Seattle Washington, January 15 1993
"Nice! That tone was perfect," Kim says as they end the song that they were rehearsing.
"Fuck I need a drink... my throats a little fucked up, mind if I grab a beer?" Chris says as he sets his '89 Gretch down on the guitar stand.
"No man, have at 'er," Kim says as he plucks the strings to his Gibson Firebird.
Kim had made some new renovations to his studio at his home so Chris and the guys decided to rehearse there instead, to try out the new acoustics and recording equipment. So far it seems to be working out really well.
"I'm surprised Andi didn't come over with you," Kim says still plucking away at the strings.
"Yea she's usually always up for hanging out with us," Matt says as he sets his drumsticks down on the snare drum.
"Yea... she uh... had an appointment or something today... so she said she would try and make it over when she was done... " Chris lies as he walks over to the fridge and pulls out a beer. In reality she didn't want to come at all because... well...
"I'm gonna head out to the store for some more drinks... you guys want anything?" Ben says as he sets his bass down and grabs his keys.
"Yea... well actually I'll just come with ya," Matt says and gets up from his stool.
"Chris... you need anything?" Ben asks.
"Uh... no I'm good," He says flipping his curls out of his face.
"Kim?" Ben asks.
"Uh... yea.... smokes?" Kim says as he pats himself, realizing he was out of cigarettes.
"Ok," Ben says as he and Matt head up the stairs and out of the studio. Chris walks back over and sits down on one of the stools, taking a sip of his beer.
"You alright man?" Kim looks at him as he still plucks the strings on his guitar.
"Huh...?" Chris says as Kim breaks him out of his daze.
"You're just really quiet... you ok man?" Kim asks and sets down his guitar on it's stand and head over to the fridge or a beer.
"Yea... yea I'm fine..." Chris says and takes a sip of his beer. Kim opens his beer, takes a sip and sits down on a stool across from Chris as Chris looks down at his feet, examining his Doc Marten's, leaning forward, resting his forearms on his knees. Kim looks at him not sure if he should press him or not but he know Chris well enough to know when something's on his mind.
"Andi and I are trying to have a baby..." Chris says as he leans back on the stool and takes a sip.
"Really? That's fucking awesome man," Kim smiles excitedly and takes a sip of his beer.
"...Right?" Kim trails off noticing that Chris didn't really react.
"Yea... yea no it's good... it's just...." Chris trails off and takes another sip not knowing how to explain his feeling.
"What's wrong?" Kim asks.
"Nothing.... well.... I hope nothing's wrong..." Chris says and Kim gives him a confused look.
"We've been trying since August... so I know it hasn't been that long but... I'm just... I'm confused as to why nothing's working...." Chris says looking at his beer and peeling the label.
"Um... well you're like... you're doing it right...right?" Kim asks awkwardly.
"Yes... fuck yes... fuck," Chris says quickly trying not to be awkward but getting uncomfortable with talking about sex with Kim all of a sudden.
"Sorry... It's just... ok...never mind," Kim says and takes a sip.
"Yes we're doing 'It' " Chris says and Kim giggles.
"We have like a schedule too... "
"You have to schedule it...?" Kim raises his eyebrow.
"No... like a schedule when she's ... like... the time of the month when she's supposed to be more likely to get pregnant..."
"Oh... an ovulation schedule... ok," Kim says finally getting what he meant.
"Which yea... ok... but it sometimes takes the fun out of it... or something... but I don't get it... I don't know what's going on..." Chris says and takes another sip.
"Have you gone to a doctor?" Kim asks.
"Yea... well, I went just before we even decided to try for a baby and... everything is ok with me... at least that's what the doctor told me," Chris says leaning forward again.
"Is that why Andi isn't here?" Kim asks quietly.
"Yea... well she uh... she just wanted to be home alone really... which I get... so I didn't want to force her to come out... you're the only one who knows now that we're trying..." Chris says and looks at his beer.
"Is she alright though...?" Kim asks slightly concerned.
"Yea... yea she's fine... she had and appointment back in December but I don't think her doctor checked anything, just gave her some advice saying not to worry and that to just relax... but it just seems like... I don't know..." Chris trails off and takes another sip.
"Have you talked to her about it...?" Kim asks.
"No... and that's another thing... it's like there's this weird awkwardness between us that I can't explain... I don't know how to... even bring it up... I don't want her thinking it's her fault... "
"Then you gotta talk to her and let her know that..." Kim says.
"I know... I know... I just... I really want to have a baby with her, you know? It's fucking frustrating and I don't know how to even talk to her about it,"
"Is it frustrating you to the point where you don't want to be with her?" Kim says taking a sip.
"Fuck no, why would you ask that?" Chris remarks quickly almost offended at the question.
"Sorry... sorry I just wanted to make sure you weren't thinking something crazy," Kim re-assures him and takes another sip.
"No... I love her more than anything..."Chris says looking down at his beer again.
"I know... but you gotta let her know that... it's gonna happen, don't worry. I still think it's fucking awesome that you guys are wanting to have a baby," Kim says with a smile.
"Thanks..." Chris smiles and takes a sip.
"Don't worry man... it'll happen..." Kim says and takes a sip.
"I hope so,"
•••
"Hidden under it's wings
The darkness you wish to hide
Bearer of ugly truths
Grey...
Somber morning
Through blurry glass
The black crow
Here comes the messenger
Found bringer of dark days
Here comes the messenger
Black crow on a tombstone"
Laying on the floor in the living room, I blast Satyricon's 'Black Crow On A Tombstone' through the stereo speakers, feeling the music flow through my being. It had been so long since I was able to just zone out and lay on the floor feeling the music and letting it take me to a whole other world.
Chris was at band rehearsals at Kim's place which allowed me to hang out here by myself. I have to admit, it's actually nice to just be alone and crank some dark, black metal... something that I actually haven't done in a while. Chris asked me to go with him but I'm honestly just not in the mood to be around the guys right now.
It's a little weird when Chris and I are alone together. It's hard to explain... it's like theres this awkwardness between us when we're together, if we're not having sex I mean. It almost feels like because we're trying to have a baby, the spontaneity and romance is taken out of it. I know it's because of me, I'm the one who put us on a schedule because the doctor had told me to keep track of when the best time to conceive would be... but I don't know how to tell him that I'm not sure I even want to try anymore.
So instead of talking, I'm laying here on the floor, in the living room of our beautiful house, trying to forget about how I feel.
"Stare
That reeks of death
The posture
Makes you tremble"
Here comes the messenger
Found bringer of dark days
Here comes the messenger
Black crow on a tombstone"
"What the..-?" I say when the music is suddenly turned down. I look up and see Chris standing over me smiling.
"Sorry... I was trying to get your attention," Chris chuckles a bit.
"Oh... hey, sorry," I give a half smile and pull myself up into a seated position.
"That's ok..." He says as he kneels down to me.
"You're home early...?" I say as I adjust my Black Sabbath shirt from laying on the floor.
"Yea well..." Chris shrugs, his dark curls falling in his face. He looks back at me and flips them out of his face giving me a half smile.
"Uh... how did it go...?" I ask breaking the moment of silence between us.
"Good... it was good..."Chris grins at me.
"Good..." I say quietly. He leans in to me and places a quick kiss on my lips and then stands back up and turns the music back up for me, then heads walks towards the kitchen, his footsteps booming against the hardwood floor, his curls swaying with his movements. I exhale as I sit for a moment and close my eyes, then lay myself back down on the floor and loose myself in the music once more.