My stomach twists along with an unexpected heat flash. It crawls over my skin like the chill of an unexpected fever and pulls at my sense of nausea.
My breath is stuck for a moment before I reply spitefully, "I did not die. I fled."
I should be relieved he guessed wrong, but instead I feel uncomfortable. Why did I add that last part? I had no reason to say that. It didn't concern him. Why would I-
"You died on that battlefield. You who toss your life into the air recklessly and place yourself in the most danger... you were supposed to flee?" His voice is mocking... but I don't understand why.
"No... I fled."
"Why are you lying? Someone dragged you off while the rest of your men died?" His green eyes piece me with ire as my surroundings grow fuzzy.
"That is enough," I sneer out at him and move a hand from one of his wrists. This feels wrong, my view is swimming and everything feels distant. I need to calm down. Take in the scenery... the sounds... the light.... the colo-
"You are still stuck on that battlefield every summer, aren't you?!"
His voice echoes fuzzily like the sounds are separating themselves from the world...
Quiet...
Be quiet... don't pull me back to that...
"Did you want to die with them so badly you cannot face anyone else properly?! You need to let them in! You cannot lock yourself away and hide from it! Face it!"
"SILENCE!" I finally scream back at him and vaguely realize that his free hand is on my shoulder. I... can't feel it. Am I being shaken?
"I fled! I wasn't carried off! That wasn't me! I abandoned them! I was poisoned by the enemy and died! I- I-!"
My vision began to darken, but his eyes widen in shock at this point.
"You're lying... One of the survivors killed you?"
Only those words were all too clear. There had only been one survivor of my men. One very important person to me. Those words he spoke were the only words I could not bare to hear, so I closed my eyes tightly and everything went black.
"....Lily?"
"Lily!"
...
"Rei-chui?!"
....rei?
"Rei-chui!"
My darkened view brightened in an instant to the bright yellow armor of my subordinate. Haruki-Gunso.
"Chui!"
Haruki?
My body moves on its own as Haruki lifts me to my feet with a strong pull. He's covered in blood from countless of friends and foes alike, and his other arm dangles loosely from his shoulder. If not for the massive amounts of blood then his bone would be showing. The smell of death hangs heavy in the air along with the smell of oil and burnt hair and flesh.
The air is heavy with smoke and the sound of screams drowns out everything else. Only this golden colored smoke and the red bodies beneath my feet remains.
Aiko is beneath my feet. She was cut down in front of me before I blacked out. Her face is still distorted in a berserker's wrathful expression, but tears steam from her lifeless eyes.
Yoshio is over there... and his head has disappeared among the lifeless bodies.
"THE GATES ARE OPENING! THEY'RE COMING!"
A roar cuts through the screams from a bit further ahead. Haruki stares at me with a determined look and then puts his hand on my shoulder, just for a moment... and still my knees nearly buckle with exhaustion. I can't tell how much of the blood on my body is mine anymore... I think most of it.
"You should return, Rei-chui. You are too valuable to lose here. I will hold them off."
He puts his katana in the hand of the arm he can still swing and then looks to the side.
Kenta leaps at the enemy samurai and with a roar cuts off the her hand at the wrist. With her now unarmed he slices her throat.
"Kenta! Take her back!"
"I refuse!" I scream back at the top of my lungs, and Haruki gives me a faint smile.
"Then I will go to death for disobeying my superior and devote my remaining time to protecting her."
He's so high on adrenaline he can't feel the pain anymore. He's gone numb.
Kenta lifts me up into his arms easily, though deep gashes in his armor reveals how injured he is.
"Put me down! Kenta!" I screech at him as he sets into a run...
Haruki turns around to face the enemy, but his sword hand is not his dominant one. He's going to die like everyone else. There's no one else. Haruki and Kenta are the last ones.
Takumi and Asahi died to the rains of arrows.
Yukio and Matsumune ended up drenched in oil and burned up alive while approaching the wall.
Oiwa and Yuna died at the end of spears... Tsukio pieced herself further to cut down the foe before she died.
All of them are gone in the roaring flames and masses of bodies.
I will not leave them.
"NO! Put me down! I must protect them! I will not leave them! I can still fight!" I screech while ripping and clawing at Kenta's armored back... but he doesn't answer...
"Kenta! I order you!" I fight against his hold desperately, but I'm too exhausted to put up a struggle.
"I CANNOT!" He screams back at me.
"I will not let you die here! I cannot let you! I've sworn to protect you, no matter what!" He vows such to me while moving over the piles of bodies clad in yellow and blue.
"No!" I scream back once more... but Haruki is already out of sight. Enveloped in the thick smoke where he will die and rest along with everyone else.
"Aoko, Aoko had twitched, she- she might still-!"
"You cannot do anything right now, Rei!"
---*---
"Rei...?"
Where....
Kenta watches me with exhaustion on his face.
Where did I go just now?
I am in court... but all the seats became empty without me noticing anything...
Kenta presses his lips together in a bitter line.
I slipped again... and in public... this... won't look good...
"We're going to the Scorpion lands."
I see... I've slipped too much so I'm taken off the battlefield...
"Rei?"
"...I understand."
---*---
I tried to speak, but all that came out was crimson red liquid.
I tried to stand, but desperately grasped at my burning throat as I stumbled.
No way!
Why?
Why was this happening?! The enemy?!
I turned towards my wakizashi, but I slumped weakly to the floor as my vision got starry and darkened in an instant.
The pain didn't stop ripping at the entirety of my body. It was like I was being melted inside out, and I could hear a panicked scream nearby. More voices followed, but they grew distant and quiet... only a flash of bright yellow armor stood out in my darkening world.
...
..
.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."
It wasn't Kenta's voice.
With the darkening memory of my death I slowly wake again. I feel warm and uncomfortable. My head hurts and my body is trembling with exhaustion.
Lionel?
We are both on the ground. Our fingers are interlaced tightly enough to make his knuckles turn white, and our arms are pressed so tightly around me that I can just barely breathe. My legs are stretched out on the floor in front of me... but I can't move. I'm stuck between my locked arms and his body while he's chanting... and my nails and fingers are dyed red with fresh blood... his sleeves are ripped violently at places, and mine just a little, though a blue strand of my hair is locked between our fingers.
"...what are you doing?"
I feel sick after coming back from the waking nightmare... I'm exhausted... this isn't the hallway where I blacked out either. We're in an empty classroom.
"...you're back?" his voice sounds exhausted and relieved at the same time.
"As you can hear. Now, why are you holding around me?"
I take a moment and consider the situation I'm in, but no matter the reason, I believe this is much too inappropriate.
"After I put you down you started scratching, ripping and hurting yourself... so this was the only thing I could think of... I apologize... I lost my mind and spoke words I knew would hurt you..." He apologized sincerely.
...
"I see. It is my fault for having a weakness as such in the first place. Still, I've shown you something disgraceful..." I respond calmly and coldly.
...I want to sigh...
"Now, will you let go of me?"
He doesn't budge.
"Lily... no... you need to talk about it... otherwise it won't change. The Celeste knights need you... Eight years ago they were partly under command of someone else, and you were a child... you cannot lead them properly if you don't face them." His voice is soft, but he tightens the hold of my hands.
...I see. He's worrying it will happen again... judging by his arms and my nails I probably went berserk. I stare down at our fingers.
"...and you're telling me this as a fellow commander? I've truly shamed myself then..." I whisper softly, but Lionel stays quiet this time. My eyes feel swollen and warm... I wonder how long I was out...
"How did you know?" I ask the question softly. Honestly, I can't struggle against him right now, but I still want my question answered.
Lionel goes quiet for a while... but when he answers he seems uncomfortable.
"When we were kids I just thought you were different because you had killed... I knew you weren't Lily... but I didn't understand the odd distance you put between yourself and others. Other than Magdalin you don't trust anyone at all, and even Magdalin spends considerable time watching you closely..."
He hesitated for a moment before continuing in a darker tone.
"After I killed Bertram's mother I realized that wasn't it... when I went on the battlefield I realized that wasn't it either... when I returned from the front line battered to an inch of my life... I realized that wasn't it either. None of those things made someone get the look and behavior you have... Then I met someone who had his squad annihilated. He couldn't connect with his new squad and kept everyone at that same awkward distance. His wife was the one that said that he never returned from the battlefield... so I... thought you were like him..."
I grimace for a moment at the comparison, but I cannot deny it.
"After I realized I... noticed... unlike him you refuse to show weakness. You're bundling it up, aren't you? I got angry... I wanted you to lean on someone and... focus on what is in front of you. I knew it would hurt you... but those guys adore you, you know? They want your attention and your acknowledgment. They want to stand by your side and support you... but you aren't letting them!-"
I gave a little struggle and snapped at him.
"I get it!"
"I will face it properly. I cannot live down being afraid of getting attached. But one more word out of you about it and you will not live it down," I sneer out at him. I'll acknowledge my flaws, but by gods I will not hear a word more of it now!
His hands finally loosen from mine, and with it I take a deep breath and try to get up.
My legs are shaking, but I'll stand even if it only my pride that keeps me standing.
I turn to look at Lionel, and the uniform that was bloody by the start of our meeting was partly ripped apart. Firm red lines had been dug into his skin, and from what I could see from here, then I'd probably done in his back quite well too...
"I'm going back," I growl out at him lightly.
I... need to be alone... I need to deal with the waking nightmare and face it properly...
"Take time to grieve!" Those words chase me down from behind... but would there ever be enough time?