Landgraaf Netherlands, Pink Pop Festival June 8 1992
Later on that afternoon we were able to make it to the festival grounds at Pink Pop. The sky had grown considerable more grey as the afternoon approached and it was now just slightly misting, but not quite raining. Matt and Ben had already gone over stuff with the crew which helped me out tremendously, easing a bit of the stress. They all keep telling me to relax but I can't help that I feel the need to do everything for them myself. Thank God there isn't anything else planned today so I leave the planner and schedule in my bunk, then Chris, Kim and I all pile off the tour bus. Kim leaves to go find Matt and Ben while Chris takes my hand and we head over to the backstage area. With my hand in his, our fingers laced together holding one another like we usually do, he pulls me close and places a kiss on the back of my hand, then places a kiss on my temple. He scent is so intoxicating every time, causing little butterfly feelings in my stomach. Even after all this time, he still does that to me.
"Chris! Fuck man good to see you! I didn't know you guys were playing here today," Jeff calls as we approach one of the trailers behind the stage. He was standing just outside the door of the trailer, drink in hand, the biggest excited smile spreading across his face.
"I could say the same about you," Chris smiles as they shake hands and hug each other. I always find it so adorable how they always do that when they see each other.
"Shit, it's been a while hasn't it?" Jeff says tapping Chris playfully on his chest.
"Yea... fuck it has...like, what almost a year now?" Chris exhales, flipping his dark curls out of his eyes, thinking about all the time that has passed.
"Yea man... we've been so busy... you guys touring... we're touring..." Jeff trails off.
"Andi sweetie... how are you?" Jeff says as he turns to me and leans down to give me a hug.
"Hey... I'm good," I say as Jeff squeezes me.
"Fuck... I can't believe you guys got married... well I mean I can, but holy shit... I'm so happy for you guys," Jeff says when he pulls away from me.
"Awe... thank you," I say shyly.
"Well fuck... come up in the trailer... have a few drinks?" Jeff gestures for us to follow and we head inside the trailer.
"Sure man," Chris smiles and takes my hand to lead me into the trailer with him.
The trailer was just like all the others on this tour, a long corridor basically with a few chairs and a ton of coolers that housed all the alcoholic drinks you can think of. Stone and Mike were sitting at one of the fold out tables, Mike playing away on his acoustic guitar as Stone poured a shot of whiskey and downed it quickly. Stone immediately saw Chris first and a huge smile plastered across his face as he stood up and called Chris over while I shyly stand by the door, to give him the biggest hug. It really had been too long. As Chris lets go of my hand, my eyes suddenly land on Eddie who sat at the opposite end of the table taking a sip of his beer. After Stone and Chris finished greeting each other, Eddie stood up as Chris moved over to him and like usual, they embraced each other.
"Shit, it's been a while huh?" Chris says to Eddie as they break away from each other.
"Yea... yea it has... you see all those people out there? Holy shit man, it's unreal," Eddie says, astonished at the fact that Pearl Jam has become so big so fast. Chris laughs a little and pats him on the arm. They catch up with each other for a few moments, then Eddie's eyes suddenly land on me and he gives me a smile. He moves around behind Chris as Chris sits down at the table beside Mike, and walks over to me leaving Chris and Mike to catch up with each other.
"Hi, Andi..." He says as he leans in and gives me the biggest hug he could muster.
"Hey," I say quietly as he holds me tightly.
"It's been so long," Eddie says still holding me.
"Yea..." I say and he pulls away from me.
"So... married huh?" Eddie smiles at me, pushing his curls behind his ear, his blue eyes looking at me and then glancing down at the ring on my finger.
"Yea..." I exhale and smile as I look down at my finger.
"You know this means you can never get rid of him, even if you tried," He smirks and glances up at me.
"Trust me, I'm quite alright being stuck with him..." I giggle and Eddie laughs with me. As we stand with each other and catch up a little more, I realized just how much I missed his friendship. I know it's just because we've all been so busy but, I miss just hanging out with him and getting food at Murphy's Pub back in Seattle. I wish I had just told Chris what happened and then I wouldn't feel like it's this secret. Ugh, why was I so stupid and confused back then.
"Did you ever tell him...? About... you know," Eddie asks as he looks at me after a little while.
"No... but I feel like I should... but I'm afraid to," I say as I look down at myself.
"I think maybe I should tell him... it was my fault anyways, I'm the one who... you know," Eddie says looking away from me and then back to catch my eyes again.
"I don't want to hurt him..." I say.
"I know..." He exhales and pushes his curls behind his ear again.
"I hate how it eats at me though... I feel like I'm lying," I say looking back down at myself.
"Andi... it was so long ago... it was just a kiss...-"
I look up and see Chris standing right beside Eddie, us both not even noticing that Chris had walked up right in the middle of our conversation. Chris's expression falls, his eyebrows slightly furrow, hearing what Eddie was saying to me.
Oh Shit.
"Chris... I-" I start but the look on his face cuts me off and he walks passed me, his curls swaying with his movements, his footsteps heavy against the trailer stairs as he runs down them leaving me there with Eddie.
"Shit," I say to myself and walk out after him leaving Eddie running his hands though his hair.
"Chris!" I call to him as he heads towards the bus. He doesn't answer and he continues to walk away from me. I attempt to follow him but his stride is much quicker given the fact he is so much taller than me. My stomach is instantly turning, feeling like I'm about to throw up. I was going to tell him, but not like this.
•••
"Chris... hey what the-?"
"Have you seen my smokes? I can't fucking find them," Chris says cutting off Ben as he storms to the back of the bus.
"No, I haven't man, you can have one of mine," Ben calls to the back of the bus. Chris fumbles around in the back bunk ripping apart his sleeping compartment angrily.
"Fuck!" Chris exclaims and walks back up to the front where Ben was.
"Hey man, here..." Ben says holding out a cigarette for Chris to take. Chris immediately brings it to his lips and flicks the lighter, inhales, squinting his eyes from the smoke.
"You alright man?" Ben asks confused at why Chris is acting so angered.
"Yea... what time do we go on?"
"In Like 15 minutes. I was just about to head over... to... the... stage..." Ben trails off as Chris immediately runs down off the bus leaving Ben there by himself.
"Ok, then..." Ben says to himself completely confused and slowly heads off the bus towards the stage.
•••
I didn't know what to do. All I know is that I need to explain myself to Chris. I walk over to the backstage area, knowing that they have to go on soon and I see Kim talking to his guitar tech.
"Kim... have you seen Chris?" I ask a little desperately.
"Hey Andi... uh no, not yet... why?" He says as he turns to me.
"I need to uh... I need to talk to him..." I say looking around and looking behind myself to see if he had walked up here yet.
"I thought he was with you?" Kim says as he straps his Gibson Firebird on.
"He was... but uh..." I trail off trying desperately not to have a breakdown in front of Kim. He looks at me and notices my frantic expression.
"What happened?" Kim asks concerned.
"He uh... he-"
"Hey man," I was cut off by the sound of Chris's voice suddenly appearing behind me. How the fuck is he so quiet? I swear to fuck, his footsteps are heard every other fucking time but now.
"Hey," Kim nods and heads up to the stage as I turn and look up at Chris.
"Hey," I exhale and give him a half smile but Chris's expression stays cold. Steve comes over and hands him his Cherry Burst Gibson and Chris slings the guitar over his shoulder, adjusting his guitar strap and flipping his hair out of the way. My expression falls a bit as he continues to avoid my gaze.
"Chris..." I say quietly moving a little closer to him to try to get him to look at me. He still says nothing and walks away from me, quickly trotting up the stairs to the stage. My heart drops and I try as hard as I can to hold myself back from falling apart. I fucked up. I fucked up so God damn bad.
•••
After the performance, Chris had to do a small little interview with one of the reporters for the Pink Pop Festival. While he was doing the interview, Pearl Jam was about to take the stage as their set was next. I figure maybe it would be better if I meet Chris on the bus to at least try to talk, but I definitely did not want to be around any one any longer at this point. On my way back to the bus, I see Eddie walking towards me with Jeff, Stone, Mike and Dave walking behind him. I didn't want Eddie to see me upset so as much as I tried to avoid his gaze, he ended up still getting my attention.
"Andi... hey," Eddie says as he walks up to me. He looks at me and sees me clearly upset, but I try to just walk around him.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Eddie looks at me concerned as he catches my hand to try to pull me back to face him, while Mike, Stone, Jeff and Dave all head to the stage.
"I... I just need to go... I don't want to talk about it," I say avoiding his gaze and trying to move passed him but he won't let go of my hand.
"Andi...?" Eddie furrows his brow at me.
"I just need to go," I say sternly as I look up into his eyes. I didn't mean for it to come out that way but I'm upset that I made Chris so upset. Eddie's expression drops and he slowly lets go of my hand. I turn and make my way to the bus while Eddie watches me for a few moments, then heads towards the stage.
•••
As I head towards the bus, I see Kim coming out of one of the trailers, beer in hand, where some of the other guys were having a drink afterwords.
"Andi... hey, come have a drink, Chris should be in here soon," He smiles at me and takes a sip of his beer.
"Uh... no I'm just gonna head to the bus for a little bit... I'm kinda sleepy," I say nonchalantly hoping Kim doesn't ask me why.
"Ok... are you ok?" Kim looks at me concerned as I try to keep walking to the bus.
"Yea... I'm fine... I just want to take a nap," I say as I turn back to face him and walk backwards a little heading to the bus still.
"Ok..." Kim says still not shaking the concerned look from his face as I turn back and continue on my way to the bus.
I reach the bus and head up inside. Thank God no one else was on here so I could just be alone and wait for Chris when he came up here. I head straight to the back room and softly close the divider. I lay myself down on the couch as I pull the throw blanket up over me. I lay there with my eyes wide open and just wonder how the fuck I got myself into this. I feel horrible. I wish Chris would've just said something, anything, even yelled at me instead of storming away and giving me the silent treatment.
•••
Hours later I wake up in the bus, still in the back room but now it was completely dark outside. I don't even remember falling asleep at all and it was strange to wake up back here by myself. I could still hear some music still going on from the stage. Everyone must still be back in the trailer having drinks I guess. It feels strange to be on this bus by myself and its weird how no one has come up here this whole time. I mean I'm not expecting anyone to check on me, it's just... I don't know... weird.
I move the blanket off me and slowly sit up while I try to find the tiny lamp that was back here to turn it on. I manage to find the switch and squint my eyes from the burning as the light fills the room. I rub my eyes to focus when I suddenly hear someone coming up the steps to the bus. The heavy footsteps make their way to the back of the bus and then head into the bathroom that was just outside the divider. I sit there for a few moments and hear coughing and then a loud burp which made me smirk a little.
"Andi...! Are you up here...?!" Chris's voice booms from the bathroom which startles me a little.
"Yea...?" I call out groggily, my sleepy voice very apparent.
The divider opens with Chris leaning very drunkenly against the frame, his dark curls slightly damp from the misty rain.
"Why the fuck are you up here?" He asks only slightly slurring.
"I was waiting for you but..."I trail off.
"You should be with me down there... having drinks with the guys," He says still leaning against the frame.
"Well... I thought I would just come up here to wait for you so I could talk..." I say as I rub the sleep from my eyes.
"Oh, so you want to talk... well what the fuck do you want to talk about...?" He says in a sarcastic drunken tone. I stop rubbing my eyes and look up at him still leaning against the divider frame, his blue eyes as cold as ice as he looks at me, his jawline stiff, his lips pressed together in a line.
"Should we talk about how you've been lying since last year or the fact that you cheated with my best friend," He says angered and slurred his face cold and hard.
"Chris I didn't cheat..." I say timidly.
"No, of course you didn't... you just happened to meet Eddie without ever telling me about it and went on as if you had just met for the first time, when I introduced you to him. And then while you were meeting up with each other... also behind my back... you end up kissing him behind my back. You know, I think that's cheating if you ask me,"
Chris moves from the divider frame, his expression still so cold and angry as he slurs his words.
"Chris... will you let me explain?" I say as tears start to fill my eyes.
"Do you fucking know how much this hurts...? Do you have any fucking clue after everything I've ever done for you!?" He begins to raise his voice as he steps towards me.
"Chris please... just let me please explain it... we weren't together when it happened.." I start to cry.
"I can't fucking believe I fucking fell for this again... do you really think I believe that? and what do you mean we weren't together? We've always been together," He says angrily as he stands in front of me.
"It was right after my mom decided to stop treatment and... I was so confused and stupid and fucked up and I didn't know how to take it..." I cry.
"We were still together... weren't we? I always thought we were still together and that you just needed time to yourself, But I fucking fought to have you, to get you to see that I love you and I was there for you... but you apparently had other plans..." Chris pounds his chest emphasizing his feelings of hurt and pain.
"No I didn't have other plans... I was stupid and confused... I didn't know what to think or how to feel and -"
"So lying to me for all this time that you started seeing Eddie is the answer?" Chris says, his expression still cold, his eyes piercing me like shards of ice.
"I... I didn't... I mean... I didn't mean to not tell you... I just... it was totally innocent. Nothing happened. Eddie kissed me. It's not his fault because I never told him about you so he had no idea... and we weren't 'seeing' each other we just became friends.... we hung out... it was nothing Chris,"
"If he kissed you, it wasn't just 'nothing' to him," Chris slurs angrily.
"He didn't know I was with you, cause I wasn't with you at the time ... In my head, you and me were on a break," I look at him with tears streaming down my face.
"A break? We were on a break? Funny because usually when people take a break, both parties know they are on a break!" Chris yells and I flinch.
"Chris please...! I am so, so sorry..." I sob as I look up at him. This is not how I wanted this night to go at all.
"Yea well it's a little fucking late for that," Chris says flatly as I see the hurt all over his face. He turns to leave but I reach out for him.
"No please! Chris don't go..." I sob as I catch his hand, but he pulls away from me and heads towards the front of the bus.
"Chris No!" I beg as I get up from the couch and run after him.
"Andrea don't... just don't," He says as he turns back to me for a moment. He then turns back and heads off the bus leaving me there with my world falling apart.
•••
The whole ride back to the hotel was extremely awkward and heartbreaking. Chris and the guys stayed up at the front of the bus while I just stayed by myself in the back room. I had stopped crying a while ago and I was really good at making sure no one heard me. I have no idea if Kim, Matt or Ben even know what's going on but I hope they don't.
As I lay down on the couch I can hear everyone laughing and what sounded like they were drinking still. I didn't feel like drinking at all which is weird for me, but I'm actually just to upset to drink. I hate this so much. I hate that I hurt him. I hate that we're fighting. I wish I could just go back in time and tell him then everything that I was going through and everything I was feeling.
When we arrive at the hotel, Kim Matt and Ben all head off the bus first and I hear a knock on the divider door.
"Yea?" I say groggily.
"You coming?" Chris says flatly through the divider.
"Yea," I say my voice still raspy from crying. I get up from the couch and open the divider to see him standing there, his blue eyes looking at me, slightly drunkenly but solemn at the same time. All I wanted was for him to hold me but I know he's still angry with me. He turns and makes his way to the front of the bus as I slowly follow him.
We get to the room and Matt Kim and Ben take the one side while Chris and I take the other side. I had definitely had enough of today. I decide to take off my clothes and crawl into the small bed while Chris tries to let on he's not watching me.
"I'm uh... I'm gonna go into their room and have a few more drinks... hang out for a little bit more," Chris says as he sits down on the edge of the bed and starts to untie his Doc Marten's.
He doesn't want to come to bed with me? I don't think he's ever not come to bed with me before. A lump forms in my throat as I watch him untie his boot.
"Ok..." I say quietly, though I'm screaming inside 'don't go, stay and talk with me so we can figure this out'
He sets his boots by the bedside table and gets up to change into a pair of black 90 logo track pants and a white fitted tank top. I watch him as he undresses, his perfect curls falling down around his shoulders, the way his arms flex as he pulls his shirt down over his smooth chest. Fuck I want him so bad and I want him to tell me everything is ok. I don't want to fight anymore.
He flips his beautiful curls out of his face as he ties the drawstring to his pants.
"Chris..." I say quietly, pulling the covers up to my bare chest as I look up at him.
"Yea...?" He says not looking at me as he takes his necklaces off and sets them on the table beside the bed.
"I love you," I say feeling the tears well up and a lump forming in my throat.
Please say it back... just please say it back.
"Me too," He says still not looking at me. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and I swear I felt like I was going to throw up. He leans over me for a moment and places a quick kiss on my forehead. I wanted to reach up and pull him back down to me but instead I just lay there and watch him walk out of the room.