A/N: I take back everything I said, THIS was the hardest chapters I have ever written in my life.
They say dogs can smell human emotions, they're able to connect on a deeper level. I never had a pet so I could never test that theory, however judging by the puppy dog eyes I received from Elvis, I had a feeling he picked up on my miserable mood.
I wondered if he could also sense the anguish and guilt gnawing at me, eating me from the inside. Or what about the shame and hurt crashing at me, wave after wave. Could he tell I blamed myself for everything?
I thought I could handle the truth but I overestimated myself. I thought exposing the lies and secrets would give me some clarity, but it only felt like I fell deeper into a pit, consumed in darkness. I was so full of confidence and determination but in the end nothing could prepare me for the truth.
It was there, it was right there all along, in the little things they did - the way they never brought up my childhood, the way that acted like some human shield around me. I was showered in love and affection, almost like they were trying to compensate for something. I was always taught to never trust strangers, never trust our mother ...
I was so oblivious to all of it, thinking they were only trying to protect me but never had I once stopped to think what exactly they were protecting me from.
I thought back to what Tristan had once told me - 'I'm talking about your innocence. I'm dreading the day you'll lose it again and see how truly effed up this world is.'
And Ashton - 'There's some bad people out there, Jade, really bad. And I just don't want you to be taken advantage of again.'
'Young minds have the tendency to shut down painful or scary experiences. Because you're too young to know how to deal with it, you just learned how to suppress it instead.' That's what Jordan had told me after I had my first night terror in a very long time. When I had asked him what my nightmares were about, he claimed he couldn't remember. But he knew.
They all knew.
And they tried to tell me but I did not hear what I should've listened to.
"Why so sad, sugar?"
I broke out of my train of thoughts and blinked up at Marion.
"You can tell, huh." A somber smile pulled at my lips.
"By the looks of it I'm not the only one." She gestured at Elvis snuggled up in my arms, almost like he was hugging me instead of the other way around. "You're usually all smiles. Why don't you tell me what's going on in that pretty head of yours."
I buried my head in Elvis' neck, trying to keep the tears at bay. It was suddenly hard to swallow down the growing lump in my throat.
"Oh my sweet, sweet girl." The couch dipped when she sank into it. Her arm snaked around me and it was all I needed to bury myself in her embrace. She felt warm and smelled like fresh-cut spring flowers. I basked into the comfort and love she was emitting, soaking up as much as I possibly could.
Elvis, being the dog that could sense every human emotion, snuggled deeper into my chest.
"Marion," my voice quavering. "Do you think it's wrong to keep secrets?"
She gently pulled away, enough to catch my eye, and ran her soft knuckles against my cheek. "We all have stories we won't ever tell. That doesn't mean it's wrong, but only when you know in your heart it's the right thing to do."
"But what if it's not the right thing? What if you could hurt someone by not being honest?"
"You're confusing secrets with lies my child. Which one is it?"
My eyes trailed downcast to Elvis as I stroked his fur in thought. Which one was it? I realized I never asked myself that question. My brothers never lied to me, they never told me the entire truth but they never fed me lies. They could've easily done it to put an end to my endless questions but they didn't. They didn't hand me wrong information by telling me lies but withheld the truth instead. I didn't know if that was supposed to make me feel better or not.
"Secrets are made to be found out with time," Marion spoke up, running her fingers through my hair. "It's better to know and be disappointed, than to never know and always wonder."
"They said they did it because they wanted to protect me," I sniffed.
"And you don't believe it?" she gave me a look as if to tell me I should know better. "Listen to me, those boys love you somethin' fierce. If they thought that not telling you something was the right choice then you're gonna have to trust their judgement. I'm sure you don't fully agree with it but you're still a child at heart, hun - and I don't mean that in a patronizing way. Something in me tells me that those brothers of yours know a thing or two about the monsters lurking in the dark and I'm not talking about the ones hiding under your bed, I'm talking about the real ones, the ones that look like people."
I took a shaky breath, processing her wise words. "You're saying I should forgive them?"
"Why do you think you should?"
I scratched Elvis behind his ears and sighed. "I lied to them ... might've kept some secrets from them too." My dad ...
"Does it hurt? Knowing they did the same to you?"
I chewed on my bottom lip and nodded.
"Then you deserve forgiveness too." She tucked some hair behind my ear, her thumb lingering on my newly pierced ear. "I'm sure it was never their intention but when you love someone you protect them from the pain, you don't cause it."
I settled into her arms and let out a tired breath. I understood what she was trying to tell me - we both thought we did the right thing, we both had our own justification. They kept a secret because they loved me too much to see me getting hurt. And I did the same to give them a taste of their own medicine, because I felt like I knew what I was doing, like I had everything under control but I couldn't have been more wrong.
My brothers knew me like the back of their hands - according to them I wasn't strong enough to face the truth so they did the only logical thing they thought was right. But surely they must've been smart enough to know that secrets were just a temporary delay to the inevitable.
"Truth hurts, doesn't it?" I mumbled.
"Like a thorn," she said, rubbing a wrinkled hand along my arm. "But in the end it blossoms like a rose."
FADED
After the little morning visit to Marion, I hurried back home to get ready for school. I wrestled my feet from my sneakers using the toe-to-heel method, because bending down to untie them was too much effort.
I walked into the kitchen to make my lunch and instantly regretted it when I found everyone sitting around the table - they weren't supposed to be up yet. Throwing a quick look at the clock on the wall, I cursed myself for spending more time at Marion's than I had intended.
Tristan and Ashton were chatting about something related to work. Noah was scrolling through something on his phone while using the other hand to feed himself some cereal. Jordan was nowhere to be seen and I thought that if I stayed quiet I could spin around and go to my room without anyone noticing me.
I didn't even have a chance to put my plan in motion when two large hands dropped on my shoulders from behind.
"Where did you go?" Jordan asked while simultaneously pushing me back into the kitchen to join the rest. I tried to dig my heels into the floor in a show of dread and resistance but he wouldn't have it. He didn't let me go until I was seated and pushed my chair in, making me feel trapped.
Four pairs of eyes were trained on me and every spot on my skin prickled at the scrutiny. I could hear their loud thoughts, the concern radiating off of them was palpable in the air, I could practically taste the questions they were dying to ask me on my own tongue - I ducked my head, overwhelmed.
"How's Marion?" Jordan questioned as he put a bowl of cereal in front of me. I wanted to argue about why he had bothered to ask me where I was in the first place if he clearly already knew the answer but I bit my tongue.
"Good," was all I offered.
I focused on where my name and Noah's were engraved into the side of the kitchen table. My finger trailed each crooked letter, wishing I could go back to the days when my only concern was Jordan blowing a gasket about Noah and I using his butterfly knife. Back to the days when I didn't have to worry about how many people had seen my pictures.
I caught a movement out the corner of my eyes when Jordan ran a hand down his face, only to stop at his chin where he would scratch at his stubble.
"Jade, about last night ... " he paused as if he needed some time to search for the right words. But nothing he said could make this right. He couldn't undo what had been done. He couldn't give me back my dignity. "We need to talk about what happened - "
"There's nothing to talk about," I cut him off, squirming in my chair.
"There were many ways to tell you the truth and I chose the wrong one. I shouldn't have been so harsh and blunt about it."
"Doesn't matter. I brought it on myself."
"Babe, don't say that," Tristan spoke for the first time. "Look, you have every right to be mad at us, so be mad all you want. But try to put yourself in our shoes for a minute okay?"
"All of this is exactly what we were trying to avoid. We thought you were better off not knowing," Jordan reasoned.
"You had no right," I choked up.
My eyes stung with tears of frustration. They shouldn't be on the receiving end of my anger, they thought they were helping me. Marion was right, they only had my best interest at heart. I should be pissed off at my mother who allowed men to take pictures of me. I should be pissed off at the bastards that took pleasure in using a child like that for their own twisted pleasures.
"We were going to tell you about it," Tristan continued.
My jaw clenched. "When?"
"When you were ready," he replied. "But you weren't ready yet. It was too soon. I guess there isn't a right time to tell you but we had hoped to prepare you first, ease you into it so you could bear the brunt."
"W-who else saw the pictures?"
Jordan cleared his throat and I could only imagine his eyes hardening. "Just us and some of my colleagues who're leading the ongoing investigation. Jade, nothing like that will ever happen to you again, I won't allow it - "
"Who else?" I interjected.
I felt Ashton's foot gently nudge me under the table. He was trying to warn me, trying to stop me from digging too deep, knowing I'd find something I didn't like. But I needed to know, I had to know everything. I already got burned after the truth was revealed to me, I could take a little more pain.
"How many?" my voice broke midsentence, my throat closing up on me.
"In total we confiscated about eighteen pictures."
I shook my head. "No not the pictures. I'm talking about the people who paid for ... How many were they?"
I caught Jordan and Tristan exchanging a look but I couldn't bring myself to lift my eyes and see their expression, I couldn't bear it.
"That we know of ..." I could almost hear Jordan grind his teeth. "Two hundred fifty-six."
Noah hadn't made a sound until now. He gasped audibly while my breath hitched. His spoon clang against his own bowl and it made me wince. Two hundred fifty-six people had laid their eyes upon pictures of my vulnerable body, my naked body. I was going to be sick.
"How many of them are behind bars?" Noah dared to ask.
Jordan's shoulders slumped, almost like he was ashamed to tell us. "Thirty-three."
My breath shuddered. The edges of my vision started to blur as tears gathered in front of my eyes. The thought that the majority of these monsters were still out there scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to think about how many of them were still preying after young children like me. I didn't want to think about the possibility that some of them went further than just taking 'harmless' pictures. I didn't want to think of the victims who had to live with the trauma and scars while their predators walked freely.
"How - how's that even possible?" Noah stuttered his disbelief.
Ashton chuckled darkly. "One word. Corruption. Money can turn everyone into a filthy scumbag."
"Well there's that," Tristan agreed grimly.
"It can take us months or even years' worth of manpower hours to gather enough evidence to convict them," Jordan started to explain, his arms bulged as he crossed them over his chest. "But these fuckers are known for being too cunning. It doesn't matter how many audio and visual surveillance we conduct they know every loophole in the law and are not afraid to exploit it. Even criminals have guaranteed rights. One wrong move and we bring down the entire investigation."
"If it were up to me, I'd put a bullet through their heads. Right between the eyes." Ashton pretended to pull the trigger with his fingers and I flinched. "Point blank."
"Jade?" Tristan tried to catch my eye but I avoided his gaze. "I know you like to worry about everything but leave this one to us, alright? Only thing you need to know is that you're safe now. Okay, baby girl?"
I barely nodded causing another fat tear to roll down my cheek but I didn't bother to wipe it away.
"I know this is a lot to take in, take your time, sweetheart," Jordan reassured me. "But know that we're here for you."
I didn't know what to say anymore. The thoughts in my head were a mess and I couldn't think straight. I needed time to process everything, to find my wording.
"Will you at least look at us?" Noah's voice was soft. He reached across the table to touch my fingers but I drew back, folding both my hands under the table. I risked a look at his face, saw hurt flashing in his eyes and quickly averted my gaze. I kept my eyes on the untouched cereal in front of me and ignored the heavy silence suddenly hanging over us like a dark cloud.
I wanted to tell him that I couldn't. I couldn't look at either of them. How could they even look at me after they had seen those pictures? How where they not disgusted with me, because I felt like the filthiest person to walk the earth. I was ashamed and mortified and I didn't want them to see it when I looked them in the eye.
I pushed my chair away from the table, mumbling an incoherent excuse and started leaving.
Jordan caught up to me at the foot of the stairs and I thought he'd order me to go back and finish my breakfast.
"Can I talk to you?" He threw a look over his shoulder where our brothers were still sitting in the kitchen. "In private."
I shifted between my feet, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "Not now, I'm gonna be late for school."
"Alright, how about tonight?"
I shrugged. It wasn't a yes but not a no either. I let him decide which one he preferred.
With my eyes still trained on his chest, I noticed him take a deep breath, his t-shirt straining against his pecs as his lungs expanded.
"I'm sorry," he breathed. "About everything. I can tell you're hurting and it breaks my heart knowing that it was my doing. You know that was never my intention. I know you were desperate to know the truth and I was fed up with keeping things from you - I should've approached it a different way."
It was weird hearing those words come from his lips. Jordan hardly ever apologizes, not because of his pride but because he usually never did anything wrong. He was the type of man that just knew what he was doing and no matter how much you disagreed with him, in the end he always ended up being right.
He had said that some things were better left unknown. He had insinuated that I wouldn't like whatever it was they were hiding. And me being the stupid girl that I was, didn't listen even though I knew he was always right.
"Like I said, I brought it on myself."
"Baby, this isn't your fault." He cupped my chin and was about to lift my head to lock eyes but I shrugged out of his hold.
"I'm gonna get ready," I mumbled and dashed up the stairs to my room.
FADED
Preston was nowhere to be found - that was the first thing I noticed when I set foot in the school building. I picked up my phone and noticed I had received several messages, most of them came from my dad but none from Preston. I erased the ones from my dad without bothering to read them and tucked my phone back in my pocket.
I thought this day would never come to an end, I couldn't pay attention to anything and I almost fell asleep in class twice. So imagine my relief when the last bell finally rang. I carelessly shoved my stuff in my backpack, eager to go home and crawl in my bed. I hadn't slept at all last night, every time I closed my eyes I would see his face but as soon as I opened them, the my memory would slip through my fingers like sand.
I was perched on a bench outside of school, waiting for Noah to round off his football practice. Kylie was on my right, chatting my ears off about something but I couldn't bring myself to listen. I hugged my backpack against my chest and dropped my forehead on top of it, trying to block everything around me.
"We have to go to that birthday party, Angela's cousin is hot!"
On my left side, Lauren made a surprised sound at the back of her throat. "You have a crush on Maria?"
"Ew not Maria, I'm talking about her brother," Kylie stated pointedly. "They moved right across the street and this morning I caught him walking their dog, shirtless. You guys should've seen it."
"What's his name?" Lauren asked even though her tone suggested that she didn't care at all, but she was too nice to say so.
"I don't know ... yet," Kylie laughed. "I'm planning to really get to know him at his sister's party."
"How old is he?"
"Jesus Lauren you sound like my Mom. Anyway, you two have to be there! I need your support and help to introduce me to my future husband."
Lauren laughed at Kylie's dramatic antics. "Fine, I'll have to ask my mom first."
Kylie let out a weird sound of excitement that resembled a mix between a squeal and giggle. She nudged me and I picked up my head and shot her a look as if to say 'What do you want?'
She pulled a face. "What crawled up your ass and died?"
"Just tired." I rubbed a hand down my face and yawned.
Lauren knitted her brows together and I could tell she knew something was wrong. "Everything all right? You've been really quiet all day."
I shot her a wan smile. "I'm fine. Didn't get much sleep that's all."
Her lips twitched like she wanted to ask me more about it but then her eyes flickered to Kylie and her mouth clamped shut. She wanted to ask about my father. I gave her an almost imperceptible shake of the head but she understood and dropped the matter.
Soon Lauren's Mom came to pick her up and my best friend waved at me, mouthing to call her. I nodded and spend the next fifteen minutes listening to Kylie gushing over her new crush and asking - no, ordering me to come to the party. I wasn't sure but at some point I might've given in just to please her and to stop hear her go on and on. A moment later her ride arrived and before I knew it I was alone with my thoughts. Bad combination.
I buried my head in my hands, my elbows digging into my knees. Those pictures kept flashing in my head and I wish I could unsee what I had seen. Ashton was right, why did I have to know? It occurred to me that I hadn't thought about the nature of the pictures. I had thought they were simply images of me where I was clothed. I hadn't expected them to be of me unconscious and naked.
The scariest part was that I couldn't remember when those pictures were taken, and who had taken them. I had a suspicion that my mother was involved but judging by the nightmares, she got help from someone.
And how was it that I couldn't remember any of it? Jordan said that I suppressed all of it but when I dug through my mind, I couldn't come up with anything. When you suppress things it doesn't mean you permanently erase it from your memories, right? It had to be somewhere in there but the only time they surfaced was when I was asleep and helpless.
"Hey."
I startled at the voice and looked up in my brother's eyes that mirrored mine.
One corner of Noah's lips quirked in a small smile as he twisted his ball cap backwards. "Sorry you had to wait so long. Coach Thomas is really pushing our limits."
"It's okay." I shouldered my bag and matched his pace as we started walking.
"He said we can't afford to lose our next game 'cause his reputation is one the line. I think he just wants to impress his new girlfriend," he chuckled. "You should've seen her, she's like a carbon copy of Penny. Talk about having a type."
I caught him turn his head my way. He was checking me. He wanted a smile but I couldn't give him one. I wouldn't force it if it didn't come naturally because that's not how smiles supposed to work.
He coughed - to clear his throat or the air, I couldn't tell.
"We're gonna have to take the bus today. Jordan is in a meeting, and Ashton and Tristan have an important client today."
"Okay."
As we waited at the bus stop, Noah handed me a piece of his chocolate bar but I declined. I hadn't eaten anything today because every time I saw food I thought back to my mother and how she was the reason I could never stomach much in the first place.
I drew in a lungful of air trying to clear my mind - another six minutes until the bus would come in. I leaned against the wall, watching people walk by, wondering if one of them had been through the same thing I experienced. Or what about the men? What if one of them had bought my pictures? What if one of them had seen me like that and actually enjoyed it. Would they recognize me if they saw me now? Would I recognize them?
Noah picked up some small rocks, throwing them one by one in the sewer. His eyes were tight, a frown pulling at his lips. "Remember when you were six and you woke up and had your pajama's on backwards?"
My throat tightened.
"And I made fun of you until you cried," he said, his eyes still fixed on aiming the rocks. "You could've sworn you put it on right. And I said you were a baby for not even knowing how to dress yourself."
I ducked my head, forcing my eyes shut. It wasn't only the pajama's, I also remembered how I always claimed the boogeyman was in my room and Jordan would yell at Ashton for letting me watch scary movies. Or how I always ended up losing random items of my clothes, especially my knickers, and my mother would blame it on the laundromat. There was no doubt in my mind that she knew exactly how my clothes disappeared out of nowhere. Everything gradually started to make sense and Noah was realizing that too.
There was a stretch of heavy silence, despite the cars hurtling towards and past us like comets.
"I'm sorry."
I looked up at Noah, eyebrows drawn in confusion. "Sorry about what?"
"I'm sorry I couldn't stop it." His eyes were shining with unshed tears of guilt and my heart constricted. "I was right there, we used to share the same room and I should've - I should've done something, anything. I was right there ..."
"It wasn't your fault. You were just a kid, Noah."
I allowed him to meet my gaze and the pain I found there almost knocked me off my feet.
"So were you, Jade. So were you."
FADED
"Aww look how cute my baby girl looks!" Mommy raved, forcing me to spin in the cramped fitting room.
I looked down at my six year old self in a swimsuit, not understanding what she loved about the polka dotted two-piece. The top barely covered anything and I hugged myself when goosebumps littered on my bare skin. The bottom was nowhere near comfortable and stuck in all the wrong places. I pulled at the straps that dug into my skin, they were way too tight.
"Mommy I don't like it," I confessed timidly, scared for her reaction.
Her face faltered. "Why baby? You look adorable."
"It itches," I fidgeted.
"Nonsense." She pushed the curtain aside and called my brother over. "Noah! What do you think? Isn't she just the prettiest."
My ten year old brother looked up from his Gameboy and burst out laughing. "You look like a potato."
Mom rolled his eyes at him and shut the curtains. "Don't listen to him."
I used my finger to push my lip against my teeth. Inspecting myself in the mirror, I thought how cute I'd really look if she let me buy the Lilo & Stitch swimsuit, I liked that one better. Noah was right, this one made me look like a ... potato with dots and ribbons.
"I really don't like it," I moaned.
"But Mommy likes it, Jade. All the girls will be so jealous of you."
"I don't even like to swim," I argued.
She sighed, rubbing a hand over her forehead as if I was giving her a headache. I really didn't like letting mommy down so I quickly apologized.
"It's fine," she brushed off with an air of annoyance. "I was just trying to be a good mother to you by giving you a present for being such a good girl, but apparently I was wrong."
My eyes glistened. "But - but, I am a good girl. Mommy, I promise."
"Doesn't matter now," her voice as cold as ice, sending another wave of goosebumps on my skin. "How about I take a picture so we can show your brothers how cute you can be."
"O-okay," I nodded, anything that would please her.
She snapped several pictures of me, muttering how absolutely adorable I was and how it was such a shame I didn't have her good taste.
When I was dressed again, I looked up at her and asked hopefully, "Does that mean I can get the Lilo & Stitch one?"
She laughed and pinched my cheek. "I didn't raise a spoiled brat, Jade, stop acting like one." She turned to Noah, snapping her fingers to get his attention. "Noah baby, let's go now. We're done here."
FADED
My eyes shot open, I was facing the ceiling while I tried to compose myself after the dream. It wasn't a nightmare which was nice for a change but I didn't quite understand where the memory came from either. It took me almost a full minute to come to my senses and realize I wasn't in my bed. The pillow under my head moved and an arm was draped around the front of my shoulders. It dawned on me that I had fallen asleep on the couch and at some point Ashton must've slid under me.
He peered down at me. "Did I wake you?"
"No." I turned on my side, my head still in his lap. He started playing with my hair and I felt myself doze off again. I breathed through my nose, forcing myself to stay awake. When that wasn't working, I yawned and dragged myself to a sitting position.
Ashton dropped his arm around the back of the couch, his hand tugging on a stray strand of hair. "You look like death warmed over."
"You always know your way to a girl's heart, Ashton Dick Wood." This was Grumpy Jade talking.
He chuckled. "It's actually Richard but I really love your original take on it. Haven't heard that one before."
I looked around the house. "Where's everyone?"
"Noah is in his room. Jordan's still at work and Tristan's at Lily's, fucking her senseless."
I scrunched up my face in disgust. I did not need that image in my head.
"What? It's true," he shrugged. "He always fucks around when he's on edge. It's the only way to get it out of his system."
"Stop right there, please." I lifted up a hand. "And why's he on edge? Did something happen at work? Noah told me you guys had an important client today."
He looked at me like I had grown a second head.
"What?" I questioned.
"Fuck that client. He worries about you. We all worry about you."
Oh.
I was so consumed thinking about myself that I didn't stop to think how all of this affected my brothers. I didn't notice they were taking it so hard, they did a great job at hiding it. But then again that was their usual MO, hiding stuff for my own good. It was touching and unnerving at the same time.
I tried to get up but his arm fell around my shoulders, pulling me back against his chest. "Stay."
I was unable to comprehend why he would even want me close to him. Why any of them would want to be close to me.
I settled against his hold and watched some tv, kinda enjoying the physical touch and missing it at same time. It was my own fault, I was the one keeping everyone at a distance.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Hmm," his voice resonated through his chest.
"When Clair came over the other day, did you go with her to the ... abortion clinic?"
"Yeah," he answered straight away, not even trying to lie.
I nodded, swallowing thickly. I grabbed his hand hanging over my shoulder and picked at his nails. "Can I ask you something else?"
"Shoot."
I craned my neck to look at his face. The television screen bathed his face in flashing lights. "Was it yours?"
I caught his Adam's apple roll. He changed the channels until he found something he liked.
"No," he finally answered.
I don't know why but relief settled over me like a warm blanket and I found myself leaning back into his chest.
"Whose was it?"
"Jimmy. Some low life, good for nothing dipshit," was all he said and judging by his tone I knew it was the only information he felt like sharing.
I continued playing with his fingers. "That was really kind of you to support her like that."
"Mhmm."
"How did it go?" I asked curiously.
He huffed, never taking his eyes off the screen. "Easy. Way too easy."
"What would you have done if it was yours?"
"Same thing."
I dropped his hand and watched him closely. He looked serious but laid back at the same time and that's how I knew he wasn't lying.
"Really? Maybe when you're older you'll be ready to be a dad one day," I suggested carefully.
"Don't count on it," he chuckled with a shake of his head.
I glanced up at him. "Why?"
He lifted up his shoulders before dropping them in a careless way. "I don't know the first about being a dad. What I do know is that my dad was a mean sonuvabitch and I'll be damned if I let a kid go through that shit."
"But you're different." He was, he proved it right now. He accompanied a pregnant girl, gave her moral support while the baby wasn't even his. He didn't have to do that, yet he did.
The hand hanging over my shoulder lifted up enough to let his thumb graze my cheek. "Boys always grow up to be like their dads."
"But not you. You're different," I pressed. "I mean look at Tristan and Jordan, they turned out just fine."
"That's because they weren't raised by Chris."
The image of Jordan's ring popped up in my head. It belonged to a man called TJ, their neighbor, he died before I could meet him. From what I heard, he was a warm and decent person, almost like a father figure to the boys.
"What about Noah and I?" I almost didn't dare to ask.
Ashton worked his mouth, his features tightened. "You're lucky he wasn't around long enough to leave his mark on you kids."
I quieted, lost in my own reveries as I let it sink in.
"You're different," I heard myself repeat after a few minutes.
"How do you know that?"
I leaned my head against his shoulder, rubbing my cheek against the soft material of his t-shirt. "I just know."
The sound of the front door opening alerted me. I pulled away from my brother and rose to my feet. Jordan walked in, carrying take-out. He was still in his police uniform and I couldn't help but notice a fresh cut on his left eyebrow, covered with a single butterfly bandage, and a colorful bruise on his jaw.
Ashton whistled lowly and gestured at his own eyebrow. "What happened there, Officer Moore?"
"Assault on a police officer, that's what happened," Jordan grunted, setting our food on the coffee table.
I was about to make my way to my room but Jordan made a clicking sound with his tongue, motioning for me sit back down. "Eat."
"I still have a lot of homework to do - "
"I don't care, sit your tiny ass down," he ordered. "Don't think I didn't notice you skipping breakfast and 'forgetting' to bring your lunch to school. Now eat."
Ashton slid closer to the table and started unloading everything from the bags. "So what's the verdict? Imprisonment, a fine?
"Both." Jordan groaned when he kicked off his shoes, resting his head against the back of the loveseat. "The idiot's facing sixteen months and a penalty fee of up to 3000 dollars."
"Serves him right. Nobody puts their hands on big bro and gets away with is, " Ashton grinned. "Want me to kiss it better for you?"
Jordan's reply was flipping the bird.
I was picking at my food, not really eating it and Jordan's eyes darkened with something akin to agitation and a tinge of concern.
"Stop messing around, sweetheart."
I set my jaw and pushed a few bites down my throat. Practically force-feeding me was pointless and a waste of food, because that night I woke up from another nightmare and ended up emptying my stomach again.
FADED
As the days went by, it was getting more difficult to keep my eyes open in class. It was nearly a damn challenge not to smack my head against my desk every time I nodded off. I wasn't aware I was dozing off again when Lauren elbowed me. My head shot up, eyes wild and frantic as I took in my surroundings, reminding myself where I was.
"Ms. Jacobs, care to answer my question?" Mrs. Green's voice brought me back to reality.
I paused, ignoring the snickering students. "Uh, sixty-two ...?"
The crows-feet around her eyelids wrinkled as she narrowed her eyes. "This is History. Not Math."
Shit.
"I worry about you," Lauren was saying as we made our way to her locker. "You fell asleep in class for the fourth time this week. You haven't been handing in your homework and assignments on time. You keep skipping lunch and - Jade!"
I blinked. "Hmm?"
"What's going on with you? Did something happen? Is it your Dad? Your Mom? Your brothers?" her eyes flickered between mine with every question she fired at me. "Talk to me. You're really scaring me, this isn't like you at all."
"It's nothing."
"This," she pointed at me, "doesn't look like nothing. You look like you're ready to keel over any second."
"I'm just tired that's all," I pressed.
Lauren was about to argue when a certain brunette interrupted her.
Angela's smug smile was so wide, my fingers itched to slap it off her face. "Hey girls! I just heard you both accepted my invitation to my cousin's sweet sixteen next weekend. She's gonna be so happy."
"I'm not going," I said.
Her face fell in mock-disappointment. "What? Why?"
"For one, I don't even know your cousin and I'm not really fond of the idea of spending my time with someone related to you. And I don't give two shits about her stupid birthday party. I also don't see what difference it would make if I was there or not, unless you're planning something to get back at me for being friends with Preston."
She looked taken aback. "What's Preston got to do with this?"
"Everything," I hissed. "You don't think I know what's happening?"
"Nope. Please enlighten me," she answered with a cocky tone.
My nails pressed half-moons into the palm of my hands, I was still pretty much tempted to smack her.
"You catch us at the library, threaten us and then suddenly he disappears. Coincidence? I think not."
"Oh Jade." Angela slowly shook her head at me, her sweet laughter grating on my ears. "Paranoid much? For your information, I just spoke to him last night and he sounded just fine. He even told me he'd be at the party."
I ignored the sting. Every time I called him, it would go straight to voicemail. He didn't return my calls and texts but somehow he could get back to Angela?
"Too bad you can't make it to Maria's Sweet Sixteen." She shot me a look of pity before her face suddenly lit up, her lips morphing into her trademark fake smile. "See you girls around. Bye!"
I watched her walk off and the idea of punching her in the face never sounded more appealing.
Bitch, I thought bitterly.
FADED
I sat cross-legged on my bed, my guitar in my lap. I picked at a few strings, not focusing on playing a particular song, I just let my emotions take the lead. The melodies took a melodramatic turn, reflecting my somber mood.
I felt like crap, lately everything sucked and I was unable to find anything to lift up my spirits. It was Friday night, Noah had gone to some party and I wondered why he had bothered to invite me when he knew that Jordan didn't want me anywhere near drunk teenagers who couldn't keep their hormones in check. Tristan asked if I wanted to go to the movies with him and Lily but as nice as that sounded, being a third wheel wasn't my idea of 'fun'.
I yawned for the umpteenth time, rubbing at my eyes. The daily nightmares were taking a toll on me. I made a point of avoiding mirrors, I couldn't stand to see the bags under my dull, lifeless eyes. I was just tired, so fucking tired.
Jordan entered my room and I didn't bother to look up. He leaned against my desk, folding his legs at the ankles, facing me. I only had eyes for my guitar as I continued to softly play random tunes.
"I got a call from school. Wanna tell me what's going on?"
"Why don't you tell me." I didn't mean for it to come out so snappy but it was too late to take it back.
He let a few seconds pass before he elaborated. "Your grades are dropping. You're falling asleep in class. You've been skipping PE."
"I was just tired."
"None of this sounds like you, Jade."
I swallowed hard, finding it hard to accept the disappointment lacing his gentle, yet stern voice. "It won't happen again."
He sighed and moved to crouch in front of me. He pried the guitar out of my hands and easily blocked my attempts at wanting to take it back. His long fingers encased mine entirely and I felt caged, no escape.
"You need to stop beating yourself about this, sweetheart."
My eyes were glued on a heart-shaped stain on my carpet, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth.
"Why won't you talk to us?"
I had managed to ward off his efforts at trying to get me alone for a heart-to-heart. He had been exceptionally busy at work which caused him to be barely home the past few days which was a perfect distraction. But I had to face the music sooner or later.
"You've been taking this harder than I thought," he muttered under his breath, as if talking to himself. His thumbs stroked my knuckles. "Marcus told me they arrested two guys today. Their names were on the list of suspects. If the odds are in our favor, they'll be facing twenty-five to thirty years in jail. Jade, I won't rest until I put every scumbag behind bars. I promise."
It should've made me feel better but I felt numb inside.
Jordan's tongue darted out to wet his lips and he briefly looked at our joined hands before speaking up again. "I was an insensitive asshole, showing you those pictures like that. I should've known better. I'm sorry."
I wanted to tell him that I had accepted his apology, like Marion had told me to do. It was me who needed to apologize for putting him in such a difficult position. It was me who needed to apologize for still keeping a secret from him.
His hands squeezed mine. "When I do the things I do, it's because I want to protect you. I know you're sick of hearing this but it's the truth. This isn't about treating you like a baby or thinking you don't deserve to know, this is about us trying to keep your from harm. Do you get that?"
I jutted my chin, half-nodding.
All Jordan ever did was take care of us - the only reason I was in a stable home, surrounded by family was because he fought so hard for us. He made us all his top priority and always put us first. To witness how he tortured himself with guilt pained me as much as it did him.
"I wish I never had to show you those pictures. If I could go back in time, none of this would've happened. Call me selfish, inconsiderate, I don't care but if things went my way, you would have never found out."
He picked up his hand and brushed some hair from my face. He kept his palm on the side of my face, his skin was warm and I missed how his touch could make everything alright again.
"I love you, you know that?"
"I know," I whispered, not trusting my voice to speak louder, afraid I'd burst out in tears.
"I don't think you do. I love you more than I have ever found a way to show you," he said, a sad smile dancing on his lips. "From the day you were born, I just knew you belonged to me. You were mine, mine to take care of, my responsibility - my little baby girl."
It was getting harder to breathe through the growing lump in my throat.
"I was too blind to see the signs. I failed to understand what you were trying to tell me. I failed you. I let you down and I'll be damned if I ever make that same mistake again."
When I gathered enough courage to look him in the eye, my heart sank at the sight. My big brother, my protector, my rock, my everything was misty-eyed. I don't think I could remember ever seeing Jordan with tears in his eyes. To me he was invincible, nothing could get to him but I was wrong. Jordan had a weakness after all.
It was me.
"You mean everything to me, baby. I wish I could've protected you better and I wish you'll find it in your heart to forgive me one day."
His fingers were itching to reach out to me but he seemed to hesitate - not sure whether or not I still wanted to keep distance between us or not. I couldn't stand it anymore and flung myself at him. He recovered instantly and I found myself melting into his embrace, holding on for dear life.
I choked out a sob and my arms tightened around his neck. He squeezed me closer if that were even possible and planted several kisses on the side of my face. He didn't seem to care that my cheeks were damp and salty with my tears, he just held me like he never wanted to let me go again and my only wish was that he never had to.
FADED
Noah was snoring again. I didn't like the sound, I hated it as much as I hated that stupid potato looking swimsuit. I wanted to tell him to shut up or throw a pillow at him so I could go back to sleep.
I realized I wasn't comfortable in bed. My blanket was slipping, my t-shirt was twisted around my torso and I was missing a sock. I tried to get up, I tried to move, I really did but I was just exhausted.
My eyes moved behind my closed eyelids when I felt the presence of someone entering our room. At first I thought it was Mommy and I wished I could tell her to do something about Noah's snores. The floorboard creaked under the heavy footsteps and it didn't take me long to realize that this wasn't Mommy. Mommy knew about the noisy floor and knew where to step so she wouldn't wake us up.
"You sure they're sleeping?"
"Shhh. I gave them a little something, they should be knocked out." The second man's voice sounded more familiar to me than the first one.
"We here for them both?"
"No, just the girl."
A hand grabbed the bottom of my t-shirt, cold fingers grazed my bare stomach. I thought the man was going to pull it down, that would've been really thoughtful of him because I was cold. But instead, he pushed it up to my chest.
I moaned in protest.
"Fuck," the first man cursed. That wasn't nice of him.
"Don't worry, she's still knackered."
I wasn't, I wanted tell them. I wasn't asleep - my body was asleep but I was pretty much awake. My tongue moved around in my mouth but I couldn't find my voice to tell them.
"There she is. My little peanut." The cold hand touched my plump cheek, brushing some hair from my face. "Isn't she pretty?"
FADED
I woke up with a start, my breaths uneven and shaky. I untangled my legs from the soft sheets and pulled my knees to my chest. I was drenched in sweat, my hair sticking to my neck and temples. My eyes watered as I tucked my chin between my knees, stifling my sobs.
It had been another nightmare, a too realistic nightmare. Lately, I wondered if they were even dreams or just figments of my memory.
"You okay?"
I jumped, letting out a little gasp.
Noah was sitting in the corner of my room, half of his face obscured in the shadow while the other half was clear.
I swiftly swiped a trembling hand through my hair and dried my cheeks. I temporarily lost my voice so I just offered him a quick nod.
"You were mumbling my name," he said.
I licked my lips, tasting the salty sweat that had gathered on my upper lip. "What - what time is it?" I wanted to know, my voice hoarse. I was looking for my phone but I couldn't find it.
"Five in the morning. I just got home."
I glanced at my window and witnessed the rise of the sun. Another night had gone by and I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep again. I sighed tiredly.
"How was the party?" I asked in an attempt to steer away from the main topic which was the reason I woke up soaking wet and crying.
"It was okay. Stella says hi."
"How is she?"
"Good."
I nodded, hugging my stomach. I felt sick again. "You should go to sleep, catch some z's before Jordan drags you out of bed at seven in the morning for missing your curfew."
"Uhu," was all he said, his searching gaze never wavering from my face. Something about his expression was unreadable.
I shifted to the edge of my bed until my toes hit the fluffy carpet. I tested my balance by putting some weight on my feet, making sure that if I rose, I wouldn't fall face-first on the floor. I was about to push myself into a standing position when Noah suddenly spoke.
"Why's dad texting you?"
His question knocked me back onto my bed. I hadn't seen him holding my phone, turning it over between his fingers.
My heart slammed against my ribcage, the sound of my blood rushing through my veins loud in my ears.
"Why does he wanna see us?" Noah asked. I was searching for the accusation or anger in his voice but I only detected genuine curiosity and disbelief.
I gulped. "I-I don't know."
"Do you wanna see him?"
The question was unexpected and it showed on my face. "I don't know."
"I told him we'd meet up with him in two hours."
I stopped blinking, probably stopped breathing too. " ... What? You told him - wh-why would you do that!"
"We need answers."
I breathed heavily, burying my head in my hands, my voice coming out muffled, "What kinda answers?"
"The kind our brothers would never give us." He looked resolute, determined and when Noah was like that, it meant he was on a mission and nothing could stop him. "Get ready. We're leaving in ten."
A/N: uh-oh, what do you think's gonna happen? I'll give you a hint: drama, tears, more secrets, oh and drama. I also promise more Tristan in the upcoming chapters.
I had my last exam today and I pulled an all nighter last night. I've been awake for nearly 36hours now and my brain has stopped functioning and I'm high on coffee and I really should go to bed right now cuz I feel like I'm dying so I need all the love I can get. So please don't forget to follow/comment/vote (I'm close to 10k yayyyy)!
Also, if I'm taking too long to update again it's because college is a pain in my ass. So while you wait, go find @SaraCreasy and read her Wynter Wild series, I am obsessed with it.
XOXOXOXO