KISS ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The next day, Louis could hardly contain himself as he tried to ease his nerves, his excitement with a cup of tea and TV. Today, he was going to get answers from the one and only person he had his eyes on and it couldn't feel more better. It could either go two days-- it could either be the best news of his life, everything could finally fall into place and everything would make sense to Louis for once. Or, it could go terribly wrong and end up falling into pieces right before his eyes. He wouldn't be surprised, it has happened before.
He remembered to quickly drop a text to the three lads, reminding them he was alive and breathing since he had fallen off the face of Earth. He told them where he had been and where he was heading towards today. Zayn hadn't seemed too onboard with the idea, commenting and saying that Harry was just destructive in Louis's life and he should steer clear. Unlike Niall, who was for the idea and was on the edge, wanting each detail.
Louis had to take the small opportunity he had, grab it and go for it. If he had stayed completely loyal, not getting into one night stands and meaningless relationships because one person had his heart then why would he not give it his 100%? He had gone so long with the same pain, the same dull ache in his chest -- what was one more time going to harm him?
This day was going to change him, he could feel it in his bones and he could hardly contain himself as he tried to keep himself in one place.
By the time was 2, he was sick with nerves and unsure as to what he was going to say. Was he going to end up being rude, spitting out hateful comments and releasing all the pain he had been feeling for the past three years? Or, was he going to be understanding and try to hear his side of the story? Either way, Louis was prepared. He had been prepared for this day for three years and it was finally here.
He didn't waste anymore time, getting into his range rover and driving straight down to the park. He covered his face as much as he could with his snapback but not wanting to attract attention to himself as he moved past the people, keeping his head down and climbing up the hill. Once he reached up there, he was away from everyone else and able to take a second to breathe before releasing there was the ever charming Harry sitting by the tree.
Harry was dressed to perfection. He was wearing a flannel, dark tight jeans and boots -- almost like every other day but he just looked so put together. For once, there was a bright smile on his face that actually reached his eyes and he looked somewhat healthy like he finally could afford a good meal or two. For that, Louis was grateful because he was looking his best and he looked so gorgeous that Louis couldn't take his eyes off him.
His body was outlined perfectly in his clothes, his lanky and slender arms and his cute little body. He was on display for Louis and Louis couldn't help but admire what was standing before him.
Harry looked up, a smirk playing on his lips as he jumped up from the tree and clapped his hands. He looked unusually confident and it was weird to see but Louis tried not to overthink it. It was great, it was brilliant.
"You came," Harry breathed out, looking surprised. His whole facial expression was lit up, his eyes crinkled with happiness and his lips stretched out in a wide smile. He couldn't look more beautiful in that moment.
For a second, Louis felt at a loss of words as he stammered over himself and made a fool of himself. "Y-yeah, I-I did."
Harry giggled, the cutest voice filling the air and bringing down the tension instantly. He had this charm about him, this personality that could easily made the whole atmosphere comfortable to settle into. Harry didn't even try to be this perfect, it just kind of happened.
"I have so much to say but I'm so thankful you're here, Louis. I appreciate it so so much."
Louis needed to focus on what was going on here, he needed to be on complete alert for the next few hours because it was about his whole life. It was either going to make or break and he needed to be aware of what exactly was going on. He snapped out his trance, his constant staring at Harry's perfect smile and instead, reminded himself what he was here for.
He was here for answers.
"I mean, it's not a big deal," Louis played it off nicely, shrugging and sitting himself down on the grass absentmindedly.
Harry just followed, sitting down too and starting to pull out the grass. "I don't even know where to start!" He said nervously, laughing shakily. "I just, I mean, I guess I'll start with I'm sorry?"
Louis nodded, he needed Harry to expand on the apology because that word meant nothing. People threw it around, not even properly meaning it and just wanting forgiveness. Louis couldn't stand that. He didn't want to sit here and hear bullshit, no, he wanted clear reasons. So, he sat there with an expectant glance at Harry who finally caught on.
"It's just that at the time, I was so in love with Dalton and I was making a huge mistake by not even asking about your results. I didn't even care, I wasn't in the right mind frame and ended up going on about my own ridiculous life."
"Harr-" Louis interrupted, wanting to say something but Harry cut him off, shaking his head.
"No, today you'll listen to me all the way through the end and then you'll be given permission to talk!" He warned and Louis raised his hands in surrender, trying to relax himself against the tree trunk as Harry continued. "I was too stuck up my own life, too worried about what direction I was headed in. I was stressed out me and Dalton moving and that was the only thing that concerned me. I mean, I'm so sorry first of all for never informing you about my relationship. I ended up pushing you guys away once I met Dalton, keeping him away from my life because I wanted a new start and Dalton was that start.
I actually met Dalton online. I wasn't aiming for anything to start between us- we were just friends that were helping each other through our exams. You were busy yourself with your exams, your singing and needing to be signed. I didn't want to disturb you, I wanted you to achieve and it wasn't right putting my own problems down on you. So, Dalton was the other person I turned to. He was online, he was not part of what was going on with my daily life and it made sense to vent to him at the end of the day-- he was a stranger.
Then, we started talking more and more, everyday non stop and he liked me. He did. He wanted to get to know me more, my personality, who I was rather than my studies and my education and my stupid dreams about modelling. So, I told Dalton more about me and he told me more about himself and it turned out he lived quite close so we met up. It was like... love at first sight, Louis. We clicked, we kissed on the first date and it took off from there.
I saw Dalton daily after school, ditching you guys and heading off to my own adventures. I used excuses like needing to go the library, needing to go home to meet Dalton and never told you guys the truth. Why? I was afraid Louis. I was scared to tell you because I knew you wouldn't agree, I knew you wouldn't like it and I didn't want to see you frown. It took off quite quickly though, within a month we were already talking about moving in. He was quite eager on the idea, wanting me around all the time and he gave me this attention. It made me feel... older? More mature?
Because of Dalton, I've grown faster, wiser and I'm thankful for that. But, I'm so sorry Louis because this wasn't how it was supposed to be." Harry finished his speech, his eyes locked with Louis's blue ones and pleading for some sort of response.
The information was just loaded, thrown to Louis and he was trying to process each word that had been said to him. He nodded, gulping as he tried to understand everything. Dalton was the reason Harry was the man he is today, the mature person that was sitting before him. But, Louis couldn't get his mind off the last sentence.
"What do you mean this wasn't how it was supposed to be?" He dared to ask, his voice barely above a whisper. A part of him was terrified for the answer, not wanting it to break his confidence down.
Harry chuckled, looking down and shrugging. He sighed deeply, running a hand through his wild curls. "Louis, we all know it's not joke that I was completely head over heels for you."
This was the first time they were talking about their feelings, talking about what they shared with each other and for each other and Louis couldn't feel more nervous. His heart race increased, he started blinking faster as he clenched his fists to avoid the sweaty palms. When you wait for something for so long and the moment finally comes, how are you supposed to react? Right now, Louis felt like he was dreaming and he was pinching himself for the moment he would wake up and laugh at his sorry, pitiful life.
But, this wasn't a dream and this was actually happening and Louis couldn't believe his own two eyes and ears.
"W-what?" He struggled with his words, his head feeling fuzzy.
Harry didn't fail with his words, not letting his nerves take over as he smiled confidently. "It's true. I loved you, I did. Shit, Louis. You were the reason I figured out I was gay, you were my first kiss and the person I lost my virginity to. You were my best friend, the reason I kept going through the tough times and believed everything could be okay. You gave me hope, you kept me on my two feet and then what did I do? I threw it all back in your face. I disrespected you, ignored you, cut you off and didn't bother to try and keep up with you."
Louis grimaced, feeling tears well up in his eyes as he wiped them away furiously. Was he supposed to be happy or angry right now? He had no idea how to react, what to say or feel but all that was running through his veins, his body right now as relief.
"You got bigger and bigger, your face plastered on every wall, every TV show, every website and every social media. Your name was being made, your songs were coming out from every corner and you were suddenly this huge pop sensation. Millions of girls look up to you, admire you daily, love you and how could I compete with that? Why would you want me? This drop out from university, no life ambition, no life and no job and living off his boyfriends money, huh?"
"Harry." Louis warned sternly, not wanting Harry to bring himself down. "Don't fucking say that. I'd want you in any shape of form, no matter what."
Harry just shook his head. "I was nothing compared to what you had with Zayn or Liam or Niall. They had bothered, they made an effort and they deserved your attention much more than me. They never left you, they made a future for themselves. What was I? Nothing. Trash. I felt too worthless to contact you, I felt like it was useless. Plus, me and Dalton were really getting serious and he gets rather jealous... quickly, and I didn't want to disappoint him. Without him, what am I? No job, no money, nothing."
Louis could feel an overwhelming sense of sadness washing over him as he watched his best friend, the love of his life spill out all his emotions. Harry wasn't holding anything back, he was being raw and honest and speaking straight from the heart and that was what counted. Harry was truly sorry, you could tell from the passion that was coming strong from his tone of his voice and his ernest, wide green eyes that were full of sorry, guilt and regret.
"Please, don't say that." Louis begged. He didn't want Harry to feel like he wasn't worth anything because he was still a star in Louis's eyes, and that's all that mattered.
Harry didn't listen though, he carried on. "I tried, I did but everytime, it failed and it felt hopeless so I just stopped. I'm sorry Louis, I should've kept going and trying for you. I shouldn't of given up like you never did on your dreams, you made it come true and I failed Louis. I'm sorry. I just... appreciate you so much for being here after all the shit I put you through."
And finally, Harry's voice cracked as he lowered his head and brought his hands up to wipe away the tears. He kept his head in his hands, sobbing softly to himself as his chest heaved up and down and Louis was dumbfounded for a few seconds. He stared at the broken form in front of him, the same person who had opened up and filled him in with everything that had happened in the past years. Yet, it felt like there was still thousands of unanswered questions left.
It took a few seconds before Louis moved forward, pulling Harry into a hug. Harry put his head into Louis's lap, between his legs and clutched his shirt as he cried his eyes out. Louis just patted his hair, shushing him and letting this moment pass by like so. Harry cried, Louis cried--they cried together until there were no tears left.
"Harry, I appreciate you for telling me everything and I forgive you." He said sincerely, looking straight into his eyes. "I'm sorry, I've just been so stupid and oblivious-"
Harry put his finger up to Louis's lips, pressing it firmly and frowning. "Don't you even dare try to apologise, Louis Tomlinson. You did nothing wrong."
Louis groaned loudly because this wasn't fair. He didn't want to seem like the good guy who had been hurt and did nothing wrong -- he did. He let Harry go, he walked away on results day like he meant nothing and put his feelings first and didn't support Harry. He should've sucked it up, gone with it even if it meant pain. He was too selfish to realise what he was doing.
"Harry, I feel awful." Louis said quietly, moving forward to stroke Harry's curls. He missed the feeling of being able to touch him however he wanted, feeling his soft skin and his endless curls. He had been earning for Harry's touch, Harry's attention and it felt so good.
"Don't." Harry simply demanded, like it was that easy. He leaned forward in the touch, squeezing his eyes shut tight at the feel of Louis. "I just missed you so much, you know that?"
But, Louis didn't know so he didn't respond. He thought that Harry had forgotten him, hated him and never wanted anything to do with him again. He thought that he was worthless, useless compared to Harry and not worth his time. He felt like he had wasted his time, done nothing to appreciate Harry and the months, years he suffered-- how can he forget? He would never forget waking up feeling empty, not wanting to do anything besides sleeping and drinking and going to bed with a broken heart and thousands of thoughts running through his mind.
There was so many things going through Louis's mind right now as he tried to get a grip on what was going on and try to understand. Just now, the boy he has been in love with for the past 10 years has finally come out, admitted it. Does love take so long, feel so good but hurt so bad?
Louis gulped. "I missed you too." He said honestly, sincerely and he has never meant these words so seriously in his whole life. He took all his passion, all his love and put it in these words. "Goddamnit Harry, you broke my fucking heart." He finally managed to hiss out too, squeezing his eyes shut and exhaling sharply.
Harry winced at that but only snuggled closer, getting more comfortable between Louis's legs and sighing in relief. Like he belonged right there.
"I broke my own too." Harry finally whispered out, playing with the glass and sighing. "I wish I was never blind, I wish I had made the right choice."
Louis knew he he was probably taking this a step or two too fast, he should just process this for now instead of moving ahead. But, he has waited too long and this wasn't the time to let more minutes to be wasted. This was the moment and Louis had to grab every opportunity he could get.
"Then make the right one." He said boldly, confidently. He knew exactly what he wanted and that was Harry, he always has and that was never going to change.
Harry stiffened. "What do you mean?"
"Are you happy with Dalton?"
There was a long lasting silence, an uncomfortable one which made Louis on the edge. He was dying for a response, anything to put him out of his misery. He just wanted a confirmation, he wanted to know what he was the best thing that has happened to Harry. He needed to know, right now because it's gone on for too long now.
Harry coughed, clearing his throat. "Why?"
"Just tell me honestly." Louis begged.
Another second passed before Harry looked straight ahead. "I mean, I'm not over the moon with happiness. It is what it is."
"Have you seen my tattoo?" Louis brought up out of the blue because he adored his chest tattoo.
Harry nodded. "That's where I got it from."
"Do you still feel the same about Dalton, just as strongly?"
"What is this, honesty hour?" But there was no sign of distaste in his voice. Instead, it was teasing and light and Louis felt at home, at complete ease.
"Apparently it is."
"Can I be honest with you?" Harry whispered, moving close to Louis's stomach and pressing his head closer to him. He snuggled into the touch, trying to get comfortable as Louis died for an answer. He just wanted to know what was going on. Was this some kind of sick joke?
"Please."
"I never stopped liking you," his voice remained low, hesitant as he traced shapes into Louis's leg with his fingers. Louis had noticed Harry's back bones poking into his stomach, it was difficult but he didn't utter a single word. This was the moment, this was the words he had been dying to hear and now-- he had no idea how to react. Louis noticed how his heart beat had increased, thumping hard against his chest and his breathing had gone heavier and more evident. You wait for something so long and when you're faced with it, you have no idea how to react.
Louis closed his eyes, feeling a rush of pain and relief washing over him because it wasn't going to be easy now. Instead, he was going to end up being more fucked up than before. Now, he had a actual confirmation of Harry's feelings and he still won't be able to have him. Harry will return to Dalton tonight and he will go back to his life that is full of lies and cheating. Harry will wake up with Dalton besides him in the morning on their shared bed whilst Louis will try and crash at a friends house whilst being drunk out of his mind. They lived two very different lives and right now wasn't the correct time to be mixing into something that will bring extra agony to his life. But, Louis was willing to deal with that -- just for him.
So he ran a hand through Harry's hair, just slightly tightening his grip and humming softly. He didn't want to ruin this perfect moments, those words that practically changed his life.
"You didn't?" He asked after a while.
Harry seemed surprised, not expecting an answer. "Yes. You were always on my mind Tomlinson and I had no idea how to get you out. When I watched your interviews, I would be trying to figure out what was going on in your head and whether you have had breakfast that morning since you loved the way I prepared breakfast for you."
"And now you prepare that breakfast for Dalton." Louis cut out, not wanting to seem so rude but it just came across that way.
Harry exhaled, nodding. "The point is, I love you and I think... I always have? It's just taken me so long to gather the courage and to-"
Louis cut him off by lifting his head gently by his curls and crushing his lips against Harry, wanting to feel his soft lips again. He had always admired the feel of Harry, the way he tasted like sweet and mint and the way he responded so well to Louis. It was like their lips were made for each other, they were a perfect match. Right now, all Louis could feel, breathe, think was Harry and how amazing he was. How fate had destined for them to meet again, to come here and for him to finally kiss his boy after agonising three years. It was finally happening.
Louis kissed harder, wanting to feel him and his mouth and Harry moaned into Louis's mouth, trying to keep up. It was sloppy, wet and it felt like their first kiss but Louis didn't even care as long as he was able to feel close to him, connected to him.
"I fucking love you, I always will," Louis muttered against his lips, not wanting to release the hold around his curls or wanting to back away from the kiss.
Harry just moaned again, nodding frantically and begging to be kissed harder. "I love you too. I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing."
After they had their worthwhile of kissing, Harry pulled away and sighed heavenly before flopping against Louis's stomach again, resuming to the position he was in before. He had a lazy smile across his now red, swollen lips but he looked so content, so happy. It was like Harry didn't have a worry in the world and this was exactly where he belonged.
"It feels so right." Harry sighed, his smile not falling off his smile. "Why is does it feel right towards the fact I've just cheated on my boyfriend?"
"Because you enjoyed it, you love me and want me," Louis replied easily, sounding like he had a huge ego before winking at Harry. He couldn't help but wonder where this was going to go now. Was it going to end up like shit or would they actually take it to the next level?
Harry nodded, agreeing. "I did."
"So leave Dalton then," Louis said like it was just that easy and Harry tensed up.
"What do you mean? I love Dalton?"
Louis couldn't help but feel like this heart had just dropped to the pits of his stomach as he nodded, trying to shake off the comment. Harry had said it so easily and a part of it was true. Harry was in love with both boys but he was with Dalton.
"But you love me," he whined pathetically, not caring how needy he sounded right now. It was about time Louis stepped up and claimed what was his.
Harry looked momentarily torn, searching Louis's eyes desperately. "I know, I do."
"Then be with me."
"I can't, it's not that easy!"
"Yes, it's that easy!" Louis argued right back, turning Harry over softly so they were looking at each other dead on in the eye. "It's that easy Harry, you're making it harder. You like this, you come back again and again to see me. Dalton isn't making you happy anymore then drop him! Life is too short to be fight it."
Harry looked heartbroken. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"Then don't, just be with me."
"It's too soon," Harry shook his head like he was making the biggest mistake of his life. He looked so small, so scared and the fear was real in his bottle green eyes. He looked so disturbed, confused and Louis hated the effect he was having on him. "I can't just leave him, we've been together for three years Louis."
"So, give me time and let me make it up to you!" Louis said frantically. "We'll start off with a date. I'll organise everything, it'll be a surprise."
Harry let out a small chuckle, smiling again. "Going on a date when I'm already dating. That sounds funny Louis."
"Shut up Styles and agree so I can prove to you I'll treat you better than Dalton!" Louis knew he was jumping two steps ahead here, he was playing with fire and it could only end in two ways but he was really hoping for the better. He had to grab the chance whilst it was here.
Harry, however, looked extremely excited by the whole concept. He agreed instantly. "Fine, I agree with you."
"Here, here's my number." Louis ripped out a paper and pen from his pocket, writing down his number. "You best text me and let me know when you're free. We'll go on a Saturday, at 9?"
"I'll try to text you..." Harry's voice trailed away as he grabbed the paper and stuffed it in his pocket, not looking even the slightest promising. "But, I'll try and make it. Saturday, it is."