eyed.
"What?" Now I'm feeling embarrassed.
"No not like that... like a joke... you don't really... Chris said something about you kicking his ass at things... and then Rikki said it had to do with balls... or something..." Kim tries to explain but he wasn't doing a very good job.
"Uh, huh," I say skeptically and take a sip of my drink.
•
"....ahhhh it's back...! "Rikki laughs as Chris jumps around behind him making silly, goofy faces.
"You know... obviously they're having a terrible time off the road while they wait to go and play some shows.... "
"He doesn't like to be touched..." Chris says still jumping around behind him.
"Hey hey! Wait... I gotta... wait let me ask you this one question...?"
"What?" Chris says.
"Do you get the most annoying question I've ever been asked, do you get the same question - "
"What are your influences?-"
"No, no, no what the worst question you've been asked in the last year that I've been getting for a year and a half?" Rikki asks.
"You know the one it's it like how... how come he looks so much like Eddie Munster?" Chris smirks the biggest smirk and Rikki just looks at the camera.
"No that wasn't it... well they ask that to me but no," Rikki looks at Chris and Chris looked a little confused that Rikki didn't catch the joke.
"Yea... it's wha-...why'd, why'd he cut his hair?" Chris looks at the camera and points to Rikki.
"I hate that! ... do you get asked that question?" Rikki cringes.
"Yea, you know I do,"
"It's the most annoying question in the world... listen... don't ask ok?"Rikki says to the camera and then gets distracted by Kim for a moment.
"Well that's about it hanging out on the Headbangers Ball with Soundgarden... and I was going to say nice stuff about the record but I can't say nice stuff when Chris is like... bouncing around... poking around behind m-" Rikki says but is cut off by Chris being weird.
"He doesn't like to be touched!" Chris pokes in front of the camera.
"Stop touching me! Stop touching me! What is he doing behind my back....?" Rikki asks as Chris still bounces and pokes about behind him.
"Well that it for the headbangers ball... we will be hanging out with a different kind of animal... not too different from Chris Cornell... we'll be hanging out at the San Diego Zoo... You ever been to the San Diego Zoo?" Rikki asks Chris as he still pokes about.
"I've only been there once and it was depressing," Chris says quickly when he stops bouncing.
"Well it's going to be happy next Saturday - "
"Why who's it with?" Chris asks.
"Just the animals-"
"That's it?" Chris asks.
"Yea..." Rikki smirks and Chris smirks back.
"When we tape shows at the zoo, the viewers don't know the difference between the band members and the animals," Rikki jokes.
"What you run out of bands or something?" Chris laughs.
" No, we just show the similarities between some band members and the animals cause you can't quite tell the difference..." Rikki smirks.
"Ow... that hurts..." Chris says as Rikki 'burns' him with his joke.
"Record's out... go buy it... see you next Saturday on the Headbanger's Ball," Rikki says and the camera man cuts the video.
Fenix Underground, March 11 1994
"Oh my fucking god I am so excited!" I say as Selena and I stand at the front of the stage.
"Fuck I know right...? You stay here... I'll go get us drinks..." She says. I nod and she heads off towards the bar. After a little bit she still hadn't come back yet. So I guess she is still waiting in line or something. Suddenly the lights go down a bit and Peter, Kenny, Josh and Johnny all walk out on stage.
"Holy shit... Selena where are you?" I say to myself and then Peter started talking.
"Hey uh all you people out there... we're Type O Negative... hope you're feeling a little less miserable now that we're here... " Peter says in his extremely deep Brooklyn accent and went right into Too Late : Frozen.
"So you've come to say you're very sorry
It won't happen again - forgive me ?
Time will not heal these wounds
And I'm bleeding because of you"
As I watched Peter then Kenny playing his amazing solo, all I felt I could do was stand there and miss my husband.
•••
".... So we're gonna play a couple of new ones for you, I hope that's alright," Peter says and the crowd cheers.
I scan the crowd to try and find Selena but she was nowhere to be found. Where the hell did she go? I ended up making my way to the bar earlier and grabbed a couple of drinks for myself cause she didn't come back.
"Be my druidess
Be my everything
Be my druidess
Be mine....
Around the pyre, A circle of thirteen
Throughout these woods, ecstatic screams
I look deeply into your eyes
I smell your hair, caress your thighs
Now we'll make love by fire light
A blaze so high it lights the night"
I suddenly start to hate the fact that I'm all by myself. I can't even fucking enjoy Type O cause I can't stop feeling bad that Chris isn't here with me. And it doesn't fucking help that this song is really making me think of him.
"Be my druidess
Be my everything
Be my druidess
Be mine....
Long fingernails dug in my skin
Yourself so wet invites me in
Our lust increased feeds desire
As we combust, yeah we on fire
I feel you shake so deep inside
Ooh scream my name and squeeze me tight
Selena still hadn't come back yet but all I wanted to do was go back home to Chris. I don't want it to be like this anymore.
I turn from the stage and make my way through the crowd and on my way out I see Selena still trying to get our drinks.
"I'm sorry... I got to go," I say when I walk up to her.
"Why? What happened?" Selena says with a concerned look on her face.
"Nothing... I uh... I just can't be here... I need to go home..." I say.
"Do you need me to go with you?" She asks.
"No, no... stay and have fun... I just... I can't..." I say.
"Are you sure? I can drive you back home if you need me to," She asks.
"No, no I'm ok walking, I'll be fine," I re-assure her.
"Ok..." She says and still looks at me concerned but I didn't want to explain why. I just needed to get out of here.
"I'll do anything... to make you cum" Peter sings as I turn and head out of the Fenix.
Seattle Washington, March 11 1994
I make my way out of the Fenix and head down the sidewalk. I have so many conflicting emotions happening inside me that I can't even let go and watch one of my favourite bands. I hate this. I hate the fact that Chris and I are going through this. I hate that we're loosing each other and I have no idea what to do to stop it. The immense pain I feel inside for having lost our baby... our Lily... is pulling me apart inside. I don't even feel like me anymore. Whatever 'me' felt like. I honestly don't even know if we can come back from this.
•••
A short while later I find myself on our street walking up to the front door of our beautiful home. I quickly find my keys and open the door quickly, step through and practically slam the door behind me.
Chris, who was on the couch flipping through some channels on the T.V, jumps at the sound of me slamming the door. He turns back to look at me as I stand there for a moment not knowing what to do.
"Hi... baby-"
"Why aren't we the same anymore?" I cut him off.
"What..?" Chris looks at me confused.
"Why are we like this...? Why won't you talk to me...? Why aren't we saying anything to each other...?" I say desperately.
"Andi... What's going on?" Chris asks confused and get up from the couch.
"Really...? That's what you ask me...? What's going on...? Where the hell have you been the last 6 months...?" I say almost shocked at the fact that he asked me that.
"Baby - "
"Don't call me baby," I say as he walks up to me.
"Love..." Chris says still confused.
"Don't call me that either," I say.
"Well what am I supposed to call you then?" Chris asks as he moves closer to me
"Nothing... don't call me anything... you've been ignoring me for this long so why start to pay attention to what I want now," I say.
"Andrea - "
" I couldn't even have fun tonight. The whole fucking time I was right in front of Type O, and all I could think of was how we were falling apart. One of my favorite bands was right in front of my face and all I could think of was all the hurt and pain and sadness that has happened between us, " I say shakily looking up at him. I can feel tears bubbling up behind my eyes but I don't want to let them flow.
"So, It's also my fault that you can't go out on your own? You're going to blame me for that too?" Chris says looking hurt and angered at the same time.
"Blame you...?" I ask confused.
"I left you remember...? I always put work before you and I'm the one that made you want... her..." Chris chokes with anger as he stands so close to me. His blue eyes filled with so much hurt and pain.
"Chri-"
"'Cause I could never feel the same pain and emptiness inside that you felt when you lost her, 'cause you were the only one who lost her... not me... right?" Chris says shakily. He pounds his chest emphasizing his feelings of hurt and pain, his eyes welling up with tears. I had forgotten that day for so long, but I remember the things I said to him when we came home and I went into her room.
"Chris... I didn't mean... " I trail off trying really hard not to cry.
"Yea you did... you meant it and you know you did... and I get it... I really do... I just didn't ever think that you hated me... after everything we've been through... to hear you say that to me... well... You wanted to hurt me, and you sure as hell did,"
We stand there looking at each other for what felt like forever. Us both trying to finally get our feelings out only it wasn't working the way I hoped. All I wanted to do was just scream at him.
"Ok yea... yea I did want to hurt you... I wanted you to feel that... but for all those months when I couldn't even get outta bed... I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep... you thought it would be better if you just... weren't here at all... Just ignore it and it will go away... Andrea's going to be fine... it wasn't like we tried to have a baby for half a year... just have another drink and bury it like we always do-"
"Stop!" Chris exclaims at me cutting me off and making me flinch a little, his eyes piercing me like shards of ice. I think I hit a nerve. He looks at me for a few moments, not saying anything.
"Yea... well I guess we've done our fair share of hurting each other right...?" I say sadly, my bottom lip quivering, trying really hard not to cry, and Chris looks away from me.
"I'm tired of being ignored and shoved down as if this void between us doesn't exist... I'm tired of being sad and I'm just... tired..." I say still looking at him but he won't look at me.
"So what do you think we should do...?"