Seattle Washington, July 10 1993
"Is there anything I can help you find?"
I look up from the rack of band T-shirts that I was flipping though at one of the local record shops, Easy Street Records, here in Seattle.
"Oh... no, thank you... I'm ok," I smile shyly at the girl and she nods and heads back to the register up at the front of the store. I was trying to some more shirts that I could style as all of my shirts at home don't fit me at all. I'm even on the hunt for some more distressed ripped black leggings too as I do not feel comfortable trying to wear any of my jean cutoff shorts and I still refuse to wear any maternity clothes. I'll be dead before you catch me in anything like that. Just because I'm pregnant, does not mean that I have to dress like it.
I bite my bottom lip and continue to flip through the rack of shirts. I haven't found anything in here that I would wear. I don't even see a Black Sabbath T-Shirt.
"Damn..." I say disappointedly and decide to make my way out of the store. I still had a few more things to shop for today, a few more baby clothes, some baby blankets and such. I still hadn't even stepped into one of those baby shops yet so that is something I really need to do.
When I had my appointment last month for a checkup, I wanted to know if we were having a boy or a girl, but sadly, the little one wasn't facing the right way to get a clear picture and so we weren't able to find out. I honestly think we're having a girl. I just have this feeling for some reason and I can't explain it. Hearing that heartbeat for the first time though... that made me cry. Chris was in the room with me and I swear I could see him tear up as well. I couldn't freaking believe it. That was when everything seemed really real. Like it wasn't just this thing growing inside me anymore. There's a little person in there.
The doctor says I'm progressing along fine and on schedule which is really good since it was so difficult for me to get pregnant in the first place. The weird thing is though, I haven't felt the baby moving at all. The doctor told me that it's completely normal for first time mothers to not even feel the baby until their 7th month so at least I know that it's not a cause for concern. I still don't really look pregnant but man, my shirts tell the tale that I am. My baby bump is a little bigger than before, though not by much but I didn't think I wore my shirts that tight
It's so crazy... I never even once thought about having a baby at all. Even as a little girl, I never really pretended to be a mom with little dolls or anything like that. I played with Barbie dolls of course but I never had that instinct to play a mom when I was really little. I never even thought about it after Chris and I got married. It's just one of those things that I just never saw happening to me, until that day when Chris asked me to have his baby. I've never met any one who has ever made me feel the way he does and this little person growing inside me that we made together, is proof at how much Chris has changed my life.
As I step out onto the sidewalk, my handbag over my shoulder, I slide my sunglasses down over my eyes and make my way up the sidewalk. It was a warm clear summer day, just absolutely beautiful with no humidity and a cool breeze as I head towards another store. One I hadn't stepped into in a very long time.
Walking through the doors of Lost Loves Clothing and Thrift Store was like walking into a time machine. I hadn't stepped through these doors in just over 2 years. Everything was still the same. The band shirts all still in the same location towards the middle, the button up shirts towards the front, and it still looked like there wasn't a specific men's or women's section either. Nancy never liked having the sexes separated. She always said 'it's one love for everyone... why should we be defined by our sections, let people choose what they like, why does it have to be separated?' I just thought it made it harder for people to find what they were looking for, but whatever.
I walk over to the section where all the vintage and new band shirts were hung up and start to flip through them. Yes! there are tons of shirts I would wear in here. Pantera, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith, even a new Sepultura shirt. I loved how Nancy was always able to find a distributor for the newer band shirts. It amazes me how a record store like Easy Street Records had nothing, but I come in here and find everything I love.
"Andi... Oh my god Andi... is that you?"
I hear a familiar voice and look up from the shirt rack that I was flipping through. It was Selena.
"Holy shit... Hi..." I smile in surprise as she walks up to me. She almost looked exactly the same, obviously a little older, just like me, but still the same. She embraces me in a hug and I suddenly get emotional. I never realized how much I've missed her until now. Damn these hormones.
"Shit... it's been so long eh?" She giggles as she pulls away from me.
"Yea... fuck, has it ever..." I giggle back and wipe my eyes as I set my sunglasses up on my head.
"Shit... how are you? How've you been?' She smiles at me. Fuck, where do I even start?
"I'm good... I'm really good actually," I giggle as I try to wipe another tear from my eye.
"Um... are you busy right now? or... I mean do you want to go grab a drink and catch up?" She smiles at me.
"No I'm not busy at all really, just looking for some new shirts..." I say.
"Cool... well I'm pretty much done my shift here so I can just ring you up then," She says.
"Wait... you work here now?" I ask as I grab the shirts I picked out off the rack.
"Yea... It's been like a year now," She says as I follow her up to the register.
"Is Nancy still here...?" I ask as she walks around the counter and I hand her my shirts.
"Uh... no, she sold the business just after she hired me... She almost had to close the place down so she sold it to and investor or something... so I technically run it as a GM..." She says as she rings up my shirts.
"Really... well I'm glad the store was able to be saved..." I say as I hand her some cash.
"Yea... it's still a work in progress, I wanted to make sure that it mostly stayed the same," She says as she bags up my shirts. I take the bag from her and she quickly heads to the stairs where the basement was and yells down to someone to let them know she's leaving and then heads back over to me.
"Alright... let's head outta here," She smiles at me as she grabs her bag from behind the counter.
"Cool," I smile and we head out of the store.
Bad Animal Studios, Seattle Washington
"Chris... I need more from you... I know you can give me more..." Michael Beinhorn presses the mic button so Chris could hear him from the control room.
"What the fuck do you mean? I've been singing the same god damn part, 20 thousand times now," Chris says frustrated, removing his head phones.
"Chris... did you listen to the CD's I gave you?" Michael says through the mic.
"Ok as much as I respect Frank Sinatra, I can't sing like him so... and I don't even think it goes with the song," Chris says looking at Michael intensely.
"Chris... trust me..." Michael says.
"For fuck sakes... Fine! Fine..." Chris says and sets the headphones back on his head.
"Ok... roll tape.... take 137," Michael says as Adam Kasper starts the tape back up.
•••
Chris walks out of the studio, out the main doors, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up as he leans against the brick siding of the studio. He runs his fingers over his shaved head, feeling the fuzziness of his hair or lack thereof. He still remembers the look on Andi's face when she walked into the bathroom and found him right in the middle, his dark curls no longer around his shoulders but splayed out on the bathroom floor, shedding from the buzz clippers he held in his hand.
"Chris, have you seen my - Holy Shit!" She exclaims and covers her lips with her hand, her big brown eyes wide with worry.
"What?" Chris asks still looking in the mirror, buzzing his hair away.
"Uh... Nothing... nothing... I just... I mean... Uh... " She fumbles hoping that he's ok and not exactly sure how to even ask why he's shaving his head. Chris stops the buzzer after the last strand of beautiful dark curls falls to the floor, cleans some of the hair out, then turns to look at her as he stands only in his black boxers.
"Can you do me a favor babe?" he asks, his blue eyes gleaming.
"Uh... huh? " Andi trails off, still shocked by how incredibly different he looks.
"Can you check the back here and just make sure I didn't miss any spots" He says looking back in the mirror and running his fingers up the back of his head.
"Um... sure," She says quietly and walk over to him. He hands her the buzzer as he still looks in the mirror then she looks up at him through the reflection of the mirror.
"There's a few un even spots at the back here... can you... just run the buzzer over real quick?" he says looking down at her.
"Sure," Andi says quietly. He bends down so that she could reach behind his head and she starts the buzzer back up again. She gently runs the buzzer over the back of his head making sure everything was even. After a few moments she stops, he stands back up and looks in the mirror. She continues to look at him through the reflection as she sets the buzzer down on the sink.
"How do I look?" He asks and looks down at her.
"Um... good... you look really good baby," She says as she looks back up at him and gives him a half smile.
"Good," he says looking at himself in the mirror.
"Hey man... what the hell?" Kim says breaking Chris out of his thoughts.
"What?" Chris says flatly exhaling a puff of smoke.
"What's with the attitude man?" Kim says annoyed.
"I just need to get outta there... like... fuck..." Chris says and takes a drag of his cigarette.
"Ok... you're not mad at me are ya?" Kim asks lighting up a cigarette.
"No... no I'm just... fuck, he's pissing me off," Chris says and exhales his smoke.
"Yea... I know but... hey, he seems to know what he's doing," Kim says.
"We shoulda just went with Terry," Chris says in a regretful tone.
"Yea... but hey, change is good you know... I mean... " Kim trails off and gestures to Chris's buzz cut. Chris just shakes his head at him and takes another drag of his cigarette.
"It's gonna be good... amazing even..." Kim says and Chris looks at him and smiles.
"It fucking better be," Chris chuckles.
Off Ramp Café, Seattle Washington
"Vodka Cranberry, please," Selena smiles at the waitress as she hands her the menu.
"Uh... just an orange juice for me..." I say as I hand the menu back to her as well.
"Orange juice? You stop drinking or something?" Selena says when the waitress walks away.
"Um... yea... well just for now anyways," I say and take a sip of the glass of water that sat in front of me.
"Oh... just taking a break from it?" Selena asks as she sips her water in the meantime.
"No... well yea, in a way," I say and she raises her eyebrow at me. I take another sip of my water and she glances at the ring on my finger.
"Holy shit, you're married?" She asks wide eyed.
"Um... yea," I say shyly as I set my glass down.
"Oh my god let me see...?" She smiles and takes my hand to better examine the diamond engagement ring along with the white gold wedding band.
"How long...? Who is he...?" She asks excitedly.
"Remember that concert we went to like, 5 years ago, to see that band that you told me about... at The Gorilla Room?"
"Oh yea... Soundgarden, and that guy... the lead singer was like... so amazing, Chris Cornell... he was like hitting on you big time..." Selena smiles and takes a sip.
"Yea... well, it's him," I say quickly and take a sip of my water.
"What? You're married to Chris Cornell?" She says nearly spitting out her water.
"Almost 2 years now," I say as the waitress comes back with our drinks.
"Holy shit..." She says wide eyed and takes a sip of her Vodka Cranberry.
"Yea... and uh... I stopped drinking because... well, I'm pregnant," I say and she starts coughing. I look at her worriedly and hand her a napkin but she stops as she takes the napkin from me.
"Sorry... I uh... just wasn't expecting you to say that," She says as she dabs her lips and I give her a sheepish look. We then start to giggle as I do realize that may sound overwhelming but... she asked.
"It's ok," I giggle.
"Shit... I heard that he got married... like a while ago now, but... I didn't know it was to you," She says taking another sip.
"Yea... it's me," I giggle.
"How'd you get married? Was it... um... a big wedding?" She asks.
"No... we got married in Vegas... it was kinda like a spur of the moment thing. We were engaged for a few months at that point but... it was during the video shoot for Jesus Christ Pose. We just went out for dinner, then took a walk down the Vegas Strip, somehow came across a little wedding chapel and then just... did it..."I say as I take a sip of my juice.
"Really...? Awe..." Selena says and takes a sip.
"What did your mom say?" She asks after a few moments and I suddenly realize just how long I hadn't talked to her. My expression drops a little and I look down at my drink, twirling it between my fingers.
"Um... my mom... passed away..." I say quietly. Selena's expression drops and she reaches out for my hand again.
"Oh my god, Andi..."She says. She starts to tear up and I look at he and re- assure her that I'm ok. I tell her what happened and how she died as quickly as I could without getting into too much detail. It's still hard to talk about it, which is why I just avoid it all together.
"So... yea... now we just have this little one to focus on for now," I say as I place my hand over my baby bump.
"Awe... that's amazing... I'm so freaking happy for you... do you know what you're having?" Selena smiles.
"No not yet... but I think it's a girl,"
"Awe..." Selena says.
"But what about you...? How've you been...?" I ask quickly changing the subject to her as I didn't want to hog all of the attention.
"Oh, well... um... still pretty much the same for me... after we lost touch I moved back home for a bit... just to help out my dad... he got sick there for a little bit but he's ok now... so I moved back here to Seattle and working at the store now, " She says and takes a sip.
"Really...? That's awesome," I smile and take a sip.
"Yea... but you're life is so much more exciting... like oh my god," She says.
"Uh ok," I giggle.
"No really.... do you get to travel with him? Do you get to meet other bands?" She asks as she takes a sip.
"Well yea... After I quit working at Lost Loves, I became their P.A so I technically work for Susan Silver Management but only strictly for Soundgarden. I just set up appointments for interviews, set up accommodations, make sure the schedule's running on time, grab anything they need... but it's not like as exciting as it sounds... it's tiring more than anything, but... yea I have met a few bands from travelling with Chris," I say and take a sip.
"See... so much more exciting than my life..." Selena giggles and I giggle with her.
Bad Animal Studios Seattle Washington,
"Ok guys... we can uh... finish up more songs tomorrow... Matt and Ben are going to do some more drum and bass track layering so..." Michael says as Chris and Kim enter the control room.
"Cool," Kim says and packs up his Gibson Firebird
"Uh... yea... is it ok if we do that later in the afternoon?" Chris asks as he packs up his Gretch.
" Yea sure... anytime you guys want to..." Michael says as he starts to cue up a new tape on the reel to reel machine.
"What's going on?" Kim asks.
"Oh... Andi has an ultrasound appointment tomorrow in the morning so... I kinda wanted to go with her," Chris says as he zips up the case to his Gretch.
"Cool," Kim says as he zips his case up as well.
"Alright see you guys tomorrow," Michael says not even looking at them and turning in his chair to make a phone call. Chris gives him a weird look but Kim motions for them to head out the door so Chris just follows.
"So... gonna see a pic of the baby tomorrow?" Kim says as he lights up a smoke while they make their way to their vehicles.
"Yea... well we sort of had a glimpse the last time but we couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, it -she or he... wasn't facing the right way to get a clear view..." Chris says as he lights up a smoke with Kim.
"Awe that sucks... but hopefully you'll find out tomorrow..." Kim says as they make their way to Kim's car first.
"Yea... Andi says she thinks it's a girl but..." Chris trails off and puffs his cigarette.
"What do you think it's going to be?" Kim asks as he sets his guitar in the back seat.
"Well I'm hoping it's a boy but... I honestly think it's a girl too..." Chris smiles and Kim smiles back.
"Either that or Andi's just said it's a girl so much that now I'm just convinced it's going to be..." Chris says as they both laugh together.
"Hey... wanna head out for a drink? Or do you have to be home?" Kim asks.
"No I don't have to be home... a drink sounds good actually," Chris says.
"Off Ramp Cafe?" Kim asks.
"Sure," Chris smirks.
"Alright," Kim says tapping Chris on the shoulder.
Off Ramp Cafe, Seattle Washington
"So how far along are you?" Selena asks me as she sips her Vodka Cranberry.
"Almost 6 months," I say and sip my orange juice.
"Really...? Jeeze you sure don't look it..." Selena says
"My shirts tell me otherwise..." I giggle and she laughs with me.
"What's it like...? Is it weird...?" She asks.
"Um... well yes and no. We tried for a long time and nothing was working so I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant at all... then it just happened. So at first I was really sick but that seemed to settle down after I was like 13 weeks or so, but I still didn't even feel the baby, I just felt like my stomach was getting bigger. I still don't really feel anything so it's almost like it's not there... which is weird. But I heard the heart beat..."
"Awe... really?" Selena smiles.
"Yea that was crazy... that made it really sink in,"
"Awe... you thought of any names?" Selena asks.
"Actually no... I have no idea..." I say and take a sip. I hadn't even thought about names at all. I don't know why, it just hadn't even crossed my mind. Just as I take another sip of my juice I quickly glance up and see Chris and Kim walk through the door. Chris immediately spots me and flashes me a smile, his blue eyes gleaming, his army green button up shirt that he always leaves unbuttoned. I swear I'm still not used to seeing him with his head shaved though. I miss those beautiful curls but... hey it's just hair. I still don't know why he did it though. I mean I know he's under a lot of stress with recording the album. I can tell he doesn't get along with Michael all that well, though he doesn't really talk about it, so it may be because of that. I just don't understand why he just decided to do something so drastic. I know it's his hair, but I'm allowed to miss it.
"Hi baby," He says so sweetly as he walks up to me with Kim. Selena looks up and sees Chris place a quick kiss on my lips, her eyes wide as she realizes he's right here in person.
"Hi... um... I don't think you ever met Selena have you?" I ask.
"No... I don't think so..." He says as he slides into the seat beside me.
"Well this is Selena... " I smirk, Selena giggles and Chris smiles sweetly.
"And that's... wait... who are you again?" I joke and Kim squints his eyes at me while Chris laughs.
"Oh, Andi you're so hilarious," Kim says sarcastically.
"I'm Kim," He says and Selena smiles at him.
"Selena,"
"Mind if I sit?" Kim asks so sweetly.
"No, not at all," She smiles and he slides in smoothly beside her.
"I thought you were still doing recording sessions?" I ask as I turn and look at Chris.
"We finished early so we thought we'd come out for a drink," Chris says and I nod taking a sip of my juice.
"Did you get everything you need?" Chris asks as he looks at my shopping bag from Lost Loves.
"So far... I still need to get some more baby stuff but um... I found some really cool shirts that I can fix up..." I say as I open up the bag.
"You went into Lost loves?" Chris asks.
"Yea... and that's how I ran into Selena, So we thought we'd come out for a drink and catch up," I smile at her and she smiles back.
"Cool," Chris smiles and the waitress comes back while Chris orders his usual Jack and Diet Coke and Kim orders a beer. We sit and talk with each other for a little bit more as the guys get to know Selena a bit more. I still can't believe so much time has gone by. Kim seems to be taking a liking to her. I can so tell he's trying his best to flirt.
Oh, Kim.
"Well I think I should be heading out here, I gotta open the store in the morning," Selena says as she stars to get ready.
"Ok... oh here," I say and move out of my seat to stand up as Selena make her way around behind Kim. She embraces me in another hug, this one a little longer and I can feel Chris and Kim look up at us.
"I've missed you Andi..." She says quietly.
"Me too" I say back. She lets go of me and I try not to get emotional again.
"Oh wait... here's my number..." She says as she pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. She quickly scribbles her number on it and hands it to me and I give her mine as well.
"Alright... well, give me a call or whatever and we'll uh... hang out again," She smiles.
"Cool," I smile back and she quickly gives me another hug. After she says her goodbyes to Chris and Kim, she then makes her way out of the Off Ramp and I resume my seat next to Chris as he places a kiss on my temple and moves a little closer to me to rest his arm around the back of my chair.
"So uh... you gonna give me her number or what?" Kim asks slyly raising his eyebrow and takes a sip of his beer while Chris and I laugh.
" You could've asked her yourself," I smirk.
"Yea I know... but... that would take the spontaneity out of it," Kim smirks.