Jesse blinked heavily, her hand resting on top of her empty stomach.
She was blankly looking up at the ceiling and her azure covers were at the edge of her bed.
The voice in her mind kept her awake and she found it impossible to fall asleep.
"You okay Jesse?" Lukas asked, for the one millionth time.
"I'm...fine," She replied dryly, her sullen gaze still locked on the ceiling.
"If you say so," Lukas mumbled, fidgeting nervously.
He doesn't really care about you...
The words bounced around Jesse's pulsing head and she only continued to lifelessly stare at the ceiling.
Jesse sighed slowly and a dull pain settled in her head. The familiar empty feeling arose again and Jesse was in a heavy state of doubt.
Her weary mind was starting to second guess and she started recalling the past.
She knew it was dangerous territory, but their wasn't exactly a sign preventing her from entering.
Lukas fiddled with his fingers, his foot anxiously tapping against the dense floor.
Jesse remembered the times when she was happy. The good ol' days as she would often call it.
Why couldn't she be happy now? She had heard the saying make yourself happy, but that felt...impossible. She knew she had overcome the impossible before, but...this just felt way out of reach.
She wondered if she'd ever be happy again. She highly doubted it. After all she hadn't smiled in ages.
Well...at least
what seemed like ages.
"Lukas." Jesse whispered, her gaze still to the ceiling. Lukas turned and faced her. "Yes," He muttered quietly, his oceanic eyes gleaming with distress.
"...Do you ever think I'll be happy again?" She asked him quietly, her eyes now fixed on him.
He quickly glanced away from her, his hands in his lap. He thought for a moment, "I don't see why not," Lukas' azure eyes met Jesse's. "And if anyone deserves to be happy it's you." Lukas answered sincerely.
Jesse's eyebrow rose slightly, "Y'know Petra would tell you to cut it out with all this sappy stuff." She muttered, gazing at her feet for just a moment.
"I bet she would," He said plainly, stifling a small chuckle.
Silence hung in the air once more and a cool gust of wind blew, ruffling the light blue curtains.
Freezing air blew over Jesse and it felt good as it cooled down her feverish body.
Parrots chirped in the crisp night and Jesse felt short of breath again.
Taking in all the air she could, she took deep breaths. Or at least tried to.
"Hey, are you okay Jesse?" Lukas asked noticing her trembling fingers.
Jesse took a long deep breath of oxygen, air steadily flowing through her dry lungs again.
"Yeah... I'm fine." Jesse mumbled, beginning to sit up.
After a few moments of silence Jesse spoke up. "...Can we go for a walk?"
"...Are you sure? Y'know with you being sick and all."
"I'll be alright," Jesse said. "Oh... and I was wondering when exactly did I get this gauze put on my arm?" She asked, her voice raspy and strained.
"Uh...well you see..."
°°°
Jesse couldn't believe.
Never mind she could. She had always thought of cutting herself, but she could never bring herself to actually do it.
All the other times she got drunk she never cut herself though. Guess the intoxication revealed something about her suicidal side.
But then again being drunk doesn't really show who you are or what you truly feel.
You never know though...
Jesse and Lukas were walking side by side, arms occasionally brushing against the other.
Jesse felt her heart ache and she couldn't figure out why she was suddenly feeling so heavyhearted again. Maybe it was because she realized something.
Or maybe it was because she was getting worse with each passing second.
Or maybe it was because she had made her best friend so sad.
Who was she to make him so sullen? Jesse felt a pang of guilt sting her side. Ever since he had came back Jesse had pushed him away, made him sad, and just did, so many other things wrong.
Jesse couldn't help, but feel like she was a mistake. Maybe that was why she felt so out of place.
Jesse felt lost. Why was she so deep in the ocean? Why were these chains of distress constantly bounding her?
Jesse grit her teeth in frustration and Lukas eyed her anxiously.
"Jesse you seem...lost."
His words echoed in her mind. You seem lost replaying over and over again.
"Maybe...that's because I am.," She whispered.
Her gaze turned to the beaming stars and she bit her bottom lip.
Memories plagued Jesse's mind and she blinked back tears.
Her heart ached heavily with agony. Why aren't you guys here? Why did you all have to leave?
Jesse continued to think to herself and Lukas tried his best to keep himself together.
He was watching Jesse fall apart and he could genuinely say that it hurt to see her like this.
Everything hurt for Jesse at the moment. Physically. Emotionally. Even spiritually.
She questioned herself heavily, her eyebrow occasionally furrowing.
She sighed, exhaling quickly. What was the use of living with all this pain? She found it miraculous that she was even standing on her feet right now.
Jesse wiped her eyes with the back of her hand while blinking rapidly.
"Jesse what are you thinking about?" Lukas asked softly.
"I don't get it Lukas." Jesse replied, heaving her arms over her chest.
"You don't get what?" Lukas asked.
"How I'm I still alive?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"I don't get how I've been able to put up with this for so long."
"Well...your Jesse."
"Don't say it's because I'm strong..."
"I wasn't," Lukas says softly, turning to the side, gently squeezing Jesse's shoulder.
"Jesse your too thoughtful to suddenly let go. You wouldn't let go so easily. Your too selfless. You put others above yourself. And you think. You think before you do it. You think long and hard and when you do think of giving up. You always think of your friends. Always. I guess what I'm saying is that your too thoughtful to let go."
Jesse's chest tightened, her heart pounding heavily against her chest. Jesse felt like she was going to cry and her eyes were glossy with tears.
"Your gonna cry aren't you?" Lukas asked.
"No! No I'm....not," Jesse exclaimed. She felt like crying though, but she didn't.
"But Lukas what...what if I want to...die!" She exclaimed suddenly. "What if I committed suicide would you even care Lukas?" She unexpectedly blurted out, a stray tear rolling down her cheek.
"Of course I'd care! What would ever make you question that?" He asked, anxiously fiddling with his fingers.
"I want to die Lukas! Everything's....everything's too much. Everything's my fault. I screw everything up. Everything I touch just dies! I'm responsible for so many deaths, for so many lives. Yet here I am! Still. Alive. I...just
...I can't...do this anymore," Jesse exclaimed, raking her fingers through her disheveled brunette hair.
Lukas took a deep breath and he felt his own chest tighten. He felt like breaking down. She wanted to die nd that was just...hurtful.
"Jesse I'll make a deal," He took another deep breath, "If you commit suicide then I'll commit suicide."
"You won't," Jesse almost instantly replied, shaking her head, "I know you won't."
"And how do you know that." I challenge.
"Because I know you wouldn't dare bring a knife to your throat."
As soon as she said that, Lukas unsheathed his iron sword and brought it close to his neck. Jesse stood frozen, her body stiffening.
Jesse gulped, "But...I know you still won't."
"How will you know. You'll be died." Lukas replied, lowering the blade slightly.
"You won't."
"Jesse I will and your extremely precious. And why kill yourself over something that can be solved? Sure maybe at that moment it feels like it can't be, but it always comes to pass doesn't it? It's just a season after all, right?"
Jesse's chest tightened even more and she sniffed, fighting back the river of tears that threatened to spill.
Lukas pulled her into a protective hug and this heavy weight in his chest that he couldn't quite explain and maybe it was because of the deal he had just made with Jesse.
---
I accidentally published this chapter yesterday....whoops...
😓
Anyways!
What did you guys think about Lukas' deal?
And do you think Jesse took it serouisly?
Any thoughts or theories about this chapter or the upcoming chapters?
Well...I don't have much to say as usual, so I'll see you another day, but with another chapter.