I will remember how you kissed me,
Under the lamppost back on sixth street,
Hearing you whisper through the phone.
Wait for me to come home.
-----
My entre body begins to shake and the journal slips from my hands.
No, this can't be real. It's another nightmare, right?
"What is it?" Elise asks.
I can't talk. I find it hard to breathe. Here, in my hands, rests an in depth account of Luke's thoughts and feelings.
As I stare at it, another thought dawns on me.
Who sent it?
Emma? Perhaps. I haven't spoken to her to the night of the party.
I flip the package over and search for a return address.
It's scratched out.
Thinking of Luke has opened, shut, written in and touched this journal thousands of times makes me tremble and I hold back tears.
I feel my mother's and Elise's eye on me and the temperature in the room seems to rise rapidly.
This is too soon. Even though it's been five months, this is too soon for me and I'm not emotionally ready to read Luke's thoughts if he isn't even living.
I hastily set the book back on the table in the foyer, taking a few steps back.
"I-I need air," I stammer and turn to walk out.
I race down the stairs and out into the night, taking long, deep breaths. My vision is blurred and my chest feels like it's collapsing on itself. I haven't felt like this since the night of the party, and honestly, it's the worst feeling I've ever felt.
I fish for my keys and unlock my car. I need to drive, to clear my mind. I've done this many times when missing Luke got particularly bad, and it's helped a bit in the past.
"Alaska, wait."
I turn my head and face Elise as she runs out of the building behind me. She walks over to me, holding out the journal.
"Look, I don't know what this is or who it's from, but I think you need to take it."
I bite my lip, looking from Elise to the journal and back. She raises her eyebrows at me.
Finally, I hesitantly reach out and take the journal, getting into my car and tossing it on the passenger seat.
I drive down the busy streets of Perth, focusing my mind on the traffic.
A large part of me wants to read the journal; to memorize every word on every page. But I know my emotional and mental state is so fragile right now, and reading it could sent the carefully constructed walls surrounding my heart crashing down.
I venture out of the city, finding myself on the highway. It reminds me of driving on the highway to Sydney; Luke slumped in the passenger seat next to me, complaining about the songs on the radio.
"You idiot," I say out loud to myself. "All highways look the same."
Great, now I'm talking to myself.
"Alaska, you seem glum."
I look over and see Luke sitting in the passenger seat, feet resting on the dashboard.He wears his red plaid shirt and black jeans, black converses on his feet. He chews on a wad of bright green gum, his pink lips turned up in the smirk I missed so much.
"Of course I'm glum, you left me."
"I didn't leave you, Allie. I've been right here the whole time."
I shake my head, pulling over onto the shoulder of the highway.
Now I'm appasrently getting nightmares while I'm awake, too. What do you call that? A day-mare?
I'm losing my mind.
I try to steady my breathing, staring out at the dark road.
My eyes slowly move to the tattered brown journal in the seat next to me.
No matter how much I think over i.t, the journal was sent to me. This isn't a coincidence, I was intended t recieve this.
I carefully pick up the book, setting it in my lap. I un my fingers over the worn leather. Small stars are etched into the bottom corner, and If lost, please return to Luke Hemmings at the top.
So many questions pop into my head, and I haven't even opened it yet.
If Luke was so defensive about letting me read this before, why was it sent to me? He is dead, so who is sending me his belongings? Did Isabel want me to have it? Or Emma?
I shut my mind off and open the journal.
The first letter I have already read. I feel a pang of guilt for being so nosy before, but I continue reading anyway.
The first few pages consist of more letters to his mother. The years increase as I flip through, drinking in every word.
I pause when I reach a certain letter.
8 September 2013
Mum--
Today someone moved into Isabel's old apartment, and as far as I know, she lives alone. I saw her moving boxes in earlier with Drew's nepher. I only assume they're together, although she must be insane for dating scum like him.
I went over about half an hour ago to just see for myself that someone is living there. Maybe I was a dick to her, but I don't care. If she's upset with me for talking to her like that, she can move the hell out.
I guess she has a nice name, anyway.
It's Alaska. Her name's Alaska.
I stop reading there.
This letter is from the day we met, the day we snapped at each other for the first time. Although I knew he hadn't liked me in the least at first, it's still a bit shocking to read Luke's bitter words towards me
I turn the page.
10 September 2013
Mum--
Alaska works with me. Not only with me, I feel compelled to add, but approximately six feet away from me. Every time I look at her, I just see Isabel. Not in looks, but in symbolism, perhaps. She lives exactly when Isabel used to, for Christs's sake.
If you were here you'd tell me to at least try to be nice, but I can't. I can't fina a single thing about her that doesn't remind me of something dark, and I hate that. But if that's how it is, then so be it.
15 September 2013
Mum--
Something's wrong with me.
Tyler didn't pick Alaska up from work today, so I offered her a ride. I don't know why, she just seemed so upset. We even played twenty questions, just like you and I used to. She's got a nice smile, I'll give her that. It's one of those smiles you just want to smile along with, you know? God, I sound like an idiot.
Long story short, we were waiting for the rain to let up and she was just right there and I almost kissed her.
It's not like we actually kissed or anything. She moved away and got all freaked out, getting out of the car. I'm sure she got soaked in the rain.
I'm stll here, the damn rain is still pouring buckets outside and I don't want to go out there and get wet.
Damn it.
18 September 2013
Mum--
I got stick in an elevator today.
With Alaska. I got stuck in an elevator with Alaska.
If I was to make a list of the world's words scenarios, being stuck in an elevator with Alaska Andrews would definately make the top ten. God, she's so annoying. But, I don't know, she seems like she actually gives a damn about me when I talk. And I don't know, maybe I give a damn about her too.
She followed me the other day when I went to go see Drew, Ash and Mike told me. Thry stopped her on the street earlier tonight, thinking she knows information about Blackwater Enterprises.
Did I put her in danger? She seemed so shaken up when I drove her home. Shit, I don't know why my mind won't shut the hell up, but I can't let anything happen to her. I won't let anything happen to her.
19 September 2013
Mum--
Things are changing. Alaska slept on my couch last night because she was spooked from being jumped by Michael and Ashton. It was like three in the morning, and I gave her the tea you used to make me. I don't know, something changed in me when I saw her so peaacefully asleep this morning.
Unfortunately, she's dating that dickhead Tyler, and he came by this morning looking for her. It's been hard to keep it a secret that I know exactly who he is, probably better than she does. Anyway, he saw her on the couch and went apeshit, and somehow she turned the argument around on him for always forgetting her. She's so feisty, when she wants to be. He left shortly after, and she seemed so upset. I didn't know what to do, really. I've never been good at consoling people.
"For the record, I think you had a few good shots in ther," I said. Who even says that? Me, that's who.
Tell me, Mum, how does it feel to have a complete idiot as a child?
It's so surreal for me to be reading this; learning Luke's thoughts. As I read on, I smile at events I hadn't even bothered to remember, and snippets of quotes one of us would say.
20 September 2013
Mum--
God damn it, I've made a huge mistake.
I went to play poker tonight, excepet Alaska came with me. Her bitch of a boyfriend forgot abot her again. The stupid thing is that I know where he was-- at a meeting with Drew. Asshole.
He called her in the middle of the game, and she took the call outside. She's holding onto him but I don't know why. He treats her like shit, and she could be with someone so much better.
We stood outside for a while, and the next thing I knew I was kissing her. Her skin was so soft and her hair smelled like strawberries. I don't know what came over me.
She ended up pushing me away, obviously because of Tyler. "I can't do this," she said. Do what? It's not like it meant anything to either of us. People kiss, so what?
I know if you were here you'd tell me to quite denying things. God, I wish you were here, Mum.
27 September 2013
Mum--
She followed me.
She fucking followed me. To a meeting at Ivory, no less.
I'm so mad, so fucking mad. But somehow I ended up telling her about Blackwater Enterprises. I might have just made a huge mistake, damn it I know I just made a huge mistake. In my defense, though, they did ransack her apartment, and I could practically see the curiosity boiling behind her eyes.
I'm just going to have to be really damn persuasive to make Drew let this go. She could be in danger now, and it would kill me to have it because of me. She's smart, thoigj, and I know after this she won't follow me again. She's learned her lesson.
The more she learns, the guiltier I feel about not telling her who Tyler really is. I should have told when I told her about the rest of Blackwater Enterprises, but it slipped my mind. All I know is that she can't be with Tyler much longer, or I'm going to explode.
1 October 2013
Mum--
So that's it, then.
Alaska and Tyler broke up.
I'll spare you the details, because unfortunately I was there to witness the whole thing. In a nutshell, Tyler ended up hitting her across the face right in front of me, and I nearly lost my shit. He's such a dick, he'd be lucky to be good enough for somebody like Alaska. Anyone would be lucky to be good enough for someone like Alaska.
She's got this fear of being alone, and I think she finally realized it today. I had seen it in her before, but she was too stubborn to admit it to herself. I think she's really upset about it. She seemed glum when I made her tea after Tyler left.
It's taken me a while, but memories of Isabel are starting to fade from her. She's almost like this breath of fresh air in my life, this new thing that's confusing me but not annoying me much anymore. I don't think much about Isabel when I'm around her anymore. And I'm so glad for that.
17 October 2013
Mum--
So Alaska went home to Perth for the weekend. She's got some odd past with her sister I think, and she was a bit worried about seeing her. I hope all goes well between them.
I need to converse with Drew to make sure he leaves Alaska alone. True, she knows about Blackwater Enterprises, but she has virtually no part or impact on it, and I need to make sure Drew knows that. I don't want her in danger anymore.
Shit, my phone's ringing. Who's calling me at this ungodly hour?
I pause reading, a smile crossing my face. It was me calling him, after my parents told me they were getting a divorce. It's such a meaningless memory, but he seemed to capture it perfectly.
I read on, watching as Luke's views on me change. It's amazing, really, to see how he once hated me, and now he writes of me as a friend.
28 November 2013
Mum--
Emma called me today. I was so shaken up by it, you wouldn't believe it. How did she find my number? I've done my best to cover up my tracks.
Somehow, I found myself dialing Alaska's number. We haven't exactly been speaking since the whole ordeal with Drew when she told me she had feelings for me and I let her walk away.
She picked up, though. I honestly thought she wouldn't. But she did, and she met me by the river, seemingly worried.
I told her everything. About you, about Dad, about Emma, about me. Everything.
I just felt like she should know, because she listens, and that's a trait I can't seem to get enough of. I could make a speech about why green gummy bears are better than orange ones and she'd still fucking listen.
She knows I don't believe in love, I told her that. But you can still feel love without believing in it, can't you?
6 December 2014
Mum--
I've made a huge fucking mistake.
Today Alaska told me she loves me, Mum. She loves me, just like Isabel didn't. And you know what I said? I didn't even say anything, really, I just laughed. Just like Isabel did to me, I laughed. What the fucking hell is wrong with me
I most likely just ruined my last chance at being happy with someone. I should of gone after her, I should have said something. I'm so stubborn, and I'm too proud to tell her how I really feel.
She probably won't talk to me, now. I don't blame her. I'm such a dick.
12 December 2013
Mum--
Today was Alaska's birthday. She's twenty one. I don't think she even remembered, because when I wished her a happy birthday this morning, she looked so surprised. She smiled really big, though, so I guess that's a good sign.
I baked her a red velvet cake with your old recipe. It's her favourite flavour of cake, too. God figure, right?
I feel like I ruined her birthday, though. I just got back from her place maybe an hour ago. I got her a box of pens, shit. Why did I buy her that? I should of gotten her something nicer, like earrings or something. Girls like earrings, right?
I asked her if she wanted me to stay, and she said no. I should have known. I was such a douche when she told me she loved me, I really shouldn't be surprised that she doesn't want to be around me.
The truth is, we haven't talked properly in almost two weeks, and it's taking a toll on me. She was such a good friend to me. I think she was my favourite friend I had. Does that make sense? A favourite friend?
I guess that I just don't
I furrow my brow when the entry ends in the middle of a sentence. Then I remember I had come to his apartment, and he had been writing in the journal when I stepped into his room. How I wish I could tell him again that he didn't ruin my birthday, not in the least. I wish I could tell him alot of things.
14 December 2013
Mum--
Today was an eventful day.
I've mentioned before that some of us at Blackwater are forming a rebellion against Drew. I'm not doing it for me anymore, I'm doing it for Alaska.
Which brings me back to the events of the day.
Drew sent us all a threatning text earlier, and Alaska got really scared. She started packing a bag and said she was going back to Perth. For good.
I freaked the fuck out. I had all the words I should say just on the tip of my tongue, but she was moving so fast I could barely comprehend what was happening.
I told she couldn't leave because my life would be boring without her, but she used my own words against me. "How can you say that, and tell me I'm nothing?" She asked.
I was panicking at that point. I knew that the only way to make her stay was to tell her, so I finally grew a pair and said it.
I told Alaska that I love her, Mum. I'll admit, for a minute she was just silent and I thought her feeling might have changed. But they didn't. She loves me, Mum. And I love her.
I've never felt so happy, not since you were alive. I wish you could meet her, Mum. You'd have alot in common with her, I know it.
I just hope things don't go wrong.
I put my head in my hands, wiping my tears away. These are Luke's feelings, this is the way into his mind that I've wanted practically since the day I met him. My chest aches at his beautifully written words. It hurts to know I'll never talk to him about this, to tell him how beautiful the letters in this journal are.
With an aching soul, I turn the page.
My eyes widen at the words and my heart thumps even faster.
19 December
Alaska--
This is odd for me, to be writing to someone other than my mother. I don't know, maybe because the big party is tomorrow, or because this may be the last night we spend together.
It's two a.m., and you're asleep. You look so calm and peaceful. God, you're so beautiful.
The truth is, I know exactly what's going to happen tomorrow. I know we're not going to get out of this unscathed, but you'll get through it. You'll go back to Perth, you'll be okay. Maybe I won't, but it's not about me anymore.
I know if you ever fount this out, you'd hate me. You'd want it to be both of us or neither of us, and trust me, I want it to be like that too. But I promised I'd keep you safe, and by letting you go, this is me keeping that promise.
You need to know that you've made me so happy, so unbelievably happy. You looked at me, someone who thought poorly about the entire idea of love, and you changed me so greatly I can barely comprehend it myself. I've never laughed as much as I have with you, Alaska.
I love you, Allie, I love you so much. Always remember that, because it will always be true.
Forever yours,
--Luke
I throw the book into the passenger sear, putting my head in my hands. I can't believe this, I refuse to believe this.
Luke knew, he knew all along that we'd be torn apart. And he never told me.
"Fuck!" I yell, hitting my steering wheel in frustration. "You're such an idiot, Luke!"
I shake my head, shutting my eyes to try and stop to tears from rolling onto my cheeks. This is all too much for me.
I can't bear to think Luke is truly dead. The thought makes my stomach churn and I lean my head back against the headrest of my seat.
"Luke, you can't be dead. You can't be dead, you can't be dead. You just can't."
Cars whiz to and fro on the highway next to me.
It's been five months. If Luke was alive, he would have contacted me by now.
"Give me some sort of sign, at least," I whisper. "Just give me a sign that you're alive or dead."
Suddenly, my phone buzzes, making me jump.
"Hello?" I ask as I pick it up.
"Alaska, something fell out of that book."
I sit up in my seat at Elise's words. "What?"
"It's a folded piece of paper or something, it's got words all over it. Wait, it's more like three pieces of paper. No, there's more-- God, is it an entire novel? Jesus Christ!"
"I'm on my way," I say as I hang up my phone, not even awaiting an answer.