#MOTB21
The last weeks with Rekta before going to Spain with my family went so well and blissful. It was just 2 pair of days in two weeks because we couldn't take the weekdays as how we wanted, kailangan niyang umuwi ng Manila at ako naman ay nag-aaral din sa bahay. Sa hapon na kami nagkakausap na dalawa hanggang alas nuwebe ng gabi, I was content with that as long as he's at the end of the day to save my sanity.
End of the month, we went to Spain to celebrate the every three year death anniversary of our great grandparents until New Year. I met the other Zobels and Azcons, kasama rin sila Clairvaux doon at hindi kami nagkakausap na dalawa kahit nagkakasalubong. Kumpleto kami sa Spain, there's a ranch with a very big as castle mansion where we are all staying. Malapit din doon ang moseleyo ng aming pamilyang yumao, no other names but only Azcon and Zobel.
I remember the last day with Rekta while reading a book in the swing...
"Baka mambababae ka pag malayo tayo." banayad kong sinabi habang nakanguso.
He didn't say anything, he just renewed his hug around my waist. We were sitting on the soft ground of dry leaves, nakasandal siya sa puno habang ako'y nasa pagitan ng kanyang mga hita at nakayakap siya mula sa aking likuran. I played the black watch on his wrist, my back was leaning against his body. He was playing a mobile game earlier, tinuruan pa niya ako. Kaso lagi naman kaming natatalo dahil hindi ako gaanong marunong.
I'll surely miss this kind of day with him.
"I won't." he droned after minutes.
"Sure?"
He nuzzles my hair. "Very."
"Paano mo nasisiguro?"
"Nang-aasar ka lang, e." he reviled.
I laughed. "Hindi, ah. Gusto ko lang malaman kung paano mo nasisiguro na hindi ka nga mambababae. Baka pagbalik ko puro ka na naman kagat ng putakte or worse, in between the months we're apart. Maitatago mo iyon."
"We'll video call naked, then." he chuckled.
"Bastos ka?" patanong kong sinabi.
He laughed shrilly while nuzzling on my nape, umiling siya. "Hindi. It would be a proof that I don't have marks all over."
"Sus, ang dami-daming puwedeng gawin. Baka magkiss ka ng ibang babae kasi wala ako, babaero ka pa naman."
Nakakakuha talaga ako ng mga normal na kilos sa libro kapag may boyfriend na ang isang babae, nakakatuwa lang pero nakakakaba rin. My heart is always drowning in every beat of it and I don't know how I could manage to be this normal all along. Siguro dahil ganito naman kami noon, pero madalas naman ay nakaunan lang siya sa hita ko. Ngayon kasi nayayakap na niya ako, hindi ko mapigilan ang mangilabot tuwing maalala na nagsimula lang ito sa pagiging matalik naming magkaibigan.
"It's your choice to doubt my loyalty to you." he whispered, he gently planted kisses behind my ear and cheek. "Wala ka bang tiwala sa boyfriend mo?" natawa siya roon.
"Wala." iling ko at ngumuso lalo.
Rekta is always sweet, kahit hindi kami magkasama at sa tawag o text lang magkausap ay nararamdaman ko pa rin ang kanyang concern at kalambingan. I don't think I could ever get enough of his sweetness and care, all in all parang wala namang nagbago. He just became super extra now!
He groused and squished me more, I giggled.
"Okay, then. What's the deal?"
"Hmm... wala. I'm just kidding, nasa sa'yo na iyon kung hahanap ka pa ng ibang babae pag wala ako at ayos lang sa akin, I want you to have a diversion when I'm away." banayad kong sinabi.
"Talaga?" he asked leisurely and lowly, his chin rested on my shoulder.
I nodded and turned my head to his side. "Oo, mambababae ka nga?"
He shrugs. "Maybe. Ayos lang naman sayo, e."
Namilog ang mga mata ko at kumalas sa kanya, tinuro ko siya gamit ang cellphone niyang hawak ko.
"Ba't ganyan ka? Siyempre, maiisip mo dapat na may girlfriend ka na kahit malayo tayo. Hindi ayos iyon."
And I'm just testing him!
Humagalpak siya sa tawa at umiling.
"Ang gulo mo, kanina ayos lang sayo. Now, you're chiding me. Ano ba talaga?"
Napairap talaga ako roon. This numbskull. Does he even know how to be in a serious relationship?
"Hindi ka ba nakakaramdam? Ayos lang ang sinabi ko dahil ayaw kong maging possessive sayo, pero nasa sa'yo iyon. You are well informed that we are together, I'm your girlfriend so you won't need another girl even when we're away. You don't really know what loyalty, huh?" I chided. "Kung ganyan, papasakitin mo ang ulo ko sa kakaisip kahit malayo ako. Oh my goodness, I didn't expect having a boyfriend would make me so stressed." my palm flew on my forehead dramatically.
He closed his eyes and gasped with a vociferous laugh, he kept shaking his head in a slow manner like I was a sudden headache.
Ngumuso ako at nagkrus ng mga braso sa aking dibdib at binuksan ang cellphone niya. His phone lockscreen captured when I was fifteen, iyong nasa batis kami pagtapos ng pagtatalo namin ni Clairvaux. I look like a duck there while he was caging my cheeks in his one hand and his wallpaper is also me, the one he captured aesthetically when the wind blew my hair; my sixteenth birthday.
He gently pulled my elbow to sit in between him again, I let him.
My lips automatically lifted for a smile but I instantly dodged it and rolled my eyes, I opened his inbox and saw Ashiel's name. Nagkakatext sila, normal at may ilang biruan gaya ng magkaibigan. Iyon lang ang nakakatext niya, maraming unknown numbers na nagtetext pero wala siyang sinasagot.
"Pag nagbreak tayo, dapat si Shell ang ligawan mong susunod." sambit ko at inangat ang tingin sa kanya.
His forehead wrinkled, mabilis niyang hinila ang cellphone sa akin at nilapag lang iyon sa gilid niya habang matalim ang tingin sa akin.
"You really love annoying my day, huh? Pati susunod kong liligawan nakaplano na sayo?" he phonated crisply.
"Just suggesting you a girl after me—"
"Shut up." he droned irately. "What are you really planning? Is it a chain of you wanted me to be your boyfriend, to boyfriend, to breaking up with me and plan a next girl for me? Ano 'to para sayo, experiment?"
I gasped out and tore our eye contact because of my tightening chest. Umiling ako at muli siyang binalingan, I smiled and pushed myself closer to him gently. I put my hands on his both shoulders and massaged him slightly.
"Calm down, Rekta. Hindi naman ganoon, e. Gusto ko lang talaga si Shell for you "if ever" we broke up." pampalubag loob ko sa kanya. "If ever."
He looked at me sternly and very sharp, he sighed eventually and bowed his head a bit but his eyes remained on me.
"No break up idea, please. I know we took this so easy at the young age but I'm not stupid, I know who I want to have in long term." he said in a low-deep voice. "I like you, it's not only attraction. I can't tell it but it's more than that..."
Suminghap ako, my heart is so intense beneath my chest and I feel like floating through the soft clouds to flawless heaven of his confession I always wanna hear.
"Embry, lunch time!"
Nawaglit ang pagbabalik-tanaw ko nang marinig ang boses ni Annunzio, he was standing near the wide sliding door on the porch. Napalunok ako at mabilis tumayo mula sa swing para lumapit, he held me on my shoulders and smiled.
"How's the book?"
"It's fine." I said flatly.
His eyes squinted. "You like romance book more than a chicklit, huh?"
Namilog ang mga mata ko.
"Hindi, ah!"
"Stop reading romance book, okay? You're having too much idea..."
I shrugged. "Mabuti nga at may ideya ako."
He grunts. "It's not good, you're still young."
"Not in mind." I shook my head and smiled.
He rolled his eyes sluggishly with a sigh, humagikgik ako at kumapit na sa kanyang braso habang papasok ng dining area. The area was filled with our relatives, there are long tables for everyone. Nakita ko roon ang mga bagong dating, kausap ni Mommy habang nag-aayos ng mga pagkain sa lamesa, the olders were moving to do the chores around. Pinaupo na ako ni Annunzio, ginala ko ang tingin at namataan ko si Clairvaux na nakikipagtawanan sa mga kalapit niyang relatives namin. They're sitting in front of me, sa aking gilid ay pinaupo na rin ni Zio si Tatty.
"Magkaaway kayo?" pabulong na tanong ni Zio sa akin ukol kay Clairvaux. "Ngayon ko lang napansin, ang tagal na niyang hindi nagagawi sa bahay."
Marahan akong umirap. "That's life, may aalis at may papalit."
He smirked.
"Make up with her, maybe you're just lack of communication."
"She's living in Manila now."
"Yeah, that's why you're lack of communication."
"Matagal na kaming magkaaway." I said. "Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit siya nakikiisa ngayon dito."
"What do you mean?" Statice said blankly.
"She's backstabbing the family tradition."
She nods. "Just like what you're doing."
My eyes broadened and I glared at her, Zio chortled.
"No, she's doing it so bad. She turned me down in front of her friends, could you believe that? At least, I'm not backstabbing the family in a way I'd shame her. In fact, I just helped her out and that happened... ako pa ang masama, ako pa ang pinahiya niya. She's like a dog, thirsty for some cats to be friends with." I sissed inaudibly.
Zio flinched, Tatty sighed.
"And now you're backstabbing her." Tatty said.
Gusto kong kurutin si Statice sa sobrang iritasyon, bakit ba napakakontra niya? Umaasa ako na magsasalita siya at ipagtatanggol ako pero bakit ganito? What did I do bad to deserve this treatment from a sister? Annunzio is really way better than her.
"Atis..." Zio reviled quietly.
"Ganoon din naman siya sa akin, fair lang kami." I countered back.
Our lunch started, ang matatanda ay nagkukunwentuhan at ang iba ay tahimik. Kami lang ni Zio ang nag-uusap kung minsan, sila Clairvaux ay maingay din na nag-uusap habang naghahagikgikan. Hindi ako mapakali sa aking inuupuan, tuwing nakikita ko ang sulyapan sa akin nila Clairvaux ay nacoconcious ako. She learned how to put colors on her face now, mayroon siyang pampapula ng labi kaya mas nadepina iyon sa kanyang kulay. Her outfit is not the same anymore like me, she's now wearing a fitted red shirt that's hugging her curves and a ripped high-waisted shorts. She looks so nice and sexy.
Ngumuso ako at simpleng binabaan ng tingin ang aking suot, Zio chose this pair of baby pink turtle neck sweater and a black jeans. Ilang araw na kami rito at halos pare-parehas lang ang mga suot ko, kundi dress ay simple shirt o jumper.
Si Clairvaux ay nakikipagsabayan na sa mga dalaga naming pinsan, pati ang pag-uugali niya ay parang normal na dalaga na rin. Mukhang maganda ang dulot ng Maynila sa kanya dahil may natutunan siyang pagmamature, sana hindi lang sa itsura. Pati utak at pag-uugali rin sana. I hope she learned how to handle friendship over a family and a best friend...
My heart wrenched at that. Bukod kay Rekta ay si Clairvaux lang ang pinakamatalik kong naging kaibigan. I missed our daily talk, laughters and moments but as what I've said, that's life. Nawalan man ako ng bestfriend ay may pumalit namang mas nakakaintindi at mas kinakampihan ako!
Sa mga sumunod na araw ay wala pa rin akong gana, may mga kumakausap at nagyayaya sa aking lumabas para pumasyal pero hindi ako sumasama. Nasa iisang kuwarto ang bawat pamilya kaya sa silid ay naririndi pa rin ako sa mga paalala ni Mommy tungkol sa makikilala kong Adello Zobel sa linggong ito.
"Ma, can you just move it? She's just sixteen at hindi iyan ang usapan, you will make her meet the one for her when she turned eighteen." iritadong sambit ni Annunzio.
Nanatili akong nakaupo sa harapan ng malaking salamin habang sinusuklay ni Mommy ang aking buhok, she was standing behind my chair. She's making russian braids. Nahinto siya at nilingon si Zio.
"It'd be nice for them to meet now. The early, the better they'll get to know each other."
"Bakit kasi masyadong matanda ang pinares mo? Parang kuya na niya iyon! Mas matanda pa sa akin."
"So you'd want Adello for Statice, instead?" Mom challenged.
Annunzio's tension weakened, his eyes turned like a glare.
"I can't believe you!"
Mom sighed. "You'll meet Adello, too. You can talk to him nicely, hindi siya masamang tao kaya nga pabor na ang ama mo."
Nagyuko ng ulo si Annunzio habang nakatingin sa kanya, mariin niyang pinikit ang mga mata at hinilot ang tulay ng ilong.
"You were once in her situation, as a young girl... did you like it, Ma?" he asked quietly. "Wala na nga siyang kalayaan habang nagdadalaga, ngayon puputulin mo pa lalo sa pagpapakilala ng pakakasalan niya agad? I can't just believe you right now. You're too much. Isa pa na Zobel din ang ipapares mo, you're getting weirder."
My eyes broadened at him as my heart shredded, he's always helping me out when it comes to this. Hindi lang ako makapaniwala dahil siguradong masasaktan na naman siya ni Mommy dahil doon. Ayaw ko iyon, ayaw kong masaktan si Annunzio dahil sa pagtatanggol sa akin. I can be whatever Mom wants, I'm still a kid afterall I'd learn things to live in this family tradition. He doesn't need to always catch me because this is my fate.
Namilog ang mga mata ni Mommy at agad pinamulahan sa galit bago pa siya makagawa ng hakbang ay lumapit na si Zio at nagyuko ng ulo sa harapan niya.
"I said what I said, I won't apologize. You can slap me now for being disrespectful." he said quietly.
Suminghap ako, my chest twisted painfully. Mabilis akong tumayo mula sa inuupuan ko at tumabi kay Zio.
"Mommy, he didn't mean that. Magkakilala kami ni Adello ngayon, there's no problem knowing the man for me. Huwag mo nang saktan si Zio." mabilis kong agap nang umigkas ang kamay ni Mommy.
I'm taller than her now and I can shield her hand but I won't hold her, mas lalo siyang magagalit na ganoon kaya humarang na lamang ako sa harapan ni Zio pero ang nanginginig niyang kamay ay napasapo na lamang sa kanyang mukhang namumula sa galit dahil sa ginawa ko. I'm scared to be hurt physically but I couldn't let her hurt Zio for helping me out.
"Umalis ka rito, Annunzio." mariing bigkas ni Mommy.
Suminghap si Annunzio at hinila ang braso ko para makalabas ng silid pero nahila na rin ako ni Mommy, my arm hurt at Mom's grip. Annunzio's brow furrowed while looking at her, I smiled at him.
"Dito muna ako, Zio. Hindi pa tapos ang buhok ko." kalmado kong sinabi.
His jaw clenched tightly, tumingin siya sa kamay ni Mommy sa aking braso at muling nagalit ang mga mata. Mabilis niyang binitiwan ang braso ko at walang salitang lumabas, iyon din ang pagbitiw ni Mommy. Pasimple akong bumuga ng hangin at naupo ulit sa harapan ng salamin. Mommy was watching me sternly but eyes turned soft for a brief moment of silence before continuing braiding my hair from behind.
Mabuti pa na umalis na lang siya bago pa magbago ang isip ni Mommy sa pananampal sa kanya. Nakakainis din siya, e. Puwede namang pagbigyan na lang si Mommy sa gusto nito, we both know that she was stressed about our father. And this can be a help for her to calm down, following her commands will make her happy in some ways.
"Maybe I'm not showing anything... but I truly love you, my children."
I was stunned by her sudden talk, she's not looking at me. Abala lamang sa pag-aayos ng aking buhok at kalmado ang ekspresyon. This is the first time I heard her saying the word of affection, for us. That made my heart flutter, as a daughter... it makes me feel so soft and warm.
"I let you see the shapes in this family while growing in our tradition to get you ready because that's the only destination. Hindi lang naman sa inyo, ganoon din sa amin. Kung paano kami lumaki ng ganito at nagkapamilyang maayos, dahil iisa tayo ng kinagisnan. For others, it's weird but for me... it was never weird and shameful. I grew up having this tradition and I've seen how it worked for us. Money and power is the first thing needed in this life, the family made this big and adopt abandoned children to have a better life inside this home, it wasn't wrong to love someone with the same name as long as it would give you the life you deserve and I want the best for my children."
She sighed and continued.
"Hindi magkakamag-anak, hindi magkakadugo. Iyon ang linya ng mga pinapares, may pare-parehong apelyido at pamilya pero hindi naging mali iyon sa batas. I hope you and your brother understand that fact in this tradition like Statice. Adello is a son of the adopted cousin of your father from Zobels, I'm not sure which degree but it's already far from Amadeo's family and clearly not blood related."
Hindi ako nalulungkot doon, naiintindihan ko ang tradisyon at ayaw ko man dito ay namuhay na ako para sundin ang yapak na iyon. Kung may kinalulungkot ako, hindi tungkol sa pamilyang ito at destinasyon ko kundi para kay Rekta at sa aming katapusan. We won't be together for too long, we cannot marry each other in the end of everything because I'm not for him as he's not for me. We're not the main characters in this book or maybe I am the main but he's not the end chapter of my story. Umpisa pa lamang ng aking libro ay alam ko nang hindi siya para sa akin at hindi kami para sa isa't isa kahit gustuhin.
That night, I found myself sitting on a fancy chair in front of the round table in some luxurious restaurant located in Bracelona with my family and Adelia Zobel's family for formal dinner. We're waiting for the food and Daddy's arrival, ang dinig ko'y sabay silang tutungo ni Adello Zobel dito mula pa sa Manila. Sinundo ni Daddy sa airport at handa na itong dinner simula pa noong nakaraan, Mommy assured me that this dinner isn't for arrangement but just a formal dinner with these Zobels. May isang kapatid si Adello na babae, kasing edad ko lamang. I also heard that Adelia's husband is dead.
"Uh-hm, I have a partner from Romanov's." tahimik at pormal na dinig kong sabi ni Adelia Zobel.
Mom nodded. "At least, you won't be able to have a child with his name."
"Yes, and it's just casualties between us. A diversion partner in life since I've completed a family already." Adelia smiled.
Mas matanda lang yata siya ng ilang taon kay Mommy. Medyo hindi ko nakuha ang kanilang usapan, Adelia's obviously having another partner after her husband's death and that's from another family! Hindi Zobel o Azcon, I didn't know it was acceptable.
"Is it okay to Adello and Deila?"
"They're fine with it."
"Sabagay, mayaman naman ang pamilyang iyon." si Mommy.
Nilingon ko si Annunzio, abala naman sila Mommy sa pag-uusap kaya puwede siguro akong bumulong ng tanong. Kailangan ko lang talagang malinawan sa parteng iyon na parang suway sa batas. Hindi kaya?
He was quietly tracing the lips of his glass of water using his finger.
"Zio..." I whispered.
He gazed at me, until now he looks guilty. Lumapit pa ako.
"Narinig mo iyon? May boyfriend siya ngayon dahil patay na ang asawa niya, puwede pala iyon?"
He nods and sighs. "Hindi na sila puwedeng mag-asawa ulit ng Zobel o Azcon pagtapos ng isang napakasalan. They can choose a partner outside the family as long as they won't produce an offspring."
Kumunot ang noo ko.
"Bakit ganoon?"
He smirked blankly. "The family culture will be more disgusting if she chooses another man in our family."
"I mean, nag-aasawa pa talaga sila pagkamatay ng asawa nila? Ilan na ang ganyang nangyari?"
Hindi ako makapaniwala roon, ngayon ko lang narinig ang ganitong kaso sa tradisyon kaya bagong-bago sa akin. May Abuela kami na nawalan ng asawa't anak dahil sa trahedya pero hindi na siya nag-asawa muli.
He inhaled massively.
"Iyong mga maagang nawalan lang ng asawa ang nakakaisip noon dahil malungkot mag-isang mamuhay. You see, Lola Emma didn't have any man after losing her family tragically, she said she's too old for that romantic relationship now and for Auntie Adelia, she's still young to mourn for life about her husband's death. Nasa batas na iyon ng tradisyon. She can have a partner in life, but she can't have a child with another man or maybe she could, pero sa kanya pa rin ipapangalan ang bata."
Kumulubot lalo ang noo ko sa kaguluhan at pagkagulat sa mga nalalaman.
"The family tradition should live like a virus, they want it to be bigger and wider infinitely without a weakness. Kailangan munang magpakasal, magkapamilya at mamuhay sa loob nito hanggang sa may mamatay na isa at doon pa lang makakawala sa batas na puwedeng mamili ng gusto sa labas ng pamilya." he said in a low voice that made me shiver.
Nakakalungkot naman iyon, huminga ako nang malalim.
"P-Pero nagmamahalan ba talaga sila? O para lang sa tradisyon ang lahat?" mas mahina ang boses ko, nanghihina rin ako roon.
Naiisip ko ang aking sariling katayuan, paano kung para sa tradisyon lang ang lahat? Kaya ba nakuha pa ni Daddy na mambabae dahil hindi niya minahal si mommy kahit kailan? Nagtitiis lang siya? Hindi ba puwedeng kasama ang pagmamahal sa tradisyon? I mean if I marry Adello Zobel, I will surely try to fall in love because I want to have a family with love and affection. I want to build a family like our family... pero minahal nga ba ni Daddy si Mommy? Minahal ba siya ni Mommy? Why are they requesting an annulment after having us? Kasi puwede na silang makawala sa batas at makapili ng kanilang gugustuhin sa labas nito? Ang sakit naman ng ganoon, paano na ang mga anak?
Annunzio shrugged a bit while looking at me straightly.
"I don't know, we can't be sure about it. Siguro, some of them and some are only for the tradition." he smiles sadly. "My real mom had me from another man, hindi Zobel o Azcon. Walang nakakaalam dahil sinalo ako ni Mama bilang tunay na anak. Naniniwala ako na mahal ng tunay kong ina ang ama ko dahil hindi siya mula sa Zobel o Azcon, she betrayed the family for my father."
Kumurap-kurap ako at nanikip ang pakiramdam sa katotohanang iyon na tila hindi na kailanman mahuhukay, marahan niyang kinurot ang pisngi ko at humingang malalim.
"Because we can't choose who we like and fall in love with... tradition can never dictate it, I'm just lucky that I have Atis with the same feelings." he said. "Don't worry, I know you're very lovable and no one can resist it. You'll have the love you deserve. Kung hindi, gagawa tayo ng paraan para kumawala." he smiled to assure me.