Harry's POV
London, November 28, 2016
"Mmm a little to the left, oh fuuuck, yeah right there, baby. You know what daddy likes!" I groan into Nikki's hair. My freehand squeezes her little waist.
There's a loud knock on the door and Nikki's annoyed assistant pops her head in.
"Are you two decent in here?" Kiko looks surprised to see Nikki and I fully dressed on the dressing room sofa. My moaning doesn't cease and Nikki smacks my thigh.
"Shut up! You sound like one of the hyenas from The Lion King!"
She was delicately massaging my wrist. The overuse of it this past week was catching up to me. Nikki snapped and made an appointment for me to get it looked at. Her predictions were correct, I have tight tendons and it's also slightly sprained. Surgery is a big possibility, but I'm being a big baby about it according to my lovely girlfriend.
"Mufasaaaa!" I blow a raspberry on her neck resulting in her squealing and pushing me away from her.
"You'll be on in 30, got you some tea and Harry, here's a black coffee. Are you ok with those shoes, Nikki? Marina brought in three to choose from if that heel is too high." Kiko points to the boxes by the clothing rack. She's completely unphased by our annoying arses now. Bless her.
"Oh, thank you. I might change them out then. It's a studio performance, so I don't need anything fancy." Nikki walks over, bending down to look at the shoes.
Her perfect little ass is on display in those tight, white jeans. A dark green lacy bralette is the top that she decided on with a long gold necklace hanging down past her cleavage. That sexy toned tummy is on display and I might just be drooling like Ed the hyena.
I love when she confidently shows off; it means she is finally hearing me and believing what I'm telling her. I want her to feel sexy and beautiful because she IS all of those things and more.
"Ooo check out these green boots, monkey!" She shows me a pair of custom sparkly combat boots.
"Oh, so I'm monkey again? You're making me dizzy, love." I take the boots from her and gesture for her to sit down. I remove the velvet high heels she had on that were not her style in the slightest even though she's sexy as hell in them. She lets out a gleeful giggle once I get her boots on, tapping them twice for luck.
It's this adorable quirk she does before a show—tapping her shoes together twice. Her manager told me that it's a homage to her favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz. In the beginning she tapped her shoes nervously, not sure how to channel her nervous energy. Her manager and I had some bonding time in Jamaica. He really loves her as his own daughter and I realize that maybe I need to suck up to the man more.
"She runs from everything, Harry. I told her that the stage is where she comes alive. She has nothing to be afraid of." David grinned. "Suddenly it became her thing to tap her shoes and say 'There's no place home!' before hitting the stage."
He told me this before Nikki and I officially got back together. Hearing people talk about her made me love her even more and I didn't think that was possible. You know when you idolize someone for so long and part of you never wants to meet them because their real persona might be disappointing? They don't live up to the pedestal you have them perched on?
I worry that I disappoint people all the time. It's why I make it a point to always be polite and gracious, not that I'm not really that way, but I always have to be conscious of my body language and even my resting face. Impressions are everything. It would literally break my heart if I disappointed my fans.
Nikki's reputation for many years was that of a bad girl. It's what her management wanted for her, hell, my own management wanted me to be the 'womanizer bad boy with the long hair'. You get manipulated for so long that you start to live and breathe it.
Nikki was able to leave her old management once David left and started his own company. He was with her since the beginning and the only way to really protect her was to take her away from the fuckers who keep ruining her for fame and glory. They forced her to do things that would traumatize anyone let alone a young teenage girl. She told me about that first time she did cocaine during one of my visits when she was last hospitalized. I was completely disgusted.
"No one would ever believe this, but I was dragged into a VIP room in some swanky club by my management team and they forced me to do it. They said my career would be over and that they would take everything away if I wouldn't snort it. I...I couldn't go back home. I really sold my soul to the devil when I took my first hit. My career continued to rise while I was secretly suffocating. I felt like an actress rather than a musician. I always had to play my part or they would find a devious way to punish me." She held my hand so tightly as if reliving it. Her reality is different now and her grasp on my hand was like she was holding on trying to remind herself that she was no longer made to be something she's not.
"They wanted me to be a train wreck. I'm already bipolar, just take me off my fucking meds! I remember trying to stop and getting so sick from withdrawals. I'd beg David or Ville to take me home. I made a mistake and I'd rather go home. At least I'd know I would be punished for something I deserved. I deserved to be beaten for what happened to my brother. That was always my mindset then. I'd repeat 'take me home' over and over."
My little actress in a black dress. I always knew she was genuine around me, though. She put on a mask for most people; any time she rebelled in interviews or said what she really thought, she was punished. I was afraid to ask her exactly how. She was tortured enough by the memories.
"Hey...what are you thinking about, baby?" Nikki runs a hand through my hair and I turn to look at her. I swallow at the heaviness in my chest.
"I'm thinking about you, my darling."
"Why the long face? Is something wrong? Should I switch back to the heels? Maybe this whole outfit is shit—mmph!" I cut her adorable rambling off with a kiss. The intensity of it is overwhelming. Everything this week has felt this way and not in a bad way. We hooked up with Zayn two more times before leaving New York. He came out to the SNL after party; it was a frenzy when the three of us were photographed leaving together.
It's strange to feel more connected to her after sexual experiences shared with someone else. Perhaps it's the freedom and acceptance of one another. All I know is that my heart pounds for her and no one else.
"Hmm if you wanted to wear my lipstick, all you had to do was ask." Nikki giggles at the plum shade my lips have turned. "Looks better on you, I think."
"Yeah?" I smack my lips together. "I better fix your lips, baby." I grab the lipstick from counter. "Be still..."
She stares up at me in amusement while I carefully apply the lipstick. I lick my lips in concentration, making a face at the weird taste. Lipstick should taste like cherries. I'm starting a petition.
"I wanna kiss you again." Nikki smirks.
"I'm sorry, but the moment has passed." I smirk smugly which earns me a thigh smack.
She flicks me off as I set the lipstick back on the counter. I do it right back and she throws one of the small pillows from the sofa at me.
"You better apologize for that." I playfully threaten.
"Nope, sorry! The moment has passed!" She laughs like she thought of the little joke first.
God, I love her.
"Knock knock!" Niall appears in the doorway. I pull on my lip to hide my smile, waiting for Nikki's reaction. He wanted to surprise her.
"NIALL!!" Nikki is positively beaming as she jumps into Niall's arms.
"Careful! I almost dropped the cupcakes I promised ya! Oh, and if some are missing...my invisible dog ate them." Niall laughs. He waves me over since Nikki won't let go of him and we have a cheesy group hug.
"I'm so fucking happy to see you!" She kisses his cheek.
"Happy belated birthday, sweetheart!" Niall hands me the cupcakes. I open the box ready to indulge only to be left completely unsurprised.
"There's only one cupcake left, Nialler."
"Yeeeah, that one is for Nikki, of course, yeh selfish prick!" Niall shakes his head and turns to Nikki. "This guy, am I right?"
+
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Niall and I sat behind the glass of the BBC Live Lounge to watch Nikki perform her special extended setlist. Her band was doing a quick sound check when Elvira's hands hit all of wrong keys on the keyboard at sight of Niall. She was squealing in Portuguese into her mic. It took awhile for Nikki to calm the poor girl down. Niall blushed when she muttered into the mic that she would go straight for him in English.
Nikki looks up at me after picking up her black guitar with two birds on it. She blows me a kiss with a wink as she starts her Led Zeppelin cover of "Dazed and Confused".
It was the most erotic performance of hers that I've ever witnessed. The aggression and rawness was mesmerizing to watch. Her little body moved with her guitar like they were connected. It was only her and her guitarist, Rachel, joining in with minimal electric accompaniment. Niall didn't miss it when I coughed and crossed my legs in discomfort.
"Want me to punch your dick for old times sake?"
"Fuck off." I laugh and lean away from him.
She performed her current single then a more poppier B-side that didn't make the album called "Diamond Heart". My heart constricted at the lyrics. I try not to overthink her lyrics too much because it very well could be about me. I was terrified of her hearing a couple songs from my own album.
My mind reeled over some of the lyrics that made my ears perk up the most.
I'd give you all my love if I was unbreakable.
Goodbye, so long. I don't know if this is right or wrong. Am I giving up where I belong? 'Cause every station is playing our song.
Goodbye my love. You were everything my dreams are made of.
Her eyes appeared glassy before she looked down, needing a minute before continuing onto the next song. Rachel whispered something too inaudible for me to hear and Nikki nodded. A bottle of water is handed to her. After taking a moment to recompose herself, she looks up with a smile.
I was naive—no selfish yet again—to think that she wasn't in as much pain as I was during our breakup. Stupidly, I assumed she was better off because she chose to break up with me. It was hard to accept that I hurt her and she had to make a choice she didn't want to make but knew she had to. I needed to grow a pair and she needed to distance herself.
A much softer song, "Pretty When You Cry" follows and I know from my first time listening to her album that it's about the toxicity in her relationship with Ville. She plays the electric guitar solo this time. That alone along with her perfect voice has the hairs on my body stand on end, every nerve of my body responds to her. She's my siren, my muse.
Her cover of "Hey You" by Pink Floyd makes me bite my fist. She's completely eye fucking me during this performance. If I cum in my pants, Niall will never let me hear the end of it. N-E-V-E-R! Lyrically, this isn't a seductive song at all. Nikki just loves to drive me crazy and she knows I'm always into it.
The way she tortures me is like a drug I can't give up. It's the closest thing to addiction I know.
"Lies" still rattles my curiosity. My gut says it's about Taylor, but it seems like it's from her perspective and not Nikki's. It sounds remorseful when Nikki sings it. It's an indirect apology of disregarding Taylor's love towards her. It's beautiful. All of the drama and hurt amongst the three of us has diminished.
"She's incredible!" Niall says in awe. "How the fuck have I overlooked her music all these years?!"
"You thought she was scaaary!" I bust out laughing at the memory of Louis and I playing one of her music videos on the tour bus. It happened to be an angrier song and Nikki had on darker makeup. Niall yelped when he got out of his bunk to wee and he heard her scream 'MAKE ME WANNA DIE'.
"But nooow I know that she's a little cupcake!" Niall grins.
I huff and tap his foot with my boot.
"You're my little cupcake, too. Rainbow sprinkles! I promise!" He pats my shoulder and laughs. "How does she deal with you?"
"Oh, she has her ways." I turn and scratch my neck with my index finger, thinking of a particular time she dealt with me being a brat.
"Ew."
My face breaks out into a smile that I can't contain. Niall would not be into half the kinky shit we do. It would scar him for life.
Nikki's third cover, "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, is another seductive masterpiece. Niall and I quietly sang with each other, nearly making Nikki laugh in the middle of her performance at our dramatic faces. She shakes her head a of couple times, but sings right through her amusement.
"Kill, Fuck, Marry" has become my favorite song from her album. The more I listened to it, the more I realized that the song was about us in the most personal way she could convey it without saying everything outright.
But how is it that I don't scare you? You know my mind you live inside it, too.
No, I don't scare you and that is all I need to keep me from a padded cell. No, I don't scare you 'cause you know me and your face keeps me from a living hell. Don't know what I should do...kill, fuck, or marry you.
And you got me out of my mind crystal mind. Fragile...like a damaged child. I'm like a damaged child. I'm a sick little, little girl.
She looks right at me in the silence that follows before she begins her last song, my fragile girl who is much stronger now than she's ever been in her life. Sometimes it too much when she looks at me this way. The way she tells me everything in one intense glance.
Nikki smirks at my shaky exhale. She's giving me a taste of my own medicine, I see. We'll see who wins the next stare down then, Samson.
"This last song," Nikki clears her throat, "This last song comforted me on many lonely nights and sometimes chaotic days growing up. The meaning of it is simple but the impact of it has kept me going in my darkest moments. This is for the broken ones. This is my cover of "All Is Full of Love" by Björk."
Oh, my sweet angel.
There wasn't a dry eye in the studio after that performance. The moment filming had stopped I went over and pulled her into my arms. Every performance leaves her emotionally exhausted. She's baring her beautiful soul that she's kept hidden away for so long.
She's finally the woman she was always meant to be—free and loved the way she deserves to be loved.