"All I'm saying is it's your turn now for the sleepover. So when will you invite us over?" Olivia asked.
Holding a sleepover at my place was the last thing I wanted. I shut my locker and turned to face my impatient friends. "How about this weekend," I sighed, trying to mask the lack of enthusiasm I was sure was written all over my face.
"Don't get too excited," Anna commented dryly. "And we can't this weekend. Angela's cousin birthday party, remember?"
"Next weekend then?"
"I'm free," Anna said.
"Yeah me too. We should check with the other girls before making any plans," Olivia suggested. She closed the distance between us, intruding my personal space and I subconsciously inched away. "So uhm, are your brothers gonna be there too?"
I refrained from rolling my eyes. Of course she would want to know.
"Which one? I got four of 'em," I stated flatly.
"Oh it doesn't matter I guess, I'm not picky," she started saying when Anna interrupted.
"Ashton. Definitely Ashton," she said with no shame.
I shot her a look. "Why? Asking for your mom and sister again?"
"Uh no, I believe that was Kylie's excuse. And everyone knows she has a crush on Jordan."
This time I did roll my eyes and picked up my bag. "I'll ask him tonight, I'll keep you girls posted."
Olivia rapidly clapped her hands, letting out an excited sound - she reminded me of a seal.
"Remind me why we're friends again?" I questioned.
Anna hooked her arm through mine. "Cause you make the best food in the world. And you're not afraid to get dirty. And we share the same taste of music."
"And you have hot brothers," Olivia laughed.
"Wow, thanks," I smiled.
We started walking to class when Anna suddenly stopped dead in her tracks. Her arm was still around mine which caused me to halt too.
"Is that Preston," she said slowly, "... with Angela?"
I looked straight ahead and swallowed thickly. Preston was leaning against Angela's locker, talking to her like they were best friends in the world. His arm was still in a cast and I almost gagged when I could clearly make out Angela's name and three X's written over Kenzie's masterpiece.
"I thought they had broken up?" Olivia said, equally confused.
Angela reached up on the tips of her toes and kissed his cheek. She said something to which he nodded before she bounded off in the opposite direction.
I untangled myself from Anna's arm and marched up to Preston. He caught my eye and something crossed his features in a flash of a second. It was too late for me to describe it.
"What in the world do you think you're doing?" I demanded.
"Someone's happy to see me back," he joked through that signature smirk of his. Oh how I hated that smirk.
I clenched my teeth. "Are you two back together?"
"Maybe," he said offhandedly.
"Maybe?" I scoffed in disbelief. "I thought you hated her, I thought you no longer wanted to be her lapdog? What happened to your speech about defying her and no longer letting her control us?"
He ran a quick hand thought his hair. "Listen Jade, just stay out of this okay?"
"Something's wrong, I know there is. You can talk to me, Preston. I'll listen, I promise."
"I doubt it. Why don't you just go back to your happy-go-lucky family and leave me the hell alone."
"Is that what you think?" I narrowed my eyes in anger. "You think my life's all rainbows and sunshine? You have no clue about what I've been through. For your information, I went through hell these past couple of days. Thanks for asking."
He smiled bitterly. "You don't know what hell's like."
That hurt.
He didn't know anything about my mother's drug addiction and poor decisions. He didn't know what she did to me, what she let other people do to me. He didn't know about my dad and those pictures. He didn't know what it was like growing up without your parents. And maybe by his standards I wasn't going through hell but what right did he have to decide that for me?
I slowly shook my head. "You're pathetic, Preston. To think I ever felt sorry for you. If you don't wanna talk, you could've just said so."
"I don't wanna talk," he stressed through gritted teeth.
I was taken aback by the sharp edge of his tone. "Where the hell is this coming from? Is it something I said? Did I do something wrong?"
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Jade, drop it."
"No, you're clearly pissed about something. Tell me."
His eyes darkened. "And why the hell should I tell you anything? Who are you to me anyway?"
"I thought we were friends - "
"Friends?" he chuckled like it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard. "We're not friends Jade. You have to know someone before you become friends. I don't know shit about you and you don't know shit about me and I'd appreciate it if we keep it that way."
I grew quiet, at a loss for words. His words stung but I wasn't about to admit it.
"I know you didn't fall off your skateboard."
He snorted and licked his lips. "Do me a favor and stop pretending like you care. I'm sick of people like you - "
"People like me?" I mimicked, not knowing if I should feel offended by that or not.
"Yeah people like you," he hissed and I almost took a step back by the flames ignited in his eyes. "How long have you known me? Since kindergarten? How many times have you seen me come to school with a broken arm or fractured shoulder? How many times have you seen me with a black eye or bruises on my body?"
Too many times, more than I care to admit.
"And how many times have you shown any kind of concern?"
Never.
"I'm sorry if I led you on, Jade, but we're not friends."
My throat closed up. "T-that's fine, we don't have to be. But I can still help - "
"That's what they all say. They feed you empty promises, they make you believe they have good intentions but at the end of the day it's all bullshit. I'm not getting my hopes up again so don't even bother."
I watched him shoulder his backpack and walk down the hallway. I felt the presence of Anna and Olivia on both my sides.
"What was that all about?" one of them asked.
I blinked back some tears but didn't say anything as we made our way to the classroom.
FADED
After school I found myself waiting at the police station. Jordan's shift had already ended but he had some things he had to finish before he could clock off.
I spun around in his chair, balancing a pencil between my upper lip and nose. How anyone could work in this crowded and loud place was a mystery to me. The desks seemed too small and littered with papers and folders. The smell of coffee was overpowering, and don't even get me started on the noise - people talking back and forth, phones keep ringing and occasionally you could detect a police siren going off.
I dug my foot into the floor to stop from spinning when I heard some commotion. I looked on as two police officers practically dragged in a young guy, barely eighteen, his hands cuffed behind his back. He had blood running from his nose, dripping onto his split lip. One of the cops asked him something but it was obvious he wasn't speaking. The other cop rolled his eyes and made him sit down on a chair, telling him to stay put while they went off.
The boy turned his head and looked straight at me. My eyes briefly widened and I quickly turned back around, facing away.
I caught Marcus walking towards me, carrying a Coke and a paper bag. I accepted the drink while he dropped the bag in my lap.
"Snatched some doughnuts from the staff room. I advise you to eat it before anyone else smells it."
"So it's true what they say huh? Cops really do love doughnuts?"
"Yup." He leaned against the desk and crossed his legs at the ankles. "It's how we eventually become one of those stereotypical fat, lazy, moustached obstructive bureaucrats."
"Looks like you're already halfway there," I teased.
He cocked an eyebrow at me. "Excuse me? I'll have you know, I can bench press 350 pounds. Don't make fun of my guns." He flexed his arm muscles for emphasis.
I was obviously kidding, this man looked like he could lift up a truck with his little finger. I would be terrified of him if it weren't for the fact that he was a teddy bear in disguise.
I perked up when I saw the two cops from earlier walking towards the boy. They both grabbed each arm and lifted him up from his chair, leading him away.
"What did he do?" I asked curiously.
"Drug possession, underage drinking, truancy and that's probably only the tip of the iceberg."
I picked at my doughnut, licking off the sweet frosting. "What's gonna happened to him?"
"He'll probably be taken into custody until his first hearing."
"Then what?"
"Depends on what the judge or jury will determine. My guess is juvie, the kid's gotten enough warnings already."
The boy reminded me of my own brother, Ashton. I had a sudden flashback to when he would 'disappear' for weeks, sometimes even months. It was only later that I found out why and where he really was.
I took a sip from my coke and looked up at Marcus.
He caught my eye and squinted. "What?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"What's your name?"
He frowned. "My name?"
"Your first name," I elaborated. "I just realized that I've known you for five years and I still call you by your last name."
"Are you kidding me?" he chuckled.
"First letter."
"Alright." He looked amused and crossed his arms over his chest. "S."
"Mhhmm," I hummed thoughtfully. "Is it Steve? Stephen? Stevie?"
"Nope."
"Stefan? No, Sebastian!"
He shook his head, his lips twitching.
"Silas? Scott? Seth? No wait you look more like a ... Simon."
"I do not look like a Simon," he sounded offended for some reason.
"What's wrong with Simon? Anyway, is it Sean? Shepard? Stanley? Saul? Salvatore?"
"Salvatore?" he chuckled. "You gonna have to try harder, hon."
"Second letter?"
"A."
I snapped my fingers. "Saul! No wait I already said that ... Sawyer!"
"No. Try again."
"Santiago?"
"Really? Sounds like some mob boss."
"You look like you could be in the mob," I said as a matter of fact. He shot me an unimpressed look and I shrugged sheepishly. "Well you kinda do."
"Try again."
I suddenly slammed my coke down. "Oh my god I got it! It's Sam isn't it?" He shook his head and I pouted. "Sammy? Samuel? Samantha?"
He laughed and kept shaking his head.
"What are you guys talking about?" Jordan asked as he joined us. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of his chair so he could sit.
"I'm trying to guess Marcus' name," I said, plopping back down on his lap, causing the chair to make a squeaky noise.
"Oh," was all my brother said. He put his glasses on, trying to work around me as he searched for something on his computer. "It's Sasha."
"Oh way to go Moore," Marcus groaned. "I was trynna get a bet out of this."
"Your name is Sasha?" I circled my arm around my brother's neck, leaning back against his chest while giving Marcus a once over. "No."
"No?" Marcus smirked.
"No," I confirmed. "Your mother was wrong, she should've named you ... Tom."
"Tom," Jordan snorted, humored as he kept typing away.
"You have the face of a Tom."
"What's that even supposed to mean?" Marcus asked incredulously. "For your information, I was actually named after my grandfather, Alexander J. Marcus."
"Why didn't they just call you Alexander instead? My mother didn't name my brother Jordan Sasha Moore."
I caught Jordan dipping his nose in my hair and I knew he was hiding a smile.
Marcus huffed. "Okay we making fun of names now? What's your middle name then, princess?"
I played with my brother's collar, smoothing down the wrinkles. "I don't have one."
"Yes you do," Jordan interjected and I pinched his arm.
"Ah-ha!" Marcus clapped his hands together. "Spit it out, Moore."
My brother opened his mouth and I quickly covered his lips with my hand. "Don't you dare."
Marcus looked smug. "You know I can easily dig up your file and find it."
"You do that, Sasha."
He pointed a warning finger at me while he walked to his own desk. "It's Police Officer Marcus to you, young lady."
I stuck my tongue out.
"Hey that's considered a misdemeanor. I can fine your for that," he told me.
I quickly clamped my lips shut and looked at my brother, dropping my hand from his mouth. "Is that true?" I whispered.
"He's just messing with you," he reassured me, sounding distracted as he focused on something on his screen. "I just need to send a few e-mails then we can go home."
"Okay." I rested my chin on his shoulder and started playing with his hair at the nape of his neck. "You need a haircut. Actually I need a haircut too."
"Yeah?"
"It's getting too long. It's such a hassle when I have to wash it. Those hairs end up everywhere, you don't even wanna know."
"Mhhhm."
"I'm thinking a few inches, right below my shoulders."
"Uhu."
"Or maybe I should shave it all off and go bald. No more knots, we can even save up on shampoo. Whatcha think?"
"Sounds great, baby."
I half-smiled, he was clearly somewhere else with his thoughts. I found myself drifting too, my memory recollected what had happened that morning with Preston. Something about it rubbed me the wrong way.
"Hey Jordan?"
"Yes, sweetheart."
"Can you do something for me?" I leaned back a little to get his full attention. I waited until he finished his e-mail before I spoke again. "You remember Preston right?"
"The guy that kissed you?"
Of course my brothers will never let that one go.
"Yes him. I - can you check up on him?"
"Why?"
I bit my lip. "I don't know, I just worry about him."
He put his glasses down. "What do you mean? Did something happen?"
"I hadn't seen him at school for almost two weeks and then the other day I suddenly bump into him at the mall. He had a cast on his arm. He told me he had an accident with his skateboard."
"Okay ... and you don't think that's what happened?"
I blew out a breath, sending strands of my hair flying in my face. "I don't know what really happened, but he was clearly lying about it."
"I'm gonna need more than that, Jade." He brushed my hair out of my eyes. "I can't just knock on their door without any motive."
"Jordan he's acting really off. I even saw fingerprints on his throat, like someone tried to strangle him." I dropped my gaze to my lap and picked at the skin around my nails. "It's not the first time something like this has happened. I just always thought he got into fights or something. He never did anything for me to suspect something else was going on."
Jordan sighed and rubbed a hand over his mouth. "Fine. I'll look into it. What's the kid's name?"
I smiled, relieved and thankful. "It's Preston O'Connor. I don't know where he lives but I do know he has two sisters, Peyton and Morgan. One of them has a little girl, Kenzie."
"What about his parents?"
"He didn't tell me much about them. He did mention once that they weren't home a lot because they work all the time."
Jordan scribbled the names down on some post-it note. "Alright. I'll see what I can do but don't get any high expectations."
I hugged him and kissed him hard on the cheek. "Thanks Jordy."
"It's Céline!" Marcus suddenly yelled making me jump. He walked back to our cubicle.
"Our mother was a huge fan of Céline Dion back in the days," Jordan explained.
Marcus looked disappointed. "Céline? Really? I expected something old like Bettina or Muriel or Fanny - "
"Or Sasha?" I giggled.
FADED
"Good morning!" Tristan grinned as he entered the kitchen the next day. "How are you good-looking people doing today?"
"You're in a good mood," Ashton remarked as he buttered his toast. "It's a wonder your dick's still attached to your balls."
"My dick's just fine, thanks for your concern brother." He stood behind my chair and forced my head back so he could kiss my forehead. "Hey, pretty girl. Where's Noah?"
"Football practice," Ashton said, licking some jam from his knife. I made a mental note to myself not to use that knife.
"Right, when's the game?"
"Next weekend. Want some?" I offered him a piece of my pancake.
"Ha, nice try. I'm good," he winked. "Eat up, sweetheart."
Ashton snorted into his coffee, his eyes twinkling in amusement as if he was already on to me.
Well, at least I tried.
"Who's he talking to?" Tristan pointed at Jordan standing on our back porch, talking into the phone.
"Don't know," Ashton shrugged, "he's been there for twenty minutes now."
"Huh," was all Tristan said before he brushed it off and served himself some of my homemade pancakes. "So Lily's uncle has a beach house, she said we could use it this week. You guys wanna go to the beach this weekend?"
"Can't," Ashton said without elaborating.
"What about Friday, after school. We can stay overnight and head back Saturday morning."
"Sounds like a plan," Ashton nodded.
"Is Lily coming too?" I asked.
"She can't, her mother's visiting."
"Oh, that's too bad." I had hoped she'd join us too. Lily was a blast to have around.
"What's too bad?" Jordan announced his presence, closing the screen door.
"We're going to the beach Friday. You coming?" Tristan questioned.
Jordan stuffed his phone back in his pocket. "I'm gonna have to check my schedule - "
"Oh come on, you're working your ass off. You need a little time off, man," Tristan noted.
"I'll see if someone can take over my shift," he relented.
Tristan pointed a warning finger at him. "Make it happen."
"Yeah, yeah," Jordan rolled his eyes.
"Who were you talking to?" I asked, pouring some fresh coffee in his mug.
"Thanks," he said with a quick smile. He scratched the side of his jaw and sighed. "That was Carla's counselor from the rehabilitation center."
I perked up. "How's she doing?"
"She's doing good, great actually."
Ashton snorted. "Of course. Wouldn't be the first time either. She's playing the role of an exemplary, perfect patient."
"Why would she do that?" I frowned.
He looked at me. "Gets her out faster, Jade."
I looked at Jordan for answers.
"Ash is right, baby. It's what she usually does."
Tristan took a sip from his own coffee. "They asked permission to discharge her."
The way he said it, it wasn't a question, just a fact.
Jordan nodded, confirming his statement.
It struck me how this was all just a usual routine for them. It wouldn't be the first time my mother got admitted into rehab - it seemed like she learned how they expected her to act to get out faster.
I swallowed down another bite. "What did you tell them?"
"I told them to delay her leave ..."
Ashton shot Jordan a dreadful look. "For how long?"
He dropped his gaze to his hands cupping his mug. "I can't keep her there much longer, Ashton. You know that. I got other things to spend my money on."
Ashton blew out a breath. "You do know she'll relapse again, right? The second she walks out of that building, the first thing she'll do is go to the liquor store."
"You don't know that," I protested quietly.
"Fucking hell, Jade. How can you sit there and still defend her? After everything she's done to you?"
"I'm not defending her," I retorted. It was a habit, a bad habit I should get rid of.
Jordan cleared his throat. "They're granting her visits. She wants to see us."
"Woman has some nerve to look us in the eye after the shit she pulled," Tristan commented. "Tell you what, I'm not eager to see her anytime soon. You?"
"Of course not," Jordan answered first.
I caught Ashton's eyes on me, staring at me across the table. I could hear his thoughts, the question balanced on the tip of his tongue. Go on, ask me then, I wanted to say.
"Jade," he said. It was funny how demanding and daring he could sound only saying my name. He was testing me, questioning my loyalties. It kinda hurt that he still thought I was this stupid little kid who never learned from her mistakes. The same girl that turned the other cheek, the same girl that kissed the hand that hurt her.
But I wasn't that girl anymore.
"I don't wanna see her either," I said.
Ashton leaned back against his chair and shot me a slow, approving smirk. "Good."
FADED
That night Jordan was still at the police station, working overtime so he could go with us to the beach. I had joined Noah on the couch, watching some tv show about criminal investigation. I couldn't concentrate - Ashton was sitting on the love seat with his girlfriend of the day. He whispered something in her ear and she giggled so loud, my eyes hurt from rolling them all the time.
Noah picked up the remote control and turned the volume up.
I tried to focus on the show. It was about a murderer on the run and a detective trying to catch him. There were some clues about the killer - he only targeted teens and there were hints that he might've been a child molester. They had shown some flashbacks of some of the victims when they were attacked by him when they were kids and I gulped.
I shifted my pillow closer to my chest, feeling uncomfortable for some reason.
The girl who had yet to be named suddenly laughed, breaking me out of my thoughts. "Oh my god Ash, stop it," she giggle uncontrollably.
"I swear to god, if she doesn't shut up," Noah mumbled under his breath.
I tucked my knees against my chest and concentrated. I needed to know if they were going to catch the killer or not. When the detective found some evidence that could lead to the murders, my heart suddenly pounded against my chest. Pictures, they had found pictures. They didn't show the images but they did talk about possible child pornography.
I felt sick.
"He's a child predator," the detective had said.
"Can we watch something else?" my voice came out a whisper.
Noah gave me a weird look.
"Please," I said, this time a little louder and less shaky.
Something about his expression changed but he nodded and changed the channel.
"I was watching that," Ashton protested.
The girl pouted. "Hey, I thought you were watching me."
Ashton shot her a lazy smile and kissed her.
"Get a room," Noah muttered, annoyed at their PDA.
Ashton suddenly jumped up and grabbed the girl's hand. "You know what Noah, that's actually a great idea. Let's go, Ellie."
"It's Ella," she corrected him but if she seemed offended by it, she didn't show it as she followed my brother like some lost puppy.
"Wanna watch a movie?" Noah asked once they had left.
I was actually tired and longing for my bed but I didn't wanna hear the sounds coming out of Ashton's room so I agreed. "I'll get us some popcorn."
I tucked a pillow against the arm of the couch and put my feet in Noah's lap, wiggling until I found a comfortable position. Noah had put on a movie about some Marvel superhero. I wasn't really watching, my thoughts kept flittering back to those pictures I had seen on Jordan's phone.
Noah cupped my ankle. "Wanna talk about it?"
He must've noticed my mood change after that particular scene from that show. But I didn't want to talk about it, if anything I was trying to forget about it.
"No, I'm okay," I said instead.
He threw a blanket over us both and I was glad he didn't push. I felt myself drifting in and out of sleep and before I knew it had succumbed to my exhaustion.
FADED
I woke up in an empty room.
I blinked several times, trying to adjust my vision. My feet were bare and I shivered when they touched the cold floor. I took in my surroundings, this place wasn't familiar to me. The room was clear and quiet, too quiet. And dark, really dark.
I squinted my eyes, searching for a way out - a door, a window, anything.
"Jade."
I turned around, staring into the emptiness.
"Hello?" I said, my voice echoing against the bare walls.
"Jade."
"Who's there?" I kept spinning around until I was dizzy.
"Say cheese," the voice said.
My eyebrows bunched up in confusion. "What?"
"Smile."
"I - I - who is this!?" I demanded.
A sudden sharp flash lighted up the entire room, nearly blinding me.
"What the - " I was cut off by another flash. And then another. "Stop it!"
"Look into the camera," the voice said before snapping another picture.
I covered my eyes with my arm while looking for an escape. My free hand was outstretched, touching the walls as I still looked for a way out.
"Jade. Smile."
I winced when another flash hit me like lightening. The sound was deafening and overwhelming. I couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from, those flashes seemed to come from everywhere.
Flash, flash, flash, flash -
"STOP IT!" I cried.
I didn't realize it was quiet again until I could hear my own blood rush through my veins, a pounding sound in my eardrums. I slowly lowered my arm from my eyes and squinted. Little dots danced around in my line of sight. I noticed that the room wasn't as dark as it was before.
"Isn't the she pretty?"
I jumped at the voice.
Something was off, different. I could feel it as a tingle ran up and down my spine. It wasn't until I walked closer to the walls, that it hit me.
They were covered in pictures. Pictures of me.
The same pictures I had seen on my brother's phone but also other pictures. Pictures of my first birthday. Pictures of when I had lost my first tooth. Pictures of when I was eating cake. Pictures of me playing in the backyard.
I couldn't look away, they were everywhere.
"Isn't she pretty?"
"Shut up!" I was panting, sweating and still looking for an escape. The walls seemed like they were closing in on me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I felt trapped. Those pictures kept popping up and when I looked up, I almost buckled through my knees when I saw that even the ceiling was covered.
"Look into the camera, Jade," the voice taunted and another flash hit me.
"GO AWAY!" I sobbed.
"Smile, Jade."
Flash.
I covered my ears and pinched my eyes closed.
Flash.
I trembled and slid onto the floor. "Leave me alone," I begged.
Flash.
"Isn't she pretty?"
Flash.
FADED
I woke up with a start.
My head was pounding and my hand clammy with cold sweat as I brushed my bangs from my face. I moved my tongue around in my dry mouth, swallowing thickly.
I jumped when the television screen flashed, briefly bathing the entire living room in a bright light. I let out a breath of relief when I realized it was only the movie still playing. A moan escaped my lips when I tried to sit up groggily.
My feet were still in Noah's lap who had fallen asleep. His head was craned in an awkward position against the back of the couch. I pressed the heel of my palms against my eyes and breathed in through my nose, breathed out through my mouth. I repeated the routine a few times until my heart stopped hammering.
I pushed the blanket away and rose to my feet. I adjusted Noah's head so he'd be comfortable and tucked the blanket around him. Spotting the remote, I took it and turned off the tv.
The stairs creaked as I climbed up. I could hear Ashton's bed bump against the wall and moaning coming from his room, but I walked right past his door. I pulled down the folding stairs to the attic and took the steps one at a time. I turned on the lights and pushed through the mess, searching for something.
It was like my body was moving on its own accord. My mind was shut off, I was in a daze.
When I found what I was looking for, I carried the box down and made my way downstairs. I suppressed a shiver when I opened the front door. A cold breeze waved through my hair as I walked to the garage. I found a jerry can with gasoline and carried it to the backyard.
The grass tickled my toes. I dropped to my knees and opened the box. I carelessly threw the content onto the ground. Pictures were scattered all over the lawn. My fingers grazed them as I slowly picked the ones with my face on it. In the end I had collected almost fifty of them. I safely put the other pictures back into the box.
I lifted up the jerry can and unscrewed the cap. The strong smell of gasoline hit my nose. I poured the liquid onto the pictures, making sure they were soaked.
I got up onto my feet and walked back into the house. Noah stirred when I moved into the living room.
"What time is it?" he groaned, rubbing his eye with a fist.
I found Ashton's jacket draped over the back of the loveseat. I stuck my hand into his pocket and took out his lighter.
Noah leaned up on his elbows, squinting at me. "Jade? What are you doing?"
I was still running on automatic pilot. I was vaguely aware of Noah following me to the backyard. He was also saying something but I couldn't bring myself to listen to his words.
I flicked the lighter a few times and I remembered thinking how beautiful a flame truly was. The lights dancing in the air, the warm colors bleeding into each other. It was mesmerizing and beautiful and horrible.
"Jade!" Noah's alarmed voice cut through my thoughts but it was too late.
I dropped the lighter onto the pictures and watched as the flames licked at the paper.
"What the hell are you doing!" Noah pushed me back so hard, I fell right on my butt.
I hugged my knees against my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. My eyes followed the motions of the flames, I could sense the warmth on my skin. I felt a sense of pleasure when I saw the pictures shrivel up, the corners slowly turning black, into ashes, into nothing.
"What the fuck is going on!" Ashton stormed out, his eyes wild and dangerous.
Noah had taken off his t-shirt and used it to try to stop the fire. "Jade lit these pictures on fire," he sounded breathless and panicked.
Ashton disappeared and came back a minute later with a bucket full of water. I jumped up and knocked it out of his hands, wetting his sweatpants in the process.
He gave me a long look, a mix of anger and confusion. "Jade, what the fuck!"
I lowered myself onto the grass and sat back to stare at the flames still burning every piece of my past, every piece of me.
"Go get the hose," Ashton ordered.
"What's going on?" Ellie, Ella, whatshername asked. I felt her dainty hands on my shoulders, trying to pull me away from the fire but I jerked away from her hold.
Noah came back with the hose and didn't even hesitate. In a second he had drenched all those pictures. The flames stood no chance. I felt like crying.
"Stop it!" I told him. But he wouldn't listen. I scrambled to my feet and stepped into the stream of water, not caring that I was soaking myself. "Stop it."
"Jade, move!"
"No!" I yelled back. "Why would you do that?"
"Jade - " Ashton grabbed my arm and I lashed out at him.
"I said, stop it!" I tried to wrestle the hose from Noah's hands but he was too strong. Or maybe I wasn't strong enough. Maybe I was just weak.
Ashton grabbed me from behind, his arms felt like steel as they trapped my own arms against my side. I struggled, I kicked and punched but to no avail. If anything, his hold became even more solid.
"Shhh." He dropped his lips close to my ear, his breath warm against my cold skin. "You need to calm down."
"Why would you do that?" I sobbed. My face was wet with tears.
I was sad, so sad. Because the fire had died. Because a piece of me had died.
"Y-you should've let them b-burn," I hiccupped. "All of it. They-y should burn."
I wanted to see them get destroyed, one by one.
Ashton didn't release me, he just held me tighter. If it weren't for his arms, I wouldn't be standing. His thumbs rubbed along the goosebumps on my exposed skin. I could feel his heart pound through my back, it was a steady beat. It was soothing.
Noah picked up the burnt pictures or what was left of it and put them back in a different box. The smell of ashes lingered in the air and for some reason it made me cry again.
Noah's eyes softened and glistened as he walked over to me. He held my gaze for a few seconds and my breath shuddered when a single tear traced his cheek. The anguish and pain was radiating off of him and it made my heart ache.
Why was he hurting? I was the one watching myself slowly fading away, I was the one burning.
"Oh Jade," was all he said before he hugged me too.
My body was nestled between my brothers', their arms tangled around me and it somehow made sense. This is where I was supposed to be, in the here and now, not stuck in the past. I tucked my head in the crook of Noah's neck and stifled another sob.
Those photographs opened doors into the past, they took an instant out of time and held it still for eternity. How did people expect me to let go when I had those pictures to remind me of those horrible moments in my life. I was wrong, these tears I had weren't because I was sad - no, I was afraid. Afraid that my past would become the present.
FADED
I didn't mention anything about what had happened the next morning. But judging by how everyone was walking on eggshells around me, either Noah or Ashton or both couldn't keep their mouths shut.
I was too embarrassed to talk about it, I couldn't even comprehend what had happened. It was almost like it wasn't even me who had burned those pictures, I couldn't even remember why I did it in the first place. When I woke up, I had forgotten about it until I found the box on the kitchen table.
Jordan walked up behind me and ran a hand down the top of my head. "Jade - "
I turned away from him. "Don't wanna talk about it."
He quieted for a few seconds before saying, "That's alright, you don't have to."
"Good."
He watched me closely and it was almost comical how hard he had to refrain himself. "Good," he eventually said even though I could tell he wanted so say so much more.
I tucked my hair behind my ears and grabbed my backpack. "We should probably go now."
He nodded. "Noah! Let's go!"
He fetched his car keys and I followed him through the door. I climbed into the backseat without another word. As soon as Noah got in too, the car rumbled and Jordan backed out of the garage.
The drive to school was quiet but in my head it was loud. What was wrong with me? Why was I still having those nightmares? Why couldn't I get over it? It happened, it's over now, time to move on. That was easier said than done. It felt like I wasn't moving at all, every step forward was two steps back.
I snapped back to reality when the school building came into view. I unbuckled my seatbelt and grabbed my stuff. I eyed Jordan warily when he turned off the engine.
"See you guys tonight," Noah rushed out as he hurriedly fetched his bag.
Jordan cupped the back of his neck. "Good luck with your test today. Tristan will pick you up after school."
"'Kay." Noah jumped out of the car, his gaze lingering on me. "Later."
I watched as he caught up with Stella who greeted him with a peck on the lips.
My door suddenly opened and Jordan propped his forearm on top of the roof of the car. He was blocking my way which I believe was the plan.
"Alright listen - "
"Jordan, it's fine. I'm fine," I insisted.
He moved to keep me where I was when I tried to get out. "You know you can talk to me, right?"
"I know." My eyes trailed to his jugular, it was easier than to face the worry and sympathy in his hazel eyes.
"Promise me," he pushed. "I don't want you to bottle everything up again. It'll only blow up in your face, and seeing you hurting hurts me more than you think. I don't want any of that shit again."
"I promise."
He inhaled deeply before breathing out evenly. "C'mere."
I stepped out of the car to hug him properly. My lips quirked in the ghost of a smile, touched by his concern. He squeezed me to him and pressed his nose against the top of my head, breathing in the scent of my vanilla shampoo.
"Love you," I mumbled into his chest.
"Love you more." He planted two kisses in my hair before letting go.
I adjusted my sweater and caught a movement behind Jordan. Preston came speeding into the parking lot on his skateboard. He slowed down when he noticed me. His face was blank, unreadable. He suddenly picked up his pace again and disappeared out of sight.
"Was that the boy you were talking about?"
"Uhu."
Jordan pushed his hands down the front pockets of his jeans and made that sound in the back of his throat.
"Hey Jade!" Lauren waved and jogged towards me, Anna was following closely.
"Hey," I smiled. I closed the door of the car and shouldered my backpack.
"Good morning, sir," Anna looked up at my brother shyly.
"Mornin'."
Was she blushing?
"Did you ask him yet?" she suddenly asked me.
"Oh shoot, I forgot." I squinted my eyes from the sun as I looked at my freakishly tall brother. "Can I do a sleepover next weekend? It's just us, Olivia, Kylie and Sophie."
Jordan ran his fingers through his hair. "Sure. I don't know if I'll be on duty then, but I'll ask Tristan not to make any plans just in case."
"What about Ashton?" Anna questioned bluntly.
Jordan chuckled. "I don't think Ashton's the right person to supervise, sweetheart."
I swear Anna's cheeks suddenly turned a darker shade of red.
"Okayyy." I shared a secret smile with Lauren before addressing my brother. "We have to go now."
"Have fun," he said, cupping my chin and giving me another kiss.
As soon as he drove off, Anna suddenly squealed.
"Oh my god, he called me sweetheart! Can't wait to tell the girls, Kylie will be so jealous."
FADED
By the end of the week I was emotionally exhausted. I didn't think the salty breeze of the ocean and the sound of crashing waves was what I really needed. The sand felt nice and warm between my toes and fingers. There's something really calm and serene about the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shore line no matter how many times it's sent away.
I could've sworn I heard the ocean speak to me. Its voice soothing and loud at the same time. I imagined how it felt to float in the sea, to be swept away by the waves. I wondered where it would take me.
Some drops of water flicked my way when Ashton lowered himself to sit next to me. His wet skin was glistening and his bare shoulder was cool to the touch when it brushed mine. He dug his feet into the sand and bent his legs at the knees. Ashton was rarely quiet, when he was there was usually a storm brewing inside his head. But that wasn't the case now - there was only an aura of silence and peace hanging around him.
I watched as Tristan and Noah messed around in the water. A small smile slowly crept up my face seeing them so carefree. The happiness was rolling off of them in waves and a pang of jealousy hit me. I wished I could join them too ...
Jordan was lying down on his back next to me, stretched out. One arm was thrown over his eyes while the other hand rested on his stomach. He was fast asleep.
Two girls slowly walked past us, both wearing bikini's that left little to the imagination. They threw a sultry smile as they mentally undressed my brothers. They weren't even being subtle about it.
I turned to look at Ashton, surprised at his lack of reaction. He seemed lost in his thoughts as he twirled a shell between his fingers.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"You don't look okay," I said. The wind kept blowing my hair in my mouth and eyes. I gathered all my hair to one side and decided to braid it.
He tossed the shell aside. "Just thinking."
I didn't want to push, Ashton closed off every time you tried to slip through the crack of the walls he built around himself. Instead, I leaned back on my elbows and tried to soak up as much sun as I could.
I was wearing a one piece bathing suit underneath an off the shoulder summer dress. The material was so light, it almost felt like I wasn't wearing anything at all. I closed my eyes and let the warmth and salt seep into my pores.
"I understand why you did what you did," Ashton suddenly spoke.
I cracked one eye open. With the reflection of the sun, his black hair had an almost blue shine to it. It matched his eyes and the ocean.
"I had the same reaction," he continued. "When I found out about the pictures. I wanted to rip them into pieces, destroy them one by one."
He still wasn't looking at me, his focus on the horizontal line between the sky and ocean.
"Can I ask you something?" I bit my lip, hesitant. "I have all these - these conflicting emotions and thoughts fighting against each other inside of me and I don't know what to do with them."
"You fight back. Let them know who's got the upper hand."
"But how?"
"I don't know. You'll figure it out." He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. "You have to move on, Jade. It's just a chapter in the past now."
I looked down at our hands. "Have you moved on?"
"Not really," he admitted truthfully. "Don't think I ever will."
For some reason I had a feeling he was no longer talking about the incident with the pictures. Ashton had gone through a lot of shit but the day he'd ever talk about it is when hell freezes over.
I breathed in a lungful of fresh air. "They weren't kidding when they said it hurts to let go."
"It hurts like a bitch."
I kind of zoned out after that, dwelling in my own thoughts. I snapped out of it when I heard someone calling my name.
Tristan ran towards me, water dripping down the length of his body. He grabbed both my hands and pulled me up in one smooth motion. It took me a few seconds to realize he was pulling me towards the water. I dug my feet in the sand and tried to free my hand from his grasp.
"No. Tristan, no."
"Jade, you'll be fine. Trust me."
Panic rose, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. "Tristan, please. Please, don't make me do this."
"Leave her alone, man." Ashton palmed Tristan's shoulder, pulling him to a stop. "Look at her, she's scared shitless."
As if noticing me for the first time, Tristan faced me, his eyes examining my face. I ducked my head in an attempt to hide the tears prickling my eyes.
Tristan cursed under his breath. He crouched in front of me, trying to make me look at him.
"Jade, I know you're scared - "
"I'm not scared." Hearing myself say this, even I could detect the lie in my words.
He sighed. "When was the last time you took a bath?"
The question threw me off guard and I picked up my head to shoot him a questioning look. "What?"
"I know you haven't taken a bath since the incident with Penny."
My mouth dropped but no sound came out. I suddenly felt exposed and hugged myself.
"Jade, you need to stop dwelling in the past. You're stronger than that, I know it."
I caught Ashton looking at me. This was exactly what he had been talking about. I always let my past dictate my life, it beat inside me like a second heart.
He touched my cheek and his lips curved into a soft smile. "You just need a little help."
"I'm scared," I sniffed back some tears, hanging my head in shame.
"That's okay," he reassured me, stroking the pad of this thumb across my cheek. He ducked his head to catch my eye. "Wanna give it a try? I promise I won't let go of you."
I glanced at the ocean behind him. It looked so massive, so deep, endless. I was just a little speck of nothing compared to the large expanse of clear blue water. I was nothing compared to the sea. That only frightened me more.
Ashton nudged me. "You can do it."
That didn't help me.
I looked down at Tristan who was still crouched in front of me. The expression etched onto his face was reflecting his endless patience and unconditional love. He was waiting and I just knew in my heart that there was no limit in how long he was willing to wait for me.
"Okay," I said eventually, my voice barely audible through the sound of the loud waves.
Tristan grabbed my face and kissed my forehead. He helped me out of my dress and passed it to Ashton who gave my arm an encouraging squeeze before going back to where we left Jordan.
Tristan's hand was strong and firm around mine. It gave me a sense of safety and trust, wrapped around me like a soft blanket.
The moment my toes touched the water, I tensed up. I gulped and suppressed a shiver. Tristan didn't push, he followed my lead. I mentally counted to ten before taking another step closer. The water lapped at my feet and legs. It was cold enough to chill me to the bone but not enough to make me freeze.
Before I knew it the water had reached my waist. The sand shifted beneath my feet, it almost felt like I was moving even though I hadn't budged.
Tristan gently took my other hand as we slowly slid deeper into the water. When a wave crashed against us, I gasped.
"You're doing great, baby girl."
I was crushing his fingers and if I was hurting him, he didn't show. My body temperature adjusted and the water no longer felt chilled. It was still cold but pleasant at the same time.
I wasn't aware that we were moving further into the sea until my feet were no longer touching the bottom and it felt like I was floating. I let go of Tristan's hands and wrapped my arms around his neck, clinging to him instead. I stiffened when another wave hit us.
"Hey, hey, I got you, babe. I got you," he said, his voice calm.
I was trembling from head to toe. Tristan must've felt it because he rubbed my side with one hand, his arm tight around my waist. He used his other hand to move us around in the water and to probably keep us from sinking. The thought alone made it suddenly hard to breathe.
"Look at you, facing your biggest fear," he stated proudly and dropped a lingering kiss on my cheek. "That's my girl."
I pressed my lips against his shoulder and risked a look at the beach. My heart skipped a beat when I realized how far we were from solid ground. The people on the beach were just little dots, I could barely make out my other brothers.
"You still scared?"
I nodded against his shoulder, my voice stuck somewhere in my throat. I wanted to block everything out but when I closed my eyes, flashes of the pool at school kept popping up in my head. That feeling of having the oxygen squeezed out of your lungs was something I would never forget. The way I had gasped for air and lost control over my own body. I had gone limp and it was terrifying. I thought I had died.
"Try to relax." Tristan kept rubbing my side up and down. "You're doing great, princess."
At the time I was still too afraid and anxious to really enjoy the moment. But I knew that when this was over, I'd feel like I had accomplished something. No matter how small the step, it was still a step in the right direction. Tristan was right, I just needed a little help.
FADED
The beach house of Lily's uncle was small but cozy. I had just taken a shower, needing to scrub away the traces of fear and anger and confusion and all the other emotions I had gone through in such a short span of time. They stuck to me like glue and I felt much lighter after I let the hot water wash it away.
I found Tristan and Ashton sitting at this make shift bar, probably getting drunk.
Ashton was smoking. "I'm just saying man, if the sun is in space, why is space dark in day time? You ever thought about that?"
"'Cause it's space. Nothing's impossible in space," Tristan chuckled.
"If nothing's impossible, then is it possible for something to be impossible?"
Tristan took the blunt from Ashton's lips before taking a hit. "Dude, what are you even talking about?"
Oh okay, I take it back. They were not drunk.
I slowly shook my head and went onto the deck where I found Jordan and Noah engaged in a conversation.
"Hey!" I plopped down next to Noah and stole a few M&M's from his bowl.
"Oh yes certainly, you may have some of my candy," he said dryly. "You know I'm happy to share, especially since you asked oh so nicely."
I giggled. "May I have some of your M&M's please?"
"I'll take it under consideration."
I rolled my eyes. "So what were you guys talking about?"
Noah popped three M&M's in his mouth. "I was just telling him about this hot chick we saw at the beach. She was totally hitting on him but he wouldn't take her up on her offer."
Jordan snorted. "She was not hitting on me."
"Yeah she was," Noah insisted. "She couldn't keep her hands off you and she kept looking at your dick."
Jordan picked up a pillow and threw it at his face. "Shut up."
Noah successfully dodged it and just laughed.
"Are you gay?" I couldn't help but ask.
Jordan gave me strange look. "No."
"Oh."
He chuckled. "You sound disappointed."
"Just thinking about the last time I had seen you with a girl."
"Wait now that you mention it," Noah started. "When was the last time you got laid?"
"That's none of your business, bud," Jordan said with a sort of finality to it.
But Noah being Noah, he kept digging of course. "Was it with that bartender Ashton talked about the other day? Nora or something."
"What bartender?" I wanted to know.
"It was nothing," Jordan stated. "She just gave me her number that's all."
"So why didn't you call her?" Noah pressed.
Jordan shrugged. "Because I wasn't interested."
I tossed an M&M in my mouth. "What's your type anyway?"
He ran a hand down his tired face. "I don't have a type."
"Oh c'mon Jordan, work with us!" Noah started going through a mental list. "Blonde, brunette, Caucasian, exotic, Asian, dark-skinned, tall, petite, skinny, curvy - "
"Okay what is this?" Jordan cut him off. "You trying to hook me up or something?"
"You need love in your life," I told him.
"I thought you guys loved me," he shot back playfully.
"Of course we do," I quickly interjected. "But I'm talking about a different kind of love. A woman's touch."
"Dude, a guy looking like you, imagine the possibilities," Noah shot him a teasing grin. "The choices are endless."
Jordan didn't look anywhere near convinced. "Listen, it's sweet you're concerned about my wellbeing but I'm just fine. Now get off my back."
I tucked my feet under my butt. "Is it because of us?"
Jordan groaned. "Sweetheart, how many times do I have to tell you, it has nothing to do with you. I thought I had already made that clear."
"I know ..." I chewed the inside of my cheek. "It's just ... you know you deserve so much better, right? I don't want you to put your life on hold just because you had to put us first."
Jordan gazed at me for a long time and I was slightly taken aback by the somber shadow casting over his face. He suddenly sat up straight and stared down at the ring around his finger. He turned it a few times before taking it off. He stared at if for a long time.
Noah and I exchanged a look.
Jordan took a deep breath as if bracing himself, for what? I had no idea.
"A long time ago, when I was fifteen I think, someone very close to my heart gave me this ring."
"TJ," Noah said, like it was a fact. "Your old neighbor, the one that practically raised you and Tristan."
"The ring belonged to him but he wasn't the one who gave it to me." Jordan slid the ring back on his finger. "It was his daughter. She was around my age - six months, two weeks and four days younger to be exact. Her name was Amelia but she hated it. Told everyone to call her Millie instead," he said with a fond smile.
"Were you guys friends?" I asked curiously.
"We were more than friends. I thought she was the one for me. We even talked about getting married one day - she always wanted a wedding at the beach. It's where she scattered her mother's ashes. She said it would be like having her there, with her."
Noah adjusted a pillow behind his back and settled back, intrigued with this story. "Did you love her?"
"I did," he nodded. "I know we were young but I could just feel it. We were meant to be."
I was almost too afraid to ask but I had to know. "What happened to her?"
Jordan's lips pulled into a tight line. "She got sick. Liver cancer. Just like her mother. It was terminal." His eyes hardened and glistened in anguish. "She died when she was only twenty."
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "You never told us."
"You were just kids," he brushed off. "Too young to understand."
"How come we never met her?" Noah asked.
"You did. Once or twice maybe. You probably just don't remember. Like I said, you were both still kids." The lines around his eyes softened. "I wanted to officially introduce her as my girlfriend but she was against it. She didn't want you to see her like that. She didn't wanna properly meet you because she didn't have the heart to say goodbye."
My eyes watered as my own heart constricted. "Is that why you're not interested in other girls? You're still in love with her."
"I know it's been almost eight years now but I can't imagine ever living happily ever after with someone that isn't her. She was the only girl I had ever dated, the only long-term relationship I had ever had. My first crush, my first kiss, my first everything."
"She'd want you to find someone," Noah shot him a comforting smile. "She'd want you to be happy."
"I know."
"You shouldn't feel guilty when you're out with someone else. You're not replacing her, you're just moving on," I told him.
He hung his head. "I know."
"It's hard isn't it?" I said. "Moving on, I mean."
"It is," he admitted quietly.
I unfolded my legs and got up. I wormed myself into his arms on his lap and gave him a much needed hug. All those times he held me to comfort me, this time it was the other way around. He kissed the side of my face and squeezed me tighter.
God, what I wouldn't do to take away all his pain. Jordan deserved the world, he truly did. It made me angry that he was hurting for all these years but I was also in awe how strong he stayed through it all.
He said he hadn't moved on but he was already halfway there. He picked up his life and made something of himself. He fought for the people that were still around and took responsibility for them. He proved to everyone and himself that he had it in him to do it. Like Ashton had said, letting go hurt like a bitch. But Jordan found how to start a new chapter. He didn't close the book, he just turned the page.
I admired that about my big brother and I hoped that one day I'd be half as strong as he was to let go.
"I'm glad you told us," I mumbled into his ear. My forehead was nestled right under his jaw where I could feel his pulse against my temple. "Promise me no more secrets."
He pressed his lips against the crown of my head. "No more secrets."
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Don't forget to VOTE/FOLLOW. You already know they're like cookies to me and I love cookies <3 <3 <3
Ps: I've decided to delete the faceclaims I had for the main characters because I was receiving too many comments and pm's from people telling me how they pictured the cast differently. If you go back to the first chapter you'll see that I added images but I kept it pretty vague. This way I still left enough room for you guys to use your own imagination. Let me know what you think.