"Baby, you are the strongest flower that ever grew, remember that when the weather changes." - Unknown
"We gotta go up there..." I trailed off, pointing out the obvious this time. Mason had gotten his much needed cry out of his system and recomposed himself. We were just watching Ian's family say goodbye from the back of the room. I looked up at Mason pleadingly as the room grew emptier and emptier. "Can you go first?"
Ian's mom was the only person left in here with us, then one of us would have to go.
Mason exhaled and nodded. I gave his hand one last reassuring squeeze and watched from the back as Mason approached Ian's casket for the first time today. My heart already began to hurt, just at the thought of having to look at Ian's lifeless face.
Mason spent several minutes saying his last words to Ian before he turned to look at me, revealing his bloodshot eyes and red and blotchy face. He'd lost it all over again looking at Ian for one last time.
I slowly got up and made my way to the front, pacing myself as if I were a snail. In just a few steps, I'd be looking down at Ian, but he would not be looking up at me. All I can hope is he is somewhere better, watching over me.
"You can do this, Papps," Mason assured me. He moved past me and went a couple rows back to give me some space. He somehow knew that I wanted him close, just in case.
I can do this. For Ian.
I approached Ian's casket with closed eyes, the fear settled in. Knowing I'd never actually be ready for this encounter, I forced my eyes open and looked down at Ian's lifeless face.
I couldn't see his beautiful blue eyes, and I never will again. That thought alone was enough to bring tears to my eyes.
"Ian...wow..." I sighed. I told myself before that I probably wouldn't be able to touch Ian when I saw him, but I was wrong. I instantly put my hand on top of his, which was on top of his chest.
He was being buried in his army uniform, per his own request. He'd written in his will that he had written when he initially enlisted that, if he died at battle, he wanted to be buried in his uniform.
"Hey, E," my voice cracked when I spoke. "I played Chicken Fried, just like I knew you'd want me to." I can just picture him, gazing down at me and laughing. "Ian, I just really don't know what I'm going to do without you. You're my best friend and the love of my life... it's not fair that you were taken away from me and everyone else like this. It doesn't even make sense. Like, Chicken Fried says, you give your life so we don't have to sacrifice the things we love, but we love you, Ian. We want you back." The anger within me was beginning to boil, but the soft touch on my shoulder forced me to look away from Ian.
"Find closure, Josie. There's nothing any of us can do to bring him back, so just find closure," Mason said. I wish he wasn't right because I wanted to keep ranting about how unfair this is and that it can't be real, but I couldn't. Ian Miller is gone and I should be thanking him for the time I was lucky enough to have spent with him.
"Ian Miller..." I started again, taking in and releasing a deep breath. "Thank you for all of the happiness you have brought into my life. I don't know where I'd be or who I'd be without you. These past few days have been so hard on me, knowing I'll never see you again. I keep wondering how I'll ever be happy again, and I still am, but I hope that I am."
If I had another few minutes to physically talk to Ian in person again, I would take them in a heartbeat and be able to talk and talk, but standing here now, knowing I can't get a reply, I'm at loss for words.
There's so much I want to say, yet I can't seem to get the right words out.
"I promise you that there will never be a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I love you endlessly, Ian Miller." Although he is no longer physically a part of the world, he still is my whole world.
My eyes watered as it dawned on me I can't stay here forever. I had to leave Ian here and go to the luncheon at Westchester.
Before I knew it, my whole body was shaking as I sobbed. How am I ever going to get through this?
"Goodbye, Ian Miller."
"Hey now," Mason said from directly behind me. I'm not sure when he got there, but it couldn't have been long. "It's just see you later, Jos. It's never goodbye."
"Until we meet again, Ian Miller. I love you endlessly."
Mason hugged me and led me out of the funeral home to my brother's car, who was patiently waiting for us to finish up. I had told Kaila right after the service that I'd be driving with Mason and Anthony to the luncheon, and she didn't need to wait up.
I got in the passenger seat and Mason sat behind me. Anthony set down his phone and looked between the both of us, examining us physically and mentally.
"Ready?"
Am I ready to leave Ian here to be buried in a cemetery while I go to a luncheon dedicated to him to talk about him in the past tense? Not in the slightest, but I don't have much of an option.
He received no reply from Mason or I, but drove away anyway. He must've realized how his question was just one that couldn't be answered.
None of us is ready to leave, but we need to.
Westchester was roughly a 20 minute commute from the funeral home, which we spent sitting in complete silence. We all had too much on our minds to talk or even listen to the soft hum of music.
Mr. Westchester closed the park today for Ian's luncheon, so the only cars in the lot belonged to Ian's loved ones. And there is so many.
"I'll meet you inside, okay?" I turned to Mason and said. He nodded and got out of the car, slowly making his way to the Westchester gate. I stayed in the car with Anthony, remaining in silence for a few minutes longer.
"How are you?" Anthony asked me.
I chuckled as my eyes began to tear up yet again. "I've had better days."
These past few days have been the worst days of my life, honestly. This is the worst it can get, I'm pretty much convinced I've hit rock bottom. I just hope that means there is no where else to go besides up.
"Ian will always be with us. No matter what. I hope you never forget that."
"I don't think I ever could." I think it's impossible to forget the man I was desperately, head-over-heels in love with, the man I was supposed to marry and live the rest of my life with. Ian was supposed to be my endgame.
"Remember when you came barging in my room to tell me you and Ian kissed for the first time?"
Through my tears, I actually laughed this time, not just a half-hearted chuckle. "Shut up! You were stalking me and interrogated me about how it went!"
"Not how I remember it," Anthony shrugged.
"You're so full of it." But of course I remember. Anth compelled me to go tell Ian how I feel, so I just went for it. I ran to his house and tried to tell him how I felt, but I was cut off by his kiss. I fell in love with him that day. He's everything I could ever ask for.
Well, he was.
"You got to spend some of the best years of your life with Ian, and I think that's what you should keep running through your mind, okay?"
"I love you, Anth." I reached over the center console to give my big brother a hug, then we finally started toward the lounge inside of Westchester where everyone would be.
Shockingly, my mom and dad were the first to join mine and Anthony's sides.
They were at the entire viewing and service, but I haven't spoken to them much. I've either been conversing or mourning on my lonesome. These past few days that they have been staying in a nearby hotel for the sake of being around for me and the rest of Ian's loved ones, they have been able to put their differences aside and not argue over every minor disagreement they might have. I appreciate it immensely because it is so hard to be around them when they do nothing but argue.
My mom wiped the stray tears off of my cheek and forced a grin. "You're so strong, my pretty girl."
Like the rest of the world, my parents adored Ian. Most of the time, they treated him like he was their own son. Although they loved Joel, too, they considered Ian family. I mean, he was though. We spent the most family-dependent years of our lives together.
My mom ran her hand over my hair and straightened it out, clearly her attempt to try and keep it together. I definitely get my emotions from my mom.
"I love you, honey." She pulled me into her arms and mumbled softly.
"I love you, too, Mom."
I briefly stepped away from them to recompose myself while Anthony talked to them for a few minutes. Just as we were about to walk away at the end of their conversation, I heard my mom say to my dad, "I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you."
I know my mom well enough to know she meant that genuinely. They do love each other, there's no question about it, but just not in the way a husband and wife should. That's why I have never had the best relationship with my parents, because they refuse to admit their mistakes, and it's created a hole in our family.
I never even considered the possibility of that happening to me, marrying someone and having a family with someone I wasn't in love with, because I have always planned on marrying Ian, who I have been in love with for so long. Now it is my worst fear that I will unintentionally follow in the steps of my parents.
I saw my whole future with Ian, but now that he's gone, all I see ahead of me is the dark abyss.
In the blink of an eye, a pair of arms were wrapped around my body and a mop of black hair on a head was resting on my shoulder. Obviously it is Kaila.
"Hey," I said softly, returning the hug.
"I-I have to tell you something. I have to tell everyone something." She refused to pull away from the hug so I could see her expression.
"What is it?" Slowly, Kaila let go and allowed me to see the fear in her eyes.
"I—" she looked around, fearfully. "I have to tell everyone." She walked away from me, leaving me incredibly confused, and went to the stage. The stage had a picture of Ian in his army uniform propped up on a table with several flowers surrounding it. Kaila stood next to the table and took the microphone off the stand to speak.
Before she started speaking, I managed to find Mason so I could share my confusion with him.
"What's she doing?" Mason spoke my thoughts.
"I have no idea," I mumbled.
"Hi," Kaila spoke into the mic, creating an abrupt noise throughout the room. "I'm Kaila Fletcher for those of you who don't know me, I was a close friend of Ian's. Ian Miller was a very unique character, which I'm sure you all know. He was genuine and honest and trustworthy. He was selfless. He knew something about me that no one else does and kept my secret for me."
Her secret... the one only Ian knows.
"Ian inspired me, and so many others, to be myself. He showed me that I am who I am and I should be proud of that. It's taken me so many years to come to acceptance of it, but I definitely would've never gotten to if it weren't for Ian. He told me before he left a couple months ago, he said, Life is short and you never know the last day you'll live. So tell your secrets. Be yourself. And he is so right. Life is so short, and I can't risk no one ever knowing the real me."
Despite the fact that this secret has driven a wedge in mine and Kaila's friendship for years, I'm glad she shared it with Ian over anyone else. Ian always knows what to do, no matter the situation. He was so smart.
"I would like Edie Sellers to come up." From the crowd, I watched a girl with long, dark brown hair make her way to the stage and join Kaila. "This is my girlfriend."
And suddenly it all made sense. Her commitment issues were not just aftermath of her parents doomed relationship. Her laidback attitude with guys was not just because she knew how to keep her cool. Her secret relationship she's had for months was not just because she wanted to make sure she liked the person before introducing us.
It was all a part of her secret.
I just wonder how I never realized after 18 years. Am I really so invested in myself that I could never catch a single hint? I should've noticed.
I stood there in complete shock as Kaila introduced her girlfriend of several months to the room full of people.
We locked eyes, so I forced a smile on my face. Regardless of how shitty of a friend I feel like, I am proud of her for owning up to who she is. Ian would be so incredibly proud that she did this.
On her way down from the stage, many people approached her to meet Edie and just proclaim their support for her. I stayed rooted in my spot next to Mason, waiting for her to get here.
"Hey, Jos," Kaila said softly with Edie standing closely behind her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner and to spring it on you when you've been through so much these past couple of days..."
I interrupted her by hugging her. "I'm sorry for never even realizing. I can't believe we've been friends for 18 years and I didn't even realize."
"Hey," she nudged me. "I think I've done a pretty good job at hiding it, I don't resent you for not figuring it out. I'm glad you didn't, really. I didn't want anyone to know."
"I'm happy for you, Kai," I assured her. "You deserve to be happy."
"You do, too, Jos, and you will be again some day."
Before I started to cry again, I cleared my throat and stepped around Kaila and stuck my hand out to Edie.
"I'm Josie," I introduced myself.
"I have heard a lot about you," Edie chuckling, looking at Kaila. "And you must be Mason."
"I am," he confirmed, shaking her hand as well. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Edie."
"Both of you, too. I'm really sorry about Ian. I only met him once, but Kaila talked about him a lot. He seemed really wonderful."
The best.
Mason and I only nodded, exchanging sad smiles with each other.
•••
I decided to update a day early just in case I don't find the time tomorrow, with prom and everything.
Are any of you shocked by Kaila's news?
Was this chapter emotional for you? Of course I cried!
Have a swell weekend, see you all Monday :)
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- Emily
B.E. Better Everyday