She gets quiet sometimes
and I can feel that a certain weight
has got her by the heart. And it is
in those times that I want her to speak the most.
But I know she can't.
Because sometimes things get grisly inside.
They get messy and she has to cleanse all that.
And the last thing she wants is to dirty me with it.
I know all that, in my mind.
I know it but it doesn't make it any easier to watch.
-JmStorm
_______________________________________________________________________
Maaz :
My eyes are barely on the road, they keep straying to Zara. She sits rigidly in her seat, her hands tightly wound. She stares straight ahead with glistened eyes. She is as still as a statue.
I drive in silence as I know there wouldn't be right words to compensate. Lisa's adoption was a shock to me and I came to know her only recently. Zara must be experiencing it thousand times worse.
She leaves the car as soon as we stop.
'I am going to take a nap.' She tells me. I take a step towards her.
'Don't.' She holds up a hand, her voice is pleading.
I watch her retreat to the room.
I sit on the couch in a pensive mood. How happy she was this morning and in a few hours how drastic things have become. I admire her resilience, her silent strength as she plows on with everything thrown at her. Numair, her baby, Anna, and now Lisa, people she loved and lost.
A knock on the door rouses me. Ira peeks in from the door separating our houses.
'Can I come in?'
'Sure, why are you asking?' I smile at her.
'I wanted to check how far you guys are done. There's one week left.' She settles down near me.
'We are finished. Everyone has been given their invites.' I tell her with a sigh.
'Is there a problem?' She asks, her eyebrows knitting together.
'No, everything is fine.' I lie.
'You know I'm just a knock away?' She tells me, turning to face me. I look into my sister's worried eyes, urging me to tell her, so I tell her about Lisa, Smile, Zara and how I got involved in it.
Once I am finished, I lay my head on her shoulder, she slumps down to give me more space.
'There's just so much. Sometimes when I think about it I don't know where to start or where to go.' I tell her.
'I know that you will figure it out.' She assures me, patting my cheek. I lay with my eyes closed, comforted by her presence.
I do not tell her that there is more and that she is wrong. I am clueless with very little progress. The weight and guilt of keeping things to myself sag me. And every day I want to share this with the one person who deserves to know, Zara. But each day I find excuses to not confide in her. Years later she's back in my life, she has slowly begun to let me in then how do I tell her things which would only drive her away?
'Is being selfish okay if it's out of love?' I ask my sister.
'You've grown up so fast.' She tells me with a sigh. 'Making decisions as grown-ups aren't black or white. Being selfish to protect someone you love isn't right. It is always better to be honest.'
'It is difficult to be honest.' I admit.
'The truth is bitter but it is the truth. If they truly love you, they wouldn't leave you for the truth. They would appreciate you for being honest.' She quotes ma. My head jerks up as I recognize her words.
I have to look away so that Ira doesn't see my eyes and read the pain in them.
'I wish she was here. It would have been easier.' I exhale slowly.
'She'd be proud to see the person that you are today.' She says softly.
I fall asleep on the couch. When my eyes open it is dark outside. Ira has stuffed a pillow under me and a blanket over.
'Zara?' I call out hesitantly. There's no reply. I find a plate of lasagna left on the kitchen counter and a glass of water. She must have had dinner.
I check up on her, she is fast asleep, the covers snugly wrapped around her. After dinner, I open my laptop and decide to research a little about Smile. I study its official website, read about the founders, the sponsors. I search Amaro and check out his social accounts. I fail to find much save for a few pictures. I do the same with Aylin. I am a little more successful here. I discover she is dating Aydin. Considering their names I thought them to be siblings. I keep browsing for another hour when I hear a whimper from the room.
The laptop almost crashes to the ground as I stand to get to her.
'Dina, I'm here.' I don't know if she hears me. She is tangled in the covers, she kicks out, the covers slip down. Her long black hair covers her face. Her eyes are closed as she murmurs again.
I pull her to me. Cold seeps into my chest from her back. I wrap my arms around her, a cage to keep the demons out. A cage to keep my Dina safe.
'I am here love, I'm right here.'
She throws her hands out reaching for something that isn't there.
I entwine my fingers with hers. Her soft hands are like clay in my hands, they tightly mold with mine.
I turn her to the side so that her cheek lies on my chest. Cupping her cheek, I wipe away the tears rolling down them.
'Shhh... I'm here. You are okay.' I murmur. I pull up the covers with my feet and lay it over us.
I run my fingers down her cheek. Then pull her silky strands, now wet with tears, away from her face. My fingers weave through her hair straightening them. Her eyes are still half closed, her lips quiver and I want to press mine to them to make them still.
She looks agonizingly beautiful.
She shudders in my arms. My hold on her tightens, I pull her closer.
'Just breathe love.' My fingers continue their journey through the valleys of her hair. I pace my breaths. A slow breath in. A slow breath out.
She stirs on my chest. Her ear is in line with my heart. I continue breathing slowly and my heart begins to beat at a steady rate forgoing its arrhythmic beat.
And ever so slightly I feel her relax.
I lay my head on top of hers. 'Sleep love.' I whisper as I clutch tightly to her.
She drifts away into unconsciousness. Gently I press my lips on top of her hair. 'I've got you. You are mine. No one can hurt you.' I confess to her sleeping form.
How do I tell her the truth when she is already broken? My heart aches as misery takes over. Each day brings her a new challenge and I have to stop myself from confiding in her in fear of hurting her further. But this wasn't right and she deserved to know, I'll tell her once the party gets over I promise myself.
***
The room looks magnificent, a huge crystal chandelier in the middle glows with incandescent light. The curved stairway which brings down the guests to the hall is wound with emerald green silk. A cream carpet covers the white marble. Banquet tables have been set around the edges of the hall, draped with the same emerald green. White, flickering candles dipped in gold are placed at the center of each table. The pristine white chairs have been adorned with golden silk. Metallic gold, silver and dark green balloons are bunched and placed around the hall.
At one corner a table holds the cakes, one for dad and another for Zara's parents. It is yet to be uncovered.
Guests begin gliding down the stairs as time wears on. On the other hand, the hosts seem to have forgotten to arrive. Zara's parents stand at the foot of the staircase, beaming and greeting the guests. Dad mills around the hall, occasionally I hear his laugh boom across the hall.
Ziyan comes hurrying to me, he tugs nervously on his forest green tux, looks around to ensure no one is around, 'Where are our sisters?'
'Your sister not mine. My wife.' I correct him. He waves his hand agitatedly.
'Shouldn't they...' The rest of his sentence drowns as my eyes fasten on a petite, long figure floating down the staircase. She lifts a delicate arm and waves with a hesitant smile at her parents, conscious of other people's eyes on her. Her dark hair falls in soft curls, her eyes are downcast, red lips slightly parted, her cheeks like petals of a rose. She glows in her black dress like the moon in the night sky.
I want to embrace her and cage her in my arms forever. I yearn to lose myself in those doe like eyes, shining with happiness as she hugs her parents. I watch as she scans the hall after greeting my dad. Her eyes stop once they find me, a tentative half smile graces her lips.
I grab a glass from a passing waiter to wet my mouth. My tongue seems to be stuck inside. She begins to walk towards me, her thin eyebrows arch. She snaps her fingers before me, 'Have you seen the ghost?' She whispers.
'Ziyan has been trying to convince us this hotel is haunted. I don't believe him.' She continues. Up close I see that her eyelids are dusted with gold, and though she had a smile it didn't reveal her dimples. Gazing deep into her eyes I see the pain she is trying to hide. Her eyelids fall, covering her eyes, not allowing me to read beyond.
Still lost for words, I take her into my arms. She is startled and stumbles into me. She places one arm on my shoulder while I wrap both of mine around her tightly.
'Are you okay?' My mouth is close to her ear.
She pulls out of my embrace, except one or two guests no one has seemed to notice us. Her eyes remain on our feet.
'I have to be, for mama and dad.'
She pats my green tie, the same shade as the tips of her sleeves with a wistful smile, 'So Ira did pick this tie for you.'
I give her a small guilty smile.
'Where have you been?' Dad comes up from behind her.
'I'm sorry, Addy. I was stuck with Ira and Eliza, they didn't let me budge until I agreed to have this done to my face and hair.' She runs a hand over her hair, patting it in place.
'Where are they?' She scans the hall. Her eyes light up as she spots Kate and Tom standing off to the side hand in hand. She glides to them and kneels down before them taking their hand she walks them around the hall, introducing them to guests.
Aylin is busy herding the other kids to the buffet and helping them find places to sit. I haven't seen Aydin, perhaps he didn't come. Ira catches my eye, she nods us over, pointing at the cake.
'Dad, Ira wants us there. I think it's time to cut the cake.' I inform.
'I'll get dad.' Ziyan walks out.
Leila, my secretary approaches dad and wishes him. She greets me then gives Arhaan a stiff nod.
'Nice to see you too.' He mutters. I laugh at their mutual hatred. It was entertaining to watch during slow office hours. Dad saunters away to join Ira.
'Have you by any chance seen... uh, Eliza?' This question is from Arhaan and is whispered right inside my ear, as he leans into me.
'She's not here.' The expression of his face is comical. Leila alternates glances between two of us.
'Is she your date?' Leila questions.
'Date? The only thing I do with dates is eat them.' Arhaan responds with a grin.
'It's her parents' anniversary!' He turns back to me.
'Are you both coming or what?' Eliza interrupts me, popping up suddenly. Arhaan gives me a betrayed look.
Eliza ignores him, grabs me and leads me to the center. Our parents encircle the cakes, the audience is hushed as the lights dim and a spotlight turns on. We take our seats on the front table.
Dad takes the mic first, 'This year I truly feel accomplished and it is not because I'm more than half a century old. That's really old.' He says the last part to himself making the audience laugh.
'This year, I have regained my son. Ever since Eva passed away, I didn't just lose my wife, I also lost a part of my son and my daughter. Their smiles were only reflections of what they used to be. And as a single father there was guilt that somehow I had failed my kids. That I couldn't make them laugh as their mother had.' My muscles are locked, I swirl my drink, staring bleakly into the golden liquid.
'Ira found her happiness in Harry.' Dad smiles in Ira's direction. She raises her glass to him.
'Maaz was driven by passion, fueled by determination, he achieved success but not happiness. Zara becoming a part of our family was happiness coming to Maaz. Now I see my son smile, laugh and live. Finally, after years weight has been lifted off me. No longer I feel guilty. And this I owe to Zara. This was the best gift I could have got.' I lift my eyes to dad, he beams at me, happiness radiating from him.
'Zara, I have something for you.' Dad reaches into his back pocket to pull out a small black velvet box. Beside me, Zara sits stiffly staring off into the distance.
'Zara?' Dad motions her to join him.
I tap her, she looks up at me. Still looking into my eyes, she reaches for my hand and her slender fingers slide gracefully into mine.
'Addy, this is your party. You only receive gifts in this one.' Zara says as we both join dad.
'Think of it as a return gift then.'
He opens the box to reveal an emerald brooch nestled on the black silk.
'This was Eva's and before that, it belonged to her mother.' I remember the brooch from when ma had worn it. It was reserved for special occasions.
'She wanted this to be handed down to the woman who steals Maaz's heart. She would have been the happiest to know it is you. She loved you like her own.' Dad hands the box to Zara. Her eyes shine brightly with unshed emotion.
'Thank you, Addy for having faith in me.' She hugs him.
***
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Dream.