"Why did you do that?" When this question left Andrew's mouth I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth.
At the same time I wished I knew the answer to it but sadly I didn't.
"I got a little distracted in my thoughts and I didn't notice where I was going... That's all." I stated as confidently as I could after I exhaled in order to seem relaxed.
"Was it because of that hug?" He completely ignored my statement. I suppose because it was unbelievable. "That meant nothing... I can't understand why you would behave so irrationally without coming to me first and asking me what happened."
"I'm telling you that I don't care about the stupid hug." I rolled my eyes in annoyance. "It may be hard to believe but the world doesn't revolve around you..."
"See, I knew you were mad at me..." Andrew looked at me with a concerned but timid facial expression. "What can I do that will make you believe me?"
"Ugh..." I sighed thinking of the ways how I would be able to avoid this conversation because of how frustrated and confused I was in that moment. "It's not your fault, okay? I was just a bit preoccupied..."
Andrew didn't pay attention to my words yet again. Instead he started closing the distance between us which seemed very intimidating for me in that moment because of how unstable I was feeling. Once he placed his slightly sweaty hands on my outfit I felt even more uncomfortable.
"Maybe this will change your mind..." He added softly before leaning down and pushing his lips forward.
"No... What are you doing? Stop!" I demanded but it was too late to resist.
Our lips connected...
This experience was very different from the previous one. There were no sparks or fireworks in my mind. I couldn't enjoy the moment unlike the last time this happened.
All I felt was him roughly trying to make me open my mouth. I resisted as long as I could. I even tried to push him away at one point but none of my attempts ended successfully.
His hands were restricting my movement so I couldn't escape from his grip.
He finally got the best of me and my lips disconnected from each other. Once he pushed his tongue in the front I tried to block it and then bit his lower lip.
"Ouch..." Andrew got the message and took a step back at last. "What was that for?"
"When I say no it means no!" I raised my voice. "What the hell is your problem?"
"I'm sorry... I just..." He touched his injured lip. Thankfully I didn't bite him hard enough to make him bleed. "I thought I would be able to clear up the situation this way."
"You thought forcing yourself onto me somehow would make me feel better? Are you crazy?" I rolled my eyes.
"I was only trying to calm you down." Andrew tried to defend his behavior.
"I'm sorry, Andrew, I've been feeling really weird lately and I don't know what's wrong with me."
I stated as I relaxed a bit more.
"What do you mean?" Andrew asked, raising his eyebrow suspiciously.
"I guess I'm just frustrated that nothing's going the way I want it to. I'm with you. I should be happy. Why am I not happy? I don't understand."
"Is it because of something I did?" He asked.
"I'm just so not used to this. Everyone has such high expectations for me. They want me to be a good friend, a good student, a good grandson and a good boyfriend meanwhile I'm so terrified I'll end up disappointing one of those people. I'm just not used to taking that sort of responsibility. I never had to care about things like that when I was living with my parents but now it's all different. I know that all they want is for me to be happy but even that puts so much pressure on me. It just kills me from the inside knowing that other people might be sad whenever they see me sad and I can't even process my own feelings because I'm too afraid to hurt them..."
"I can help you..." Andrew's hopeful tone wasn't enough to cheer me up unfortunately. "I want to help you."
"I'm afraid of letting you down the most..." I backed away. "I know you love me and I'm trying my best to return your feelings. I just don't know how."
"But why?" Andrew's disappointed voice was something I desperately didn't want to hear.
I know I'm letting him down but what else can I do?
It's such a huge burden knowing he's unhappy because of what I said but I just can't feel what I'm not feeling...
I can't lie anymore...
I have to be honest.
"I don't know..." I exhaled roughly. "I'm just so confused."
"You seemed fine to me the last time we talked. What changed?" Andrew seemed disoriented.
"I'm so sorry." I couldn't look him in the eye. "I know you've been so patient with me and you deserve better."
"Is there something I can do?" Andrew asked
"Can you please give me a little bit more time?" I felt so awful saying that, knowing how long he had already waited. "Just give me two weeks..." I finally made a decision. "If I don't give an answer to you by then that means you don't have to wait for me anymore... Or if you don't want to wait at all I guess we can just go our separate ways from now on..."
It was hard saying those words out loud but I knew it wouldn't be righteous to ask Andrew to be patient with me for longer than that. He was also a person with real emotions. I also had to take that into the consideration.
I understood what he was asking from me but I wasn't sure if I would be able to give that to him so asking him to wait for indefinitely would be very unethical and selfish.
"No... I'll wait..." Andrew quickly agreed to my 'plan' which was surprising. "But are you sure there's no way I'll be able to help you? I feel like I'm not doing enough."
"You've already done more than enough." I said. "I just don't think it's fair to you to be treated like this. You deserve someone who can fully embrace your love and until I become that person I don't think our relationship will work out. I need to find out who I am as an individual before I start dating because I'm afraid that it might fail. I don't want our relationship to end because of me. I want it to last for a really, really long time."
"Ugh..." Andrew was trying his hardest to hide how frustrated he was but I could still see he wasn't particularly happy with the way things turned out. "You know that all I want is you to be happy and if you say you need me to stay away from you then I'll respect your wish... Even though I really don't want to do that..."
I was honestly not expecting him to be this considerate and tender with my proposal because the old Andrew would never do that. But I guess I should have already forgotten about the old Andrew because he was someone I thought I knew when in reality he was hiding his true identity just like me.
I'm probably being hypocritical when I'm asking him to wait for me. I mean I was the one who got angry when I found out he didn't reveal his true feelings towards me earlier but now he's being so nice and I can't even accept his devotion.
Ugh... I'm a mess, aren't I?
"I'm sorry but I really have to go back now..." I mentioned once I recalled the incident that recently occurred to me. "I really don't want to sound rude but this is urgent..."
"Oh..." Andrew seemed disappointed but he tried to disguise his real emotions. "I'll walk you to your car then..."
"Uh... okay." I murmured under my breath.
The walk was remarkably awkward. Thankfully at least it didn't last for very long. Once I noticed Tiffany's car I finally felt like I could breathe again.
I was about to open the door when Andrew stopped me.
He put his hands on my shoulder and made me look at his eyes. "Are you gonna be okay? Please, at least tell me that much..."
I was unable to answer. I wished I could have told him that everything was going to be fine and I would get through this. But I didn't even know what was wrong with me... I mean I had an idea but I didn't want to scare him in case I was mistaken.
I didn't want to maintain the eye contact because I knew I wasn't going to be able to resist the temptation. I just slid my hands behind his back and stabilized my head on his chest.
I couldn't dare to move from that position because I was afraid he would see my teary eyes and think that I was weak.
I may have come across as a shallow or an insensitive person but being vulnerable was something I still had to learn.
When I finally felt comfortable enough to disconnect my body from him I tried to avoid looking into his deep and captivating gaze.
I swiftly got inside the car and wore the seatbelt.
"Hey..." Trying my hardest not to burst out crying I turned to Tiffany who was patiently waiting for me sitting on the driver's seat. "Can you take me home...?"
"Um... of course..." She started the engine with a simple motion and soon the vehicle was ready to leave this place.
I glanced at my right to look at Andrew one last time before we'd part our ways and placed my hand on the window.
He grinned sadly and waved his palm till the car drove away from the parking lot.
I felt so heartbroken because of all the trouble I've caused for others. I didn't want to be tactless but unfortunately I was in no position to think about everyone else. I had to take care of my own life which was turned into a disaster.
I really wanted to talk to someone.
Not just anyone though...
There was only one person I wanted to share my headaches. That person was my old friend Felicity.
I wished I could call her and tell her all about my day because I knew she would never judge me. She may not have been able to help me but she was such a good listener that just seeing her eyes would have honestly been more than enough.
But unfortunately the only way I would be able to communicate with her was via text message and that was just insufficient. I wanted to actually look at her face while I was talking to her and rest my head on her thigh while she would be playing with my hair.
That was probably weird and obviously impossible so I dismissed the idea in order to think of something more realistic.
Soon I came up with another plan but this time I was determined to make it come true. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and started typing something. Once I received a text back which confirmed everything, I turned my face towards Tiffany to ask her something.
"Hey, Tiffany..." I spoke up embarrassedly. "Can you take me to Tae-soo's house instead of my own?"
"Oh..." She seemed a little startled from my question. "Sure... but is there something wrong?"
"No!" I proclaimed. "Tae-soo just asked me if I could help him with homework... That's all."
"Oh... I can help him too if he wants..." Tiffany tried to be of an assistance.
"That's really not necessary..." I obviously didn't want her to come so I made up a most believable lie I could think of. "Your parents will be super worried if you don't get home for so long... Besides he needs help with math and you're not exactly the top student when it comes to that subject."
"Ew... Don't ever mention math in my car again..." She joked to ease the tension. "This is my stress free zone and math is not allowed in here!"
"My apologies!" I also went with the joke.
The rest of the car ride was actually pretty smooth. I didn't think Tiffany suspected anything. We were just listening to some of our favorite songs the whole time so I didn't have to worry about sounding suspicious.
When we finally arrived to our destination I was about to open the door and leave her car but she touched my arm with her hand and made me turn around.
"Um..." Tiffany sounded a little puzzled at first but she soon regained her confidence. "Did you guys have a fight because I took you to his game?" I quickly realize that she was referring to Andrew. "Was I overstepping my boundaries? Or was it inappropriate for me to force you to go there? I just feel guilty because I think you fought because of me..."
"No... It wasn't your fault." I assured her. "And we didn't fight. In fact everything was very civil..."
"I feel like you're just saying that to make me feel better but you don't actually mean it." Tiffany didn't seem convinced with my argument. "You can tell me the truth... Do you hate me now because I ruined your relationship?"
"Stop saying that! You didn't ruin anything." I couldn't stand watching her beat herself over something I was responsible for. "Andrew and I are fine..." I didn't mean to be rude but I was kind of in a hurry so I tried to cut it short. "Listen, I gotta go now but I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay." Tiffany smiled warmly. "See you then."
"Bye." I got out from her car and waited for her to leave before approaching Tae-soo's house.
Once I knocked on his door I was so terrified that I wanted to run away from there but I knew I needed to talk to someone or I would go insane.
The door finally open after an agonizing few moments. I saw my friend who had a concerned look on his face.
"Hey!" He greeted me with a polite smile. "What was your text about? Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not..." Admitting this out loud, especially to someone else, was harder than I thought. This meant that I wouldn't be able to go back to my safe zone but unfortunately there were no safe zones left for me anymore. "I think there's something wrong with me..."
"What are you talking about?" Tae-soo opened his eyes wider than usual which would have probably been funny if the situation wasn't so strained.
"I'm afraid I..." It was even harder for me to confess about my issues. "I think I have dementia..."
"What?" My friend was genuinely disturbed by the information I just relayed. "Do you have problems with your memory?"
"Yeah..." I gulped and finally responded. "Maybe I have Alzheimer's disease..."
"You mean like your grandfather?" Tae-soo was definitely just as confused as me. "But that makes no sense. You're only seventeen. Alzheimer's disease only affects to old people..."
"I'm just saying that because all the symptoms I'm experiencing feel familiar." I was on a verge to cry. "Grandpa also had this sort of mood swings and memory problems before he passed away..."
"This is ridiculous. Just get inside for a second. I'll go grab my jacket and take you to a doctor who can actually tell us what's really happening to you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Writing this chapter was such a pain. I actually rewrote it two times but it still turned out to be a hot mess. Ugh... I really wanted to make it better but my brain isn't functioning normally anymore because of how exhausted I am.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this one and thank you very much for reading!