Fall in your ways, so you can crumble
Fall in your ways, so you can sleep at night
Fall in your ways, so you can wake up and rise
| Solange - Rise
Remi clutched the big red envelope against her body, trying her best to hide it underneath of the denim jean jacket she was wearing as she approached her house. The moment the screen door swung open and Remi pushed her way inside of the home, the aroma of food cooking and laundry being done filled her nostrils. It may have been an odd combination, but to Remi it smelled delightful. It reminded her that she was finally home.
"Hey Rem," her little sister, Crystal, smiled up at her as she colored on plain sheet of printing paper.
"Hey my Crystal baby," Remi pecked her little sister's forehead, moving to head over to the stairs and run up to her room.
"What's that?" Crystal called out, pointing to the bright red folder that was now starting to slip out of Remi's grip.
"Yeah Remi, what's that?" her mother, Kimberly, questioned with a raised eyebrow as she walked out of the kitchen, her hand on her hip.
Remi shifted it around her body a bit so it was hidden, continuing to move towards the stairs, "My math folder."
Kimberly squinted her eyes at Remi before nodding, "Mhm. Dinner will be done soon and Samuel will be home shortly. Make sure you get yourself cleaned up and get your homework done before so, Rem."
Remi just nodded, waiting for her mother to fully walk away so she could go up the stairs. As soon as her mother turned on her heels to head back towards the kitchen, she bolted up the stairs and towards her room. She tossed her jean jacket across her room and picked up the red envelope that had the big white 'R' sprawled across the front.
"Okay," she began to pace back and forth, "This is it, just calm down Rem."
She could feel the paper beginning to get a bit soaked due to how wet her hands were feeling. Rutgers University in New Brunswick, New Jersey was the only college she applied to because it was the only one she wanted to go to. It also may have been because her guidance counselor only gave her one application fee waiver, so she didn't have any other choices because she couldn't afford to apply to them.
"Trey said all of your papers looked good and your GPA was at its highest when you applied. You'll be fine," she coached herself, taking deep breaths as her fingers ran over the top of the envelope, "You'll get in Remi, you have to get in."
Remi finally tore open the top of the envelope, grabbing the thin sheet of paper between her fingers with a little huff. Carefully, she slid it out causing the envelope so slide out onto the floor underneath of her. She brought the paper to her face and before she could read it, she shut her eyes tightly.
What was on this paper, was her future. Remi always had dreams of being a nurse and helping people. Especially after promising her sick grandfather that she'd be the first to graduate college from their family and make something of herself. To her it was more than just college, it was making him proud.
Popping her eyes open, she scanned over the paper and began to read the words out loud to herself in a whisper, "Remi Simmons, Congratulations! We're delighted to offer you admission to Rutgers University at the New Brunswick campus..."
Remi let the rest of the words trail off of her tongue, before going back to the top of the paper and rereading the word 'Congratulations!' over and over again.
Remi wasn't used to having good things happen to her, and in all honesty she expected to get denied. While she was very bright, her laziness caused her to lack on applying herself in school. Her grades were a bit average and she regretted waiting until senior year to snap them back into shape.
"Oh my fucking gosh," Remi squealed to herself, falling back on her bed and holding the paper to her chest, "You did it Rem, you got in."
"Remi!" her mother called from the bottom of the stairs, "What's all that screaming about?"
Remi quickly stood from her bed, hiding the acceptance letter under her pillows and adjusting her shirt, "Nothing! I just checked and my science grade went up!"
She waited a bit for her mother's response, but when she got none she figured her mother was satisfied with her answer and let it be. Remi did a small happy dance, spinning in circles as she clapped her hands. Right now, she wasn't worried about where exactly the money for the other various fees and tuition would come from, she was just proud of herself.
Remi grabbed the photo that she had tucked in her mirror of her and her grandfather, a smile spread across her face, "Your baby did it Pa. I'm going to college."
She pressed her lips to the picture quickly before putting it back in its original space and gathering her hair into a low ponytail. She gathered a change of clothes and placed her school clothes in a pile of laundry that needed to be done before cleaning herself up and getting started on her homework.
When dinner time had rolled around, she found herself eating her food with a wide smile. Her step-father, Samuel, eyed her suspiciously because he knew Remi was never this happy on a regular day. He was used to her complaining about how hard high school was.
"What's got you on cloud nine, Rem?" he questioned, a 'brow arched.
"Huh?" Remi snapped out of her thoughts, staring up at him, "Oh, nothing. I'm just thinking."
Samuel squinted his eyes at her before looking over at Kimberly who just shrugged her shoulders, placing a forkful of macaroni and cheese into her mouth. Samuel turned to Crystal and tilted his head, wondering if she'd spill the beans about what exactly was going on. Crystal was too busy pulling apart her barbecue ribs to be worried about what Samuel was worrying about though.
"Sure," Samuel tilted his head a bit back in Remi's direction, "Anything new going on in school?"
Remi bit her lip in a bit of hesitation, wondering if she should tell her family about the great news she received today. While many teens would be excited to share this news, Remi was anxious. She was weighing the pros and cons in her head before flagging it off because she knew Samuel would snoop around and find out anyway.
"I got accepted into Rutgers," Remi blurted out, making heads snap in her direction, "I found out today that they accepted me to the New Brunswick campus. I still have to figure some stuff out, but I got in."
Samuel looked down at his plate, moving his food around before clearing his throat, "That's nice, whose paying for it?"
It felt like Remi had something in her throat because she couldn't find the courage to speak up and say anything.
"I was thinking that I could take out a loan," Remi finally suggested, "And apply for some scholarships. Plus, it's in-state so it's way cheaper than going to a school across the country."
Samuel let out a little laugh, shaking his head, "You have no credit history, your mother's credit is down in the dumps, so who exactly is gonna be your co-signer? Me?"
"I—"
"You're gonna loan all of this money, go to college and build up a whole bunch of interest, but you don't have any idea on how to pay it off," Samuel scrunched up his face, "And you want me to put my credit on the line for you? You must be out of your mind, Rem. You better find a job around here to make a name for yourself because as far as I'm concerned, you aren't going to nobody's Rutgers."
While Samuel was a good step-father on most parts, his relationship with Remi was complex. When he first entered her life at the tender age of six, the two were like two peas in a pod. He had filled the role of her father, who was locked up for life, very well, but that had quickly ended when she turned ten. Crystal was born and Samuel was beyond thrilled that he had child that shared his same blood. Remi had quickly became a background figure throughout the household, sometimes feeling like her own mother couldn't be bothered by her. That was when he grandfather stepped in though and made her feel just as special.
Samuel had a great paying job with outstanding credit and could probably help Remi with college easily. Samuel felt as though since Remi wasn't his biologically his, it wasn't his responsibility. He had created a college fund for Crystal that was already filled with so much money, she could go to any school she pleased. Remi on the other hand had about five hundred dollars in her own personal bank account that she hadn't touched since her grandfather put it there four months ago.
With Kimberly quitting her job at a local firm to marry Samuel and be a full time housewife, there wasn't much she could contribute to Remi's push for college. All of the money belonged to Samuel and she couldn't even touch it unless he gave her permission.
Remi looked over towards her mother, hoping that she would say something in defense of her daughter going to school, but she stared down at her plate intensely.
"Or, you know what you need to do?" Samuel had taken Remi's silence as confirmation that she had quickly got over the idea of going to college, "Marry a rich man. If you marry a rich man, you'll be set for life. All you have to do is clean, cook, and do some other things and he'll be satisfied. You'll get all the money in the world and won't ever have to work a day in your life. It's much easier than worrying about college."
"I agree," Kimberly finally opened up her mouth to speak.
Remi shot both her mother and Samuel a glare that could kill. The thought of having to depend on a man for the rest of her life did not sit well with her. Her grandfather taught her to always be independent in most situations. Remi herself believed depending on a man for everything simply meant you didn't believe in yourself. Giving up her dream to play housewife to a man who probably would cheat on her with his assistant didn't exactly excite her either.
"I'm not doing that," Remi spoke up a bit defensively, "I'm going to college."
Samuel scrunched up his face, a bit taken back by her tone. If it was one thing he wasn't used to, it was definitely Remi giving him an attitude. She was always soft-spoken and well-mannered, so this was new.
"Excuse me?" Samuel questioned.
"I'm going to college," Remi repeated herself in a slower tone, almost as if Samuel was a child, "I'll find a way, I don't need you."
Samuel dropped his fork, twisting his lips to the side with squinted eyes, "Oh, you don't need me?"
Remi could feel a burning sensation in her chest as they both stared off, "Yeah, I don't."
"I'm glad you said that," Samuel folded his hands, "If you don't need me, you know what else you don't need? The food I pay for that feeds you."
Samuel was sure that would break her because if it was one thing Remi loved, it was food.
This time though, Remi wasn't letting up. She could be sweet when it came to a lot of things, but when it came to someone trying to stop her dream, she didn't like it. It bothered her and she knew if there was a time she needed to be stubborn, it was now.
"Sure don't," Remi pushed the plate of food towards him while tilting her head.
Kimberly looked up at her child in a bit of shock, before giving her a pleading look to stop the attitude. Kimberly knew how ruthless and dramatic Samuel could get when he felt disrespected or someone disagreed with him. Samuel was always to be treated like a king, and nobody could question him. As long as he paid all of the bills, it was like he had a control over every say so that went on. It probably was also one of the reasons why Kimberly hadn't questioned him about the multiple lipstick stains she had found on the collars of his shirts throughout the past two months.
"Remi," Kimberly whispered, before Samuel held up his finger, immediately making her go silent.
"You wanna go there Remi?" Samuel held the intense glare, "Because we can go there, and I promise you, you will regret it. Get this through your head right now Princess, you need me."
"I need no man but God," Remi shot back, not backing down at all.
Samuel scoffed with a low laugh, licking over his lips while nodding his head, "Well I hope God can give you a place to stay, because you can get a bag of things and leave."
Remi couldn't lie and say she was a bit shocked that he was kicking her out this fast, but she wouldn't let her straight face break. She couldn't understand what was so bad about her fighting for her chance to go to college and make something of herself. She didn't want to be like her mother, she wanted to be more than that and she couldn't understand why that made Samuel so upset.
"Sammy," Kimberly tried to give him a look, not believing that he was kicking Remi out of their home.
"What? She don't need me right?" Samuel laughed, staring over a Remi who began to get up from her seat, "If she don't need me, she don't need all that I provide—including the roof I put over her head. She should be grateful I'm letting her get a bag of things, the things I bought."
Remi's jaw was clenched a bit and her eyes were watery, but she had rushed up the stairs so they wouldn't see her. Immediately, she grabbed a bag and packed it up with her school clothes amongst a couple other outfits. She wasn't worried about the extra things like jewelry and makeup, and focused more on hygiene products and things to use for safety like a can of mace. She looked over at her nightstand and unplugged her phone, thankful that it was on seventy-five percent, before pocketing her charger.
She was sure if Samuel was kicking her out, it'd only be a matter of time before he shut her phone off as well so she had to play it smart. The last thing she grabbed was her acceptance letter, slipping it inside her backpack. She jogged down the stairs and could hear her mother and Samuel going back and forth, making her shake her head. She made sure her bags and backpacks sat at the front door as she slipped on her shoes to leave.
Remi didn't know where she was going to go, but she had some ideas on who may have been willing to let her spend the night.
"She's my daught—" Kimberly tried to speak up before Samuel slammed his fist against the table, causing her to jump back a bit.
"Well, go with her!" Samuel yelled, "You think I give a damn? Go! As long as Crystal Noel Graham, my daughter, is safe and sound under this roof I could give a damn about you and your child!"
Remi couldn't help but let a bitter laugh escape her lips as she slipped on a hoodie for some extra warmth. She could hear the rain hitting against the windows of their home, making her want to burst out in tears because she hated the rain.
"Where you gonna go Rem?" Crystal questioned walking up to her and blinking away tears that sat at the brim of her eyes, "I can talk to him, you know he listen to me."
Crystal had always picked up on how differently her father treated her older sister, but since she was so young she paid it no mind. She felt a bit guilty sometimes being such a daddy's girl and noticing how Remi had no father of her own, but she didn't know what she could do being only ten-years-old.
Remi laughed through her tears, shaking her head, "No Crys, it's okay babe. I'll call one of my friends and see if I can crash there. I'll figure it out, don't worry about me."
"It's not my fault, right?" Crystal questioned, hating to see her sister leave her.
Remi quickly shook her head, bending at her knee a to get to eye-level with Crystal, "No, no. Nothing is your fault, I promise."
"O-Okay," Crystal wiped her eyes, "I love you Rem."
"I love you to Crys," Remi opened up the front door as her sister gave her a little hug, "No matter what anyone tells you, you never give up on your dream okay? You never depend on anyone else either, because at the end of the day all you have is you."
Crystal nodded, sniffling a bit and holding onto her sister for a little tighter. Remi bent down and pecked the top of her forehead before she could feel Crystal being ripped from her side. When she looked up, she was met with Samuel's eyes, a sinister look dancing in the brown orbs. It was almost like he was taunting her and wanted her to know that he won. She looked past him and saw her mother, clearing the table while silently sobbing.
"You'll need me," Samuel confidently replied, "And the look on your face when you come begging for me to take you back in will be hilarious."
Before she could say anything, the door was shut in her face and she was left to fend for herself.
Hours had passed and after walking in the rain, Remi found herself in a twenty-four hour cafe. Everybody she thought she could crash with happened to be too busy to answer their phones, or their parents had said no. So, she sat in a chair, soaking wet with a saddened expression on her face.
In front of her was her acceptance letter, and she kept reading it over. If she wanted to secure her spot, and get a dorm which she'd obviously be needing now, she'd have to put down four-hundred and fifty dollars. That meant she'd only be left with fifty in her bank account until she figured something out with getting a job.
Staring down at the letter, tears began to form in her eyes. She was starting to regret her decision of being so stubborn and not just accepting what Samuel had said.
"Fuck," she cursed, wiping them away, "There's no way you can do this now Remi."
She stared down at the words and the cost, noticing FAFSA wasn't offering her much help. She was quickly starting to come back to reality that she had no way to afford this. The more she looked, the more she was prepared to go home and beg Samuel to let her back in the home. The thought of going to college was beginning to look like it wasn't happening.
"No, no," she shook her head, letting out a deep breath, "This is your dream Remi. This is what you promised Pa. You're gonna be the first one to go, and graduate, from college. You'll find a way."
Remi stared down at the letter before looking up out of the window, rain slapping violently against it. From the corner of her eye, she could see a hot-pink neon sign flashing in the darkness across the street. She squinted her eyes and mouthed the words 'Girls. Girls. Girls.' before her eyes traveled to the big sign that was out front of the building that seemed to have a lively crowd around it.
'ACE—GENTLEMAN'S CLUB'
Remi looked at the sign for a little while longer, licking over her lips. She stared down at her acceptance letter one more time, before packing it back up into her book-bag Remi gathered her things and left out the building, walking confidently across the street.
This was her dream and she was determined to make it a reality, by any means necessary.
‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵
__________
This is something new. Something that's going to test my limits and push me out of my comfort zone as a writer and I'm so excited for it. Shout out to my group chat of babies that pushed for me to publish it.
This journey is just getting started. 🤫