Chapter 18 - not proofread, sorry
‘Dear, Kat.
Dad said you’re talking to him. Good girl. I wish you’d talk to me, after everything I did for you. Don’t you think that you’re being a bit childish? I’m doing ten years because of you and this is the thanks I get, ignorance.
They confiscated your picture, called me sick and delusional. Apparently, a pretty girl like you would never go for a monster like me. I guess that’s why they called it rape; they think you’re too good for me. You should come and see me. See what they’ve done to me, just because of you. This is your fault, you should be paying for it. And you will, as soon as I’m out, everything they did to me, I’ll do to you.
Steven came to see me and said that he’s seen you around. I told him he could have a free ride, your payment to him, so expect him around soon. Deny him and pay for it, I’m fed up with sticking up for you, Kat, you’re too weak. Too easy. Too pretty. You’re ‘too’ everything. And I love you far too much for my own good. See you soon, my sweet.
Love, Finn x
I felt like I was going to throw up. Dropping the letter into the box with the rest of them, I buried my face into my hands. Expect him around soon. The words echoed around and around in my head, speeding my heart up and making my pulse thrive on the fear.
He was meant to be gone. Away. Leaving me alone. I was meant to be safe. And there I was, cowering in the abandoned stall at the very back of the yard. He can never get you again, they told me. That was it, the caged tears started to flow, escaping after weeks of being held captive, almost as if they couldn’t wait to get out.
Harley wasn’t going to protect me and my mother couldn’t, either. If I went to the police, the boys would come and send a message, or worse. Trembling followed shortly after the nausea, making my throat close up. The familiar signs of a panic attack haunted me, circling my body like a predator until it struck. The numbness felt good, so did the lack of air. That was what I deserved, nothing. A strangled sob charged from my lips, which were buried into my shaking knees.
The hay around me was moving and whining when I moved my weight to rest against the wall. My short breaths were becoming faster, hurting my already tightened chest. It made me wonder if Finn’s chest felt like that when he explained how it felt having a broken heart. He didn’t know the definition of broken, hurt or afraid. He was fine, calm and in charge. He was OK and always had been.
The room around me closed, offering an embrace when I closed my eyes, trying to make the panic go away. The therapist had taught me to control my breathing and how to calm myself down. At last, after letting the panic attack leave its affect, I took a few deep breaths, letting the oxygen roam my lungs.
He can have a free ride. I wanted to be sick, I needed to be sick. Getting up with shaky knees, I walked to the door and keeled over, bile rising in my throat. Nothing came, unsurprisingly and I dropped onto the floor again, glancing over my shoulder at the box of carefully kept letters. All twelve of them.
Shredding them would do no good. There would be no proof of my torture and he would only write me more. My mum had gone back up to Somerset, this time with Blue to ride him in competitions of her own. Dad had offered to stay around but I’d politely declined, asking Jenna over instead.
As promised, she’d dumped Dean and had moved onto trying to entice Spencer, who was rebounding. We’d had a good night; it reminded me of the old times. I hadn’t had a sleepover with her since I was thirteen. Finn told me that if she didn’t keep getting in the way, he’d enjoy us both. That was enough of a warning for me, I’d told Jenna that I couldn’t have sleepovers anymore.
“Kat?” I turned my head at the sound of the soft voice. My eyes were still watery and I sighed, running my hands down my face, starting to get up.
“Stay there,” he insisted, dropping onto the floor next to me. Over the past week, Eli and I had been working on touching. I’d hugged him and my mother once each and had held Eli’s hand frequently. I was getting there. The other night, Mum had rubbed my back and touched my hair. I’d flinched, which I think hurt her feelings, but I didn’t cower like I used to. I even visited the therapist and he gave me a good review.
Eli didn’t say anything, just let me hesitantly rest my head on his shoulder.
“They’re coming back for me,” I whispered. Eli stiffened. Pushing myself back up, I stretched my legs out in front of my, staring at my feet.
“Who?” he asked. His voice was quiet, almost as if he was worried he’d scare me off if he spoke too loudly.
“Steven.” Eli scratched his head, twisting to face me. He must’ve noticed my red and swollen eyes as he winced before he grabbed my hand. Tentatively soothing my skin.
“Start from the beginning.” I sighed, not saying anything as I got to my feet and walked inside the shed. Eli looked after me curiously, his eyes narrowed in wonder. I picked up the box and sat down in front of him, crossing my legs.
Eli peered into the box and then took out the creased pieces of paper, starting from the bottom. I watched his expression carefully as he sifted through, it never changed. His face remained blank as he looked through all of the letters. That was until he reached the one on top. Then he winced and looked up at me, his eyes full of shock.
“No matter what I do, I can’t escape from it, Eli. He’s always going to get me. Now it’s going to happen all over again,” I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I can’t do it anymore.” Eli took a deep breath and shook his head.
“You don’t have to. Take this to the police,” he said. I widened my eyes and flicked the box with my toe.
“I can’t.” He looked at me for a moment before curling one of his knees up and resting his forearm on it.
“That’s just a thought, a worry,” he said. I just looked at him, rolling my lip into my mouth.
“I’ve received a death threat, Eli, it’s more than just a worry.” He looked at the floor before meeting my eyes again.
“When I was a kid, Mum wasn’t all that bad with her disorder. In fact, I didn’t even know that she was ill. One day, she got mad,” he paused, giving me a meaningful look. “Really mad. How she gets when she doesn’t take the medication,” he finished. For a moment, he said nothing, until he continued. “She kicked me out. I was about seven and she kicked me out, told me I wasn’t to be around her, I was a disappointment. I didn’t know she was ill so thought she meant it and ran away to the police station, asking them if they could help me get back home.
Anyway, they said that they’d help and asked me if there was someone that could come and get me. I said about my uncle and they rang him. After that, they took Mum away. I didn’t see her for about six months, but when she came back she was fine. She wasn’t angry, sad or jittery. She was just Mum,” he trailed off, smiling to himself. It was like he forgot that I was there.
He looked up and met my eyes.
“She said that the services were bad people but I went anyway and I was safe, they sorted everything out.” I nodded, silently agreeing with him.
“You don’t understand,” I said quietly and he leaned forwards, gently capturing my hand in his again.
“Kat, I’m here for you, just tell me,” he whispered. I pulled my hand away and sighed, shaking my head.
“I know and I’m sorry, but I can’t. This is something that I have to do on my own.” He looked disappointed but then got to his feet.
“How about we just go for a ride or some coffee, then?” he asked. I smiled, wiping my eyes again with my sleeves, before joining him.
“Sounds like a good idea. Maybe both? Take a race on the beach?” he grinned, nodding. I matched his stride as we walked towards the horses.
“You know, I take you out more than I used to take my girlfriend out,” he taunted, shooting me a smirk. I smiled.
“I rarely get taken out, so I’m honoured,” I responded, filing into the tack room. Eli stopped, leaning on the door, studying me. I raised a questioning eyebrow and he smiled, strolling in to find Scrabble’s saddle.
“You should be.” I smiled, grabbing Harley’s tack and walking out in front of him, smiling to myself. If there was anything that could keep my mind off Finn and the fact that the police didn’t know the whole story, it was Eli and a ride to the beach.
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