I tossed and turned growing irritated I couldn't get comfortable. Phoenix and Lacey had long since fallen asleep based on their soft snores and steady breaths. We decided against our better judgment to have a classic last night and stay up late, Phoenix's newfound crush one of the major topics of the night. I wasn't let off the hook, however, after Ky and I got a little cozy at the bonfire. A hot blush licked my cheeks just thinking about the teasing they put me through. I shook my head grinning, that feeling rushing back and welling up until I had to hold in a giggle. The emotion used to be foreign, completely nonexistent. But as of late, it's all I've felt; pure joy.
It was hard to part ways from my dear friend. One of our biggest fears was not seeing each other again after either one of us left our cells, old habits die hard I suppose. My smile faded at the thought. Darren was still nowhere to be found. I balled my fists trapping the blanket in between my fingers letting out a soft huff. I turned over sharply on my side. After laying there a few seconds I flipped to the other side. I fluffed my pillow. I fluffed it some more. I sat up some and punched the pillow. I lied back down. I punched the pillow more. I sat up fully and turned to sit on my knees completely wailing on the pillow. I froze when Phoenix shifted mumbling in her sleep. I let out a breath of relief when she settled down, plopping on my stomach. I groaned. I still wasn't comfortable. I slept on concrete before they finally gave us cots, I should feel like I'm sleeping on a cloud.
I sighed sitting up. Maybe it was the fact my thoughts were still running ramped and not the bed. Like knowing it's not quite over. Darren was sure to try and retaliate. Would he go after Sarah? Or any of the other thousands of victims? Would he free his team of disgusting individuals? I swallowed to get rid of the sudden dryness. Will he succeed in finding me? I shook my head. Of all those things, those aren't even the thoughts keeping me up. Something Lacey said earlier. It wasn't even meant to affect me the way it has, but it did.
"So," Lacey wiggled her eyebrows. "What's up with you and Ky?"
"Nothing, we're just, friends?" I scrunched my face at my own tone.
"You said it like a question," Phoenix said. "You don't know? He hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend?"
"Uh, no?"
"Well, why not?" I shrugged. "He should, y'all sure did look like it tonight."
I coughed slightly, ignoring the burning sensation on my face, "There's just a lot going on. I mean, Sarah's back, we just got through with raiding prisons and arresting a bunch of people, we still have to get to the trials in court, not to mention I'm still learning how the system works; I don't blame him for not asking."
"Come on," Phoenix chided. "You know what happens. They're taken to jail, they go to trial where they determine guilty or not guilty. If they're found guilty they're sentenced to a number amount of years in prison."
"I get that, but what about people who are taken out of town? Like Cleo and Braxton?"
"Oh, that," she rubbed the back of her neck ruffling her dirty, blonde curls. "They go through the same thing; after they're brainwashed."
"Say what?" I wasn't sure if I heard her right. I had heard rumors about it, but never really thought about them being true.
"Just enough so they don't remember the town, that way they can't tell anybody where we are. It's safety precautions."
"Yeah, but still."
"Did anybody tell you about the death penalty?" My eyes went wide. "That's only for the worst of the worst crimes, like first-degree murder and whatnot."
I looked down in thought. "It makes sense. So everyone is judged fairly."
"Well, I didn't say that. For the most part, I guess, but there are people who are innocent and sentenced to prison."
"What? Why?"
"There's evidence against them," Phoenix shrugged. "And there are no other suspects."
"Well, that's sad." They nodded. "If I was in charge, I'd do my best to make sure the right people go to prison." I paused, "If they catch and arrest him." I didn't have to say his name for them to know who I was talking about. "Will he die?"
"I don't know, Saige," Lacey spoke up. "That would be up to the jury."
"You mean there's a chance he won't?"
"It's possible if he gets some kind of plea deal," Phoenix said.
I clenched my fists. I'll just have to make sure the situation doesn't go that route.
"Okay, enough with the gloomy talk. I've allowed it long enough." We laughed at her annoyed attitude. "Back to the topic at hand."
"Which is?" I asked.
"You and Ky!"
I groaned covering my face with a pillow, "We've already moved past that."
"I'm still stuck on it."
"Obviously," Phoenix rolled her eyes.
"Oh don't worry, you're next." I lifted the pillow in time to see Lacey smirk at Phoenix's now beat red cheeks. "What I don't get is," she turned back to me. "You act as if you don't want to be in a relationship with Ky."
I remained silent.
"Are you not ready?"
"It's complicated," I answered quietly.
When I didn't let on to anything else she replied, "Well, I think y'all would make the perfect couple!"
Perfect.
That was something I was far from.
I couldn't be with Ky, not like this. He was perfect, pure.
I'm not.
And I don't think I ever will be.
I glanced at the clock and sighed. Clearly, I wasn't going to get any sleep. I pushed back the covers silently changing out of my pajamas and into a T-shirt and jeans. I brushed my hair, pulled on my boots and snatched a jacket for the early air. Autumn was coming soon which resulted to cool temperatures until the late morning. I actually remembered my phone at the last second and shoved it in my pocket. I successfully made it out of our shared room without being detected and made my way down the hallway, carefully stepping over the floorboards that creak. Surprised I've not woken anybody I put my hand on the doorknob and gently unlocked the door. I slipped through locking them in before I softly shut it. I didn't take any chances, however, and remained quiet until my feet hit the gravel safely off the porch.
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and headed to the barn. Maybe a ride would help me relax so I can sleep. When I walked in I went straight for the last stall only stopping for a moment to pet the red mustang, Bolt. I ran my hand over my paint horse's nose, she nudged me in greeting. I fed her a few sugar cubes and got to work saddling her. Once I was finished I took hold of the reins and led her out into the open air grabbing a lantern that was hanging on the wall. I hooked it to the saddle and mounted, pushing her into a steady trot leading her to the very familiar horse trail. Kelly will most likely be irritated that I'm outside alone, in the dark. Well, what else is new?
I breathed in the cool breeze attempting to clear my head. It worked for a moment before my thoughts pounced once again. I huffed in frustration. Why am I so stuck on this? Have I become so sensitive that the little things bother me? Except, this is not a little thing. It infuriates me that I can't be pure like Ky; that I couldn't save myself for a man I loved.
That thought caused me to jolt.
Do I love him? Or am I just wishing for something that will never be?
I slumped forward hanging my head. Just when I think I'm coming out on top I get all confused again. A single raindrop landing against my hair made me look up. Another one followed mimicking a tear as it ran down my cheek. I threw on my hood not slowing or possessing the desire to go back as it began to drizzle, so lost within the swaying rhythm of my horse and the night sounds that came with the darkness. Darkness. I was so sick of darkness. All it does it taunt you, reminding you of your past mistakes and how completely weak and worthless you are. It's the same song stuck on repeat. I wouldn't mind a new song. The rain picked up faster and I still continued, if my horse wasn't complaining then I wouldn't either. The droplets kept a steady beat soaking us in little time.
A splitting pain struck my skull. My hand shot to it instinctively. The surprise and severity almost had me falling off the saddle. I breathed hard barely registering how my horse kept her pace. The pain attacked again. I saw his eyes. I heard his laugh.
"Saige," he hummed against my ear, my name rolling off his tongue.
I whimpered involuntarily. No. Not again.
"Let's face the facts here."
"Get out of my head," I gripped the sides of my pounding head holding on for dear life as I spiraled down memory lane.
I wriggled and thrashed about, my breathing becoming shallow, his grip only tightening as he caged me against his chest. My throat was in too much pain to scream. His shoulders shook as he chuckled lowly, "Whether you like it or not."
"Shut up!" I growled fiercely. "You know nothing about me!"
"Shut up," I countered weakly.
He leaned down so close his lips brushed my ear whispering, "You're just like me."
"No."
"You're just like me."
"I'm not," I choked.
"You're just like me."
***
I breathed heavily, lungs on fire and body shaking from the effects of adrenaline now wearing off, fatigued from all the running. But I wouldn't stop. I had to keep going. I have to keep my promise to Sarah.
Sarah.
I rubbed my sleeves feverishly across my cheeks in an attempt to contain my composure for just a little longer. But I didn't know how much longer I could keep this up. My shin throbbed with every step, it felt the worst among the aches and pains that flooded my body after my fight. After I-
I gagged as the image burst in front of my eyes. No matter how many times I blinked, it wouldn't go away. Another flow of annoying tears escaped their cage. Again I had to stop my self from using my hands to wipe them away, from smearing Scarface's blood on my already blemished face.
I approached the steep hill with caution, urgency winning out as I had to keep moving. But footsteps and the sound of his voice froze me to the spot. "Saige," it was soft, but I wasn't one to miss the sharp edge to it. My heart rate spiked in an all new-high, the adrenaline returning in full. "Don't go." He was so good at making a command sound like a plea, it almost persuaded me. "Please." I wanted to scream my lungs out. Why is it after all this time, after everything he's done, can he still manipulate my heart like a puppet's strings?
I merely turned to face him, not hesitating to stare into those icy pools glaring in disgust, "Why should I? So you can just beat me to death? I don't want to live like this anymore!" My voice cracked and splintered with every word, each one more agonizing than the last. A drop fell from the gray sky landing on my hand, slowly trailing down my dark, stained skin before hitting the ground. A painful reminder of what just occurred. What I had just done. Another drop, and another, and another, until the rain picked up faster disguising my own tears, drowning the eerie silence of the woods. He stood maybe eight feet away completely rigid, his knuckles a bright white from clenching his fists so hard. Our clothes soon stuck to our bodies, his black hair pressed to his forehead directing the droplets down his face.
I watched his every move, and vice versa, neither of us quite knowing what to do next. I knew if he caught me I would breathe my last tonight, then everything would be for nothing. The rain provided me with comfort as it was thick and unrelenting. Steadily, it pounded the world beneath it like an angry war cry, and with night rapidly approaching, it provided me with a good amount of cover if I could get away. The wind howled and swirled around us, not sure which side to take. The wind was free to roam as it wished, taking to the skies with no hesitation or destination, overpowering anything in its wake. How I longed for that feeling, just a taste would satisfy my craving, and I can say I knew what it's like before I succumb to eternal darkness.
He took the first step, his expression softening when he observed my battered and shivering body, "Come back with me, Saige, and I promise things will be different. I can be different, better. I can't lose you, I love you." He stretched out his hand towards me in means of surrender, a truce, but all I saw was the end of a leash I just cut myself from.
I shook my head taking a step back to widen the distance grounding out as much hatred into my final words as I could muster, "That is one of the biggest lies that's ever left your mouth." The innocent facade dropped in an instant showing his true colors. "You fooled me once, I won't be so naive to let you do it again. You will never change, Darren Carter, there's no possible way for me to stay."
"You won't survive out there," he leered in an attempt to sway me one last time. "You won't last three days in your condition."
"I-," I choked, hacking and pulling in raggedy breaths spewing out blood in the process. I wasn't supposed to be talking, let alone yelling, but I pushed through finishing it hoarsely, "I would rather die out there a free woman than to be trapped another minute with you."
"Fine," his nostrils flared as he spat with vengeance, "You brought this on yourself."
And he lunged with the intent to kill.
I sidestepped him dodging his blow. I took off running knowing I didn't stand a chance fighting against him. An animalistic growl filled the air as he chased me; quickly catching up. The blinding rain didn't help. It made the ground slick, the fallen leaves slippery. I tripped, but I didn't fall. I hastily regained my balance and continued running. Which way did not matter, as long as I was going away. My body refused to keep up with my heart. I was so tired. The steep incline slowed me down tremendously.
I no longer heard him behind me. I stole a peek over my shoulder. He stood at the bottom, a smirk plastered on his face. It was getting harder to pull in air. He was toying with me; prolonging the chase. This was just a sick game. I hurtled over the peak and began to descend the other side. I dared not look back. I could feel his dark presence looming. I pushed myself harder doing my best to stay upright and avoid dangerous obstacles in the rain. The light was beginning to fade, and I was starting to rethink whether the cover of night was a good thing.
I reached the bottom.
I didn't make five steps before a body slammed into me.
Before I crashed to the ground his filthy hands snatched my shoulders and hauled me up. They wrapped around my upper arms constricting like a snake getting ready for the kill. My heart went into overdrive as the vibrations from his amused laughter seeped into my back sending violent chills down my spine. "Saige," he hummed against my ear, my name rolling off his tongue. His breath fanned across my neck. "Saige, Saige, Saige. It's fun when you play hard to get."
"Let me go!" I pleaded. He silenced me by pressing his lips against the side of my neck, purposely taking his sweet time moving to my jawline, then back down to my shoulder. I suppressed a whimper. I remained frozen in fear, completely at his mercy. I hated it.
"You've been a bad girl. What do you think I should do about that?" I didn't answer. "Maybe you've spent too much time in the cells. Maybe, you should spend more time with me. In fact, maybe I'm the only one you should see." My eyes widened. "Clearly you've abused the freedom I gave you out of the goodness of my heart, so," he leaned in. "I'll take it all away."
"No," I whispered.
"After all, we have something in common now." His hands shot down like lightning entrapping my wrists and forcing them into my line of sight.
I shook my head vigorously, "You're wrong."
"Am I? It took a while to figure out who Monroe was. I hear he has a vengeful family."
"Stop it."
"You not only took his life but mauled him after he was dead."
"Shut up."
"Murderer."
"No."
"Look at your hands! They're covered in his blood!"
"No! Leave me alone!"
"Oh, Saige," he practically sang. "Let's face the facts here." I wriggled and thrashed about, my breathing becoming shallow, his grip only tightening as he caged me against his chest. My throat was in too much pain to scream. His shoulders shook as he chuckled lowly, "Whether you like it or not."
"Shut up," I countered weakly.
He leaned down so close his lips brushed my ear whispering, "You're just like me."
The world crashed around me with his final blow. I ceased moving. I no longer felt the continuing rain, nor the pain in my body or the brittle, racking shivers. I didn't feel anything. The numbing sensation started in my chest and rapidly spread throughout, encasing everything. My emotions, however, were not spared. I hung my head low in defeat. I no longer fought him or my tears. The guilt burned like acid, eating away until there was nothing left.
His arms slid around my waist pulling me flush against him,"The faster you accept it, the faster we can go back to normal."
"There's nothing normal about this." It was becoming harder to project.
He rested his chin on my shoulder, "That's the best part." He began to kiss me again. "You'll never run away from me again." His hand gripped the back of my neck so tight I yelped. An unbearable agony exploded within my throat. "Looks like I'm going to have to teach you another lesson." I coughed and wheezed struggling to breathe. My knees buckled and I hit the ground falling out of his grasp not bothering to catch myself. "Saige?" I couldn't answer even if I wanted to. The world was spinning too fast and my neck hurt too much. I hacked some more, another wave of pain thrashing harder than before. "Saige!"
Hands hesitantly grabbed me and flipped me over on my back. I turned my head to the side before I opened my eyes. He sat on his knees with his mouth agape, just staring; like he didn't know what to do. For just a second, I could see the old Darren. The one who actually cared. The boy who saved me from drowning and snuck me extra food and water. The one who took me outside against his father's wishes because he knew how much I loved the sun.
The Darren who was my friend.
His hand reached forward, stopping halfway, "Don't die, please."
I heaved, shoving aside the urge to give in to his gentle side narrowing my eyes and pushing every last ounce of strength I had left into two barely audible words, "Your...fault." He jumped scurrying backward a good distance on his haunches. I coughed once more, and something popped. I rolled over onto my side spitting blood and continued to wheeze and fight for air. Except, I could no longer hear any sound.
The downpour filled the dead silence in the suspended few seconds our wide gazes locked. I opened my mouth, the sharp slice of torment breaking off my attempt. I winced cowering behind my arms, knocked down to a whole new level of despair. When the pain subsided to a dull throbbing I lifted my head up to discover he hadn't moved. My wheezing turned into angry huffs. I tried to push myself up and didn't get very far. I shot him a deadly glare uncaring of the consequences. Just when I thought he couldn't take away anything else. I managed to keep in a growl that built up, more for keeping the pain at a minimum. I balled my fists with no other way of letting out the anger and slammed them against the ground.
The movement broke his trance, and like a switch, it was back to the Darren I hate. His face hardened into stone as he stood up. I gave it right back. If I was going to die, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. He tensed, lunging in a single, strong leap that would have brought him right in front of me. He never made it.
A bolt of hot, white lightning struck in between us sending him back into a tree. He cried out in pain dropping to the wet ground holding his face in his hands. I checked myself to see if I had any damage or pain from it completely thrown for a loop. I felt better; like I obtained a second wind. Which was totally mind-blowing because that couldn't be normal, right?
Run.
I instantly sprang to my feet watching Darren with caution. He panted frantically rubbing his eyes, "I can't see. I can't see!" I stepped back quietly still astonished. "Where are you?" He stumbled swiping air. "Come back! You can't run away from me!" I walked backward. "No! NO!" He tripped and fell face-first into the dirt. I took that opportunity and made a mad dash into the woods, never looking back. "I'll hunt you down! You can't stay away forever! You hear me, Saige? I WILL FIND YOU!" His booming voice faded in the distance as I left him behind.
I escaped.
***
The rain kept it's steady pace, soothing my headache. The horse brayed under me, stomping her hoof. I blinked slightly disoriented. I looked around not knowing where I was considering it was still dark. I groaned nudging her forward to see if I could figure it out before I made a call that would end with me getting yelled at. I didn't go far before we emerged from the trees revealing a cliff. I breathed a sigh of relief, it was the same cliff I found on the less traveled trail. The same spot I screamed at God.
I dismounted and tied the reigns to tree leaving some slack for her to move comfortably. I patted her neck, "I really need to name you." She shook her head and bent down to graze the grass. I chuckled and walked towards the edge sitting on a rock. I had a perfect view of the sky, and yet no stars or moon could be seen. The only light coming from the still lit lantern, and even that didn't make much difference. I sighed placing my head in my hands. Those hazel eyes flashed through my memory which brought out another heavy sigh. "I can't be with him like this. He deserves better." I took my hood off. "Everything was taken away from me, it's not like I can get any of it back; no matter how much I want it." The surprisingly warm breeze picked up swirling around my body.
Give it to me.
I sucked in a sharp breath shooting up to look around, but no one was there. I swallowed turning to face the cliff listening closely, waiting for the voice I've heard but always denied.
Take the weight off your back. Give it all to me.
The light returned filling me immediately in a familiar but different way than the last time.
Let me fill your heart with a brand new song.
A soft cry escaped me. He can do that?
I can make you a new, beautiful daughter. I can cleanse and wash you white as snow.
"I have a lot of baggage."
I died for you so you don't have to carry it.
I kneeled down, "My sins run deep."
There is nothing I can't forgive.
I remembered what Ky said. "Surrender is power."
Let it go, and you will be free.
Silent tears ran down my cheeks as I sat there soaking it in. My voice rang thick with emotion, "Okay, God." A sob worked its way up my throat. "You win." I placed my hands on the ground and leaned forward. "I want what the people of this town have. I want peace and joy. I want to live in the light. I want to be whole. I want what was taken from me." I took a deep breath. "Please, take what doesn't belong to me. Take it all. I don't want it." I laid myself down just like I saw Commander do. "Forgive me, Lord. Set me free." The warmth from the light enveloped me in an embrace. I unzipped my black hoodie and tossed it to the side. "I am yours."
At that moment, the sun peeked over the horizon shining its rays onto the world. I caught my breath moving my damp hair out of my face. I had never seen a more beautiful sunrise. The colors blended together like a painting and seemed brighter than I've ever seen them. I grinned, genuine laughter rising from my mouth as I jumped up. I felt lighter; like I could leap from this cliff and fly. And for the first time, I was happy without the need of someone else. I experienced true joy. I wasn't anxious or on edge; peace settled into my bones. These feelings could only come from a powerful source. It made me wonder why I hadn't surrendered sooner.
It is finished.
I laughed louder spinning around, dancing with the wind and rain until the sun was almost fully above the horizon. I ran my hands through my hair and straightened my white T-shirt tilting my face to the heavens. My heart beat fast as I ran over to my beautiful paint horse untying her and mounting her in haste. I beamed one last time at the gorgeous scenery. "Time to go back...Dawn."
Dawn neighed seemingly in approval. I giggled petting her neck before turning her around and urging her into a full run. I whooped and hollered as we raced down the mountain. In no time we burst from the trees out onto the open field, the sun now fully in the sky. I just couldn't contain my laughter. It poured out, spilling past my lips like an overflowing volcano with no control. I felt amazing; better than I have ever felt in my life. I came to a sudden stop by the barn breathing hard. Hannah poked her head from inside, "You're lucky Kelly isn't up yet. You look...different." She eyed me up and down giving me a kind smile. "I don't know why, but you do. Are you okay? What's weighing you down, sweetheart?"
I sent her my wide, cheesy grin, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
***
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
— Martin Luther King Jr