Seattle Washington, August 26 1993
"Oh my god... what the fuck?" I laugh as I sit on the floor of the living room while Selena sits on the couch as she drinks her Jack and Coke all the while we listen to Type O Negative blasting through the stereo.
"Yea... but I have to admit... he was so cute on the phone... I can't believe that he asked you for my number though," Selena giggles as she takes a sip.
"Yea... Kim is actually really sweet... he just has this tough sarcastic exterior but he is really such a teddy bear... did he ask you out though?" I say and take a sip of my orange juice and tonic water. Oh god how I wish it was a real mimosa.
"Yea... he did..." She says and takes a sip.
"Well... what did you say?" I ask.
"I may have said yes," Selena smirks and takes a sip.
"Awe... so cool... when?" I ask.
"He said he'd call me sometime next week when they get back," Selena smiles.
"Awe... that's fucking awesome," I smile. We sit and hang out for a while longer and before I realize it, it's already after midnight. No wonder I started feeling sleepy.
"Ok well... I think I should probably get some sleep... Chris was supposed to call me but I don't think I can stay awake..." I yawn as I stretch my arms over my head.
"Awe... ok well... if he calls I can just tell him you went to bed... that's ok," Selena says.
"Ok cool..." I yawn and then try to get myself up off the floor. I keep forgetting how it's difficult sometimes since she's taking up space in my belly but hey... It's not going to stop me from floor sitting. That's just who I am. Selena ends up laughing with me as she helps me up and though I feel a little embarrassed, at least she eases the embarrassment for me though.
"Is it alright if I stay up and watch a movie or something...?" She asks.
"No... not at all... go right ahead...If you uh... need anything else, just let me know... but um... thank you for staying here tonight... I really do appreciate it..." I say as I adjust my Sepultura band shirt.
"Oh lovie... you're welcome," Selena says and I give her the biggest hug and head upstairs for some sleep.
•••
Later on in the night, I was having difficulty sleeping, which I am used to since I've been pregnant but this time was different. I was half asleep and started to feel that weird twinge I had when I went to the hospital and they told me about Braxton Hicks. At first I didn't think anything of it. I rolled over in the bed onto my side, my backside up against the pillows that I had stacked on Chris's side to help me sleep better, and tried to just relax. After a few moments, something seriously felt really wrong at this point. The pain was more intense than I had ever felt in my life and suddenly the bed felt wet. Did I just pee myself? Was the pain so intense that I couldn't even control my bladder? I whimper trying to maintain my breathing as I shift myself in the bed and reach for the lamp on the beside table. I turn the lamp on and feel the pain come back with more force than before.
"Fuck... what... the... fuck...!" I exclaim. I flip the covers off of me and the image of what took place next was enough to make me want to wish that this whole thing never happened. That I could go back to the beginning and change everything.
"Selena...! Oh my god Selena...! Help me Please!" I start to cry.
"What lovie?! what?!" Selena bounds up the stairs and rushes into the bedroom to see me laying in bed, in Chris's blue plaid shirt, blood everywhere around me. I had never seen so much blood in my life. I had no idea I was even capable of housing so much blood in my body,
"Jeezus... ok... ok... I'm here lovie," Selena says as she rushes over to me.
"Where's Chris's number...?" She says looking in my bedside table.
"Uh... it's uh... in the little... on the.... table..." I sob as she fumbles through the papers and finally finds it.
"Are you ok to walk? Can you make it to the car? " She asks.
"I think so... but... I don't know...I mean... I can't... Oh my god Selena, I'm loosing her..." I cry
"No, no you're not... Lily is going to be fine... I'm going to call Chris, ok?" She says and at that point everything seemed like a blur, like a really bad nightmare only this one I can't wake up from.
Seattle Washington, Harborview Medical Center August 27 1993
".... you can see her now..."
I hear the nurse say from outside the room and I open my eyes to see myself in the whitest room I had ever been in, in my life. Am I dreaming? Where Am I? Then everything comes rushing back.
I lost her.
I lost my Lily.
"Baby...?" I hear Chris's voice slightly groggy as he walks into my room. I rub my eyes to rid some of the sleep, since the doctor gave me a sedative to help, and try to sit up a little. As I open my eyes to focus, I look down at myself and feel empty, like there was nothing. As if the little person that was inside me kicking, giving me that fluttery bubbly feeling, had never existed.
Chris sits down beside me in a chair and moves as close as he could get to me, reaching for my hand, lacing his fingers through mine and pressing his lips to the back of my hand. I sat there quietly not knowing what to even say to him. How the hell do I look at him, knowing that I lost our little girl.
Chris reaches up and brushes away a curl that had fallen from my ponytail as I still just sit there avoiding his eyes, looking down at myself, wishing this was all a dream. Chris continues to look at me with those blue eyes that I can't bring myself to look at.
"Andrea..." Chris says softly. I finally bring myself to look at him as the sound of his voice breaks me out of my horrible zombie like daze for just a few moments. I couldn't even say anything. What do you say when you lost the only thing in the world that makes any sense. Chris touches his forehead to mine as I close my eyes and the tears start to fall, streaming down my cheeks like a tap that couldn't be turned off.
Seattle Washington, August 31 1993
They always say that first ride home is the warmest, happiest and so full of love that you don't even know what to do with yourself. The ride that should be full of new little noises from the little bundle of joy that you were waiting for your whole life. The ride that you will remember forever.
No one ever says that there are times where that doesn't happen. No one ever talks about the emptiness, the numbness and the sadness you feel, if you happen to be one of the ones that never gets to hear their first cry, their first laugh, their first little giggle.
Lily had somehow become detached from my uterine wall which caused massive hemorrhaging. They told me it was rare, but not something they haven't seen before. They figure that because it was difficult for me to get pregnant in the first place, the doctors discovered I have endometriosis, which somehow in turn caused my miscarriage. It didn't really make a lot of sense to me since every check up I had showed everything was fine and on schedule. Since I was at the end of my 7th month, I delivered her naturally but she wasn't crying when I did. They tried to get her to breathe but nothing was working. Her lungs weren't developed enough for her to breathe on their own, and because I was a little underweight she was also tiny for a baby as well. They did everything they could to save her but it just wasn't enough.
So here I am, sitting in the passenger seat of the car, as Chris drives us home, staring blankly out the passenger window, barely noticing anyone or anything that we pass by. It's been so long since we've said anything to each other, I don't even remember the last word I even said. What do you say? What do you say when you've lost the only thing that ever mattered?
"Babe...? We're home," Chris says breaking me out of my thoughts for a moment but I still can't bring myself to say anything to him. He gets out of the car and walks around to open the door for me as I slowly take off my seat belt. He helps me out of the car and closes the door but I just head straight up to the front door, leaving him walking behind me. I realize I didn't have my key ready so as I dig in the pocket of my Pantera Hoodie, Chris appears beside me with his keys in hand.
"Here... I got it," He says softly and unlocks the door, letting me go inside first. He closes the door behind me as I make my way over to the couch in our living room and sit down, then slowly lay myself down on my side, grabbing one of the couch pillows, staring at a blank TV screen. I think Chris said something about making something to eat, but I wasn't sure, and I sure as hell didn't feel like eating. After a few moments I hear him in the kitchen and I just needed the noise to stop. I slowly get up off the couch and make my way over to the stairs. I felt so cold and numb and I just didn't know how to comprehend the fact that she wasn't here with me. I reach the top of the stairs and I have no idea what possessed me to walk into the nursery, but it was as almost as if she should be sleeping in her little crib. I walk over to her little changing table where a new pile of onesies sat from when I had just went shopping just last week. It was the cute little yellow onesie that had the cutest little white baby bunny patch on the front. I picked it up from the pile and felt the softness between my hands. As I looked at the little onesie, tracing my fingers over the little bunny patch I find myself standing in the middle of the room, her room. The room that she was supposed to be a little girl in, looking at all the baby things and cute little stuffies and I suddenly wanted to trash it, to burn it, burn everything in my sight. I slide my hand over my stomach, feeling the emptiness of where she once was and I collapse on to the floor, drawing my legs in to sit crosslegged, sobbing uncontrollably as I held her little onesie in my hands.
Chris suddenly appeared at the doorway seeing me sit in the middle of her room sobbing uncontrollably to the point where I couldn't even breathe. He rushes over to me, holds me as we sit on the floor of her room. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I never thought I would ever go through this again in my life. Then without warning, that resentful angry feeling came flooding back and all I wanted to do was hurt something, someone, anyone and I didn't care.
"You! why weren't you there!? why did you have to go!?" I yell at Chris.
"What?!" He exclaims caught off guard by my reaction.
"Why do you always have to put work ahead of me?! why do you always have to leave me when I need you!?" I start to push him as he still tries to hold me.
"Andrea...!? I...!?" He says over me as I still try to push him away.
"Why did you have to make me want her?!" I say as I now start to hit him in his chest cause he would not let me go.
"Andrea stop!"
"No! No I'm not going to stop until you feel the emptiness and pain that I feel inside!" I scream, my voice breaking as I still try to hit him in the chest. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to hurt really bad and though I knew how bad it hurt him too, I didn't care.
"Andrea...!"
"I hate you!" I scream.
"Stop!"
"Get away from me!" I scream.
As I continue to sob uncontrollably, I finally stop hitting him in the chest and just let him hold me. The pain I let spill out all over him didn't help much. I wanted her back. I wanted my little Lily back.