Silence, I learned, was actually a comfortable thing. I used to hate it. I hated the way the silence came down on you and nearly crushed you under its weight and I just always felt so alone in silence even when I was surrounded by other people. Things were different now. I could sit with Harry in complete silence, him with one of his books that he never seemed to put down and me with a pen and my journal just writing. It reminded me of when I was younger and my mom and dad would just sit at the kitchen table together for hours and not say a single thing. The love was still there, as if just being near each other was enough for the both of them. It was comfortable and every so often we would look up at each other and just smile because we knew the other felt it too. The feeling that this was how things were supposed to be was evident in both of us.
I loved watching him read. The way his eyebrows would furrow and a look of bliss for a fictional place would take over his face, he sat back on the couch with one leg over the other and the book folded in his lap. He just looked so peaceful when he was reading, so content.
"What are you writing about today, baby?" He asked, not looking up from the page. This whole cancer thing scared the hell out of me and there were just so many emotions going on at once that all I could do to help myself was write. I just wrote whatever came into my head, whatever I was thinking about that day. Most days it was about Harry or my mom.
"You," I answered honestly. "Me. Us."
His head perked up, his eyebrows raised and a questioning look on his face. "Interesting."
"What are you reading today?"
He held the book up. "Rereading, actually. And it's The Outsiders."
"Your favorite."
"The one and only," he was giving me that stupid goofy smile that he flashed whenever he was happy. It was my favorite smile of his.
"You're so cute, you know that?" I gushed, placing the pen and paper on the coffee table and moving from the chair to the couch beside him. He closed his book and sat back on the couch, a smug smile on his lips.
"Cute?" he chuckled. "Sorry to break it to you, love, but I am not cute."
I giggled, poking his dimpled cheek with my index finger. His tongue darted out and swiftly swept across his lips. I payed close attention to how his lip ring twitched around. "Yes you are. You think you're such a badass, but you're just a big... cupcake. You're a cupcake."
"A cupcake, huh?" He raised an eyebrow and when he was looking at me with his eyes furrowed and his lip pulled between his teeth, it was so hard to remember what the hell I was even talking about.
"Yeah, a cupcake," I stammered out and he chuckled. God god he knew what he was doing to me and he was amused by it.
"Mmmm," he hummed, pushing my shoulders down until I was laying on my back and he was hovering over me. "Out of all the words you could have used, you fucking used cupcake." He dipped his head down to kiss my neck and I could feel his unkempt curls brush the side of my cheek whenever he moved.
"What-" I stammered and I could feel him smirk on my neck. He constanly made my head a clouded mess of jumbled up thoughts and incomplete ideas. "What other word should I have used?"
"I don't know-" he placed a kiss to my jawline and then one to my lips. "Masculine-" Kiss. "Hot-" kiss. "Rugged."
"Rugged?" I wondered with a raised eyebrow as his hands slipped under my loose sweater. The warmth felt amazing against the chill of my skin and i let out a slight whimper.
"What's wrong with rugged?" he wondered, pulling away from attacking my neck with his lips to look at my face. He was still smirking which ignited something inside of me that only he could simultaneously start and put out.
"Well for one-" i started, but was interrupted by the sound of a door slam.
No sooner than the door slammed, a bundled up Ashton was standing in our living room running his hands through his hair that was absolutely soaked with the whiteness of snow. His cheeks were a bright shade of pink and I could hear his teeth chatter from where he was standing.
"Harry- oh good god you two. On the couch? Really?" Ashton seemed appalled as he brushed the flakes of snow from his leather jacket and fell down into the chair beside us. My cheeks were a bright shade of pink as Harry slid off of me and I returned to my normal sitting position.
"You were the one that barged in. It's our flat, dude," Harry smiled, taunting Ashton which only made me blush more.
"Harry," I scolded, only earning a chuckle from him.
"Flat? You live in America now bro," Ashton playfully shoved Harry's shoulder and Harry only tensed up lightly before laughing alongside him.
"What are you even doing here?" Harry wondered, an amused smirk on his adonis-like face. He found this amusing, I could tell, but i couldn't understand how he could be so amused with Ashton walking in on us like this when I was absolutely mortified.
Ashton fumbled around with his jacket for a moment before taking out a large hardcover book. He held it up, a huge grin taking over his face as Harry frowned.
"I kind of stole this the last time I was here," he set it down on the coffee table with a smile. Ashton had a smile that was just about as beautiful as Harry's (almost) "I just finished it, like, an hour ago and here it is."
Harry propped his head onto his elbow, staring at Ashton with an unreadable expression on his face. I was waiting for him to get mad. Well, not mad exactly, but flip out the way he usually would have because Harry does not play around when it comes to his books. I waited for him to start yelling, to act ridiculous, to hit Ashton with the book he stole; however, he did none of those things.
Ashton had his eyebrow raised, waiting for Harry's reaction. He might have read the book, yes, but you were an idiot if you couldn't tell he only took it in the first place to get some sort of reaction from his best friend. Ashton was cocky and he knew exactly how to push Harry's buttons. I had a bad habit of underestimating Harry, though, and nearly fell off the couch when he smiled.
"Dude," he laughed, leaning over me to grab the book of the table. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before placing the book underneath the one he had been readiong prior to Ashton's little unanounced visit. "I think it's so fucked up that you take the one I've been looking for all week."
Ashton's eyes were wide and it took me kicking him in the leg to get him to say something. "That's it?"
"What?" Harry asked cluelessly as he lay his head down in my lap. I smiled, my hands tangling up in his curls.
"Babe,' I giggled. "He only took the book to piss you off."
A look of understanding washed over his features and I was in a fit of giggles. "You're such a dick." Except he was laughing too.
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Harry's POV-
I watched Lily as she walked out of the room, the phone pressed to her ear. It wasn't until she walked into the kitchen that I realized that Ashton was staring at me. He was smiling, a knowing smile that made me want to look away.
"What's your deal, man?" I asked, shoving his shoulder gently.
"You're so whipped, dude," A cocky smile was pressed to his lips as he slumped back into the chair.
"Whatever," was the best argument I could come up with. I wasn't whipped, I was just way too in love with her.
He shook his head, his curls flopping all over the place. "Do you remember that day in the truck? The day I found her lip gloss?"
I nodded slowly because I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at. "Yeah, it was a few days after I took her to Smith's the first time." I smiled at the memory. That was the day Lily and I became friends.
"Right, yeah," he laughed. "That day I told you that you liked her and you threatened to kick my ass-"
I cringed. Just thinking about the person I was before Lily sickened me. "I didn't like her-"
"My point is," he cut me off, "I was just fucking with you then but look at where you are now, dude. If someone would have told me then that Harry Styles would change for a girl, I would have laughed right in their face. I don't know how to tell you I'm proud of you, but you're a great person Harry. Don't let her go."
"Bad ass Ashton is starting to get mushy, huh?" I teased, hitting his shoulder again. He was laughing but I knew his words were sincere.
"Shut up you twat," he pushed me back a little rougher and then we were both laughing. "Although I do miss going to those kick ass parties with you, I'm glad you finally got yor shit together."
"Thanks man. That-" I started, but was interrupted when Lily came shuffling back into the room. She was staring at the floor and picking at her fingers. She plopped down beside me, not once looking up from the ground. I scooted towards her immediately and wrapped my arms around her waist. Ashton only looked at her, concererned becasue you didn;t need to be a genius to know that there was something wrong with Lily.
"Lily, baby," I cooed into her ear as I pressed soft kisses onto her neck. Her breathing was chopy and broken against my chest and I knew she was trying to hold back her tears because Ashton was here. Lily had too much dignity to ever let someone see her cry if she could help it. "What's the matter."
She sighed, a deep breath that made her back shake. "That was my doctor-"
"And? What'd they say?" I panicked. "What's wrong? Are you-"
"I'm fine," She sighed, and her grip on my hand tightened.
"Then what's wrong?" Because nothing was actually fine if she was on the edge of tears.
"I can't go with you," she was shaking now trying to hold back her tears. "They said I couldn't leave with you on Wednesday because I just started treatment and I can't just get up and go when I have chemo every single day. It's too risky."
All of the wind felt like it got knocked out of me. I had been looking forward to going home. I hadn't been this excited about anything in a very, very long time and suddenly it was all just gone. I was upset, but I wouldn't blame Lily for something that was out of her control. Her health was the only thing that mattered to me, I could alway go home some other time.
"That's okay," I murmered, although the words were a lie because it really wasn't okay. "I'll just call Gemma. We can go another-"
"No, Harry," She shook her head. "You're still going. You have to-"
"I'm so confused." Ashton spoke up. I snapped my head to where he was sitting, his voice scaring me because I had forgotten he was even here. "What are you guys talking about?"
"My dad, he uh, he wants us to come stay with him for a week or so," I sighed. "We were going to go but now-"
"You're still going, Harry," Lily said strictly, as if she was commanding a child to do something.
"Lily, I'm not going without you."
"Yes you are."
"I'd be too damn worried about you and it would just feel wrong without you beside me."
"Harry," She pulled away from me and stood up, a scowl embed into her perfect pink lips. "You're an idiot if you pass this up. Your dad misses you, and you can bullshit me all you want by saying that you don't want to go back home but I know you do. So go. I want you to go." She didn't let me argue back. She practically stomped all the way to our bedroom and slammed the door behind her.
Ashton and I just stared at the closed door, and then at each other for a few moments. I let out a frustrated grunt before running my hands in my hair.
"She wants you to go, Harry," Ashton sighed. "You want to go. She'll be fine."
I grasped my lip ring in my fingers and began twisting it around. The pain of tugging it a little too hard seemed to ease my frustration a bit and for that I was grateful. "I just worry about her, you know? I can protect her better here than I could from there."
Ashton rolled his eyes. "Dude, you're not protecting her from anything. She has cancer. Right now, what's protecting her is dialysis. Not you."
I exhaled the breath I didn't even realize I was holding and tugged even harder on my lip ring. He was right. I couldn't protect her from this. I couldn't save her from her own body. "I just want her to be okay."
Ashton moved from the chair to the spot on the couch beside me, slinging his arm over my shoulders. It was comforting in a way that surprised me. "I know," he was speaking softer now and it was soothing despite the fact that the urge to push him off of me was a strong one. "And she will be, but you can't just pause your whole life because you're afraid for her. She wants you to go, Harry. She's practically kicking you out. This will be good for you. And, hey, I'll be here. I love Lily to death, man, and I'm cool with coming over everyday to check on her if that's what you need me to do."
I finally looked up at him. He put up such a bad ass front with the cigarettes and the bandanas and the drum playing, but Ashton was such a good person underneath the facade that when he actually let it show through, it astounded me. I'd never had a best friend before, but I was glad I had made the choice in him being my first. "You'd do that?"
"Absolutely."
I was able to breathe again. "Dude, that would be great. Thank you."
He nodded, a smile on his face as he took his arm from around my shoulders. "Anything for you, man. Now go talk to her." He pointed to the bedroom door as he made his way out of the front door.
I took in a deep breath before knocking on the door. Knocking on the door was stupid, this was my room too, but I waited until she opened up the door to go in. The lights were off, but I could see the tissues scattered all over floor and hear her sniffles. I sat beside her and attempted to pull her into my arms, but she pushed me away.
"Get off of me," she snapped weakly between choked sobs.
"Lily, I-"
"No," she sniffled. "I don't want to hear it."
"Look-"
"I said stop," she growled, and I cringed at the harshness in her voice. "I'm tired of you treating me like this just because I'm sick, Harry. I can do things on my own. I can handle being alone for a week, or two, or even five if you decide that's how long you want to stay. You're constantly hovering and I love you for that, but you're suffocating me."
"Don't think for a second that I would rather have you there than here, because that isn't it at all. You want this more than anything. I saw the way you looked when she brought it up and I hear the hope in your voice every time you talk about it."
I hunched over a bit and placed an innocent kiss to her exposed shoulder. I know I should have been hurt by her words, but I wasn't because she was right. "Lillian, I'm going home."
She stared at me, her blue eyes bright even in the dark like this. "What?"
"I'm going to see my dad. It puts me at ease knowing you're okay, but I'm not going to put my life on hold anymore." I swallowed hard and she nodded. "I want this so bad, Lillian, and I'll miss you like hell but I'm going."
She threw her arms around my shoulders and I was so caught off guard that I fell backwards onto the bed. She ended up on top of me, her legs inbetween mine as she was perched on my chest. "Why couldn't you have been this easy, like, twenty minutes ago?"
I kissed her nose, and she scrunched it in mock disgust. "Because twenty minutes ago I was scared as hell."
She sighed before lying her head flat on my stomach. "And you're not scared anymore?"
"I'm still freaking out, Lillian, but I know you'll be okay. My baby can handle herself."
"Damn right she can," and I could hear her smile. That's how close we were. I could hear her smile.
"But don't be too mad at me if I send Ashton over here at least once." Or every single day I was away, but there was no point in worrying about deatils.
"I guess that's fair," she hummed, and I knew just by the sound of her voice that she was going to fall asleep soon.
"I love you," I muttered to the ceiling. Her response was a few light snores. I smiled because how can someone be so sexy, yet simultaneousy so adorable? Ashton was right. Maybe I was whipped, but I guess I was okay with that.