How many people can you say you trust with your life? It may just be an impression, but both Catarina and Helena seem to want to grasp their lives in their own hands. Helena doesn't think of the protection of the nobles, and Catarina does not trust her people to keep her safe.
Then, how many people know your secrets, or have seen you do something so shameful that it lingers with you, and still just want you to be happy, while you feel that you can trust them with that?
I think the number of people in each category shifts dramatically depending on the kind of world you grow up in.
In my former life, there was nothing but people you could entrust with your life, as their family name and honor depended on it. For an empire where you are supposed to know at least the name and achievements of the parents of someone you go to meet, things such as dishonor of an ancestor lingers for generations... and dishonorable people are kept at... a certain distance of everyone else. You're condemned to a hard life because an ancestor acted dishonorably. Thus, the lives of your children and descendants depend on you keeping your honor intact. Your own life meant less than that, so if you were entrusted with someone's life, then that life was worth more than your own.
However, because of this dedication to keeping your honor and reputation clean, dark secrets were more terrifying than an enemy... and the same is knowing someone else's. If you call them out, your path is clean. However, if you keep it and your lord finds out you covered for them... you can see where it goes from there. Weighing the lives of your children over that of someone else is something I believe to be natural, and as such letting people know your secrets and your shame could easily get not just you, but the people you told in trouble... and that is if they were friendly. Tell someone hostile, and you'll find your grave dug for you.
That said, these rules are not as strict in this world. The rules do exist and have an effect, so if it is found out that my unit were aware I was a lady all along, they'll probably be punished severely for letting me lead them, and for risking the life of a lady... for putting a damsel in distress so to speak... and usually so would Lionel.
As for me? Maybe a monastery for women at the least. After all, more than cross dressing, my actions could be interpreted as coercing a company of knights into abandoning their code of chivalry regarding damsels and falsely assumed command of troops. It is not a good fate, and for this reason they likely made Peony suffer in some way to prevent him spreading these news.
All in all, we have been fortunate that everyone accepted that I lead them, and have adjusted and accepted the risk. That is the reality of the current situation, and the choice I made when I accepted going in Eric's place.
I trust these men with my life... and though unwillingly, I trust them with the secret of my gender, my reincarnation and my sleeping and waking nightmares. That, however, is where I must draw a line. They are still my subordinates, and as such I have a responsibility to them to remain the hero 'Child of Scorog' to them. Asher too.
Asher is not a friend. He is a subordinate that dedicated himself to stand by the side of a hero. It is a role I must fulfill in return for his loyalty, and a role I am plenty willing to take and have taken before. It is the role I decided to take once in my former life, and a decision that ends up sticking with you. Old habits die hard.
—-*—-
During these years of my life as Lily, I have made many mistakes. Some from dealing with opponents I am unused to dealing with in such a restricted matter, and others from not understanding the finer details of the people around me.
Some of my mistakes could have turned out much worse than they did as well. Not only did I lose my temper with my mother Adela and scold her behavior, but when Lionel touched my hair and tried to insult me I ended up using the art of the empty hand. My first two severe mistakes. The rumors of that toss still come up once in a while at parties for high nobles, though they've been reduced to merely rumors due to great effort on my part... though certainly, I could have been punished quite severely for it as it was not respectable behavior for a lady. If not for the engagement already having been settled back then, I would have been punished quite harshly as it might have scared of future suitors and their parents. Thankfully my father merely gave me a warning when we were alone.
The matter with the female assassin at Salender mansion was much more severe.
In a moment of hesitance of worry at House Salender's reaction to having their mansion flooded, I didn't use the floodwave, but a sword instead. I cut her, and not with the strength of a child, nor the lack of skill of a child. Even if I had protected the boys, it would have been obvious that I had some sort of weapon skills, which would have put my father on the spot as none but him would have had control over my training. No matter how much he could claim I had never touched a sword, none would believe him. I may not have been punished directly at that point, but our family would have suffered greatly in matters of business and connections, which could easily have killed off most of our economy. The consequences would have been a disaster.
The only reason it didn't happen, was because an eight year old kid was thankful I saved his brothers and took the blame and the glory for the kill, by smearing himself in blood to make it believable. He quite literally had to touch the blood of a dead person to make it work and did so without hesitance once he was sure I was okay. Lord Tepet himself may be an ignorant man, but Lionel was raised well to react immediately rather than cower or be confused. Even for my former world, he might have gotten praise.
Back then Lionel was just a kid that didn't want his friend and lord to know of the dishonor in his family. He only covered for my secrets because I kept his secret and protected his family. At that point it counted as a deal. There was balance. It wasn't friendship. Kids are usually the last you want to be aware of your secrets, by Lionel didn't say anything. He kept it close and to my knowledge he kept his brothers quiet as well, otherwise Alstair would have known that Lily can use healing magic.
A thing I had never considered, but probably should have, is that we probably didn't end on neutral ground, but rather as a sort of allies. In doing that, it would explain why Lionel felt so bothered of my ignorance to my own pain.
—-*—-
Death of allies is always a difficult subject to approach. If you share religion, you have a sort of reference in common that you can use to talk of it indirectly, but even then it is difficult. In my former world we had simple ways of dealing with this. We know what happens after death, and that they go on as ancestors to us and run by our side. Warriors are prepared for these losses and you lick your wounds with your brothers and sisters of war... however, other than praising those lost and remembering the times you shared with them, you do not speak of your regret of not saving them... or the fear of losing more. By honor and pride it is a taboo, as regret and fear are sins. At best you can visit a geisha or a monk... but what you say can be brought on... as such, to breach the subject is formally nigh impossible in my former world.
Even if you do bring it up, does it help or does it simply remind them of the horror?
Thinking back on it now, Kenta likely suffered this dilemma ever since I returned. Though, as my subordinate he was not allowed to insult me without taking severe punishments for it. He might simply have watched me hurt without knowing what to do, for he was never a man good with words.
Asher kept prodding me gently while I was still refusing to face my pain. He may have tried to make me face my unwillingness to connect by slowly trying to sneak it under my defense or wear my defense out. I imagine most people that would have wanted to do something in my former life did the same, maybe Kenta too. Small indirect phrases and words to hopefully let me realize my flaws on my own...
Lionel fell into the same category as Magdalin by refusing to mention it. He probably wouldn't have mentioned it, if not for how wound up he ended up being over everything happening at the academy... and how I made another mistake.
I hadn't noticed that he'd finally found out about Alstair, or how troubled he was over the fact that the person he had trusted the most was a person that should never be trusted. The code of chivalry spoke that he should bring it up, but his vow also said that if Alstair mentioned the contract even once, then he was never to bring it up again. Something which here was bound to happen. Can you serve someone whose behavior you cannot accept? You can, of course. After all, the future of your family depends on it.
Though, in his desperation of making sure the kingdom would have a good lord he went to me... and truly, to find that I am the woman he would entrust with such a task, deeming me honorable and trustworthy, is worth more than any verbal praise would have been, even if I refuse the position... at that point I did not consider this, or that he may have thought of me as an ally. I immediately concluded he would use my secrets against me to make me do as he wanted. So I lashed out first and brought up his secrets first and pushed him over the edge rather than calm him down as I should have done. Though, it is easy to look back at your actions and find the right choice.
The price was paid. Though, despite my failure he covered for me again. More specifically by letting me harm him, rather than myself, and taking me to a quiet room where none could see my shameful behavior... this time he would have gotten nothing in return for this. He just did it.
We weren't close, we didn't have anything specific together. He could easily just have left me be until the nightmare ended, or just kept people away from the hallway rather than carry me off and risk someone see him carry off the prince's fiancé to a room just the two of them. In the end he just gave me advice and scolded me for ignoring my own pain and told me to take the time and mourn...
—-*—-
Looking at him now, he has grown up. He worries a lot and probably values his own life and time lower than he should... and for reasons beyond me he has chosen to trust me as an ally, and to want my approval. He looks up to me, but also has the guts to taunt me and see me as an equal.
Equal allies that would risk their life and their honor are rare and are something that should be treated as precious, for you meet very few of them during your lifetime. As such, he has his flaws and his behavior towards Claire was unacceptable, but he is someone I can trust.
As such, I made the decision to... let my guard down, even if just a little. He seemed to be repenting his actions with Claire too, so it would be unreasonable not to trust him that bit more.
—-*—-
After we finished eating and getting something to drink, Lionel joined me as we went back to the room that had been dedicated to me, and a new maid being a few steps behind us. Lionel had joined me for dinner with the quietly spoken words that food tasted better when eaten together, even though he himself could have eaten with his father or his men... I wasn't blind to the gesture.
I sat down on the bed quietly and allowed him to check my temperature again. I had my doubts it would have changed, but I felt better after eating and drinking. Lionel looked somewhat satisfied as well.
Still, if I went back to sleep in these sweaty clothes I would get sicker. I tug at the collar of the tunic and sigh.
"I'll need to have the sweat wiped down."
Lionel gives a small nod and looks to the maid at the door. She too has been forbidden to enter without being called in.
"Bring some water, a rag, and another set of spare clothes," he orders calmly. He always bounces back if given a bit of time to recover. You'd almost think Catarina sent so many assassins just to prevent him from recovering to harm his loyalty to Alstair if he was pushed too far. If that was her attempt, then it might have been a blessing in disguise that we ended up fighting... though, her goal may have been another entirely.
Either way... he's been over me all day, touching me carelessly, worrying for me, carried me around and even used his endurance against me to make me give in to being carried. I wouldn't feel fulfilled without evening the score. I make sure the maid is gone before I continue a beginning plan for a little bit of payback for the embarrassments I have had to endure today.
"It will be good to feel some semblance of clean. I'll be counting on you to take my back then, Lionel."
I give him my best attempt at a straight face. As I know it won't happen, I am not embarrassed by the thought, but Lionel doesn't have the luxury. He stares at me plainly for a few moments. Did he hear me? Then his eyes widen and his jaw kind of drops like he wants to say something, but doesn't know what.
Here the right answer would be: 'You know it does not work like that.' Whereto I answer something along the lines of 'oh right, I mistook you for a damsel in distress because you hit so weakly'. All said in joke of course. I even edited it to fit the standards of this world.
At least, that is what was supposed to happen. It didn't. Though, it appeared he was taking it seriously. No matter what, etiquette clearly stares he cannot do it. He wasn't speaking, and it began to draw out awkwardly.
"Or, you would have been if this world did not have brushes for reaching your back."
I finish the joke as Lionel doesn't have the composure to and I finally flash him a small and bit awkward smile from finishing the joke on my own... which is immediately met with a sullen face fall from Lionel. Vivid, unguarded and still quite satisfying. My vengeance has been taken for being carried about like one of those damsels in distress, although more awkwardly than I was planning. He'd been supposed to shoot it down.
"You were joking?"
He asks directly while crossing his arms. I, of course, just nod.
"Of course. It wouldn't have been appropriate for you to help me, which you should have realized."
He sighs... and puts a hand on my head to brush back my hair casually... all overly intimate...
"Well, if you can act all sadistically, you'll be fine by morning."
The sadistic part comes out somewhat sarcastically, but other than that he shakes his head and smiles with a bit of awkwardness in it. Still, the gaze in his eyes is somewhat soft. When I try to shove off his hand with mine he grabs my hand as though he expected it... and with a somewhat sly look in his eyes pulls my hand close and presses his lips against my fingers... our eyes lock, and he gives my hand a small squeeze before letting it go dreadfully slowly, and without breaking eye contact...
I... don't really know how to react to that.
Somehow this was going a bit off a tangent I didn't expect... Lionel pulls back and smiles at me a bit.
"I will step out while you wipe yourself down."
This guy bounces back fast. Still, I got to see him a bit flustered and out of words, so I'll take it... even if it went differently than planned. I'll be a bit more careful the next time I try to plan out something like this... or just wait until I am no longer sick...